What do you make of my eccentric uncle

[Overthinker2016]

He is a bachelor in his 60's.

We see him once a year around Christmas. He has got into the habit of calling my mother and discussing Christmas lists with her. I think this started as suggestions of what they each would like for Christmas and has turned into him giving her a precise list of items to buy him, which tends to include household items and other essentials like underpants which he should really just be buying for himself.

This year he suggested she buy him about £70 - £80 worth of goods. He then turns up muttering about how Christmas is just for "mindings". It turns out he has bought my Dad a book and a pair of socks. He's bought my Mum some M&S perfume ie not that expensive = he's spent about half of what they've spent on him (things that he specifically asked for, knowing he wasn't intending to spend much on them). My Mum and Dad also host him for about 4/5 days, usually over Christmas. He used to bring wine but has turned up empty handed the last couple of years and does not contribute towards meals during his stay at all now.

Anyway I don't know what I am asking I just need to vent! I think he returns my parents' kindness with tightfistedness. Also is getting progressively meaner as he gets older.

How would you deal with someone like this?

[DonaldTrumpsWig]

If your parents have already bought the stuff, point out what he's doing and suggest they return it all and get him just one thing on the list.(Suggest the underpants - ridiculous Christmas ones ) Some people will always take he piss if you let them.

[Justmuddlingalong]

Is it your parents who are complaining or you?

[anxiousnow]

I am not making excuses for him but does he buy you a gift too? I used to know someone who would split her budget ie she would receive a £20 present but as there were four in the other family made sure the total of their pressies didn't exceed £20. I am not like that and found it strange but is that what be is doing?

[crunched]

I have a very similar sounding relation overthinker, my DHs uncle.
He lives in the house he was born in and has only ever lived elsewhere during his year doing National Service ( I think the 1950s).
He has never had a relationship with anyone as far as I know.
He would descend on my in-laws every Christmas,and stay for up to six weeks, bringing a single bottle of wine then constantly refer to" his contribution to the celebrations". When I started hosting the festivities, he would tell me when he would arrive and give me his list of what he was/wasn't eating that year. At least my household was to full-on for him to want to stay for more than 3 or 4 days!
He told me early on, as soon as my DH and I moved in together, that he didn't like " any tat" for Christmas and wanted M&S gift vouchers to the value of £20 which was the amount he sent to DH.
Once the DC arrived he stopped sending DH a gift and sent £10 per child. Therefore, when DC3 came on the scene, I upped the gift card to £30 unasked.
I am quite fond of the old git really. Like your Uncle, they are determined to not lose out on any 'giving' that is being done. I wonder if my relation is bitter about the way his life has turned out though it was his free will and, work wise, he was successful. He is now a bit too frail to come for Christmas and I miss him TBH.
Families eh?

[Overthinker2016]

Justmuddlingalong - well I am the person complaining at this precise moment.

He does get me a gift - usually money and I buy him a gift of the same value back. He does things like complain that some vouchers I've bought him are better / easier to spend than others. He also returned a voucher I'd bought him one year because he "couldn't find anywhere to spend it" - it was for a online retailer (and he has an iPad so is computer literate). I thought that was really rude tbh. He is comparatively generous with me compared to my parents though. I just find it galling that he thinks so little of people who have tried to make his Christmas pleasant for the last 40 years when they didn't necessarily need to.

[Justmuddlingalong]

I was merely asking if your parents were upset by his behaviour, or are they resigned to it?

[Overthinker2016]

I think my Dad doesn't care that much. My mum I think is quite hurt.

[SpareASquare]

A list is just for suggestions, surely? I doubt he's 'telling' your mum to buy everything he suggests. I always ask for a list from the children and then I pick and choose from it. There is no obligation to spend more than you want to just because it is a list.

We give for the enjoyment of giving. Not to note down how much we spent and compare with what we get back.

Don't see what there is to 'deal with'

[wwyd123]

If his list includes essentials is it not likely he doesn't have much spare money? I would be asking my brother for underpants etc if I had money to buy my own. I think you should by items from his list too so it equals the spend from your family to his if that is important to you.

And it was surely better for him to return the voucher if he doesn't like Internet shopping so it wouldn't go to waste.

I think people are too quick to look for negatives in others.

[wwyd123]

• wouldn't
  *buy

[Out2pasture]

sounds to me that he has isolated himself socially and yes some of his expectations are unsociable. somehow this sounds like early dementia/brain disease/depression.
is it possible that your father knows that his brother is not "all there".
just because someone gives you a list does not mean you are responsible to get all the items on the list.

[junebirthdaygirl]

I agree that he sounds socially inept and feel quite sorry for him. Either he has become like this from lack of social opportunities or he already had lack of social awareness to begin with. Complaining about him is like complaining about anyone with a disability. I think if he was in my family l would enjoy buying him gifts as he sounds like he needs them and it's far more generous to give knowing there is little in return. All sorts of eccentricities add to the spice of family life.

[whatminniedidnext]

Well, maybe he has pledged to leave you guys his house / assets in his will in the future as he has no other family and thinks he is therefore entitled to ask for a few extra Christmas pressies in return

£70-80 of gifts isn't that bad compared to the £40 odd he spends on you guys. If he could buy these things himself it sounds like he just wants to be fussed over at Christmas. He may be feeling lonely at this time of year.

[CarolOfTheBells]

Why do your parents buy everything on the list?

[Thisjustinno]

Yes, why? They're adults, why can't they just say 'thanks for the list, we'll get you a, b and c'?

[Overthinker2016]

He's very well off wwyd123. He certainly doesn't need my parents to buy his pants for him. So it's not that he doesn't have much.

[Overthinker2016]

And no my parents dont need to buy everything on the list.

The issue this year in particular (we have already exchanged gifts) has been that he used to spend more on them but has cut back substantially this year without letting them know that so they could adjust their giving accordingly. I do think that's a bit off. If I was asked what I wanted for xmas and knew I was only spending a tenner on someone I wouldn't suggest items that cost 2 or 3 times that. That is my issue rather than the value being given / received.

[Thinkingblonde]

Some people are just tight. My FIL was one of them, He gave my girls a fiver each for Christmas, 5 one pound coins sellotape to a card each. he was loaded.

[Overthinker2016]

Yeah probably need just to suck it up.

[LaundryQueenHatesIroning]

He then turns up muttering about how Christmas is just for "mindings"

What does this mean? I don't think I've come across the saying before

[Cricrichan]

Whose brother is he?

It's annoying but he seems to have always taken the pee if he only brought a bottle of wine and stays for a few days. If they've accepted it this long then they're not going to change. And yes, he sounds very rude. Not surprising he's on his own really.

[Overthinker2016]

It just means small gifts - a token gift. Must be a colloquialism.