My partner doesn't want to show much affection

[Mummytime12345]

My partner says he won't show affection because I get upset with him at times in the evening after a long day stressed with the kids, I feel he's being manipulative and unfair. I am in all day sometimes whist he gets out every day, sometimes things get on top of me and yes I get upset, why can't he be understanding. He never gives me affection other than the one kiss to say goodbye in the mornings. I am feeling frustrated. I love him and don't want to break up with him but I don't know what t do. I feel very vulnerable because I'm the one at home. :(

[TheNaze73]

Sounds like a viscous circle, that needs breaking, if you want to stay together.

If I had someone losing their shit at me for no reason I'd have the hump

[JaneA1]

Is there a way for you to go on a vacation for a few days?

[category12]

Can you explain what is upsetting you exactly? Do you want him to contribute more at home, do you have any downtime from the dc? How old are the dc and have you considered if you might be suffering pnd or the like?

[scottishdiem]

He probably was understanding at the start but if this has been going on a while then that wears down.

Does he know what is stressing you to the point of you getting upset with him? What are you both doing to mitigate that or does he feel at fault for something?

[Mummytime12345]

It upsets me that he doesn't understand or try to understand how hard it is to be isolated and to give up your life for 2 young kids (6 months old and 2 years 8 months old) when I first had my son he wasn't very understanding towards my feelings, I moved from London, had my own job and had ppl I knew in London, then bang I was living in the countryside with everything being changed, he was hardly around, I didn't work, I was stuck indoors and then had a crying baby who wanted me constantly. I felt very angry coz my life had turned upside down, and I guess even though you know you are going to have a baby you don't appreciate what it actually involves.

[Mummytime12345]

Recently I had my daughter, I had a really rough recovery, during the first two weeks he was supposed to be there for me, on one of the days he said he wanted to go out and I was in really bad pain that I couldn't get off the chair and he still insisted he was going out. This really upset me, I had to stay in for months coz of my recovery and he couldn't manage staying in for two weeks. It's totally not fair that a women has a baby and a man just carries on with life whilst the women goes through hell. He should be there for her.

[Mummytime12345]

Now I am dealing with high anxiety due to the recovery and stress involved, now again I am the problem in the relationship because I have problems, it's like when do men ever understand how much a women goes though having kids. It's not the walk in the park like it is shown in films, it's tough. I love my kids, but I do feel like I don't have anything for myself. He just has the life of both, going to work and coming home to us, I do feel angry At that. I am not saying I don't want to be with my kids, but I do need something that makes me feel like I'm achieving something

[JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub]

I know what it's like to have young children, mine are 21 months apart. It's very hard work especially when you are sleep deprived, they are teething, ill, won't eat etc. My parents were a 25 minute drive away so wasn't too bad but sometimes wished someone would just take them for half an hour! I take it you don't have any family close by? Do you have any friends, toddler groups, playgroups etc you can go? My DH and I both work shifts, I work part time so would be out for 14 hours in the day so DH knew how hard it was to watch the children. Can you get out for a few hours at least and let him watch the kids? My two are at school now, it does get easier but I ended up moving closer to my mum as she helps out when I need her and vice versa. Hope things improve

[HappyJanuary]

It is tough being at home with young children, particularly if you are isolated in an unfamiliar area.

But it can also be tough getting up and going to work every day, leaving your family at home and knowing you are the main breadwinner.

So you are at home feeling undervalued, and he is arriving home feeling unappreciated - a vicious circle as a pp said. You want him to show concern and affection, and he doesn't feel like showing concern and affection to someone who starts on at him when he walks in.

What I do think is that something will have to change in order to resolve the stalemate. Do you have the same amount of downtime/leisure time? Could you go back to work, even part time? Could he be the SAHP? Could you drop the dc with a childminder, a day or two each week? Get a babysitter so you can have a regular night out?

You both need to decide what you want, what would make things better, and make it happen. Otherwise, a year from now, you'll both be even more miserable.