Possible husband's depression, my affair, our divorce

[user1481021132]

I am in a situation in which I do not know anymore what to do.

Early in the year my husband and I had a rather strong argument. As I was abroad he sent me an email communicating that he was divorcing me. His email was a rather angry email.

We managed to sort out the situation through counselling, not without horrific pain. He said he had not been in love with me for a long time, then he changed to never had been in love with me. This was surreal as he had me in a pedestal and was always utterly affectionate with me.

During the counselling it came up that our plans of future had him very stressed and that he was very resentful towards me for a decision regarding his career that I thought we both had taken together. Apparently it was a unilateral decision from my side. He blamed me for his lack of personal growth.

After counselling he recognised how much I loved him and cared for the relationship and that he was falling in love very deeply with me. I was precious and he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life.

My husband has changed careers about 7 times in his life time. He has swapped motorbikes more than years we have been together during our entire relationship, always being the new bike “the one”. He now has gone to an industry which he despises, has got a rather spiritual new tattoo and keeps on saying that when we got married we were not in love with each other because we weren’t in love with ourselves as we do not know ourselves fully.

Due to the things he was saying at the time I felt I had to confess an old PA fling I had due to several reason that I am exploring with IC at the moment. I had the hope that although it would hurt both of us, after what we had gone through we could work it out together.

Since then he moved out, he has told me I never loved him in the 9 years relationship we had, always took him for granted, had never been nice to him and has never been happy. He also says that I have always made him feel out of place when I always told him that it was how different he is that attracted me from him, now he says that he is not different but that he is “awaken” to the reality we live in. He says that he is sorry to have started a relationship with me when he did not know what he wanted in his life and that he apologised because in 9 years he had not shown his real personality to me. He is constantly talking about god, but god being the universe and each person being the compressed representation of the universe.

We are separated and he refuses to go to counselling as he feels very humiliated by my actions. I have begged him and asked him for forgiveness, that I am working on myself, my destructive behaviours and bad coping mechanisms and my compartmentalization. He is set on divorce, however he will not file for 6 months. He initially said that he will not file until he is emotionally stable and now that he will wait for the 6 months so that I understand that his decision is not based on an emotion.

His reasons for divorcing me are to gain self-respect, to make me suffer the consequences of my actions and because growth is not possible in a construct that is based on a lie and has been given away. He wants to divorce now and in the future, when we have both built our own personal happy lives, where we are emotionally and financially resilient our paths may or may not get back together.

He still calls me regarding internet accounts we have together, he has not suggested to cancel our joined bank accounts and he will come with me to the doctor in few weeks’ time as I believe I may have BPD.

I know he is heartbroken, humiliated, feels betrayed and abandoned and I have turned out lives and futures upside down but I will do anything possible to help him heal and heal our marriage. But I am really struggling to understand his way of thinking. I think before my confession he was suffering some kind of depression and I have made things so much worse now. I really do not know what to do.

He always said to be happy and whatever happened and life threw to us we would be able to overcome together as a couple. Now it is all a disaster, I really think he has a depression since a long time ago due to pressure at work and life but he will not get it checked by the doctor, I am sure I have a depression as I really cannot cope. He says he is in hell and I am in hell and I cannot complain because I have created it myself.

I guess I just need to vent, but I do not understand his way of thinking and neither do the 2 Ic’s I’ve had since the beginning of the year. All I want is to understand whether his thinking comes from a previous undiagnosed depression or from the pain he is suffering right now. He is close to his 40s, I’m in my mid 30s and we have no children. I cannot believe we have ended up like this 

[Kione]

By BPD you mean bipolar? To be honest I thought, by your description, that he has mental health issues. Possibly bipolar.

[Cricrichan]

He sounds crazy to me and I think he'd find fault with anything and keep changing the reasons and the goalposts. I think you're better off without him. You're still young enough to find someone else and start a family. Do it now op and stop wondering about him. It's not you it's him.

[Fontella]

The two previous posters have been kinder than me.

Honestly love, he sounds like a right wanker. So far up his own arse he can't see daylight. The preciousness of his statements, the changes of career, the motorbikes and all the other associated bollocks. Sounds to me like you're well rid.

If he does have 'mental health issues' then I suppose I should cut him some slack, but the fact that he's not willing to help himself, by at least visiting the GP, then there's not much you can do is there?

[Adora10]

He talks some crap, ok you've not been on your best behaviour but no wonder living with this wally, is he on another planet?

[user1481021132]

Thanks for your comments.
I do not think that i made my comment clear, but my fling happened whilst married due to personal issues and no intimacy at all during a ver long period of time. I am not excusing myself though as it is the worst thing i could possibly do to him.
He is like a complete alien. I really do not recognise who he is and neither do some of the member of his family. He has become very selfish and only looking for his own needs.

I am terribly sad with what is happening as we were always great and so loving together. Nobody can believe what is happening.

When i say bpd i mean borderline personality disorder which could explain some of my past behaviours.

I am pretty sure that he has some mental health issue but he does not admit that his behaviour and the things he say are not normal.

As we are going to the doctor together i wonder if it would be a good time to mention this to the gp.

He has asked me for space and not to contact him and he just sent me a text saying that he will fly to his mothers tomorrow.

Sometimes i think that he is punishing for my short affair and pushing me to my limit to see how far im willing to go as remorse.

[Hermonie2016]

Can I clarify, did you have an affair whilst married?

I don't know what is happening for him however your relationship doesn't sound healthy for either of you.

He may be the type of person who will never be happy as he's seeking some higher purpose which may not exist.

I think you need to get yourself strong, focus on what is good for you and your mental health.I think if you pursue him he will resist you further.

See what happens in 6 months time but don't live your life expecting a reunion.You will be more attractive to him if you are stronger.

[Chickenagain]

Sorry, he sounds like a narcissist and very high maintenance. Having escaped a narcissist, I would advise you to just let him go. He will keep your interest by these tiny hooks - internet, odd text. Just ignore & fry on with your life. He is making you miserable.

[Chickenagain]

fry? Get.

[user1481021132]

Hermonie2016

Yes, my affair was whilst married. I felt terribly lonely, we had no communication at all, had no intimacyfor months and my self esteem was beyond low. Somebody saw an oportunity in me as i was very vulnerable and with terrible boundaries and i did what i never though i would be capable of.

Chickenagain, what kind of traits did your husband have?

[Dozer]

Sounds like a shit relationship with a very difficult person that you'll be better off without.

[BarbarianMum]

He sounds awful so I'm not convinced that a divorce would actually be a bad thing here. Having said which I think it is entirely understandable that he feels that you cheating on him is something that your marriage cannot recover from.

[MmmCuriouSir]

I would say he is well rid.

[user1481021132]

I do understand that he might think the marriage may not recover from my infidelity but it is his behaviour that puzzles me.

I do not know whether he is a narcissist or not as he is a very compassionate and empathetic man. I am very concern about his mental health but he doesnt want to admit that there is something that is not right.

[user1481021132]

Chemistrygeek,
Nobody else thinks i may have bpd. I have been reading a lot and i came across bpd in one of the articles i was reading.
When i asked him to come to the gp with me and the reason why he wasnt even surprised.

Our relationship was rather good until a couple of years ago when we decided i would quit my very stressful job to retrain. Being financially dependent on him and livin with his family did put a lot of strain in the relationship and my self esteem, hence my affair.

He has always been a very kind and caring man, but since the beginning of the year he is unrecognisable and feels like something has gone very wrong with him. :-( i confessed my fling in august.

[Christmasmice]

It also jumped out at me that it sounds very much like he has mental health issues and not you. Sometimes people are so subtly controlling that they have you believing they have empathy and are 'normal' (sorry hate that word) and that it's you who has the problems whereas actually it's them.

He doesn't sound typical, if that makes sense. Everything is your fault and not his. Honestly you're well rid. Your original post sends chills down my spine.

[Christmasmice]

Lol at the spam. Mr Mojo sounds great! Have reported.

[Yoarchie]

Look there is no joy in this relationship, it is completely over and broken.

I do not see what either of you gain from it, you would both be better off apart.

I am trying not to write this rudely but a lot of the stuff in the OP is navel gazing psychobabble. You both need to get on with your real lives now, not pontificate about the past.

[adornorising]

Does your counsellor think you have BPD?

I would suggest going to the doctor alone about it (you can just cancel the appointment and reschedule without telling him when) at first. If he has an agenda (which it sounds like he does), he won't be advocating for you.

All the spiritual stuff, well, I know people who speak like that. However, as with any form of religion or spirituality, having beliefs is worth fuck all if you treat people like shit. So either he's behaving respectfully towards you, or he's not (btw he's not). The people who truly seem to have found God/god/gods/goddesses tend to show that through their actions (and I don't mean getting a tattoo!).

And waiting 6 months for divorce? Go and file yourself. If he has mental health issues, or if he doesn't, he's not treating you very well. He's also holding all the cards right now and you're there playing along.

Think about what YOU want to feel like, then think about whether it's really going to happen with him. Then take some action based on that.

[user1481021132]

Yoarchie, I am sure you have noticed that english isn't my first language. You made me giggle by saying "navel gazing psychobabble". I had to look at what it means, and I do agree with you.

Adornorising, my current therapist does not know me as much just yet. The previos one was utterly useless though and after several months with her I only realised that she was not right for me after few comments that she made.
I do not want to file for divorce as I really think that we can sort out the infidelity issue. He is not even willing to try atm, I am waiting for him to calm down as he is a very emotional being.
Also, what kind of agenda do you think he might have?

All I am hoping is that he returns from wherever he has gone to in his mind. Many members of his family are very upset with him because of his behaviour for the last year, they have looked after him since he was a baby and they cannot recognise the old H in anything he says and does.

I would say that, leaving on a side my infidelity, he is having a humongous MLC (if they even exist)

[Idontbelievethelies]

An infidelity is reasOn enough to leave a marriage the fact you looked for intimacy elsewhere because it was not in your marriage is not a good sign either and also reason enough to end it

I think you need to face facts

Sorry for total lack of punctuation

[user1481021132]

Idontbelievethelies,

I do agree with you, I am not trying to excuse myself and I understand that he does not want to remain in the marriage because of that reason.

However, I do struggle to understand the way he is handling things and how he is thinking at the moment.

[catinbooots]

Sorry OP he sounds like a complete plonker. Get rid.

[Chickenagain]

Christmas, my thoughts exactly.
OP - there are many traits & over six years, way too much subtle destruction to list. Google NPD.
He has made everything your fault, thing is, there is no everything & even an affair/fling is understandable when all affection, support even conversation has been withdrawn or eked out.
You didn't do this, it just has all the hallmarks of gas lighting, control, destruction & finally, discard. But he is still at the toying with you stage. Like a cat with a bird, just keeping it going until his next challenge comes along.