DH addicted to porn - help!

[lostincornwall]

I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that my DH seems to be spending increasing amounts of time (he thinks without my knowledge) looking at internet porn. Admittedly, since DS was born 2 years ago I haven't been exactly game but as he now seems to prefer "working late" in our study to coming to bed with me, I am starting to panic. I can't get this image of him - sad, pathetic man - and these porn images out of my mind. I caught him last week (at 2pm for god's sake!) looking at a site but he refused to discuss it, saying someone from work had sent it through. Does anyone have any advice as I am struggling to get past "yuck" and make something of our otherwise perfectly happy life?

[Elasticwoman]

Is your dh supposed to be working from home while looking at porn? If so, how does he ever get any work done (is a line you might take with him)?

I wonder if you could nobble the computer the same way people do to protect children from unsuitable sites?

Could be worse - real sex with real other women, internet gambling ... but I agree this is bad enough.

Can you take a short break away with him, without ds? Somewhere with no computer?

[bellarosa]

Men often deal with stress by looking at porn or other forms of escapism. Perhaps it's just that, and maybe it's his way of dealing with the lack of intimacy between you, ie that he cant really verbalise it/ untangle his feelings about it in order to communicate with you properly about how he feels, so he buries his head in the sand and forgets for a while by looking at porn...

On the secrecy note, many men find porn 'taboo' and are ashamed of it through conditioning, plus anything taboo is highly adictive by it's very nature.

Hope you find a path through to happiness... it has taken me 7 yrs to finally find a space where i am accepting of it as a nonthreatening part of our lives, but i still wobble some days!

[DaddyCool]

i think you've just got to tell him to cut it out.

he'll be (or should be) so embarrassed that it'll scare him away from doing it again, or at least less frequently and blatantly.

[lostincornwall]

Thanks Elasticwoman and Bellarosa - I think I need to find a way round this.

[bellarosa]

How about trying to make it not so taboo, by being cool about it, i found as soon as i stopped raging at dh about it and tried to see it from his perspective (ish) - that it wasnt because he didnt love/ fancy me etc but that he was just as burnt out as me with 2dd's under 2yrs, he actually started communicating better with me and stopped using porn so much.

It sounds like he's avoiding communication/ intimacy with you. Do you think he's got low self esteem ? have you?

hope you have a good weekend, try to get out for a walk or do something nice together

[madamez]

You say you're not exactly up for sex - give the poor bloke a little credit for using porn to wank over rather than Having An Affair. This may be his way of dealing with his randiness rather than pestering you or having sex elsewhere, and he may think he's being unselfish in doing so.

This is not to say that you are in any way obliged to let him have a go on you when you'd rather just go to sleep, but it's not actually quite fair to say to someone: I don't feel sexy therefore you are not entitled to have any kind of sexual release either.

[Monkeytrousers]

Oh dear not another one.

Cancel your broadband connection and talk to him.

Sorry you're having to deal with this with a young family

[Monkeytrousers]

Hang on Madamez, pron adiction is just as insidious as any other addiction. Porn isn't sex and it does destroy real intimacy and trust between partners

[Monkeytrousers]

Lost, if internet porn wasn't so available your partner would have to communicate his needs and wants to to - ie communicate with you. This is not your fault. In the course of a life time peoples libido ebbs and flows; porn facilitates you both getting completely out of sync with your own needs as a couple. If you were alright with it you wouldn't have posted. Your needs count as much as his do.

[madamez]

oh ARSE pushed wrong button... Sorry

MT, porn is just media. You might just as well say that someone's addicted to Heat magazine, or Top Gear, or indeed MN (and hey, we all know that's addictive). And, while monogamy is not something that I'm particularly into, I do kind of wonder about this. If one monogamous party doesn't want to have sex, is it really fair, or reasonable, for that party to prohibit the other party from wanting sex or having sexual feelings? If you have a hobby that you love but your partner doesn't care for, is it acceptable either to force them to join in, or for them to make you give up your hobby?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main.jhtml?xml=/health/2007/01/23/hlife23.xml&page=1

Lostincornwall,

The above is an article on internet porn, I would urge you to read it and get your husband to seek help for his addiction. He can recover from this if he wants to.

Porn is media yes but that is missing the point. A man watching internet porn is not alone going to solve the problems a relationship is having, infact it could make things far worse. Internet porn is no respector of persons and can cause immense harm to relationships. Many organisations and other bodies counsel people, both men and women, affected by internet porn. It is very easy for some people to become addicted, it is a visual thrill.

www.sca-recovery.org is also a good website to look at.

[Monkeytrousers]

LOL Madame, I was a tad reactionary - a bit tipsy, sorry.

But I have to agree with AtillaTM. Porn is qualitivly different from other media as it is designed to push very primal buttons in us. Sexuality is a complex thing, porn is reductive and exploitative. So are magazines like Heat, but not nearly so destructive to trust and intimacy in relationships.

The point about sex in a relationship when the other partner is less responsive is valid, and erotica used in those situations is reasonable. But this is where plain old communication comes into it and it is proven to be a slippery slope I'm afraid where internet porn is concerend.

Ejaculation provides a very powerful stimulus and is more addictive than heroin, unsuprisingly. When it is so accessible, and just the thought of an image is enough to make a man respond (as it's designed to do) the temptation becomes too much and that scratching that itch becomes compulsive. Nothing else matters, real sex requires effort and imagination and is too much like hard work and relationshops quickly become broken beyond repair. It's a very observable phenonenom unfortunatley in this day and age.

[madamez]

Monkeytrousers: men, like women, are human beings. They're not primitive animals led entirely by their dicks and they can have a choice about what they do.
Porn is just media. A picture is just a picture. ANd whatever media you look at, whatever message it sends you is not the only message you'll lever hear. Also , quite often the values promoted by porn (Sex is great! Let's have some) are rather less obnoxious and dangerous than those promoted by the mainstream (You're worthless unless skeletally thin and famous/ being half a couple is the only way to live).

And this thing about sex versus "relationships" always annoys me. If you have sex with another person, then there exists a relationship, however brief, between those two persons. If it only lasts for 20 minutes and you never see each other again, as long as both of you enjoyed it, that relationship is no less valid than one that lasted for 20 years. Not everyone wants to live as half a monogamous couple, and some people only ever want to have sex with themselves. Nothing wrong with any of that.

[ManchesterMum]

I was in a similar situation when pg last year and thought I'd just have to put up with it. However dd2 was stillborn and we wanted to try again asap but I couldn't face another pg with the insecurities (and lack of sex) that it seemed to bring so decided to confront the situation.

Took a few attempts before we managed to talk properly - initially he'd be too embarassed, refuse to discuss, walk away etc. - but eventually I managed to explain that I don't have a problem with porn per se, just that I wanted it to be part of OUR sex life, not just his. It was a real breakthrough.

I realise that this approach can only work if you share my point of view but it did the trick for us and we're now much more open about our wants & needs. Indeed I'm happy to report that things are better than they've been in years, even though I'm expecting again.

Do hope you manage to sort things out because it really undermines your confidence on so many levels. (((hug)))

[Monkeytrousers]

The sexual stimulus is one of the most primitive responses Madame. We might be sophisticated in soem ways, but our primal brain is still there and still drives our basic needs; including the desire to procreate.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would agree with you fully MT.

Madamez,

Porn has the potential to cause much emotional damage in relationships if one partner does not agree with it being viewed by the other. It is very much more accessible to see these days thanks to the Internet. Its not just top shelf stuff in WHSmiths anymore.

Many men respond to visual stimuli; this is what porn is. Porn devalues sex within a relationship.

I will agree to disagree with you with regards to your second paragraph.

[madamez]

Attila, saying that porn "devalues" sex within a relationship as though that's some kind of universal truth is rubbish - particularly when another poster's just explained how she and her DP share porn and enjoy it. Lots of people do -though it is not obligatory and if you don't much like porn, that's up to you.
What I find far more damaging than anyone having a wank over an image that speaks to their sexual fantasies is this tendency in some people to try to fix their own sexual disfunctions by getting incredibly controlling and prohibitive about other people's sexual behaviour.
If your partner likes to look at porn and you don't then maybe you should mind your own business - would you think it OK for a partner to ban you from watching your favourite TV programme?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I was mainly agreeing with MT, this is not about me.

Anyway getting back to the original subject because we have gone off track a bit....watching internet porn becomes a problem within a relationship if its kept a secret pleasure. Many men keep this secret from their wives for fear of a "lack of understanding" on the woman's part.

Some people can have porn usage in their relationship certainly without problems and that's great (I acknowledge that point of your post) but many more cannot and some women do find it particularly difficult to "mind their own business" (especially if they come across it by accident). They need to be considered here.

[Monkeytrousers]

Madamez I'm not arguing against people expressing a heathy sexuality.

Porn addiction is not healthy.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

If men express a wistful bemusement over female reaction to porn, women become shocked, hurt and highly emotional. If a woman can?t come to accept what men repeatedly say ­ that images are just images and have no bearing on their marriage - then the relationship is in trouble. The easy access of porn on the internet has simply accelerated the gulf in communication which porn has always created.

[ManchesterMum]

Further to my previous posting, I would point out that porn is not something that dh & I feel the need to use very often but is simply one of several tools for when both of us feel like it. However, the case I put forward did make dh realise that his "secretive" use of internet porn created a segregated sex life that actively excluded me and that this was very hurtful. I was best able to explain this by asking what his reaction might be if he found me regularly viewing internet porn when we were not having regular sex together.

I do know that his usage of internet porn is virtually zero now (am sufficiently IT-savvy to be able to check, which is how I knew the extent of things before this was all sorted). But I also now understand his reasons for occasional viewing because we have now discussed it and it's usually been because I'm indisposed one way or another.

Three months ago, I very nearly submitted a similar posting to LIC because I too was feeling rock bottom. I hope my responses do not appear to be gloating or boastful but simply an explanation of how we have managed to turn around what I believe to be a similar situation in a very short space of time and, in doing so, how my confidence and our relationship has improved on every level.

Very best wishes to LIC.

[madamez]

Attila: sorry, I tend to use 'you' when I mean 'anyone/everyone/some hypothetical one' and was not specifically having a pop at You-Atilla.
Monkeytrousers, addictions are not usually healthy but it's not always a clearcut thing to diagnose an addiction.
FWIW agree that there can be problems when one party is obsessively using porn, feeling guilty an d unhappy about it etc and there's a communication breakdown. Part of the problem can be the hysterical and misinformed over-reaction that some people have to the mere concept of internet porn (a lot of peole who rant on about the evils of porn have never seen any) so the porn watcher feels dreadfully guilty and so it goes on...

[Catbabydaddy]

I use porn sometimes, an Catbabymummy seems quite relaxed about I. Mind you, I never ignore her in favour of some image on a computer screen.

[ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands]

I have to say this.. MadameZ. Being as monogamy is not something you are "particularly into" then I really really don't think you are qualified to comment on the effect that porn, or any other additictive issue, can have a commited, monogamous relationship. Perhaps you'd be best sticking to advising about specific aspects of kinky sex, be it monogamous or otherwise, which I have noticed you are very good at.

[lazyemma]

miaow!