I feel sick even writing this down

[Embarassed86]

I have been married for almost 10 years and we have 3 dc's

Things are not as they should be with me and dh, we haven't had a good sex life for the last 7 years really since dc2 was born.

I have been googling and feel around this time when I had 2 young children to look after and was suffering with pnd I have most likely developed an aversion to sex due to pressures from dh for sex when I have not wanted it.

Despite the aversion we did continue to have sex, albeit infrequently, and dh continued to express his displeasure in the frequency even though I tried to explain to him that this nagging pushed me further away.

When dc3 was around 8 weeks old (around 3 years after I feel the aversion began) dh went out with friends drinking for his birthday. We had agreed that dh wouldn't sleep in our bed that night as dc3 was cosleeping and dh was drunk. Dh's male friend was also sleeping over that night in the spare room directly above our room and dh was going to sleep on an airbed in dc1 and 2's bedroom. I heard them come in and heard 2 people go into the spare room then heard quite laughing and talkingmaybe kissing. I presumed dh's friend had brought someone home so went to find dh,

I'm waffling now any way long story short, I found dh in bed with his friend. I dont really know what was going on but i told dh he needed ti go to bed and he did. I tried to talk to dh about this the next day and he said he didn't remember the night before I felt hurt and betrayed and lots of other emotions but I did not want to break our family up so didn't really say anything else about it. We didn't have any sexual contact for a long while but carried on as normal other than that.

Fast forward almost 4 years and things are now just strange. We have had sex in the last 4 years but probably no more than 6 or 7 times. I know this isn't normal and can understand my dh's frustration but I just don't want sex. Although I do want to want it if that makes sense. I want more than anything to stay together and to be happy again. I have suggested counceling to dh but I'm not even convinced this will make me forgive and forget that night.......

I don't really know what I want anyone to reply saying I just needed to get this all out and it isn't something I would want any of my friends or family to know

[pklme]

Hopefully someone wise will come along soon, and say something sensible. It's sounds like there is a lot going on for you there. The incident with the friend, the feeling pressured for sex...

Sex aside, how do you feel about him? Is he a giver or a taker?

[Embarassed86]

I feel that overall I am neither happy or unhappy in general and intermingled with that I have happy days when I don't worry about bills or jobs that need doing and we just spend time together or with the dc's doing nice things I am happy

Giver or taker?

[ballsdeep]

Well he was cheating on you, in your own house, in the room next door with a MALe friend. Is he gay? When you say you found them in bed together, how far had they gone?

I wouldn't want sex with him either.

[Mum2jenny]

Maybe not gay, just drunk!

[adornorising]

Having sex/being intimate with his male friend doesn't make him gay, or even bi, not officially. But that's not the point. He did that in your home! With you in it! If he was able to go to the other room, he was able to remember kissing his male friend the next day. You don't forget something like that!

Do you not want sex with him, or not want sex with anybody, ever?

One needs a trip to the lawyer and the other to the doctor.

[pklme]

I suppose I was wondering if he contribute to your happiness in other ways, if he is good with the kids, emotionally available to you. If he was great in any other way, you feel close etc, but there is not enough sex then that is very different than if you are basically house mates.

[comoneileen]

How did this incident make you feel?
Is it always going to be in the way?
If so then you might be better off splitting up.

[EggnoggAndMulledWine]

Sorry that happened and you had to see it.

I don't think I could ever be with my husband again after seeing that and we have no issues with our Sex love, so that alone is completely understandable.

Have you ever been to see a councillor? I believe you get one specifically for sex.

Do you want to stay with him? Do you actually fancy him or just want to? Do you have sexual urges at all, just not for him?

I'd of needed to of say my husband down and properly asked him about what was going on with him. Is he still in contact with that friend?

[EggnoggAndMulledWine]

*life not love

[Embarassed86]

He isn't in contact with him and he definately didn't have sex with him. I didn't see anything it was dark but he wasn't in the room long enough for that I feel like I heard kissing and I'll never know whether there was any other physical contact. I have mentioned the incident in conversations since and he still says he doesn't remember but is not as determined about this as the morning after. He also assures me he is not gay or bisexual.

The incident made me feel sick and disgusted although it still nuggets me now I don't feel as strongly about it but I genuinely don't know if I can ever get over it or it will always be an issue.

I very rarely have sexual thoughts/feelings/urges and if I do they aren't directed towards anyone not him or another man.

He is a very good husband and father, he is great with the kids helps with house work/ cooking and would generally do anything for me. He tells me all the time that I'm beautiful/sexy etc (even though I most definately am not)

I think I do want to go to counceling but also feel sick at the thought of having to talk properly to someone and to him about this. I know bottling my feelings up isn't the right thing to do but it seems easier.

I just want to be happy and I want him to be happy and our dc's

[CocktailQueen]

Have you sat down and told your h what you saw, and asked him about what happened and what was going on? You need to have a frank discussion about this before you can move on. How have you put this off for four years?

[CocktailQueen]

X-posted. Can you talk to the other man about it?

It. Seems a bit silly to throw away your marriage just because you think you heard your h kissing a friend.

You've wasted four years on this - you absolutely need to talk to someone about this so you can move on with your life.

[Embarassed86]

I absolutally never want to see his friend again......

I don't know how I've put it off I guess I just wanted it to go away

I find it so hard to talk about and h just says he doesn't remember and doesn't think anything happened but I feel like he is lying because he is embarrassed

[FromAtoB]

Something similar happened to me with ex-DP.

I'm pretty sure ex-DP was/is gay, but he did love me. However, it was a massive relief when later, I met DH and he really wanted me and was properly attracted to me.

[scottishdiem]

He may be embarrassed because it was a moment he wants to forget as he was drunk which lowered his inhibitions at that moment. But if you didnt see anything and only heard something are you sure you heard what you think you did. What does kissing sound like? Also, how did he go from demanding sex to the current situation. Does he still want to have sex with you?

[Embarassed86]

I don't think/feel that dh is gay and do feel he is properly attracted to me but obviously this situation has made me question that. I know plenty of women who have kissed other women when drunk who aren't gay and I know women quite often share a bed with another women and it probably shouldn't be seen different for men but it just is isn't it

[EggnoggAndMulledWine]

So you only think you heard kissing, not definite though? What was he wearing when he left the room? How was the atmosphere the next morning with the friend?

So you don't have sexual urges towards your dh, but do you fancy him?

[EggnoggAndMulledWine]

Are you in love with him?

[Embarassed86]

Yes he still wants sex with me I wouldn't say he demands it but he is very obvious about his intentions and what he wants. There has never been a point in our relationship when he hasn't wanted to have sex with me and I do feel terrible that for 7 years or so he has been in a sex less marriage it isn't what he signed up for but that doesn't excuse that he hurt me

[EggnoggAndMulledWine]

Scottish, he could just feel completely defeated now and feel it's pointless and a waste of effort trying now after so many years.

[pseudonymph]

Embarassed Sorry you are going through this - it sounds difficult.

I am wondering how far the incident with the friend is the point here. Clearly it upset you, and reasonably so, but you also say your aversion to sex had already been going on for three years when this happen. So I am wondering if you are kind of fixating on it because it seems like a clear and easy to pin down reason for why you are feeling like that, whereas the idea that your aversion just sort of started, maybe through PND, maybe hormonal changes (I think that's not uncommon?), is less explicable. I also wonder if the fact it disgusts you and you find it hard to talk about - again, very reasonably - is giving it more prominence in your thoughts than it really deserves.

I'm not trying to dismiss it - you should absolutely talk it through with someone if it's on your mind, but I suspect you need to think more about whatever happen immediately after dc2 was born.

I really would see a counsellor, if you can face it - they will definitely have heard worse, so do not worry about that. You may not find discussing it as hard as you anticipate, and you will almost certainly feel relief after it.

[EggnoggAndMulledWine]

Embarrassed, you said though you only think you heard kissing and he has denied it. Do you think you could be grasping on to this to subconsciously use as a reason to use for why you don't want sex. As you said you didn't even before that happened.

I think you should see a councillor alone to help you sort out your feelings.

[AntiqueSinger]

I think you are focusing so much on something your not sure even happened years ago to excuse the fact that you don't want to sleep with your husband, which you didn't want before the 'incident'. Is it possible that you are still suffering some low grade depression? Low mood? Was your PND treated? Sometimes it lingers.

Your husband seems not to have been very understanding about your issues in the past. How much do you feel he really understands you? It seems like you have real issues here, but if you want to hang on to your marriage, I suggest you get counselling for yourself. Not because your not having sex with your DP, but for you alone. Sex has become too much the focus, when it may be the symptom of something else entirely, and the only way you'll find out is by getting some one-on-one time where you can explore how you've been feeling for the past 7 years, without the sense of feeling goal and time oriented,-which you would if you went for specific marriage guidance with DP.

Please get some therapy for yourself as soon as possible. Along with a full health check up. Get your hormone levels and B12 levels tested. When you feel right in yourself again, tackling the issues will be easier. Hell sex may even be something you want again. But right now you don't seem to be quite yourself.

[Embarassed86]

He was wearing his boxers that's how he sleeps so I imagine he stripped down to go to bed.

I totally agree that this incident is not the main cause of our sex issues but it does keep rearing it's ugly head whenever I think about possibly having sex (because I feel like I should)

I could be grasping at the thought that he kissed him but I don't get why he would even be in bed with him to start with. He was hammered I know that much but still. To come home not even check that me and ds were ok and then to climb into bed with his friend I just find it odd.

I wouldn't say that I fancied him, but I don't think I fancy any one and I'm certainly not disgusted by the way he looks or anything

[Embarassed86]

Antique sex has never been a big issue for me. Up until about a year ago I really waset bothered that we didn't have it only really in the last 12 months have I wanted to want it. I jave in te past seen the gp about my lack of sex drive and have been given a clean bill of health although this was a while ago. Your right that I'm not happy in myself but I don't feel that I am depressed right now. I have suffered with depression of 4 occassions in the past and hit has been treated with antidepressants