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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

wedding invites

144 replies

herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 18:04

OMG went for breakfast with ds and gf who are getting married...next year but one......looking at fab v expensive venues so I'm expecting to pay towards it. Anyhoo gf announces that out of the 110 day guests no parents friends will be invited. Wow. So I said I had been invited to my friends children's weddings. To which she said she didn't know them. And so it was left. DS backed her up. FFS how bloody rude. By the way was only looking to invite 4!!!!!!!!
What do you think? I know things might change but bloody hell. DS said his friends were priority. How naïve ?

OP posts:

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ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/12/2016 18:09

Hmm. If I was paying towards would expect my own guest or two. That's not unreasonable.

ftmsoon · 04/12/2016 18:14

I think you need to back off and take your entitlement with you. It's their wedding and up to them who they invite. They haven't asked for money and won't want it with strings attached.
You would also do well to read if the threads on here from DILs with Monster-in-laws.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/12/2016 18:14

However, what I would say is "happy to pay.....blah blah......want some friends invited......blah blah.......we'll get you together with our friends we want to come at least twice in the next two years so you get to know them....blah blah"

DelphiniumBlue · 04/12/2016 18:15

Could you speak to DS about it? If they are family friends who have known DS a long time, then yes, it would be a shame not to invite them. And if they are close friends, then presumably GF will have met them.
If, on the other hand, you are talking about your own personal friends who do not have a relationship with DS, then they are being entirely reasonable.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/12/2016 18:16

ftm op has said there's an expectation to pay towards it

TheDuckSaysMoo · 04/12/2016 18:16

Hmmm - I think this depends on how well your son knows your friends. Have they played a part in his life to date? If so then I can understand you wanting him to include them. If not, the why on earth would they want to invite people they don't know?

ftmsoon · 04/12/2016 18:18

Through OP says she's expecting to pay, not they are expecting her.

watchingthedetectives · 04/12/2016 18:19

I thought that in the 'old days' when the brides family paid for the lot the invites came from them and so who they invited was pretty much up to them.
If the B and G pay then they are doing the inviting and can invite whoever they like
In this hybrid situation I would expect a little give and take and 4 seems very reasonable out of 110.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/12/2016 18:19

Ah ok, then we need to establish who's paying. OP?

LineyReborn · 04/12/2016 18:20

Expecting to pay or expected to pay?

I wouldn't know where to start to pay towards an expensive wedding involving 110 day guests. I just wouldn't. My son knows that. He wouldn't want me to give up money I need for a day in his life.

I just find all this bizarre.

newbiz · 04/12/2016 18:21

I don't think it's unreasonable of you at all. I would expect parents to have at a table of friends each and it would also be reasonable for you to pay towards that if they didn't want to.

AmberEars · 04/12/2016 18:23

We had a fairly big wedding (136 guests) and that included a few of our parents' friends (both sides). If you are paying then definitely you should be allowed to invite four guests.

justtheonethen · 04/12/2016 18:23

My in laws didn't contribute to our wedding (didn't ask them to), this didn't stop them trying to invite about 20 of their friends.
We invited the couple that we knew as they are our neighbours and said no to the rest. MIL went on about it for weeks but I just ignored it

It's their wedding, if you give money then give it to spend as they wish or don't contribute at all.

User543212345 · 04/12/2016 18:24

I wonder whether they're starting from a no friends position so you don't go all mumzilla and demand more friends than them when the guest list is drawn up and you're grateful that you have some friends on it after all?

From my experience my parents offered about 1/4 of the money for our wedding (and then dictated stuff that cost £££) and expected the moon on a stick. I had 8 of my mother's friends on our list, and 9 of mine. I was told it was only right she had more friends than me as she was the host - had I been unreasonable in the first place and said she couldn't have any friends we could have "negotiated" up to 8 people and she'd have been delighted with it. As it was we cancelled the wedding so none of her friends came. Be careful how you play it.

Spam88 · 04/12/2016 18:25

Honestly I think you're the rude one expecting to be able to invite your friends to someone else's wedding

expatinscotland · 04/12/2016 18:27

Then don't give them money. YANBU.

DearMrDilkington · 04/12/2016 18:27

I agree with spam sorry.

EweAreHere · 04/12/2016 18:27

It's not your wedding, so it's not your guest list.

If you don't feel like contributing or if you can't contribute, then don't. Just politely decline to contribute, though, don't start lecturing them about what your friends have done, and what you want.

Tell them you're looking forward to finding a nice dress for their special day and you look forward to being a guest.

ThatStewie · 04/12/2016 18:28

I don't see why anyone should have to invite people they don't know to their wedding just because their parents gave them money for it. Money should come with no strings attached. This isn't the Victorian era and children have the right to hold their wedding with people they love attending. Unless the bride's parents are heinous, you could sit at a table with them or your extended family or even sit with your son and daughter's friends and get to know them.

EllaHen · 04/12/2016 18:33

It would not occur to my Mum to gift money and then expect something back. Don't contribute if it's not freely - it's not a gift then.

Rocky road ahead if you try and talk to your ds on his own about this.

YABU.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 04/12/2016 18:33

It's not your wedding. You don't have to pay. Why should your friends go to the wedding of someone they don't know must because you are going?

Not your wedding.

sooperdooper · 04/12/2016 18:36

It's not your wedding, they haven't asked you for money and unless your ds wants particular friends of yours there who he knows well you should keep out of the invite list

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acatcalledjohn · 04/12/2016 18:38

Surely this is a reverse?

watchingthedetectives · 04/12/2016 18:39

Are they people your DS doesn't know - which would be unreasonable or longstanding family friends/godparents that he does know and might even like?
I think if the family is close then it's not so cut and dried.
We had friends of my sister and parents because we liked them as well

DiegeticMuch · 04/12/2016 18:40

It's up to them to invite whom they want.

You're under no obligation to chip in.

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