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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dp has zero sex drive

17 replies

Zoflorabore · 04/12/2016 10:42

Hi :)

Dp is 40, I'm 39. We have 2dc, 13 and 5.

He has never really been into sex very much, mainly after a drink and he struggles to ejaculate unless he finishes off himself.

I've never had a massive sex drive but am feeling massively rejected as it's less than once every couple of months. The problems with the ejaculation have only been in the last few months.

We've just had a massive argument as I feel really low about it, was diagnosed last week with bpd and am assessing my life and feeling very unsupported in general and like he's only here for the dc.

I've often had a feeling that he's into men, call it gut instinct I don't know.
He spends a lot of time with his friend who is also our neighbour and is there pretty much fri/sat night. I've no problem with this but said to him that his friend may as well be his boyfriend ( childish I know ) and he said something along the lines of " he might as well be " then realised what he'd said and backtracked.

He has just stormed off out with friend to football and said that he has never had a sex drive, accused me of fancying random men we know and then said if I feel like this then go and find someone else if that's all I want him for!

I'm sorry this is so long, feeling rejected and unattractive and wish I could get on his head.
He has just used every excuse under the sun why we don't have sex- dc, work, me being unwell blah blah.

Surely I can't live like this!
Just to add he's on antidepressants and is also blaming them but was like this before he started taking them around 2 years ago.

Thank you for reading if you've got this far.

OP posts:

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DollyPlastic · 04/12/2016 10:44

Was he interested in sex when you first met? Have you sat down and asked him outright what the problem is?

Zoflorabore · 04/12/2016 10:49

Hi Dolly- no he wasnt. I put it down to him being inexperienced and shy, he admitted years later that he was a virgin all those years before so would have been about 26/27!

I'm being made to feel like a sex pest by him, he's not interested.

Tried to talk and he's deflecting everything onto me by saying I'm always tired etc, he never instigates and i just wish he was honest with me and more importantly with himself.

OP posts:

Zoflorabore · 04/12/2016 10:54

Sorry to confuse- I met him when ds was a baby and had separated from his dad.

OP posts:

Zoflorabore · 04/12/2016 14:10

Anyone??

OP posts:

Monkeyface26 · 04/12/2016 14:20

From what you have said, he either has a very low sex drive or is perhaps gay. It doesn't seem likely that this is to do with you. He was not interested in sex before he met you, or particularly enthusiastic about it during your relationship so this is HIS issue. The solution will therefore have to come from him and that would mean that he would have to view it as a problem and actually WANT to do something about it. Nothing in your op suggests that he wants change.
Do you believe he wants things to change? Do you love him - enough to continue on his terms? Are you getting help with your MH issues and do you have a professional you can talk to about this? This issue could affect anyone'feelings of attractiveness/self-worth.

SandyY2K · 04/12/2016 14:55

TBH, this was a pre existing problem and trying to find out 'why' is a waste of time.

A reasonable sex drive can reduce in a long term relationship, so being low in the beginning .... this was only going one way.

You'll just get stressed out trying to figure out what his problem is.

I'd cut loose and end it amicably, so you can have a decent coparenting relationship.

You only get one life, so don't waste your life in this situation.

OohhThatsMe · 04/12/2016 15:01

Don't bother spending your time with someone who says you're a sex pest! It wouldn't surprised me if he jumped right out of that closet if you left him.

Do you have any children together? (Sorry, couldn't work that out as you say you have children but then that you met when your son was little.) If you do, do you think he'd be a good father if you did separate?

Whose name is on the mortgage/tenancy?

Have you been onto the Entitled To website to see what your finances would be like if you split up. If he is the father of your children, you should look at the child maintenance website, too.

squoosh · 04/12/2016 15:03

I agree with Sandy. This isn't a situation that's going to improve. It's not as though you can even wistfully look back at the early days of your relationship. Your gut instinct that he's gay may well be right.

You need to decide if a sexless marriage is something you're prepared to put up with. My advice would be to look towards ending the relationship as this will just continue to gnaw away at your happiness and self esteem.

Good luck.

DistanceCall · 04/12/2016 15:10

As the PP said, this is a pre-existing thing. And he's not interested in changing it.

It doesn't sound like you have a relationship, but rather a sort of siblings-like setup. I would be absolutely unable to live like this.

I'm very sorry, OP.

Blossomdeary · 04/12/2016 15:17

Anti-depressants can reduce sex drive - and the modern ones are known to cause failure to ejaculate. The low sex drive beforehand will have been due to the depression. Men to tend to lash out or storm off when these sorts of problems are discussed, rather than face up to them.

I think the first thing you need to get your head round is that it really is nothing to do with you. It would be the same whoever he was with. He has a double whammy - an illness that reduces drive and a treatment that inhibits ejaculation. I guess it must feel a bit humiliating for him, so avoidance feels like the best tactic.

It may be easier to discuss with him if you take out of the equation your sense of hurt and rejection, because that is not appropriate to the situation which is not of his making.

Chops2016 · 04/12/2016 15:20

The antidepressants may not just be an excuse, reduced libido is a side effect. And if he was depressed before taking them that also reduces libido. So I wouldn't disbelieve him because it was an issue before he started taking the AD. Having rediced libido can be horrible, it's awful knowing your partner is frustrated and I can understand (to a degree) why someone may get defensive and deflect with reasons why it's happening. It can destroy confidence and make you feel ashamed.

The key question here is whether he is willing to seek help to remedy the situation? Would he be willing to see his GP and/or go to counselling to try and improve your sex life? If not, then it would indicate it doesnt matter to him too nuch that you're unhappy and unfulfilled, and you need to ask yourself if you are happy to stay in the relationship if that is the case.

LellyMcKelly · 04/12/2016 20:33

This happened to me and my ex. Turned out he was gay. It was a relief in a way. At least it wasn't because I was too fat/too thin, too blonde/too dark etc. He just didn't fancy me because he was gay.

Sneakynamechage · 04/12/2016 21:02

I love how one of the reasons he doesn't want too have sex is because he could be gay.
I didn't want sex last night, My DH didn't ponder if I was a lesbian.
He's human, not all men constantly want sex. Peoples sex drives vary. Instead of presuming he could be gay, have you thought he could be asexual? Or just simply doesn't want sex that much.

squoosh · 04/12/2016 21:06

Sneaky don't be ridiculous. The OP isn't basing this on one rejection is she? It sounds highly likely he could be gay.

Sneakynamechage · 04/12/2016 21:11

Why? Because he has a male friend who he spends time with? Or because he responded back with a "he might aswell be" too her comment?
She hasn't caught him sleeping with another man, hasn't found him watching gay porn, and hasn't found any suggestive texts too a man. So all it comes down to is
No sex = gay.

squoosh · 04/12/2016 21:17

'I've often had a feeling that he's into men, call it gut instinct I don't know.'

They've always had a lack lustre sex life and she's often had a hunch that he's gay. Far more likely he's gay than asexual. The number of people who are actually asexual is pretty tiny really.

Ask any gay man you know whether he ever sees married 'straight' men on gay dating sites and he'll tell you it's very common. No evidence the OP's husband is doing that but I mention it just to illustrate that there are many closeted men (and women) in straight marriages.

LellyMcKelly · 04/12/2016 21:21

Let's see: won't do it unless he's pissed, has to finish himself off, is always with another man, depressed (common in closeted men), gut instinct that he's into other men...it's definitely not conclusive, but neither is it beyond the realms of possibility.

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