Christmas without my children

[fakefuss]

I have 2 DD with different fathers. One is 13 one 3.

With DD13 I have been separated with her dad since before age 1. We have always had alternate christmases, but she has always stayed with me Christmas Eve. The first couple I let him sleep on the sofa, after that, I used to call him as soon as she was awake and he would come to watch her open her presents.

I have recently split with DD3's dad. As it is not my Christmas to have DD13 it makes sense that I have them together next year. DD3's dad will be having her to stay Christmas Eve and I am completely devastated. I've literally cried everyday since it was decided. The thought that I won't see her face when she first wakes up and realises Santa had been is destroying me. I will see her for an hour or so. If this had been my Christmas, I would've done as I did with elder DD, I don't feel like either of us should miss out at Christmas. I guess with out split being recent I don't understand how he can do this. I will literally never feel the same way about him again, as much as I understand it is the 'right' way to do things.

I'm trying to make the best of the run up to Christmas with my DD's and will make Christmas Eve day as special as possible, but how do I deal with this? How do I stop myself from crying every time I think of Christmas? How do I hold myself together on Christmas Eve for elder DD, once I hand DD3 over to her dad?

Sorry for such a long post. Any advice would be gratefully received.

[Idodo]

I understand as I am in a similar position.

I heard a Christmas song yesterday and filled up with tears. I have already decided I don't want to receive any merry Christmas texts on Christmas Day. I think I will switch my phone off. My plan is to put a brave face on and try to make the run up to Christmas as positive as possible.

I am keeping Christmas Day very low key, not cooking a big dinner and just keep my head down and tell myself it's only one day.

[Greaterthanthesumoftheparts]

Will both girls be back with you on Boxing Day? If so, can you shift Christmas one day? How about a nice girly evening with DD1 on Christmas Eve, nice Christmas film in your PHs with hot chocolate and something nice to eat. Christmas Day treat as any other day, or simply stay in your pjs all day and watch crap TV or use it to prepare the best "Christmas Day" your girls have ever seen for the day after. There's nothing to say Father Christmas can't come twice for the three year old, so she can have a stocking on Boxing Day or even 27th if you want. It sucks, we had Christmas Day without DSS for many years and DP hated it. I hope you manage to find a lovely time.

[Graceflorrick]

This would break me OP, so I understand where you're coming from. So perhaps what I'd do is have Christmas Day on the 24th when you're all together, tell her that Santa came early and get your older one on board. Then when she goes, ho to the cinema/ out for a meal with your older DD.

[Andbabymakesthree]

I'd be broken too.

Be prepared that older DD will be either excited to have you to herself or devasted as missing her sister.

Agree cinema or treat in evening for two of u.

Xmas day. I'd not want to be around other families tbh. That'll be harder still.

Remember why you are doing this. To have them both next year x

[minmooch]

I spent every other year without my boys. Just shift the day. It's not the same but will have to be good enough in the circumstances.

It's just one day and you will get through.

Christmas is pretty shit when things are not going well in your life. I don't think I've felt the same about Christmas since I split with my boys dad when they were 5 & 6. My eldest son died aged 18 two and half years ago. Christmas is now spectacularly difficult. I tell myself it's just one day. Eat loots of chocolate, drink wine, watch loads of tv. Think of it as a rest and treat day.

It's hard but you can and will get through it

[RockStonePebble]

My DCs will both be with their dad for Christmas Day this year. They'll be with me for Boxing Day.

This is the second time I will have had Christmas without them (last one was 2014). For me, I focus on what the most important thing is. The important thing to me is that they have a lovely day. And I know they'll have that with their dad. He will get them nice gifts, play games with them and take them to visit their cousins. They will have a fab time.

I will miss them, of course. But that's about me not them. I won't be torturing myself thinking of everything I'm missing because all it will do is upset me. I choose not to cry into my Christmas pudding and to enjoy an adult Christmas Day. I know my kids will have a really fun day with their dad.

And they can have a lovely Christmas Day with me on Boxing Day.

I know it's hard. But it's just one day. There is no reason why a loving father can't give them a brilliant Christmas Day.

[Offred]

My dcs are with their dad for Christmas too. It's not upsetting to me. They were with me last year and he had to deal with that.

I'm looking forward to a nice quiet couple of days.

It is just a day. I think you need to try and get it in perspective.

Only one of my dc still believes in Father Christmas but I've just handled it by asking them all whether they want to do a Christmas Eve/day with me before or after the one with their dad or if they wanted me to drop off their presents and pop round to their dads.

They chose, unsurprisingly, to have two christmasses and I told dtd who still believes, that I would book it in with Father Christmas.

It really is just a day. You can do it another day with the added advantage that shops won't be shut if you need anything!

[fakefuss]

Thank you everyone.

You are right, I do need to get some perspective and focus on the girls. I know they will both have a lovely day, albeit a different day. It's just hard it being the first Christmas Eve/Christmas morning I wont have her. Our break up is recent and although I'm coming to terms with the fact that it is for the best, it is still quite raw, so that obviously isn't helping.

I haven't been upset in front of them, been keeping that for when I'm alone (if you can call walking around tesco alone..haha), just trying to put on a smile and enjoy the festivities - fake it til you make it so they say.

As much as I'm not wishing anyone a lonely Christmas it is comforting to know I am not the only one in this situation. I was talking to someone the other day who basically told me I'm good for letting this happen and there is no way she would. For me, I don't feel like I have a choice, he is as much her parent as I am.

Thanks for all your replies.

[Mouseinahole]

This year make Christmas Eve Day a special big celebration as it is in parts of Europe. Get them to leave out a big slipper on the 23rd to be filled with little treats by St Nicholas and give them each a Christmas Box from you.
Fill it with new pjs and some presents including a book and a soft toy (13 year olds usually love a cuddly toy too). Have a 'name your favourite' meal at lunch time where each of you chooses one course and have crackers etc. Get them to hang up stockings at your house which they will find filled when they come home. Have a preprepared 'box' for yourself too and have an indulgent day on 25th. Fill their stockings, put presents under the tree and have another celebration once they are home. You can do this.

[BlackeyedSusan]

Santa is really, really busy this time of year. maybe he can come a day early?

[TheGingerBreadWoman]

Unfortunately you will have to pull up your big girl pants and get on with it. I say this as a mum of 2 dcs who will be with their dad this year for Christmas.

It sucks it really does but the kids deserve to spend the special times with their dad as well as their mum.

Just plan 'Christmas day' for another day, make it fun and enjoy it. And try and do something you enjoy on Christmas Day - visiting family, staying in bed reading all day, long walk with friends or dogs....it really is just one day.

[springydaffs]

mooch

[fakefuss]

This is very much why I wrote on here, I needed to be told to pull myself together, I definitely have my big girl pants on today. Reading back on my posts I sound a bit dramatic, I needed to get it out I think. I'm trying not to dampen anyone's Christmas spirit in real life, so this was what I needed.

I don't think it's deliberate (think he's just excited) but he keeps telling me their Christmas plans and last night sent me a photo of their fully decorated tree and it just made me upset. I do want to know what she's doing but at the same time feel a bit resentful.

It is just another day. I've been trying to find somewhere to volunteer at on Christmas Day, but they are all booked up! I will keep looking, I really can't do the family thing, but don't want to be alone either.

[springydaffs]

It really isn't so bad at all op. It's the stigma of it that hurts the most...

...and thinking about other families, how everyone is having a Fabulous Time. Well guess what, they aren't. Or not all of them by a long chalk, anyway.

Once I broke that Alone At Christmas thing it wasn't half bad. In fact, it was great. I still have pre - Christmas nerves about Being Alone On Christmas Day but once the day gets going I remember how good it is.

Re helping out at charities, you can badger them. A lot of people don't turn up and orgs could do with backup. You'll need a bit of training but there's still time.

[goddessofsmallthings]

When girls and boys can't be with their dms on Christmas morning Santa starts his rounds on the night of the 23rd, which is known as 'Early Christmas Eve', but his sleigh might fly by your home if your little dd doesn't hang her stocking up and leave a carrot outside the front or back door where Rudolf can see it.

Those girls and boys who are away from their dms or dfs for an extended period during the UK's traditonal festive season can have their presents delivered by the Three Kings on January 6th: //www.whychristmas.com/customs/epiphany.shtml

[Offred]

He could be trying to involve you in DD's Christmas! Even if he is being insensitive or nasty with the pics etc it will help you if you try and reframe it in your mind as an opportunity to be involved in her Christmas!

I think you will get there eventually. This kind of thing is all part of having separated parents. It helps me that I can't abide Christmas anyway because my family are a nightmare.

[Mamatallica]

Do Christmas with your children another day. As for Christmas Day itself, sleep in, relax in a nice bath, choose some fun non-Christmas related DVDs that make you feel good, Blues Brothers for example, that always cheers me up. Have a decent bottle of wine and enjoy a nice break. If you can get your head in the right place, it will work well, you'll be all rested for your postponed festivities and you can get loads of exciting Christmas food half price or less on Boxing Day!

[Winniethepooer]

My oldest dc are 24 & 27. They never spent Christmas Day with their dad.
They went to him on Boxing Day. They never asked to have them.

[BlackeyedSusan]

St Nicholas comes on the 6th December and leaves presents in shoes left out.

Some countries have presents on Christmas eve.

.

[DiegeticMuch]

Avoid social media showing friends' (carefully orchestrated and probably unrealistic) perfect Christmas posts and pics. Avoid tv ads showing blissful nuclear families (representing less than fifty percent of actual families). Avoid radio phone-in programmes with all the daft "please wish my beautiful wife and our new baby happy Christmas" etc. Just chill with some films and food.

[user1480843266]

Avoid social media, Facebook really is so depressing in situations like that. I'd think of something totally wacky to do, like wrap up warm and hike up pen y fan or something, or hire an electric bike in a city you've never been to, always wanted to, get a map and sightsee it, roads will be quiet, it will be fab. Near where we live, you can help the nuns on christmas day feeding the homeless, something like that would really give meaning to your day and I bet put a smile on it.

[user1480843266]

Great day to start a new hobby... And if you have a hobby maybe like cycling, road cycle somewhere breathtaking or if you fancy off road hit the mountains, they're always open! And always stunning, whatever the weather. And you'll find if you do something like that, you'll meet people there, doing just what you're doing.

I must say, when I got divorced I hated alone times/holiday times. Finding a hobby and doing something for me saved me and now when I'm alone, I look forward to it, cos it's my me time.

Got another great idea, Christmas day dog walking service! Provides a valuable service, could make some money too and it's like a big social walking a dog, people always stop to chat don't they?

[Chipscheesentomatosauce]

LChristmas Day technically falls on my ex's day for having DS this year, and I was wondering if he might take him (DS has always stayed with me Christmas Eve and with ex on Christmas night so far) and I would have been okay with that. Fairs fair. But ex has said no, DS stays with me, he thinks that's how it should be, which I was glad of. But the amount of mums who have said to me they would never let
that happen amazes me.