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No close friends and not bothered

(19 Posts)
GraceNotes Tue 29-Nov-16 19:20:01

I have no friends, only acquaintances that I've known for less than 2 years. I feel I should be bothered by this, but I'm also quite happy with this situation. Would be interested in hearing from others' 'friendship' experiences since been a Mum.

I've moved around a lot in my adult years and only kept in touch with one friend from school; for 25 years. That ended quite badly 3 years ago. She fitted the narcissist profile. She did not have kids or a long-term partner and as things started going right in my life, she just got nastier. I told her I wasn't interested in remaining friends.

I see lots of my school friends on FB and they meet up regularly. I feel a bit jealous of that. But then I remember how fake and two-faced they were at school, so not sure I'd like to re-link with them.

Joined NCT when I moved to the area 4 years ago. There was a falling out in the group (between two other girls) and it divided the group. I've retained a loose friendship with a couple of them. There is one in particular who became a close friend of mine, but she started really messing me about (I actually think I attract narcissists - I'm a laid back-easy going type and people often seem to think they can mess me about), so I distanced myself from her. We are still in contact but I've been happier since she became more like an acquaintance.

When I had my first child I was very keen to 'make friends'. I felt isolated and alone in a new area. Some of my childless friends got ratty when I cancelled a few times, as they couldn't understand the pressures a new baby brings. I forged a few new friendships with poeple I had little in common with, so when we moved they just dwindled away. Now I see some women from the village regularly at a play-group. They are all really nice, but I'd call them acquaintances as we either only meet at a group, or its more about meeting for a playdate for the children.

Is it weird I don't really care? Never felt this way about friendships before (always felt I should have close friends), but I actually feel less stressed these days.

BumDNC Tue 29-Nov-16 19:37:59

I only have about 2 friends I speak to and sometimes I find it hard to keep in touch with them regularly. I don't feel that bothered either it is less stressful!!

tiej Tue 29-Nov-16 19:44:48

I have gradually become friendless by choice and I like it.

I love to have time stretching out in front of me with no commitments. The freedom.

CrossfireHurricane Tue 29-Nov-16 19:45:41

I would be absolutely devastated if I didn't have my small but loyal group of friends to be honest.
There is just something so nice about looking forward to seeing them and having a good catch up, they enhance my life no end. Of course, we all have our little quirks but then we are all human.
I imagine it must be strange to not have a friend to tell a funny story to or have another point of view given if you need it.

TheLegendOfBeans Tue 29-Nov-16 19:50:19

This is a reality that's kind of dawning on me. Like you I've done a lot of moving about, haven't really found the BFFs that the NCT seems to give others but I'm ok with it. I wasn't to begin with and it feels like I'm going through a transition. But I've also been hideously let down by my "best" friend of a decade this year and I'm wrapping my head round the fact the friendship is dying and I can say I've done all I can but I know no effort will be forthcoming from her.

I have one or two close mates but my circumstances will change again next year which may put the kibosh on those.

All in all, accepting that life is not Sex and the City and that sometime friendships can be transient...transient but rewarding.

It's ok. smile

lukasgrahamfan Tue 29-Nov-16 19:52:01

I have one quite close friend who I try and meet up with each weekend, and 2 others who are a couple but I feel a bit uncomfortable when I see them every 2-3 months as they rub in that I am on my own and they have each other.

I have been used and messed about by 'friends' in the past and more recently and walked away from two who were actually affecting my mental wellbeing.

So am happy with what I have, and yes, feel less stressed as a result. One good friend has died and cannot be replaced. It's best I keep to myself, anyway it's so hard to meet people at my age.

I have lots of time for my sons and grandchildren so I'm missing nothing.

Julia1973 Tue 29-Nov-16 19:56:38

Yep pretty friendless here. I have lovely colleagues. I have lovely former colleagues that I stay in touch with. I have really good acquaintances. I have a former au pair who has become part of the family.

But the only friendships I have had-the lets tell each other everything kind-have all ended in tears.

Including my friendship with my former best friend and soul mate aka.My husband.

tiej Tue 29-Nov-16 19:56:45

I used to feel like you Crossfire and had lots of wonderful friends, but now I'm getting on a bit, and my best mate died, I can't be bothered with people who I don't really, really like.

My introvert tendencies have taken over.

spudlike1 Tue 29-Nov-16 20:12:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum Tue 29-Nov-16 20:16:45

If you didn't really care then why post this thread? It wouldn't be important enough to write about and in so much detail in justification/explanation of it?

TheLegendOfBeans Tue 29-Nov-16 20:17:30

Joys

Because it's mumsnet, duh!

BadToTheBone Tue 29-Nov-16 20:22:30

I don't have any close friends either, life just isn't set up that way at the moment, but TBH I've never made friends easily, although at uni has had some great friends, the alcohol helped! I went to uni abroad and although I'm still in touch with people via Facebook, I haven't actually seen anyone in years.

I don't miss having friends, I have a reasonably busy life with work and kids sports, I talk to Dh. I like people well enough but I also like being alone. In years to come, when kids are older I'll get back into my sport and maybe make a friend or two. I'll never be one to contact them a lot though.

SerialReJoiner Tue 29-Nov-16 20:37:03

I'm not a social butterfly. I am kind, thoughtful and friendly, but it takes a lot out of me to do those things, iyswim. I need plenty of downtime to recharge from social encounters. I have a couple of people I consider close friends and would love to see them more regularly - they moved very far away a few years ago - but they are more social than me so probably don't count me as close a friend as I do them. If that makes sense? I used to feel sad about my lack of a social circle, but it's okay now. I make up quantity with quality. ;) I can't get out much at this stage in my life, anyway, with a dh who works long hours and small DC. Maybe in a few years I will feel differently but right now I am content.

spudlike1 Tue 29-Nov-16 20:41:57

Thankyou serial I'm the same , I find social encounters exhausting and often drink too much to numb the awkwardness I feel . I often find I feel.lonely in a crowd particularly if it doesn't click , I'm left wondering why I bothered ......

pandapop17 Tue 29-Nov-16 21:55:34

I am the same. I am an introvert and like my own company. I do like people and have a job that involves a lot of socialising. Work fulfils any social needs I have. Outside of work I just want to hang with my husband and kids. I do have a few friends who I see occasionally and that's enough. To be honest I don't like having to emotionally invest in others. I will be there for people if they need me but an intense BFF relationship does not appeal. I think it's fine and I am happy. I hate the cultural stereotype of women and a group of close female friends. We don't all need or want it. My mum is an extrovert with lots of friends. They have lots of holidays and nights out. She loved it but its not my idea of fun and relaxation!

DiegeticMuch Tue 29-Nov-16 22:49:53

I've a tiny family so my friends are important to me.

My elderly mother has never had any friends and I've found it burdensome as she's become older TBH. It'll be worse if my dad predeceases her because then she will have no one at all, and will spend all day every day at home alone unless we visit. She has no hobbies, can't drive, and has never used the internet (she and my dad started a course aimed at pensioners, but she gave up). It's a bit frustrating. I don't suppose anyone on this thread will turn out that needy though!

GraceNotes Wed 30-Nov-16 12:52:48

have hobbies and get out a lot. I bump into lots of people I 'know' and enjoy chats. I'm quite sociable but just haven't got that 'go to' friend at the moment, that I can discuss things with in depth. I have those kind of talks with my DH instead. I'm actually just surprised that I feel quite content and OK with this and wondered what others' experiences are.
Thanks for commenting.

The long-term friend of 25 years I mentioned was very friends-orientated and judged people by how many friendships they had. When she visited me just after my first child was born, she told me that having children would leave me 'isolated and with no friends'. She was very unhappy with her own life and I know she said it out of jealousy (along with lots of other envious cutting comments). She was worried I'd meet lots of Mummy friends and she would no longer be able to control me (which is what she liked to try and do). Needless to say it was the start of the demise of our friendship.

I suppose her words haunted me for a while, as I was new to the area, but I've gradually learned that I'm actually a lot happier and more content without having close friendships. Probably because the ones I have had in the past haven't been that nice/reliable.

FlyingElbows Wed 30-Nov-16 13:14:40

I don't have anyone either. People that I know to speak to but no friends. I don't look for friendship like other people do. I was bullied at school and that extended into university too unfortunately (I suspect maybe some level of asd, either that or I really am just awful!) and I had a lifetime of ea from my bpd mother. So sadly my experience of people is not great and I'm not looking for more of that. I never did any of that baby groups and mummy mates thing. I'm one of those pitiable people who prefers the company of animals. Suits me but I do worry about the impact it maybe has on Mr Elbows.

Minivaperviper Wed 30-Nov-16 17:50:43

I've never been bothered by friendships in the past but through a hobby I made a BFF without realising it, made other friends and many aquaintences also, We are not in each others pockets but we can talk about anything and be there for each other when needed and now I would really miss having her friendship.

Never held onto frienships from childhood, I had lots and a few bffs at different stages.

I find that most of my childhood friends are living on other planets/living completely different lives that don't fit with mine so there is no use reconnecting.

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