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Abusive eh says I have abused, attacked & belittled him

(27 Posts)
itsjustamess Tue 29-Nov-16 19:00:09

My exH who has a documented history of abuse against him has just accused me of abusing, attacking him & be-littling him in front of our 2 teenage DS (17 & 15)

Despite the fact he treated to suffocate me with cling film, numerous suicide threats & the police having to take me to a safe house.

Background to this incident : 2 weeks ago he took the then 14 yo to the cinema - it was a 15 film. He had purchased the tickets and was refused entry because he didn't have ID. "Somehow" he got in a fight with the bouncer in the foyer and ended up getting the poor guy by the throat. All in full public view & in front of DS.

Tonight he came to pick DS up & they were talking about fighting.

EXH " I only have to go to the cinema to get in a fight LOLOLOL"
Me : " It's not something to brag about"

He was like a bomb " How dare you attack me in front of children. All you ever do is abuse and belittle me"

Just absolutely staggering - wanker

itsjustamess Tue 29-Nov-16 19:02:10

threatened !! - actually had it unrolled and up to my face whilst pinned against the wall

HeavenlyEyes Tue 29-Nov-16 19:03:20

Why is he speaking to you and in your home? I would have him nowhere near me, let alone having a conversation. And tbh I would wonder why he is near the dc at all tbh.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Tue 29-Nov-16 19:11:22

Ha! My arse of an ex does this. I don't speak a word to him now. All communication in writing and he is not allowed in my home (or even to know where I live). Keep him at the door next time and don't speak a word to him. "DS's your dad's here" and then shut the door, and make sure your sons know that he is never to step foot in your home (incase they don't realise and invite him in).

itsjustamess Tue 29-Nov-16 19:11:38

It was a doorstep handover.

He just text me saying "DS wants to know what I have done wrong ?? I have done nothing - you explain to him "

WTF - stupid or what ?

itsjustamess Tue 29-Nov-16 19:14:36

He didn't know where I lived but I went away recently, he stole my wallet & found a receipt. He then phoned the hotel & they sent him my secret email address & home address. Previous to this I always dropped the DC off

BantyCustards Tue 29-Nov-16 19:16:20

Classic abuser behaviour: project, self-victimise, bambozle, should loud - anything to shift blame to someone else

goddessofsmallthings Tue 29-Nov-16 19:28:11

How did he come by your wallet if you were away from the address you say he didn't know? Did one of the dc tell him the address?

At 15 and 17 your dc are old enough to make their own arrangements to meet up with him away from your home and there's no need for you to see him.

Hermonie2016 Tue 29-Nov-16 19:34:01

This is exactly what my stbxh has done, there must be a script. Some how they must b the victim.Never able to take responsibility.They will end up with sad lives as you cant have healthy relationships when you behave like this.

I would keep firm boundaries and as you have boys it's important that they know aggressive behaviour isn't acceptable.

itsjustamess Tue 29-Nov-16 19:34:41

Unfortunately we shared a family car (90/10 split as he has a van ) that he needed for football. We used to meet in a car park to hand over - small car for big car. He took my wallet on the last handover. The receipt was from 2 weeks prior.
He also solved the car problem by taking the car on Friday night (he kept the spare set of keys and refused to give them back when we split)

goddessofsmallthings Tue 29-Nov-16 19:55:10

He's the equivalent of a ticking bomb and given his "well-documented" abusive behaviour, I suggest you give consideration to applying for a non-molestation order to keep him away from your home.

I also suggest you have some strong words with the manager of the hotel in question who had no right to disclose your personal details to your ex, or any other enquirer for that matter.

SandyY2K Tue 29-Nov-16 21:02:58

I suggest you give consideration to applying for a non-molestation order to keep him away from your home.

^ Spot on.

I also suggest you have some strong words with the manager of the hotel in question who had no right to disclose your personal details to your ex, or any other enquirer for that matter

^ it's a breach of the data protection act and you should take it further.

Bogeyface Tue 29-Nov-16 22:26:54

If he had you pinned against the wall then that is assault and I suggest that you call the police. Ask for bail to include him not contacting you or coming to your home with powers of arrest if he breaks it. Then go for the non mol order.

Has he been charged re the cinema incident?

frieda909 Tue 29-Nov-16 23:11:17

I know it's not the point of this thread but you should definitely phone the hotel and rip them a new one!!! Passing the private details of an abused wife to her abuser... I am absolutely livid on your behalf! Not sure if the police can do much about it (I'm far from an expert) but is it worth reporting to them too? That sounds very much like stalking to me.

I'm sorry you've been through and are still going through so much. His 'abuse' accusations are completely ludicrous and I'm sure anyone can see that!

WouldHave Tue 29-Nov-16 23:17:12

The only person who has belittled him is him, by his wankerish behaviour at the cinema.

I second the advice to go to the police - he's committed assault and theft, and in effect he's stalking you. Also look at getting an injunction.

PickAChew Tue 29-Nov-16 23:17:29

Did you contact the police when he took your wallet?

Contact with him needs to end. No visiting to pick up the kids. No car sharing. He's going to have you completely tied in knots.

Ellisandra Tue 29-Nov-16 23:43:26

I remember your hotel thread sadangry

Just because he knows your address, doesn't mean you have to change your arrangements! Go back to dropping off.

You are asking for trouble with all the car swapping. Has that ended now he has stolen it? I know it is unfair that you have to give up the car if you are joint owners - but I honestly think it's better for you.

user1477282676 Tue 29-Nov-16 23:45:44

I'd stop my sons seeing a man like that. Their Dad or not. He sounds dangerous and not a good example for two boys at a critical age.

itsjustamess Wed 30-Nov-16 01:14:07

Thanks for all your answers.

I am temporarily driving around in my learner son's car (it has 4 wheels & I can park it out of sight). My dad is giving me his car . I don't care about the car - it was more about how we we had parents evening & parking is always a pain so we agreed to all go in one car. He drove (my driving makes him sick) and when he dropped us off he just stopped outside my house & said I'm taking the car I deserve it. It's fine. I have no parking permit for the other car - I have to park down an unlit lane but thank fuck - take the car & drive off Beachy Head (sorry if I offended anyone)

As far as the hotel goes I have a long list of email exchanges - they are completely wiping their hands of the situation but I have taken it higher (CITIZEN M shame on you )

itsjustamess Wed 30-Nov-16 01:15:04

Sorry for the awful grammar

LadyRivers1 Wed 30-Nov-16 01:40:13

Wow of course he says that - my ex shares posts on his Facebook (that I have asked people to stop showing me as he is blocked for a reason) about emotional abuse and the impact of it hmm. Yeah, and I'm bi polar apparently. It's a tactic! They are the victims, poor souls, they were even the victims when they were provoked into attacking us.

Totally agree about going back to dropping off at an arranged point, my ex still creeps around my house (can't prove it) and tries to turn up at my door but I stick to my guns with the meeting point.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? I can't recommend it highly enough and it's excellent for learning about their behaviour, how it isn't your fault, learning about asserting your boundaries and even not reacting to things like that.

How do your sons feel about contact with him? My youngest DD is 7 and has just recently resumed contact with him after an 8 week break because he shouted at her and because he quizzes them about me. Maybe if your sons feel uncomfortable with him there would be no harm in ceasing contact for a while.

And the hotel - angry

goddessofsmallthings Wed 30-Nov-16 08:20:53

As regulars on this board can attest, I am not an alarmist but, having read your earlier post of 15 November, I am compelled to express my serious concern for your safety, OP.

Your abusive and controlling not yet an ex h is deranged; there is no other term for a man who behaves as he has done, and continues to do, and I am now wholly convinced that he is most definitely the equivalent of a ticking bomb which may detonate at any time.

PLEASE get back to Women's Aid as a matter of urgency. Although, given the ages of your male dc, the 3 of you cannot be given a refuge placement, they can help you to be safe in other ways such as advocating for the police install a panic button and, if required, other security measures in your home, and flag up your phone number(s) so that any calls from you are given priority.

WA can also recommend solicitors who have specific expertise in domestic abuse cases. It goes without saying that you are in dire need of a non-mol to keep him away from you and your home, and it may be that the police report of the incident when he destroyed your personal property in the street for all to see will serve to make you eligible for legal aid in divorce proceedings.

Your earlier post makes horrifying reading and it beggars belief that you are running his household as well as your own because you "know he will flip" if you say no.

FGS STOP ENABLING THIS MAN AND START DETACHING FROM HIM. If he threatens suicide again don't chase him round the woods because he's got a rope or sit watching while a friend prises his mouth open to remove pills he has no intention of swallowing; call the police and let them deal with him as they see fit.

It's clear that 25 years of his abusive and controlling ways have beaten you down but, although you may be scared shitless of standing him up to him, you now need to take back the power you have ceded to him by resolving that enough is enough and you are not going to lie down and roll over for him again.

It may help to provide the necessary motivation for the worm to turn you to become proactive if you view it as being the very least you can do to address some of the harm that has been done to your dc by being raised in the toxic environment of your dysfunctional marriage.

May I ask you to please refrain from starting another thread on the subject of your h as responders are disadvantaged when they're not in possession of all the available information on which to base their opinions and OPs, such as yourself, benefit from having dedicated threads on which to measure their progress and garner a team of supporters who are on hand 24/7 to provide encouragement as well as sound advice.

What is the current state of play with your youngest dc?

Mooey89 Wed 30-Nov-16 08:24:47

Yep - mine does this too. I was abusive allegedly. Despite me leaving because he strangled me.

Oh and because I stopped overnight contact when he introduced a girlfriend if 10 days who's children were all in care, I'm also a child abuser.

Water off a ducks back now!!!!

memyselfandaye Wed 30-Nov-16 08:28:12

goddess You have no business telling the OP not to start any more threads about this prick, it's controlling, the last thing she needs.

WouldHave Wed 30-Nov-16 10:09:44

Goddess is right that you absolutely do need to do something to protect yourself and your children from this man. Do the children actually want to see him? I would have thought it's incredibly bad for them having to associate with a man who behaves like this. Please see a solicitor about getting a non-molestation order.

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