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Up and Left because im pregnant

(29 Posts)
Pugsymalone Mon 28-Nov-16 09:09:30

Has anyone had a partner leave them when they were pregnant? Would love if anyone had any advice on what to do , boyfriend of 2 almost 3 years split from me the week after I found out I was pregnant as he claimed he "didn't love me anymore" told me he would 100% be there for me and the baby but hasnt once contacted me , has ignored all scan photos and appointments or hasnt once texted to see how I am , yet is going around telling everyone that were having a baby? Why bother telling people if he's not contacting me, honestly at a loss here as I don't know whether to just keep updating him on the pregnancy whether he replies or not or just try no contact at all, I just find it very hard to let him and his family treat me like this while im pregnant and then I know they'll be all over me when babys here and I just don't agree with that if they're acting like I don't exist when im pregnant ?? Its putting a lot of stress on me and while im not expecting him to constantly text me I would expect even a weekly text to ask how I am or a reply to scan photos to say he's glad everything's healthy but zilch :-( mentally and physically drained over it , it's been a month now since I found out I was pregnant and no contact from him at all im ️only 19 so it's hard enough for me as is , and hearing he is out every weekend with girls etc is just breaking my heart I went to pick up baby ️️bits yesterday and while I was out got a phonecall to say he'd gone off with a girl the night before and she now has his phone which means she can see all the private pictures and messages I had sent him about the pregnancy so that ruined my day out, I know I can't control if he moves on but I was his first girlfriend he was never this kind of person before we broke up. I just wish things were different I actually wake up on Fridays dreading the weekend because I know he will be out and by sunday il have heard a story about him, I just want us to even be civil so we can have a good relationship for our babys sake but he seems to have no interest at all.

bluebell9 Mon 28-Nov-16 10:01:28

Could you focus on you and the baby rather then your ex?

Its not your job to make him interested in the baby. He needs to make an effort. If you stop updating him, he will have to make the effort to find out about his child if he wants to be involved. I don't know him and don't want to sound harsh, but by the effort he has made so far, he doesn't sound that interested.

Trills Mon 28-Nov-16 10:14:38

You're 19, you've been with your boyfriend since you were 16, you found out you were accidentally pregnant a month ago, and he left you. Is that the situation?

There's no way to say this without sounding harsh, but have you considered an abortion?

You don't have to be pregnant. You don't have to have a baby.

SandyY2K Mon 28-Nov-16 10:25:42

Stop updating him, because he's clearly not interested, but it's a shame his family aren't checking on you.

I would keep your evidence of your contact with him, as it might be useful in custody arrangements.

It could be the responsibility has scared him, but that's no way to act. How old is he?

Do you have family support?

Pugsymalone Mon 28-Nov-16 11:15:31

@Trills im in Ireland abortion is illegal here and im almost 4 months I have no intention of getting rid of this baby I just want him to be involved like he said he would

@SandyY2K he's also 19 he's usually quite mature but I think he's just gotten scared , I do have family support ️thank god

Trifleorbust Mon 28-Nov-16 11:25:40

Trills: Not only harsh but inappropriate in the extreme. Do you really think it is your place to be advising strangers on the Internet (who didn't ask) to terminate their pregnancies?

OP, you need to think about your own health and wellbeing and not this idiot. You can't force him to be interested. Make him come to you if he wants contact and if he wants news about the pregnancy. Seek out other sources of support from family and friends if you can. He will only ever be a liability to you, whereas your baby will hopefully be a blessing flowers

Scarydinosaurs Mon 28-Nov-16 11:38:19

Once you become a mother things are going to massively shift for you- you sound like a sensible young woman who has been badly treated by the father of your child- but this does not define you. You can start building your future without him- don't continue to update him, if he hasn't replied to your message I honestly think to continue to contact him will just upset you.

How many months pregnant are you? Have you thought about parenting classes? Have you joined a due in group on here?

CocktailQueen Mon 28-Nov-16 11:42:46

You can't force him to be interested.

I'd stop focusing on him - block him on all social media - and focus on yourself and your baby.

Start building a support network to be there for you when your baby is here - it doesn't sound like your ex will be much help. flowers

Maybe he is scared, maybe he is taking a while to come to terms with you being pg, or maybe he's being a massive bellend - either way, you can't change it.

Then when baby is here, apply for maintenance from him.

StefCWS Mon 28-Nov-16 11:43:07

My best friend was 4 months pregnant when her partner left her for another woman. It was shit but it happened and she concentrated on her and the baby. When the baby was born she looked amazing again and so was the baby (my god daughter) he wanted her back and do you know what... she didn't want him back by then, genuinely in that time got over him. Fuck him babe! Fuck him!

Tenshidarkangel Mon 28-Nov-16 11:57:37

he's also 19 he's usually quite mature but I think he's just gotten scared , I do have family support ️thank god

Umm no. Standing by the mother of your child and supporting her would be the mature thing to do, even if it's not together in a relationship.
Block him, move on and focus on your health and the baby. That life is the most important right now.

And make sure you get the maintenance for your baby.

Being a single mum is tough but you can do it. You've already said your family will support you. Keep your chin up.

Bluntness100 Mon 28-Nov-16 12:12:59

Are you maybe hoping he will come back to you? Your post says you just want to be civil, but I get the impression him going out with other girls bother you.

Basically he's too immature to be a dad and would rather be having fun out partying. So you need to focus on you , I'd not give him contact and let him come to you. Sorry.

SandyY2K Mon 28-Nov-16 12:37:01

He's clearly not that mature to abandon you like this. It seems he just did this when you informed him you were pregnant. He might be scared, being so young, but that's not an excuse to just ignore you.

I'd be very tempted to tell him that following his lack of interest in the baby/scans, you won't be keeping him updated and the next he'll here from you is when you apply for child support.

Recovery Mon 28-Nov-16 13:00:54

Ds's dad fucked off 300 miles away when I got pregnant after a 3 year cohabiting relationship. Nobody in his family know about my son. He said he was not interested. I sent no scan pictures, gave him no details of appointments. Didn't tell him when I went into labour.

I sent a photo of ds the day after he was born along with the date, time, weight etc. The reply I got was "congratulations, I'd prefer if you didn't send me any photos or updates of him". All this allowed me to focus on my son and in hindsight our lives are a lot better without his dad as it was an abusive relationship. My son unknowingly saved my life, that I am 100% sure of.

flowers for you. You can do this. If people are telling you about him and you don't want to know then tell them. If they continue cut them out as they aren't interested in your or your baby's wellbeing. Make arrangements for yourself and the baby as if his father will not be in the picture. If he wants to be consistently involved in bringing up his child then that's great. If not at least you will be prepared. Try and get a good support network around you.

Pugsymalone Mon 28-Nov-16 13:34:16

In work so will reply to all messages after but im 4 months due 25th may I will be going to ante natal classes , I am super excited and ive tried to just accept that he most likely won't be involved as much as it hurts , and yes he told me that he wouldn't move on while i was pregnant so as much as I want to just be civil it still hurts to hear of him with other girls , thank you for all the support

specialsubject Mon 28-Nov-16 13:37:00

He won't be involved and is clearly off shagging others already. Go after him for financial support but otherwise forget him.

No reason the other girls cant get to hear what a prince he is though...

Trills Mon 28-Nov-16 14:01:59

Trifle I was not advising Pugsy to terminate, just reminding her of her options (or what could have been options, from the information in the OP).

Pugsy glad to hear you are excited. For now all you can do is focus on the things that you can control. You can't control his behaviour but you can try to minimise how much his behaviour can hurt you. If it upsets you to hear about him can you tell your friends that you don't want to hear it? If they are good friends they should be there to support you, and not run around telling stories.

Trifleorbust Mon 28-Nov-16 14:37:35

Didn't sound that way to me, Trills. There is nothing in the OP in any case that would lead you to believe the OP doesn't want to be pregnant, so I think your 'reminder' was inappropriate. Sorry.

Atenco Mon 28-Nov-16 14:44:32

Make it clear to your friends that you do not want to hear about his shenanigans, Pugsymalone, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

MatildaTheCat Mon 28-Nov-16 15:04:06

Don't contact him anymore at all. Don't invite him to scans and most definitely do not let him be present at the birth unless you are back together and have been for a long time. He deserves nothing from you.

Rely on your real support network. Your family and friends. You will make lots of new friends through pregnancy and having a baby. People who are interested in the same stuff as you, not going out shagging and drinking.

I can almost definitely predict he will appear at some point and demand his rights but you have all the cards and should hold them tight. He's treated you and your child so badly he deserves nothing but contempt. If you still see him on social media please block him and ask friends to stop telling you things.

I was a midwife for young parents for a very long time. I know what I'm talking about. Good luck,myou will be fine and better without him now he's revealed his true colours.

AlabasterSnowball Mon 28-Nov-16 19:11:47

Pugsy First of all congratulations on your pregnancy.
My mother's story is almost identical to yours. My father has never been invoilved in my life, he's not even on my birth certificate.
I'm not gonna lie sometimes life was difficult but we have a wonderful relationship and have always been very close.
Matilda speaks a lot of sense, it must be so hard, you are young and he's been a large part of you life. I don't think he will step up and I don't think persuing the matter will help you. But you can be a great mum trust in yourself and those who truly have your best interests at heart.

AliceC92 Mon 28-Nov-16 19:32:10

Pugsy. I was in a similar situation to you 5 years ago. I had been with my boyfriend since I was 15, he was 16. I fell pregnant at 19. He told me straight he did not want the baby but if I wanted it he would support me. He was too immature to be a father. He did stick by me, but all his friends were at uni out getting drunk and he was stuck in with me and baby. He went away occasionally to see his friends at the halls of residence, ended up kissing another girl and texting/ringing her behind my back for a week. We were 19 and our son was 4 months old. He just wasn't ready to settle down. I forgave him, fast forward 2 years (we were then 21), he did it again, had his head turned and thought the grass was greener, left me and our son claiming he "didn't love me anymore" (the classic male line they say when they're having an affair or like someone else). He left me n my son for 3 weeks, I soon found out it was someone else by snooping. He did all this to me a month after we bough a house together. He came crawling back and I agreed to give it one last shot. Fast forward 3 years (we are now 24), he proposed to me, yet deep down I wasn't really happy, so I ended up having an emotional affair, he found out, agreed to forgive me, then 3 months later, he ended up having an emotional affair with a work colleague and left me again. This time he was gone for 8 weeks then eventually came crawling back. He is my only ever relationship and vice Versa. So yeah, my honest advice, your to young, especially him. It takes men a long time to grow up (and some never do!). So leave him alone (although you won't), move on and find someone who will treat you with respect.

Pugsymalone Mon 28-Nov-16 19:34:52

Thank you for all the replies
Sadly it's not my friends who are telling me these things it's HIS OWN MUM! She texts me "just to let me know" why on earth she knows too is beyond me , although I don't want to blame her I feel as though she is the cause of all this as she has always been quite controlling of him even when we were together.
When I did find out I was pregnant the option was to go to England to get an abortion or he wasn't staying with me, I obviously refused and he pretended that he'd gotten over it but clearly not as the day he told his parents I was pregnant was the day he text me and told me it was over so something they said to him must have influenced him

I don't want to be petty but I cannot justify being treated like this when pregnant and then expected to hand my baby over to them when he or she has arrived, ive already told them this but I suspect they will try there best to ️only be involved when ️babys here , I really do not want this situation to be messy

AliceC92 Mon 28-Nov-16 19:35:33

Forgot to add, my son is now 4 and a half and adores his dad, but because me and dad have no life experience (as in relationships with other people) I don't know if we will always go through the cycle of having emotional affairs. I'd like to say no, but chances are we probably will.

travailtotravel Mon 28-Nov-16 19:59:48

Honestly? Block his mum. Block him. Build a strong supportive network for you and your baby. If you don't give either of them the information they can't hurt you with it.

If and when your ex wakes up and want to do the right thing then you can build contact in the way you want and that is appropriate at the time.

OhhBetty Mon 28-Nov-16 20:49:16

Agree with pp block his mum, she's being a bitch and obviously getting pleasure from hurting you which is really fucked up.

I wouldn’t contaconta your ex about anything. I'd just send a photo and message after the baby has arrived.

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