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My life is a mess...

(13 Posts)
Jessmore1989 Mon 28-Nov-16 09:02:22

I know from what I will say I will most likely get alot of abuse and to be honest I deserve it. I just need to get it all out in the hope it helps me release what a mess I've made my life. I'm married 3 years and have twin boys 18 months. Having the boys was the best thing that happened to me but at the same time I'm not going to lie its been a struggle, my husband runs his own business so he's working alot.... Out at 5am home at 7-8pm. Many times I've felt like a single mum and alone. Don't get me wrong if I really needed him home he would come and work from home.
I guess him working so much made me feel lonely. Before the boys came along me and a colleague who is also married got rather flirtie, nothing in it just abit of banter and this was the attention I craved... I loved it but I really should have been the red flags. We kissed several times we got very close and messaged each other on a daily bases. We did eventually put a stop to it so we could work on our life's at home and a few months later I became pregnant. (yes not the best planning but things don't always happen by the book) Things at home got better, the hubby came home earlier, we went out. Maybe I shouldn't have but I kept in touch with the colleague I kissed because we got on so well. While on maternity we chatted like friends he even came and met the boys it was just like we were good friends... I went back to work after a year off. It was hard but the money I was on was silly not it, and I was exhausted at home keeping the boys busy all the time. The hubby's work pattern got worse I felt like a single mother again doing everything , and I'm not Blaming him for working hard for me to get the wondering eye but one night out with work I kissed this same colleague again, all these feeling came back, he even said he loved me. We have heated texts and it's gotten out of control. I feel like I'm addicted to his attention, I need to feel wanted, once I was a strong minded independent women now I feel my life crumbling and the I know thing keeping me up are my beautiful boys. I really do ove my husband and I want it to work. I know I need to stop with my colleague we are playing with fire!!! Last week what made this worse I had a different colleague from a different department Confress his feelings for me.... He kissed me but I stopped that... I was so drunk but I blame myself for the position I put us in. I asked him back for a drink In my head this was being friendly... But he took this another way. Not that I can blame the drink. My actions are my choice but I'm just heading down a road i don't want to.
I'm a mess, my life is a mess and I'm messing with other life's /families.
Could I leave my job? I've been there 10 years and I do love my job... I just need someone to put my head straight. I feel so ill from all this worry.
I've told no one not even my best friends because I cannot bare to see there disappointed faces.... Me.. Who in there eyes has the perfect life and perfect family.

Arghhhh 0 confused

Cricrichan Mon 28-Nov-16 09:10:16

Nobody has the perfect life and it's understandable that you crave some attention bevayse all you do all the time is work and look after the kids.

You need to stop messaging this other guy and concentrate on making things work with your husband. If things don't work out with your husband then leave before you start something with another man.

Organise stuff with your husband, a weekend away, take up a sport together, organise some cosy nights in , socialise together etc.

Afrovenator Mon 28-Nov-16 09:11:22

If you want to work on your marriage then I can't see how you can continue working where you are.

clumsyduck Mon 28-Nov-16 09:17:05

The grass isn't always greener . I speak from experience

Sometimes the most simple answer is the right one . You don't need to over think this you want things to work with your husband so tell om that is your intention and that you both need to stop the texting and flirting . Tell you dp you aren't happy and somethings need to change

AnyFucker Mon 28-Nov-16 09:17:18

Who is looking after the kids while you drunkenly cheat on your husband ? Him ?

Yuk

SandyY2K Mon 28-Nov-16 09:20:35

I was going to suggest looking for another job TBH.

I think you need to invest more time on your marriage.

Find babysitters and have couple time.

Maintain the emotional connection with your husband, so that no one else can get to you.

I recommend you read the 5 love languages and if you can get your husband to read some of it that would be even better.

You're on a slippery slope and you'll hate yourself if this comes crashing down. If you loose his trust, it never gets back to how it was.

The situation you describe is almost identical to another woman, except she had one son of 18 months. She had a full blown affair and fell in love with the man.
She craved the attention and felt that her husband was enjoying life after the baby and felt resentful.

Her husband found out and he didn't divorce her, but made her end it.

8 years later, he left her because of the affair and she was devastated.

I'll get the story, so you can see how this could end for you.

WordGetsAround Mon 28-Nov-16 09:20:56

I think it's a great time to work out how life can best be managed. It sounds like working is stressful and exhausting and in turn makes you susceptible to flattery and attention. If you want your marriage / family life to work, I think you'll need to leave your job, focus on your relationship with your husband and then think about possible part time work at a different workplace when your life is more settled. Otherwise you are just heading for disaster and you'll have only yourself to blame.

Graceflorrick Mon 28-Nov-16 09:31:45

You're obviously very unhappy. You need to take some time for just you, away from DH, DSs and the other men and decide what would make you happier.

SandyY2K Mon 28-Nov-16 09:33:09

I was 3 yrs married and 1 yr with a newborn son when I met the other man in my new office.

My husband found. He actually found out a month before confronting me.
He gave me two straight choices - end the affair and quit the job or divorce.
I took the previous.

As I got out of the affair, I did everything to recover my marriage and show my husband how remorseful I am and how much I loved him.

And now 8 yrs later he wants to divorce me because of my affair.

The 8 yrs where I poured everything to recover the marriage, made new memories with my husband always trying to make him happy.

There is more. Many things happened in between those 8 years in which I understood how I have changed my husband and how he will not look at me the same way. But I reconciled with this in my mind that this was a new marriage and I should be glad that my husband is giving me a second chance after all I put him through.

And recently when announcing his one sided decision to divorce me he has revealed many things about his thoughts on my affair that he never told me before.

OP - Don't let this be you.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I can send you the full link to it, to gain further insight and see her total regret for the affair.

Jessmore1989 Mon 28-Nov-16 09:34:20

Thanks, yes the job is the main thing on my mind. What keeps me there is I've made such great friends but for the sake of my married it would be worth it.
I'm luck I don't have to deal with said people at all, I may see them him in the morning and that's it. I keep my distance I can go weeks without seeing him.

I don't go out much at all, maybe once ever few months I don't have the money to.

I try to arrange weekends away, night off, date nights by the hubby works so much he doesn't have much time. He's a workaholic. I guess that's something I really need to talk to him about as I feel this may be why Im having a wondering mind. I'm bored. Not that it's still right.
I know I'm a bad person, I know I'm doing wrong, I hate myself right now. If I had more time to think about the mess I've got myself into I really would be depressed.

Onwards and upwards I need to think. The past is done, now to work on my future.

clumsyduck Mon 28-Nov-16 09:58:36

Well I wouldn't rush to change jobs unless something comes up that would seem an attractive move regardless

You could move jobs and walk into the same problem with someone new if you don't change things at home

Cricrichan Mon 28-Nov-16 10:01:58

Agree with clumsyduck. It's not about the man (as you also kissed another man) but about you and your husband. You're craving male attention so unless you find a job where there are no men, you'd be in the same boat.

SandyY2K Mon 28-Nov-16 10:10:35

Marriages need looking after and all that working of your husband is having an impact.

I know you need to put a lot in as a self employed person, but you need to discuss diarising time and keeping some protected time for you as a couple.

Each month at least, let him know a day or evening that he can't work because it's 'us time'.

If people's needs aren't being met, that's where problems and other people creep in.

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