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40something men - what happens to them??!!

(199 Posts)
lorna111 Sun 27-Nov-16 10:11:16

Just this, really! I'm coming at this from the angle of online dating to be fair, but I've been doing OLD for about a year now, on and off, and I have to say the whole experience has been utterly depressing. In my age group (45) the choice is dismal, a reduced pool anyway to start with I suppose, but I live in a reasonably big city, so you'd think there'd be a few options! Usual stuff, I get chased by the 60 year olds with grown up kids (I have a 5 year old so would prefer to meet younger!) or the 55year olds who've never been married or had kids (not for me), but absolutely no decent mid forties men. The ones I've come across are either married 😦 including a colleague at work who was basically up for an affair (I turned him down and now it's all v awkward), or flakey or just odd, or just tediously dull. I don't know, I know quite a few single mums and childfree women in their forties and i think we're all pretty cool really, decent jobs, nice, make an effort with appearance etc. So why is it so bloody difficult to meet an equivalent male?? I am feeling seriously jaded.

Not sure what I'm asking really but need to rationalise the lack of options rather than thinking it's down to me! Why so few?! Am thinking things might improve at 50, as long as I go for a 70 yr old!

PinkiePiesCupcakes Sun 27-Nov-16 10:18:38

so you want a 45 year old, that's not too dull, or too odd, that has young kids, decent jobs, make an effort with their appearance, that have been married and that are nice?

maybe because anyone fitting that description is likely to be in rare supply and taken.

TheStoic Sun 27-Nov-16 10:20:29

They're dating 30something women. Age, not quantity.

Unrequitedlove Sun 27-Nov-16 10:21:11

Lorna. I really go get what you mean.
Can you take up a hobby to try to meet man naturally. I sometimes think OLD is an awful lot of effort.
I have to say though, I am chatting to someone I met by chance OLD and he seems a really good fit! So maybe there is hope? (Or I might find he's married)
I really don't know what the answer is, other than continue with your own life, take opportunities when they arise etc

ZoFloMoFo Sun 27-Nov-16 10:22:59

The few single mid 40's that I know are dating 25-34 year olds. They probably wouldn't consider someone their own age.

SenseiWoo Sun 27-Nov-16 10:23:47

Women are conditioned from birth to make an effort, and not just with appearance. Men are allowed from birth to make no effort and resist compromise or emotional engagement as much as they like. With the results that you've seen on O.L.D.

PacificDogwod Sun 27-Nov-16 10:23:53

This is why I am joining a convent should I find myself on my own in the future.
I am not even catholic, but whenever I read anything about OLD on here, I feel that my own company is much better that what you are describing.

Or I'll start a female only commune grin

CocoaX Sun 27-Nov-16 10:24:30

Decent 45 year old men with young kids will still be with their wives trying to work out what differences they may have. Separated ones will be chasing younger childless women who will fall for the stories about how badly done by they are by xW?

user1479305498 Sun 27-Nov-16 10:27:21

Ha, Im thinking of separation and thats my issue, I have one of the good looking, likes animals, fittish, decent job , well dressed type blokes, the fact that he is a pain in the arse on getting over involved emotionally with others too is the issue. So I do realise if I split I am likley to be thinking "single" for a good time, if not always , as the average 55 year old guy you see out there doesnt do much for me in any department.

IfNotNowThenWhenever Sun 27-Nov-16 10:27:52

A friend of mine (40) had a date recently with a 42 yr old man who kept telling her he never normally dates women " as old as her"..
Yeah it's depressing.
I wouldn't rule out men who have no kids and haven't been married tho. You can get to 45 having never met the right person.
Personally, I always dated slightly younger men. I'm 40 and have never yet gone out with a 40 something man! Hope dp doesn't go funny next year..shock

PacificDogwod Sun 27-Nov-16 10:28:52

Sensei has got it.

FrowningGlory Sun 27-Nov-16 10:29:07

I'm 29 and DP is 47 and we met on online dating. All the men in their 20s that I met seemed to be complete tools and absolutely terrified of commitment outside of casual sex. OLD in your 20s in v.odd. whereas my Mum's generation used to date boys, start falling for them and agonise with their girlfriends over whether they should have sex, now the protocol seems to be casual sex from the word go....then we all sit around agonising over whether its too soon to tell the guy we like him!!

The men in their late 30s and 40s I dated were actually respectful and interesting. DP is wonderful and have changed my life.

TheStoic Sun 27-Nov-16 10:31:47

I found a brilliant 45ish yo man. Clever, handsome, fit, generous, great job, funny, adventurous, great in bed, emotionally available.

I realise that could either be really annoying, or give you hope. grin

IfNotNowThenWhenever Sun 27-Nov-16 10:36:39

Go Stoic! <pom poms>

tiej Sun 27-Nov-16 10:37:26

Frowning Would your partner have been interested in women his own age?

Giselaw Sun 27-Nov-16 10:38:13

You need to wait a few years, until some of those 20-30ish women want to settle down and start a family and realise their 40something year old boyfriend has no interest changing nappies and running around after a toddler as he hits 50. It's then they part ways, and the guy starts looking around for someone age appropriate. Or takes the other path and keeps trying with the 20somethings, looking more pathetic with each passing year.

FrowningGlory Sun 27-Nov-16 10:43:13

teij i doubt it to be honest. He said that all the women he dated last year that were mid-30s to mid-40s all wanted to settle down and have kids (one brought it up on first date!). I don't (and probably can't) want DC and nor does he.

nulgirl Sun 27-Nov-16 10:46:34

Not all 40 year olds are interested in 25 year olds. I started OLD a few months ago and had 2 dates with really smart, funny, interesting guys the same age as me but I didn't get the chemistry thing. The 3rd guy who is a couple of months younger seems to be a keeper and we're currently head over heels in early relationship heaven.

They all said that they were interested in me in part because of my age as they didn't want someone younger who they'd have less in common with and who might be looking for a sugar daddy.

Which sites are you trying? Some might have a different target market to others.

SteppingOnToes Sun 27-Nov-16 10:51:52

I'm 38 and child free and limited myself with OLD by looking for men who have never been married or had children - you can guess how limited that pool is! Plenty contacting me saying "I have kids but don't worry I don't see them" thinking that was attractive, not realising I was trying to eliminate all the wankers who had form for walking out on their families.

My partner actually messaged me and explained that he had two children DD10 and DS5 and is very much involved in their lives - he understood where I was coming from without me even having to explain. He's pretty wonderful in every way and we are moving in together shortly.

His ex who he was with for 12 years is 10 years older than him - don't eliminate younger guys straight off. Some of them are decent human beings smile

One thing I have noticed is that all of my exes that were nice people were from families where there parents are still together. I wonder whether seeing their father treat their mum properly on a day to day basis rubs off. Partner's DS5 opened the car door for me yesterday - I nearly cried!

expatinscotland Sun 27-Nov-16 10:52:46

Gawd, Pacific, if I find myself single again the last thing I'd want to do is date.

OP, I have 60-year-old chasing me and I'm 45 and married. WTAF? Ewww.

TiggyD Sun 27-Nov-16 10:53:24

Why would a good one be single in their 40s?

I'm a single 42 year old man and I spend far too much time on Mumsnet, so that's me out.

AskBasil Sun 27-Nov-16 10:54:14

Another vote for Sensai's diagnosis

ocelot7 Sun 27-Nov-16 10:56:27

I had the same problem OLD in my 50s. And met all those characters you describe...
I too wanted to find someone my own age with shared cultural experiences & though annoying re men looking for women 20years younger realised I wouldn't have anything in common with those men anyway. I did eventually find a lovely man my age. So I guess you need patience & lots of it smile

VoyageOfDad Sun 27-Nov-16 10:56:31

I think at least partly men go out with younger women because a fair amount of younger women want to go out with older men.

When I dipped a toe into OLD I noticed women's desired age ranges for a dp went around 10 years above their own.

I doubt that's reflected in male desired age ranges.

I think you're also fighting subliminal societal and evolutionary structures.

Older men, more established financially going for younger women who are theoretically more fertile.

Also some older men with grown up kids end up starting family number two with much younger women.

Or they feel they're actually quite happy being single !

Overthinker2016 Sun 27-Nov-16 10:57:02

Why would rule out

1. Men who are childless/have not been married (the OP)

2 men who have been married / have children (someone else on the thread)

You are making a whole load of assumptions about people by doing so and narrowing your choices even more

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