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I need some virtual hand holding - EA

(17 Posts)
KittyInTheMiddle Sat 26-Nov-16 00:07:19

DH told me today that he had realised that a friendship was starting to cross the line into EA territory. I'm heartbroken and torn between feeling so glad that he has told me so early on and feeling like everything I knew has been shaken.

I don't want to talk to friends or family about it because I can't bear the thought of them pitying me, discussing our marriage with others or judging DH.

I tried to go to sleep but that's not likely. Anyone out there to keep me company?

KittyInTheMiddle Fri 09-Dec-16 22:45:26

Seriously belated bump. I thought we were moving on and working on things. He doesn't seem to feel the same. sad

thestamp Sat 10-Dec-16 00:25:46

What's been going on op. I am around if you want to chat. Have you all been talking it through? And his tunes changing? Or have you found out they have been in contact etc after the revelation?

Cricrichan Sat 10-Dec-16 00:29:56

I'm sorry to hear that op xx

KittyInTheMiddle Sat 10-Dec-16 06:09:23

We had agreed that he would back off from her and cut contact as much as possible given that they work together. Yesterday was the work Christmas party, which we had discussed and agreed he should go to, but drive home rather than staying out.

He came home saying he was "confused" about his feelings. He admitted they had been talking to each other during the meal and that he had checked on her a couple of times afterwards because she was very drunk.

After a long evening discussing our relationship he says he doesn't know whether he wants to stay or go. He thinks he'd like to see other people. My worlds is crashing down around me and I've had almost no sleep.

hesterton Sat 10-Dec-16 06:21:14

That sounds agony.

What would be best for you to happen now given the circumstances?

Can he go and stay with a parent or sibling for a bit? Would space help?

StairsInTheNight Sat 10-Dec-16 06:23:24

Oh kitty, you poor thing. This is awful. Did you have reason to wonder before you found out, did things seem ok with you both before this?

KittyInTheMiddle Sat 10-Dec-16 06:29:26

I'm not sure whether space is the answer or more talking. We have a baby and a toddler so there's only so much talking we can do when they're awake.

I knew things weren't great, the kids have taken their toll, but I felt like we were going to get back to something good as we got more time to spend focusing on our relationship.

saffronwblue Sat 10-Dec-16 06:46:41

I don't know what to suggest. You have a baby and a toddler and he thinks he would 'like to see other people'. What did he think having a family was about?
Try to wrest some control- think about what you want, what you need to make you happy in your marriage. It can't all be about his needs and feelings.

KittyInTheMiddle Sat 10-Dec-16 07:07:00

It is difficult for me to dictate anything. I can be controlling sometimes and part of our problems is me making decisions without him and just going ahead with what I want. I need to get the balance right. I just can't get past the fact he thinks it would be ok for us to see other people for a while. Am I supposed to wait while he decides whether or not the grass is greener?

winkywinkola Sat 10-Dec-16 07:16:32

No. You definitely don't wait.

You ask him to leave.

He needs to get the reality of what he's doing.

You need to maintain your dignity.

He's being awful to you and the dcs by hanging around.

Tootsiepops Sat 10-Dec-16 07:23:14

Sometimes I read threads and think I must be weird. If my husband said he thought he'd like to see other people, I'd immediately show him the door. I can't be arsed with any of this emotional angst.

OP - it's one thing to say to your partner that you need space and to suggest a period of separation to gain some perspective / clarity.

But, it's quite another to say he'd like to see other people. That's really twisting an emotional knife.

What he's actually saying is 'I want time apart, and don't be surprised when I start seeing the woman from my office'

I'd tell him to leave until he can get his shit together.

KittyInTheMiddle Sat 10-Dec-16 07:31:48

I usually think the same tootsie. I'm just so suddenly unsure of myself. I'm on maternity leave and recently found out I'm likely to be made redundant soon. I just feel like everything I thought I knew has changed and I feel worthless.

What if he does leave and realise he's made a mistake? How does anyone move on from that?

Mybeautifullife1 Sat 10-Dec-16 07:32:43

So sorry for you. I too think you need to get some control.

Perhaps he needs to be aware that if he/you start seeing other people there is no going back. That's it. Relationships are hard and they need work. The new relationship will in time not be new and exciting but mundane and need working on too. He needs to grow up. Don't let him think you will allow him to dabble elsewhere and come back to you.

Nicknameofawesome Sat 10-Dec-16 07:39:50

Such an asshole thing to do. It sounds to me like he has grass is greener syndrome as well. You have a toddler already so he should know the baby phase is a grind at first. I can't offer advice as tbh I think I would just flounder and panic as well. Don't be afraid to seek rl support. You aren't the first person whose husband decided to act like a twat. I hope he gets his act together soon.

AnyFucker Sat 10-Dec-16 10:19:21

He has told you what he is going to do...he is going to shag other women

Are you going to let him stay in the house and do it right under your nose ? Because unless you draw a line right there and make him leave, he will take it as tacit agreement.

Mollymaywell Sat 10-Dec-16 10:54:07

Sending hugs. Please be aware that you will probably only know the half of it. He will minimise to keep his options open. Do not trust him to keep his distance at work. He may say he is but it's unlikely to be true. As hard as it is, you should tell someone you trust and ask him to leave while YOU decide what you want to do. This may shock him into realising what he stands to lose. With a bit of space, you may decide you can't ever trust him or forgive his appalling behaviour.

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