Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dilemma

(15 Posts)
CherryBlossomPink Fri 25-Nov-16 18:31:28

My husband and I seperated earlier this year (July) after months of things not being great between us and not spending time together for various reasons. Initially there was a lot of anger and blame on both sides, but as things have calmed down and reality has set in, this has been replaced with sadness and regret that we didn't try harder to sort things out. We both have a history of depression, and counselling over the last few months have helped me to realise from my point of view how bad I had let things get before taking steps to seperate.
I still love my husband, but realise that if we were to have any chance of reconciliation, lots of changes would need to be made from both of us, this is something I would be willing to try , but I'm not sure if he feels the same.
This weekend is our anniversary and I am considering sending him a card with a letter inside telling him how I feel and asking if he has any regrets and before we make the final steps towards divorce if he feels it is worth having one final chance to work things out. I'm fully prepared for him to say he doesn't want to try, but I feel I need to know I have tried in order to move on without constantly wondering "what if.."
Is it really inappropriate to do this on what would have been our anniversary?
My emotions are all over the place this week and really can't decide whether to send it or not - any advice?

user1475501383 Fri 25-Nov-16 18:39:05

I had this kind of situation happen. After some months of separation I started to regret not having tried hard enough with XH. We sort of gave it another go for a bit, or at least lived together and talked of whether we could give things a go. It wasn't to work out, but I feel better for having tried. You need to follow your heart. It is not easy to walk away from someone you have loved for a long time and have a history with, and 100 times more so if DCs are involved. I will never regret having given it that one last go; my conscience was getting unbearable to live with. The failure of it gave me clarity and I felt emotionally able to finally wipe the slate clean and got together after a good friend sometime after, we live together now and it's a much better dynamic with ExH.

I feel I need to know I have tried in order to move on without constantly wondering "what if.." This is how I felt, and I am glad I tried, even when it failed. Sometimes when you sincerely try your best, it's not a failure even when it 'fails'.

user1475501383 Fri 25-Nov-16 18:40:10

* a much better dynamic than with ExH, I meant to say. Sadly the dynamic with ExH is worse since DP on the scene, but can't have it all I suppose...

category12 Fri 25-Nov-16 18:40:56

Yes, if this is really what you want, I think an anniversary letter is pretty appropriate.

What exactly would have to change for your marriage to work, tho? Some things are personality traits, some things are more malleable - but it's very hard to change habits and behaviour patterns permanently. Doable but hard and needs both of you on board and possibly with counselling ongoing - would he be willing to do that work with you?

CherryBlossomPink Fri 25-Nov-16 18:53:49

I don't know where his head is at, but the main cause of breakdown was financial pressures due to his job loss, then him taking a lower paid job due to depression and being unable to deal with the stress. The financial pressures have largely gone as the house is on the market, and I think we both just forgot to live each other and retreated into our own little worlds as we each dealt with the stresses differently.
I need to feel he lives and respects me, and to feel appreciated, but looking back with honesty, I was as guilty as he was. We had 9 happy years together before finances started to be an issue, so I do think it is fixable.
I think I will send him the letter, and I will then at least know I have tried - if he doesn't feel the same, then at least I know!
Thanks for the advice - just wanted reassurance that an anniversary wasn't a hideously inappropriate time to send it!

Myusernameismyusername Fri 25-Nov-16 18:55:57

Tell him. I agree. Life is short to have these regrets.

Good luck flowers

birdladyfromhomealone Fri 25-Nov-16 20:00:13

Good luck OP XX

JontyDoggle37 Fri 25-Nov-16 20:06:10

Good luck OP - it's always worth remembering why you love each other. flowers

seatofmypants17 Sat 26-Nov-16 19:08:55

I am not sure if it helps you but I left my DH as he was very depressed, had a few MH issues, he was emotionally distant and was useless with our two DC, got angry at mess and when they were playing up he just couldn't handle it.

I decided to leave, I had made my mind up it was over, and it was in the best interests of the DC's, I was in the process of starting divorce proceedings and moved in with my sister and her DC until I could find something suitable.

Within 6 months of me leaving, he had undertook various treatments, counselling and got a new job. I had serious doubts about things, especially his depression and MH, but I still loved him and decided I would see how things went, under the clear proviso that I would be off for good if he let things lapse.

Fast forward nearly two years and things are great, maybe better than at anytime before we married. DC's are 5 and 8 and love him to bits.

I cant say it will work out for you, but I was literally at the point of no return and things managed to turn around for us.

I hope you can get him to try again, if you love him and he still loves you, there's no harm in you asking how he feels.

Hope this helps XX

CherryBlossomPink Sat 26-Nov-16 19:45:49

Thanks - it does help. I have decided I'm going to send the card and see what happens - I have no clue how he will respond, so am prepared for him to not want to try, but at least I'll know I did all I could.
I'm also under no illusions about how much work we will have to do if we do try - I don't expect to move back in any time soon, but I think we can take things slowly and see what happens. Fingers crossed!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Sat 26-Nov-16 19:48:41

Good. Whatever happens, you'll know you tried flowers

CherryBlossomPink Sun 27-Nov-16 18:47:22

Well I've done it - card written and left for him to collect when he picks up his mail. I've said that I won't refer to it again, if he doesn't want to try then we'll just deal with the practicalities of selling the house and sorting the divorce, but if he does to let me know.
I actually feel better already - either way at least I can start to move forwards in life smile

TheSnowFairy Sun 27-Nov-16 18:58:36

Good move. Cathartic either way flowers

category12 Sun 27-Nov-16 19:15:25

Well done, at least it's out there. I hope it turns out the way you'd like. flowers

OohhThatsMe Sun 27-Nov-16 19:27:34

Good for you, OP. I really hope you and he talk about this and you're both happy with the outcome.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now