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New partner issues with my kids

(58 Posts)
peebee1981 Fri 25-Nov-16 14:20:21

ive been in a committed relationship for 7 months after leaving my nasty ex wife who I have two kids with(6 and 8). My new partner doesn't have any kids. My new partner is really having issues about my past. She says she is jealous when I see the kids and has openly said she wishes I didn't have them. I've got an access plan so we get lots of time together. The ex has been nasty about my new partner which hasn't helped. The new partner wants marriage, kids etc with me and seems really into me. When my kids are mentioned it gets her down. She has met them a few times and was great. Is this something that will get better in time when she spends more time with them ? Is there something I can do to get her over this?

Msqueen33 Fri 25-Nov-16 14:22:04

Honestly....she needs to accept your kids. I would be hugely worried that she's like this about your children. I know it's harsh to say it but if her attitude doesn't change I'd leave. Your kids need to come first.

BubbleGumBubble Fri 25-Nov-16 14:24:01

Sorry but if she canmot accept your DC now then I doubt she will accept them later down the line and especially if you have a child together.

Maybe she is not right for you as your children needs to be on board and accepting.

OnionKnight Fri 25-Nov-16 14:24:05

You've been with her for 7 months and she's jealous? LTB.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Fri 25-Nov-16 14:24:51

Your children absolutely must come first, if she cannot accept them and remains resentful you'll have to end it. We see so many threads on here where step mothers try to push their partners children out/make the children feel second best to subsequent children and it's just horrible sad

Bluntness100 Fri 25-Nov-16 14:25:29

Ah, I'm sorry but this is a very unpleasant side to her. To be jealous of you seeing your children is abhorrent. And wishing you'd never had them even more so. These are you're children.

No it won't get better, honestly you need to end it, as you will have a life of pain and your children will get hurt in the cross fire, they can't not.

To be jealous of a man seeing his children is just awful and speaks to her character.

ZorbaTheHoarder Fri 25-Nov-16 14:26:16

How could you possibly continue a relationship with someone who openly says she wishes you didn't have your children? It must make you feel pretty horrible to hear those words. Just imagine how your children would feel if they heard and knew that you were willing to still see this woman.

It doesn't matter what her qualities might be - these are your children and they need you to be on their side!

MagicChanges Fri 25-Nov-16 14:27:10

Oh that doesn't sound good at all - it's perfectly natural for step parents to have some negative feelings usually rooted in jealousy and your partner is actually coming out and saying what she feels. In a way this is good but in another way, NO I don't think it's something that will get better in time and there isn't anything you can do to "get her over" this. What age is your partner - she sounds young and immature. Sounds like she's in some sort of competition with you and your kids as she wants you and her to have kids.

You only have to go on the step parent thread to see the difficulties with step parenting. She's even jealous when you talk about the kids - so it'spretty bad but she knew about the kids when you got together but of course wouldn't realise how she'd feel. Maybe I'm being pessimistic but I don't see this working out. Sorry.

Meadows76 Fri 25-Nov-16 14:27:37

I would not be willing to continue a relationship with her. You will have continual problems from someone who cannot accept your children. Do yourself and your kids a favour and end it. You have no future.

Starlight2345 Fri 25-Nov-16 14:32:34

It is time to kick her to the curb...

You come as a package...If you have kids with her.. your kids will be pushed further and further out.

M0stlyHet Fri 25-Nov-16 14:46:01

Another LTB from me, too. Her jealousy of your kids is indicative of a deeply selfish nature where she wants to come first all the time. I realise that being a single parent can be a deeply lonely place (I am one myself) but honestly, this woman is not the answer. I know that will hurt if you've developed strong feelings towards her, but... well, I wouldn't be with someone who felt this way about my DC.

starskey80 Fri 25-Nov-16 14:48:55

God no, I'm sorry but that is very disturbing.
I really think you should end this relationship.
Your children are innocent and the thought of them feeling unwelcome in your home by her makes me feel sick.

BantyCustards Fri 25-Nov-16 14:49:54

The hills are where you need to be running.

peebee1981 Fri 25-Nov-16 14:55:18

Hey all

Thanks for your replies. It's odd. She talks about making sure the kids are welcome, has bought them gifts and really tries with them but then I get told 'I wish it was just you and me etc...' I do really love her.

tipsytrifle Fri 25-Nov-16 15:02:05

7mths is barely starting out on a relationship and already there are some worrying red flags here. I don't think I could enjoy a relationship with someone so new and so resentful of the beloveds in my life. I think it's way too early to use the commitment word with regard to your gf. Way too early to be considering a new marriage and family too. Slow down a bit. A lot. Sounds like Time is still needed for events to settle down emotionally too - for you, xw and the dc.

If dc are not acceptable to gf now they aren't likely to be later. That she can fake it enough to make it seem ok when she meets them is as worrying as everything else. Don't be fooled. This is a deceit because she's already told you her real feelings and intentions. Personally, I'd end such a relationship before any lasting harm is created.

MsGameandWatch Fri 25-Nov-16 15:03:30

Any bloke that said that about my kids would be out the door with my boot up his arse.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 25-Nov-16 15:05:11

Oh no.
She sounds horrible.
You come as a package and she is clearly having issues with this.
Imagine if you have your own kids with her.
I can just see the emotional blackmail now.
Don't do it.
Run far and run fast and find someone who loves you all as a package.
This will get worse, a lot worse and certainly not better!!!
Don't inflict this woman onto your kids.
7 months is nothing so back away now.

Gazelda Fri 25-Nov-16 15:06:51

You may really love her. But can you see a future with someone who resents your DC, would in all probability put her (and your) future children first, and expect you to do the same?

Having said that, I guess it would be quite normal to wish that her first DC were your first DC too, but that's not the reality here. It sounds as though she is trying, and she is being welcoming, so maybe plan some time all together to see how they get along?

and maybe try to tone down the way you speak about your ex? I understand you may have cause to feel so strongly, but your new GF possibly sees your DC as included in that part of your life which you refer to negatively? I haven't explained that very well, but what I mean is that you refer to your life before her in a negative way which may subliminally make her negative about your past too. (#deep)

Lottapianos Fri 25-Nov-16 15:09:25

I don't think this relationship will work out OP, you both have different expectations. I would not dream of getting involved with someone who had children because I just know it would not work for me. This woman however knows that you have children and seems to be trying to make you feel guilty for spending time with them. That's a huge no-no. You're a parent and your children are part of your life - she doesn't get to tell you that she wished they didn't exist, that's just not up for discussion. And no, I can't think why this would get any better over time, and you don't need the heartache involved in hoping that it will magically all turn out ok in the end

User1528372638 Fri 25-Nov-16 15:36:50

You need to bring this relationship to an end. Let's face it you are still in the lust stage anyway at the minute so if it's like this now it will only get worse. Do not put a partner of 7 months before your children

Scarydinosaurs Fri 25-Nov-16 15:38:55

How can you bring yourself to spend time with a woman who openly says she wishes your children didn't exist?

Touchmybum Fri 25-Nov-16 15:40:26

Surely you love your kids more?

Bluntness100 Fri 25-Nov-16 15:46:38

How can you love a woman that is jealous of your children? And wishes you'd never had them. I don't think uou really love her, I think you're in love with her and that's very different. I suspect as you get to know the real her which she is starting to show you, then that in love feeling will not evolve to real love.

In the early stages of a relationship, which this is, I think it's easy to play pretend to try to make someone happy, but it sounds like she's showing uou her true colors as time goes on.

ElspethFlashman Fri 25-Nov-16 15:47:25

It's not odd. 7 months is still in the honeymoon stage so shes making a big effort with them.

But it sticks in her craw. Underneath she wishes they didn't exist. She does not share.

You say when your kids are mentioned it gets her down. She's training you already to try not to mention them. It will soon progress to walking on eggshells with her.

There are a lot of women in the world. The very worst type for a Dad to commit to is the type who hates the thought of his children.

Your ex may not be your favourite person to say the least, but she is clearly picking up on something correct. Your girlfriend is a mums worst nightmare - a new woman who is capable and willing of getting between you and the kids.

HotNatured Fri 25-Nov-16 15:49:00

Eugh dump. I don't have kids (happily childfree) but have dated and am dating guys with kids. Ideally I guess I would prefer to date guys who are childfree like me but if I like the guy then his kids are part of the package and they come first.

I've never felt jealous or resentful of my partner's daughter. She is lovely and we get on great. That's a lot to do with the fact that I have made an effort and am sensitive to her needs and feelings. Surely any kind decent woman would be the same.

The fact that your partner is presenting with these negative character traits is a huge red flag and actually deeply unattractive. I'm quite surprised you haven't said to her if she doesn't like the fact that you have kids she knows where the door is. In fact I have shown her the door the minute she uttered the words 'jealous' hmm

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