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Should I tell my DH about masturbation/ porn?

(16 Posts)
Calicocurtains Fri 25-Nov-16 06:07:27

Hi name changed due to blush

When me and DH first got together, he and I were very open about the fact that we masturbate/ look at (albeit rather inoffensive romantic) porn from time to time.

It was quite liberating being honest about this but as we got further into our relationship I lost interest in porn and generally masturbation for a long while.

I had a vibrator and was open about this too. He was fine about it.

Fast forward five years and I still have said vibrator in bedside drawer which he knows but I feel inclined to keep it from him when I've watched porn/ masturbated, is it my right to have SOME privacy on this matter?

I enjoy sex with him and have literally never had such a satisfying sex life with anyone but am pregnant at the moment and find the act of sex uncomfortable/ awkward with this big old bump on my front so am taking to watching the odd massage video and masturbating quite regularly.

I sort of feel (a little bit) guilty that he doesn't know about this aspect of my life at the moment and it feels dishonest deleting my search history when we used to have a 'no shame' policy about such things.

I suppose part of me feels a bit embarrassed because fantasy/ reality are two things I would like to keep completely separate, the videos I watch are always just a massage that ends with the woman coming through clitoral stimulation- simple as that. as soon as I've orgasmed I become completely disinterested in the video and just get on with my day, I feel that if I tell my DH he will worry that it's to do with some kind of inadequacy in him but it's nothing to do with him.

I don't know if he masturbates/watches porn but if he did I wouldn't mind one bit, it's just weird that we don't talk about it anymore but I suppose what Im trying to say/ask is: is there room in a rl for a little privacy on this matter or should we know Everything about each other?

Thanks for reading I know it's a long post.

DoubleCarrick Fri 25-Nov-16 06:43:41

It's an interesting question as it's often one asked on MN in reverse.

I personally don't share my masturbation habits with dh and he doesn't with me.

Calicocurtains Fri 25-Nov-16 08:08:49

Thanks smile

Joysmum Fri 25-Nov-16 08:32:33

I think it's an issue because you feel the need to hide it and feel dishonest.

I can understand how sex is uncomfortable and awkward, question is, have you confided in your DH about so he at least knows how you feel and can adapt to do something else or is the porn a substitute.

I know there's a strong core of anti porn mumsnetters but I'm not one of them PROVIDED (amongst other things) the couple is honest and open and it doesn't replace emotional and physical intimacy.

Bitofacow Fri 25-Nov-16 08:50:30

If your DP was doing the same would you be OK? Genuine question.

I might mention masturbating as a joke and see what his reaction is.

Everyone has the right to some privacy, but this needs to be balanced against honesty in a relationship.

BartholinsSister Fri 25-Nov-16 09:06:00

It's your body, fiddle with it all you want. No need to tell him, nor feel guilt or shame.

gamerchick Fri 25-Nov-16 09:11:00

I really have the opinion you're overthinking things here. Its your body, its your nice spot and nothing you need to share if you don't want to.

Neither of you need to tell the other when you've sorted yourself out.

wherearemymarbles Fri 25-Nov-16 09:28:20

Why dont you watch together with him doing the massage. ?

But certainly we are open that we do it but my wife has always viewed it as a private thing and generally, unless a bit tipsy its not something she is comfortable talking about.

She is not really fussed about toys and the only thing that would bother me if she started wearing out her vibrator rather than have sex with me (in common with pretty much anyone really)

Branleuse Fri 25-Nov-16 09:41:24

i think if youre always doing it in preference to sex and never feel like intimacy with your partner, id keep an eye on that, but in general how often you masturbate is your own business

Oysterbabe Fri 25-Nov-16 10:14:54

I don't see the problem.
DH and I have never felt the need to share regarding this element of our lives. Being married doesn't mean you aren't allowed any privacy.

PinkiePiesCupcakes Fri 25-Nov-16 10:20:29

Instead of thi king of it as hiding it from him just think of it as not worth !mentioning to him.
I doubt you'd announce every time you went for a poo, but you're not hiding the fact you poo from him, you're just not... Rubbing his face in it so to speak.

Same as masturbating, you're not hiding it, but you don't need to announce it either.

Does that make sense?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 25-Nov-16 10:26:14

I remember this when I was pregnant.
I had a raging sex drive and poor ExDH tried to keep up but couldn't cope.
As long as it's not becoming an addiction and as long as it's not affecting your sex life together then I don't see an issue.

SteppingOnToes Fri 25-Nov-16 10:42:49

Another viewpoint here - me and my partner watch porn together and will masturbate together too. It doesn't even always lead to sex either...

Just tell him that you are finding sex uncomfortable at the mo, but are still wanting climax and you would like to involve him again.

verynicecat Fri 25-Nov-16 17:43:15

tell him no matter what

YetAnotherGuy Fri 25-Nov-16 20:57:20

I see no problem provided that it isn't a long term substitute for the real thing

Calicocurtains Fri 25-Nov-16 21:16:29

Thanks so much for your insight everyone...
Yes- I think it could be dangerous if it began to replace the real thing/ true intimacy between us. I don't think that's what's happening but I'll keep an eye on it.
There's a slight danger that my not feeling so great about my body is stopping me from imagining that he does... It is such a weird thing suddenly being 2 stone heavier! I look forward to getting my body back and truly believing that I'm attractive.
Thank you smile

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