Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm stuck again

(23 Posts)
Aveiam Thu 24-Nov-16 20:08:55

I'm back with him, and he's back to being horrible. Worse than before actually. And I know I shouldn't be back and I know I need to leave him but I just can't work out how. I am scared, I'm frightened for my safety and he doesn't care, I don't think he ever did, I think he needs a punchbag and that's what I've let myself be to him. I don't even know why I'm writing this but I am and I have no one else, no one at all. I am all alone with him.

OohhThatsMe Thu 24-Nov-16 20:16:35

You need to contact Women's Aid, OP.

Where did you stay when you left before?

forumdonkey Thu 24-Nov-16 20:38:04

OP my heart goes out to you and what you've been through but if nothing changes NOTHING CHANGES and you keep going back to him.

I know youre In a dark place but you need to accept proffessional help.

Im worried for you but you need to help yourself and pretend youre strong even if you dont feel it.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 24-Nov-16 20:43:50

What are your circs? Do you have DC? Are SS involved? Have you used WA to leave before ? Can you go to a friends house?

How many times have you left?

He's being horrible to you because that's who he is. He will always be horrible.

DamePlata Thu 24-Nov-16 20:45:04

My heart goes out to you as well. I left my abusive x and went back to him too. Not because I wanted to, but because he made me feel I owed it to him. Remarkable now, looking back on it.

Nothing you own is worth anything when you're this unhappy. Accept that and walk away from him, go to Women's Aid and have faith that your life will get better.

It sounds scary ''on paper'' to be in a refuge. It feels like ground zero in the eyes of the world. Whereas to be in a shitty relationship is worse but not in a way that is seen by the world.

Your life is not a sacrifice to his convenience
You don't owe it to him to feel his emotions more intensely than your own.
Walk away, drop the rope, stop defending yourself to him.

forumdonkey Thu 24-Nov-16 20:47:11

I hope posters read your previous threads as I feel the background is needed before replying.

CockacidalManiac Thu 24-Nov-16 20:56:09

I know you've had problems getting through to Women's Aid before; have you managed to speak to them at all?

Aveiam Thu 24-Nov-16 22:38:25

I don't know what to do I can't think properly. He's gone to stay at another woman's house I had to give him a lift

forumdonkey Thu 24-Nov-16 22:42:00

Has he left you or is he just going out?

Aveiam Thu 24-Nov-16 22:53:29

He's just out for the night said I'm shit in bed so was going somewhere else and laughed and then made me give him a lift

CockacidalManiac Thu 24-Nov-16 23:00:34

Have you spoken to women's aid?

Aveiam Thu 24-Nov-16 23:09:30

I spoke to them a couple of times yes

CockacidalManiac Thu 24-Nov-16 23:13:32

What did they say?

forumdonkey Thu 24-Nov-16 23:21:19

If he becomes violent will you promise us you'll dial 999 please

forumdonkey Thu 24-Nov-16 23:22:47

Seeing as he's going to be gone all night is there anyone you can escape to before he returns?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 24-Nov-16 23:39:48

Why did you go back to him when you've said yourself that you're scared he'll kill you, Aveiam?

Last time you got away you went to an hotel. Can you pack a bag and go to another hotel tonight?

If not call the Women's Aid national helpline number 0808 2000 247 or go to your nearest police station and ask to talk to a domestic violence worker.

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 24-Nov-16 23:50:11

If you are able to get to a specialist domestic violence organisation, either through police, local council or an independent charity, it will make such a difference.

I am currently accessing such support and they are amazing. They just listen, and don't judge, and have really helped me to begin to unpack the emotions and reality of having been in an abusive relationship. They have also been a gateway to other services.

I got to this support via police referring me to social services and SS referring on to the DV people, who are part of the council. But I know that in my area there is also at least one independent DV charity.

I hope you can find the strength and courage to leave. I believe you can flowers

goddessofsmallthings Fri 25-Nov-16 01:10:59

You've got a job which enables you to find a flat or a room without having to worry about providing an employer's reference. I would hope this also means you may have a colleague, or colleagues, who can give you a modicum of support and encouragement out of working hours even if this in the form of meeting up for a coffee now and again.

You've got a car and you therefore have the means to leave anytime and drive to the nearest police station, or park up outside an all night cafe/sleep in the vehicle until it's time to go to work.

Having these resources gives you a distinct advantage over other victims of dv who are economically dependent on their abusers and don't have the werewithal to leave at a moment's notice.

In addition it seems that, as with tonight, your abuser goes out leaving you with the freedom to post here and/or make contact with Women's Aid or the police.

You've left before, Aveiam. What's stopping you leaving again?

Aveiam Sat 26-Nov-16 00:36:46

I don't know. I just don't know I know I'm pathetic and stupid to stay. I know but I also don't feel like I can do it without him but that's all I want is to be away from him. I never know what he'll do next. I don't know what to say or do and I know that I shouldn't have even started this thread

Aveiam Sat 26-Nov-16 00:52:48

I feel like I'm not going to be ok without him but I don't want to stay here I just want to be normal and not pretending all the time

ICESTAR Sun 27-Nov-16 09:02:16

Aveiam I've heard on here before that it can take some people a few times before they successfully manage to leave and stay gone. I think the problem is he is your "safety net" in a really weird way even though he is dangerous to you. You say you have nobody else therefore no support network. When you leave, you feel alone and frightened and you need someone, anyone to be with you. Does better the devil you know ring true?

I think you need to fully engage with either women's aid or any other more local domestic abuse charity. Tell them you have no support and ask them for help in getting away. Is there anyway you could speak to the police and be assigned a key worker? Your future is there for you my love but inly you can reach and take it. There will be others that can help you but please let them help you fully. You can have a future with your own family and people that deserve you. But first off, you need to.make that step. Remember it is fear holding.you back. Let the services help you manage that fear. Good luck to you!!!

ICESTAR Sun 27-Nov-16 09:02:54

Only*

jeaux90 Sun 27-Nov-16 09:20:07

Aveiam darling, people don't change. I managed to get my abuser into therapy and the therapist told me to run and don't look back. This is what you now need to do. I promise you, you will be so much better. You will find peace. There is nothing positive that he brings to your life, all he gives you is abuse. Please get support from the agencies you need and summon the strength from the bowels of your despair to do this, leave and don't look back.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now