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Absolutely Devastated!

(34 Posts)
Notmyweek Thu 24-Nov-16 18:10:56

So me & my partner split last Thursday, we'd had a rocky relationship for the last 8 months in which time I fell pregnant, well last week as usual we had one of our arguments and stopped talking, I expected we would simply not talk for 2 days & then resume our relationship again as normal! Well this didn't happen as I expected! I became unwell on the Saturday of last week & tried to call him to come help me as I was really struggling but he ignored my calls and voicemails and when I messaged him, he told me he wasn't interested and to stop messaging or he'd block me!
I got angry and blocked him, because I was I upset at his reaction, I then didn't contact him until Monday evening when I became very emotional I turned up at his house and tried to speak about plans for the baby, well he wouldn't even look at me! He started going mental

It's now been 4 days (longest of my entire life) we have not spoke one word to each other, he's out enjoying life whilst I'm stuck in, pregnant and crying over every thing around me!

I literally feel like I'm dying from heartbreak I am so devastated, I actually feel suicidal from being cut out of someone's life so suddenly.....I love him so much and I miss him so desperately but he won't speak to me, he's cut me off! He hates me! And I don't know what I've done wrong! We've fallen out over much bigger things yet always made up.

Do you think he met someone else and was waiting for the right time to break it all off and used the argument as the perfect excuse??

Only 4 days before, we fell out over something stupid and he was ringing me begging me to take him back because he wanted to be there for me and the baby.....how can he change his feelings so quickly for me??

I feel sick to my stomach when I think of him with someone else! I just want him to turn up and hug me......please help me, I don't know what to do!

magoria Thu 24-Nov-16 18:19:34

You really need to stay away.

A relationship which is rocky where people regularly split up, don't talk for 2 days then get back together is going to be shit for a DC.

Imagine never knowing if daddy was there this weekend or when he would be back.

Start making your plans for you and you baby without this mess.

Notmyweek Thu 24-Nov-16 18:26:39

I fully understand what you are saying, is probably say the same but I'm desperately unhappy & lonely without him.....I miss him so terribly & am not coping at all....life is so so difficult right now I just want to be with him, I want him to love me!

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 19:08:07

Omg I know exactly the horror of those feelings although I wasn't exactly in the same position as wasn't pregnant but it's so difficult to control. The worse feeling is when someone stonewalls you ( this is abusive) he's basically saying you don't matter and cuts you off without a discussion or closure. He will calm down and come round. My relationship is like this and like a cycle of really good times but I'll say something or accuse him of something which causes rage and he'll shut me off until he's ready to come back. Abusive people always come back as it's in their nature but could be manipulation to break off and see other people. Maybe he feels trapped and can only deal with it by cutting you off. Sounds as if he's emotionally immature . Reason you feel so terrible is down to the fact he is emotionally abusing you. Remember it's not normal to just shut you out. I have wondered why I'm still with someone that does it. Please don't waste your life xx

NoSunNoMoon Thu 24-Nov-16 19:11:57

Sorry you are so unhappy, OP. But this is not a healthy relationship to bring a child into. Plan for a future with your baby.

Your ex doesn't want to be with you.

BreatheDeep Thu 24-Nov-16 19:13:16

You're relationship sounds awful so I hate to say it but it's probably for the best you have split up. Frequent massive arguments where you don't speak to each other for days are not healthy.

Lelloteddy Thu 24-Nov-16 19:20:07

Your relationship with this man sounds terrible. And not one that a baby should be caught up in. Your child deserves better than this.

baconandeggies Thu 24-Nov-16 19:21:42

simply not talk for 2 days & then resume our relationship again as normal!

That's not a normal, loving, healthy relationship. Please call someone if you're feeling so low and need to chat. Do you have anyone in real life to support you?

This is such a shock, and be mindful that pregnancy makes you more vulnerable to self-harm and depression.

Please take care of yourself. You'll find someone deserving of your love when you can learn to love yourself.

Imagine you had a daughter - what would your advice be to her, if her boyfriend got her pregnant and treated her so badly?

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 19:39:13

I agree take care of yourself and the baby and keep chatting on here as you can feel so low. I think with men like this it's hard to stop loving them as they manipulate you. Anyone that cuts you off like this is not normal . Look up addiction to abusive cycles as I recognise that's why I can't leave and get devastated when he cuts me off and longest he stonewalled me was 2 month. I lost weight and had severe anxiety. Anyone else I say leave but it's so hard as you know this is not love as it's more like an addiction.

jeaux90 Thu 24-Nov-16 19:40:29

OP let me tell you a story. I thought I loved a man but he wasn't very nice to me really, like yours isn't. I got pregnant. It's a lonely place to be on your own I know as we constantly broke up. I begged him to try and make a go of it. He did. The baby was born and I spent the next year trying to remove myself from him as I then realised just how awful it is trying to raise a child around someone like this. (He was a narc and gaslighting is a favoured tactic) I have now been a single mum for 6 years and I love it. He has no contact and that's just fine. Go do this on your own, I can tell you it's way easier than having an abusive asshole in your life xxx

Happybunny19 Thu 24-Nov-16 19:42:31

This relationship sounds toxic. You both need to grow up and start considering how you'll work together to parent the baby you're about to have. If you keep breaking up with someone it's pretty likely someone will bore of the drama eventually. How old are you both?

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila Thu 24-Nov-16 19:48:54

A relationship where you break up and don't speak for two days is not normal or healthy.

Think about what sort of impact this is going to have on your child.

Notmyweek Thu 24-Nov-16 20:05:34

I completely get everything you are all saying, trust me if this was a post from someone else, I'd want to physically shake them, tell them to sort their life out and move on because he's an absolute prick! However like a lot of people, now it's me, I can't seem to take my own advice!
I'm not usually this sappy, I promise! It usually takes me a lot to cry however this pregnancy makes me so emotional I cry all the time!

The longest we've ever not spoken for is 2 days, he was the one who always came back begging me to give us another chance....however he's the one who's left and he's the one who won't talk to me!
We only spoke on Monday but that was him shouting at me to leave his home, he then went to the pub with his mate and acted like nothing happened!

To think he's enjoying his life and not missing me is literally killing me!

As I have a lot of pride (well I did, before I told you how much I love this asshole) I can't bring myself to go to his house and beg for him back Because i know how he'll react and that's by calling the police and refusing to see me.

I now have wrote him a letter, I have not put ANYTHING about our relationship in it whatsoever, I have ONLY talked about our baby and plans for access as I want to know now if he'd like contact, il be devastated if he didn't!

It hurts more because I know that we used to break up and get back together within hours or days, yet had I not turned up to his house, we wouldn't have spoken for a whole week! Even though 4 days before he told me how much he wanted me.

It also hurts because regardless of how he feels about me, I know for the baby's sake, we couldn't ever get back together.....that sort of relationship would not be fair on our child, he deserves more.....however it doesn't stop me from hurting like this

goddessofsmallthings Thu 24-Nov-16 20:38:22

it doesn't stop me from hurting like this

You seem to have over-invested emotionally in this man and in the drama of your toxic relationship with him and it's preventing you from seeing that you don't have to be "hurting" if you don't want to.

The more you keep making advances to him the more opportunities you're giving him to rebuff you and the more he rebuffs you, the more fixated you're becoming.

This is a vicious circle that only you can stop and you're best advised to do so before you go overboard and he calls the police.

There's no need to resolve matters such as access/contact before the child is born and I would suggest you step back, take a chill pill, and be aware that inaction may obtain a more welcome outcome than continually attempting to force the issue.

Notmyweek Thu 24-Nov-16 21:00:47

Goddess I fully understand....I only went to his house to speak to his family & then to him....however I have not attempted contact since even though it is insanely difficult, I have spent all day crying & have only just managed to stop!

I so desperately want him to love me & for us to get back together & be happy however I know that's a fairytale dream that won't happen.....that's just the irrational me talking!

I've been through heartbreak, funnily enough this time last year! I only got divorced in September of this year to my ex wife....I get it a lot of people will say I move on very quickly, I was with my ex wife for 5 years, we split because I wanted kids and she decided actually she didn't.

We split in November 2015, stayed relatively good friends, I met ex bf in April 2016, we didn't plan on a relationship at all, I kept my feelings to myself and ensured it was "just a fun time!" However his charm made me fall for him and very quick, yes I'm stupid I get that....I probably sound young although I'm 26.

We spent 8 months together and only split last week, the next few months will be hard, I know how it all goes, I thought I'd never get over my ex wife but I can say I hardly even think of her!

However no matter how many times I've been through it, it still feels new each time.

Holly90 Thu 24-Nov-16 21:43:59

By the sounds of it the reason you move on so quickly is actually an internal problem (I do it) only today I realised this. I'm actually unconsciously scared of being alone so when I meet someone new I put up with more crap than I should because I fear them leaving me. Some deep reflection may help you op. Massive hugs

GriefLeavesItsMark Thu 24-Nov-16 21:47:14

Going by your previous thread you are both abusive. And if I was expected to go grovelling and begging everytime I had an argument I'd son be telling the other person to fuck off for good.

Notmyweek Thu 24-Nov-16 21:57:56

Based on what from my previous thread means I'm abusive?

I'd be very interested to find out....if crying & begging a guy not to leave me is abusive then lock me up!

goddessofsmallthings Thu 24-Nov-16 22:11:58

Maturity is rarely defined by chronological age.

Having ended your marriage because you wanted a child, it seems you set about achieving your aim with the first available male that came your way.

All things must pass and I suspect you'll get over him as quickly as you did your ex-wife when motherhood presents you with a new challenge.

Notmyweek Thu 24-Nov-16 22:22:53

I wanted nothing from my ex partner, he wanted nothing either. It simply happened that we started a relationship.

My plan was not to have kids until I was 30, I'm 26.

I didn't simply end my marriage, other factors were involved in why we ended, she was my soulmate & walking away wasn't easy at all, it only became easy when her & a friend sent abusive and threatening messages.

I split with ex wife in November & met ex partner in April....that is 6 months single, I wasn't aware of a rule that said I had to be single for a long time before meeting someone else....me and ex simply happened, I had so many plans & that started with just me, he then became a part of them & took priority.

Sweets101 Thu 24-Nov-16 22:31:27

I don't think you should contact him. And you don't need to contact him about contact with the baby yet.
You need to stay away. I doubt very much he is off enjoying his life, he is probably very stressed by the whole situation.
You need to give him plenty of space. And talk to your midwife.

Notmyweek Thu 24-Nov-16 22:44:04

I was going to send him a letter however after reading the replies on here, I have decided to hold off any contact.

However, the only reason I say he's enjoying life is 1. because he put a picture up 30minutes after our argument whilst out at a pub with his mate and 2. He said he's happier without me yet 4 days earlier saying he's miserable and can't sleep! It's literally messing with my head trying to work out how someone can say they love me and want to be there for me and the baby to cutting me off completely with nothing....not even a how are you message! How can he suddenly turn his feelings off after telling me he has feelings and can't just turn them off!

Everything he said he wouldn't do.....he's done and it literally breaks my heart

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 23:29:28

He's manipulating you and it's working. Abusers use social media to portray that they are happier and it's working. Don't fall for it but I know how devastating you feel. It's not really about love it's due to being manipulated with a sweet / mean cycle and it creates this strong attachment. I think if it was a normal relationship and you had a normal argument most people resolve it even if they decide to break up. Emotionally immature people react this way but don't let him win . Try to get stronger and happy being in your own and distance yourself. He will wait longer to get back if you show you are pining. Best to not show how much it's affecting you and he'll come running back but by then you may not want him back. Remember there's a saying : The one who loves the least has the most power in a relationship or something like that😉

SandyY2K Fri 25-Nov-16 00:20:53

But this is not a healthy relationship to bring a child into

This ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Your relationship doesn't sound fun at all and the constant breaking up is terrible unhealthy.

Maybe you aren't meant to be.

You've chosen to have a child with someone you really don't know that well.

It's fine to go from one relationship to another, but bringing a child into the world, when you'll only have known the father about a year longer than you'll know the child, is likely to result in difficulties, no matter how you spin it.

Isetan Fri 25-Nov-16 05:00:10

I do understand that a lot of your confusion stems from your bf's abrupt refusal to prolong the dysfunctional cycle of breakups and getting back togethers and that somehow you feel cheated because he has changed the unwritten hallmarks of your relationship without consultation. However, the cycle of breakups and getting back togethers was an unhealthy one and it did need to be broken and perhaps your bf found it difficult to see a future in a relationship with such a poor foundation.

Hopefully in time and with distance, you will also see that your relationship was unhealthy and that your behaviour was a contributing factor to its ill health. Go ahead and mourn the relationship but soon you will become a mother and that means it isn't just about you anymore and you won't have the emotional capacity to nurture a new life and be involved with relationship drama.

Break ups suck and they are painful, especially when you're the one who was dumped but they aren't the end of the world and you will recover. Once the initial shock of the breakup has subsided and the post-mortem begins, hopefully you will be able to reflect on the relationship with a more critical and objective eye because your current inability not to see how dysfunctional your relationship was, is disturbing and probably needs professional support.

For the record, crying & begging a guy not to leave you in itself isn't abusive, demeaning but not abusive. However, when the guy in question has made it very clear that the relationship is over, then all further attempts to 'talk' win him back, are attempts to emotionally manipulate him into doing something that he has explicitly made clear that he doesn't want and that is abusive.

This man's responsibilities don't include you anymore but he does have parental responsibilities and although you can't force him to be an active parent, you should pursue him post birth, should he fail to meet his financial obligations to his child.

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