How to go forward with finance and access after this email from stbex

[stripystars]

We had mediation which finished just before the summer (though we are supposed to have the final appointment), but he has complained he didn't get the paperwork sent to him and is always claiming not to remember what was agreed.

His financial situation s pretty dire and he recently suggested getting back together, I think to save his financial skin. I made it clear that wasn't going to happen and afaik he received the divorce papers last week.

Yesterday he emailed to say he had 'acceded to everything in mediation' (he didn't) but wasn't going to be 'trampled on' anymore . He had agreed to apporx £14k now, which is as much as I can raise against the house minus 50% marital debt which was actually all his fault and 50% of the divorce costs (if we were to sell he would risk ending up with less) . He is now saying he wants me to sell when the dc leave home (about 12-15 years) and give him a further 15K then. Now I think it likely I would be able to raise that amount at that time without having to sell, so should I agree to that now? I have no savings but a reasonable income. I worry all the time about dc's university costs and had been vaguely thinking that maybe I could downsize when the time comes or use equity - I don't want waster of an ex taking that opportunity from the boys. I can see myself at 50 + having to start a mortgage again, the boys not being able to go to uni and ex getting a great big pay out on top of the inheritance he has always described as his pension, which he expects from his dm.

He also says he is not happy with the access he has. I think it's about 60% in my favour but he quite often reduces it here and there - odd nights he can't do, dropping them back a couple of hours early etc. I can't say he's unreliable, but while he claims to want 50/50 his actions quite often contradict this. I wonder if it's even worth contesting it though. My understanding is that 50/50 is considered ideal these days and he was sahd before leaving 2.5 years ago... If I just nod and smile, I'll probably end up with pretty much what I've got now in any case as in reality he doesn't always prioritise the dc. Or is that a stupid idea? As a teacher, I want to be able to make the most of the school holidays and have 65% of them, but would a judge ever agree, despite the fact I am so busy in term time and ex isn't? I guess not, so there's no point in me fighting that . He ended up only having them for 25% of the summer hols anyway, but unexpectedly insisted on exactly 50% of October half term at the last minute.

I don't want to pay for another round of mediation when he is likely to go back on it all again and solicitors will be expensive and I'm likely to lose out, so should I just agree to him?

Sorry it's long and waffly. Off work with a poorly child and my solicitor hasn't returned my call and I can't stop it all churning round in my head...

[bibliomania]

HI stripy, I won't comment on the finances as I think you'll need to your solicitor for that.

Is he pushing for 50:50 to avoid having to pay child maintenance? Any chance he has his eye on getting child benefit, tax credits and possibly higher priority for social housing by making the case that the children reside primarily with him? These things may or may not bother you, but it's worth thinking through the consequences.

[stripystars]

I never ask him for CM. he is on a very low income and has them quite a bit anyway so I think that's fair. Obviously I pay for absolutely everything (bought new stuff for them to keep at his when he finally got his own place), but that's fine as I can afford it and he can't. He just feeds them when they're at this, unless he takes them to his parents, which he does a fair bit.

No tax credits but I would be fuming if he went for child benefit as I know I'd still end up paying for everything and he is disorganised and doesn't notice when clothes stop fitting, doesn't keep on top of stuff. Hadn't thought about the social housing thing. That maybe a good thing for him, but I don't want to lose my children to it.

[bibliomania]

I always had my dd more than 50:50. At one stage I felt so sorry for exH's financial difficulties that I agreed to stop claiming tax credits so that he could do it instead - all perfectly legal if parents agree. It went on for a year until my hours at work dropped and I needed to be the one to claim the tax credits (no maintenance from him at the time - again, I was too bloody soft-hearted and scared of the backlash ). Instead of being grateful, he spent ages fighting for it to all be in his name, please he tried to get me to misrepresent dd's living arrangements to try to get on the housing list for a 2-bed flat.

If he was genuinely taking half the responsibility, I wouldn't have any objection to him getting the tax credits/benefit etc. But if in reality you're doing most of the care, he shouldn't be in a position where he can try to milk the financial benefits that accrue.

[Mix56]

You sound like you are being more than fair,
if he didn't get paperwork from mediation, he should ask for a duplicate. or you could scan your copy presumably.
re future finances, your Dcs are so young, there is no possible way you can be sure they will go to Uni, or how much it will cost at that time, & how financing will work in 12 - 15 years time. Maybe one of them will be gifted at dance & go to ballet school, or have their heart set on being in the Navy..
You don't know if you will even have work, or get sick.....I think you should worry about that when it happens at a time when its realistical. Although that doesn't stop you from saving some money (if possible)
My DCs never got to Uni as I had envisaged,, they have taken different convoluted paths, including several changes in direction, apprenticeship, & time out travelling. they are now employed with good salaries & have no regrets

[HeavenlyEyes]

he left you in debt and you won't claim child maintenance - why? Don't agree lump sums without legal advice. And if he doesn't do 50/50 claim what you are entitled to.

[stripystars]

I can't believe him sometimes. I've just had to agree to pay him £60 to look after ds2 tomorrow if he's still ill.

[HeavenlyEyes]

are you actually kidding? You are paying him? He has got you right where he wants you and you are allowing him to walk all over you.

[ocelot7]

How does he justify demanding payment to look after his own child? I'm concerned he'll try this every time if a precedent is established...

[stripystars]

Well it's not actually the first time. It stems from the fact that he was a sahd until he left and therefore believes it's unfair that I don't respect the work he does now, or something. The thing is, he is paid by the day, so if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid. I am salaried and won't have lost a day's pay for today. He is really hard up and has had no settlement yet, so it kind of is fair. Still feels funny paying him to mind his own child though.

[HeavenlyEyes]

you don't mind your own child - it is called parenting. I am shocked you are going to pay him.

[Ellisandra]

Pay your £60 to a childminder.

[tipsytrifle]

Could you take more time off to look after ds2? I don't think you should be paying him a day's wages in these circumstances. I also don't think you should agree to anything w/o legal advice on his latest suggestion. Sadly, he is operating on the assumption that a precedent has been established regarding his childminding services but it's never too late to draw lines and boundaries. If you agreed to 50/50 would he expect payment for that too? You may well be the one with full time employment and a decent salary but allowing yourself to become/remain a source of income for him doesn't feel right at all. There is more to your life now than the past and his previous status as sahd. You have a future to finance for you and dc. His nibbling into it bit by bit just isn't right.

That he'd like to get back with you is, as you recognise, about making his own financial woes disappear. He is a taker. You are a giver. In your situation there's a disaster in the wings here that could scupper your future. I think you should listen to what YOU think, not what HE thinks.

[43percentburnt]

He is telling you very, very clearly that money is key for him. Whatever you agree won't be seen as fair by him.

Take legal advice and take exactly what you are entitled to. You will end up funding school trips, uni, clothes, driving lessons, weddings, gap years, grand kids! Take every penny you are entitled to (hey he sure as well would) It sounds like he may want tax credits/child benefit etc. how does contact work at the moment? Surely he would have to take unpaid leave if they are sick 50% of the sick days at least. Does he really have them 50%? Diarise everything from the past 12 months if you can and add it up. I think he wants the 50% without doing 50% (I have encountered many such men) because 50% means no maintenance etc and access to benefits.

I'm guessing you paid for mediation? I'm guessing he cannot pay for a solicitor. He wants you to pay him, until his mum pops her clogs then she can fund him!

Take every single penny your solicitor advises you to take - tell him 'you won't be trampled on anymore'. Your niceness (is that a word!) /guilt is going to cost you dearly.

[abbsisspartacus]

Find someone else to look after your child ffs don't pay him

[tallwivglasses]

This 15 grand you're thinking of paying him? - take off that 60 quid and half of all costs from raising your DC all those years. He'll end up owing you money

[RandomMess]

Don't agree to give him all this money when you are going to solely be financially responsible for the DC until they are what 22/23??? You need a SHL, you've done mediation he won't agree to anything so he leaves you no choice...

He is trying to take you to the cleaners!

[stripystars]

It's really upsetting me actually. He's so selfish, he's spent most of his life going back & fore to his mum and dad's, but he wants me to sell up asap, meaning his own dc may not have that security. When we first got together he sort of spent £900 of my money and that set the tone, with hindsight.

But...he doesn't want my pension. He thinks he'll be dead by then.

[kaitlinktm]

If he wants money from the future sale of the house (on which presumably you will have paid X years' mortgage payments) would you not also have a claim in a share of his future inheritance?

[tipsytrifle]

He doesn't want your pension? Just everything else for now? He'll soon re-think that anyway. Please re-read your posts now that the fog is lifting a little. It is, isn't it? Time to think about you and dc. He will "sort of" fleece you if he can. Get legal advice and some action underway ... please. Stop talking with him about any of this too. Don't respond to emails, don't discuss anything other than who has dc when. Don't discuss paying him for childcare either. You're separate now, right?

[Mix56]

Good God, its 50/50, & then you pay him for having them....
His 50, is so that he is quits.....
Get a SHL pronto

[tipsytrifle]

Just as an afterthought - he doesn't want your pension simply because he thinks he'll be dead by then. Not that it would be an appalling claim on everything you worked so hard to build while he did sod all. Not even that he might legally be entitled. No future planning for him to leave anything for the dc then? Just that he reckons he'll be dead so it doesn't matter to him. It's so all about him, isn't it?

[RandomMess]

The courts will want the DC housed securely, that will be their priority over him getting his money now!

[stripystars]

I feel so scared now I know that mediation has failed. I have worked so hard and juggled so frantically have as much time with the dc as possible while still building my career, and now I can see it all being taken from me. He was a sahd (never had or wanted a career, was 38 when eldest was born) and he has MS (doesn't stop him working, though his general attitude does) and I feel those two facts are going to mean that I have to support him for life. It also seems that our dc's futures come second to his.

I will see what the solicitor says.

[BlackeyedSusan]

you need financial separation. something about not having any claims on the others money.

50/50 only works if both parties are will ing to do stuff like buy clothes/pay for school trips etc. 50/50n ightswhere one parter collects them after tea/bath/homework and drops them back for breakfast and never pays for anything else is not true 50/50.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Write everything down - everything right from the original amount you "loaned" him. What you've put in here, I fear, is just the tip of the iceberg. What BlackeyedSusan said (and you, too) is that he's not co-parrnting. Any new clothes it's going to be you buying. School trips, children's parties (and the gifts), general living expenses - it all adds up, and fast! Don't undersell what you're having to do.

I'm not suggesting you'll get any/all of it back, btw, but if you have the full extent of his financial mismanagement written down, whatever crap he's trying to pull on you will be seen in that context, and you'll come off as very reasonable indeed.

People even with chronic conditions, can live as long as anybody else, and his refusal to plan for his own future sounds like stupidity at best, but more likely emotional blackmail.

I would bet cash money that when he was SAHD, you still had to do all of the housework...