Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Oh fuck.. I accused my partner of something wrongly

(35 Posts)
Fuckingcrapatlife Thu 24-Nov-16 11:39:17

Is paranoia a symptom of the menopause?

I've accused my partner of something wrongly.

I've apologised, but I know he's smarting and considering where we go from here. I'm really upset and don't know where to go from here. He's gaslighting me. I understand why totally. But how do I break the silence.. I'd do the same with him so no comments about gaslighting being wrong.

I find trust hard and have low self esteem.. but that is my issue and he has been so fabulous and patient with me.

How do I gain his trust and stop his pain?

GrabtharsHammer Thu 24-Nov-16 11:40:58

In what way is he gaslighting you?

What did you accuse him of and why us he lying now?

GrabtharsHammer Thu 24-Nov-16 11:41:37

Oh sorry, do you mean stonewalling?

NapQueen Thu 24-Nov-16 11:41:57

Is he making you paranoid?

c3pu Thu 24-Nov-16 11:57:09

What did you accuse him of, and what grounds did you think you had?

Fuckingcrapatlife Thu 24-Nov-16 12:13:53

It's pretty personal and I jumped to conclusions. Wrongly.

More than anything I just want him to talk to me, but I guess it'll take time until he's ready.

I'm pussyfooting around the house, trying to stay out of his way and he's obviously hurt/angry as he's not talking/being grumpy.

I don't really want to go into the accusation, I was wrong and should have just talked to him in the first place.

Why do I manage to mess everything up!

TheNaze73 Thu 24-Nov-16 12:38:41

Not making light of what on the face of it, sounds like a monumental fuck up, you must have had good grounds to accuse in the first place, with evidence.

Just give him time here, he's wounded that you don't trust him on whatever it is. You can't turn this around with a cup of tea.

Fuckingcrapatlife Thu 24-Nov-16 12:54:39

Give him time yes, but do I raise the subject? Apologise again? Tell him I know it's my fault? Offer to go to the gp for my mental health? .. although I do think it's something I have over thought and cone to a terribly wrong conclusion, it's my brain that keeps on over thinking this crap.

Monumental fuckup ... That's me again!

Fuckingcrapatlife Thu 24-Nov-16 13:00:01

Am I getting the word gaslighting wrong? Basically not talking and being off with me.

I dont think he makes me paranoid, I just over think like miss Marple. Except I'm not a private investigator and it really wasn't my business.

He's such a quiet, nice, kind man and I have broken his heart a bit.. feel awful.

I'm used to talking about my problems and he isn't.. so I became a complete but case trying to piece everything together like a puzzle... It's really personal, but it's really stupid of me and in hindsight it was selfish of me too.

Why did I open my big fat gob?

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 13:02:54

I can emphasise with this totally. I find it really difficult to keep quiet when my intuition kicks in. My partner gaslights, stonewalls me etc when I ask about something bothering me. He works with a group of women and calls them his work wives. I have to deal with them texting him and joking around all stuff which makes me feel insecure. If I even mention how I feel he becomes enraged and doesn't allow me to explain how it makes me feel. It's abusive really. Last night he came home from a conference where he'd been away with his female colleagues and was so cold to me so I said why are you acting strange and he just blew up and said here we go again making reference to me hating he has these female work friends. I wouldn't mind if he was professional but he texts them and they do to him and he was dining and socialising with them and I feel he's too friendly. He manages a 28 year old blonde women who texts him at weekends ( looked at his phone) and he seems to know everything about her and she's getting married next year and he's already put date in diary although he never uses his diary for our stuff. It sounds nuts but I can totally understand how you can accuse someone but it's just insecurity and you want them to understand but instead they act extremely offended. My partner often jibes me about exes but it just doesn't affect me. His reactions make me more suspicions and sometimes I can't help telling him what I feel.

lazyb0nes Thu 24-Nov-16 13:15:24

Yes I think you're using the word gaslighting incorrectly:

suspiciousofgoldfish Thu 24-Nov-16 13:19:34

Is that you Pipa? If so I just posted on your other thread.

Fuckingcrapatlife Thu 24-Nov-16 13:29:28

Pp. How can you live with a man that is texting other women and doesn't involve you.. for instance I would be saying "Joe just texted me this"...and showing him the text to open discussion and reassure him.

Mine is similar in my thoughts, but no where near as complex in our relationship. We haven't any one else involved, it'd just my insecurity and brain doing overtime.

My self esteem is low and I need to raise it, but this accusation I made has made me realise how much I love him and how there is only so much he can take. I am a complete wanker

Fuckingcrapatlife Thu 24-Nov-16 13:30:19

Lazybones..thank you for clearing up my mistake.. no he doesn't gaslight me I think I meant stonewall!

Cricrichan Thu 24-Nov-16 13:33:03

I'm in your husband's position a lot and I'm also at the stonewalling stage. I just can't be bothered anymore. To get accused of stuff that you've never even considered doing and having stuff you do second guessed or him finding false ulterior motives over innocent stuff is incredibly tiring and after a while , this lack of trust just erodes your feelings for the person accusing you. Also, defending yourself or justifying yourself when you're innocent is so unfair and demoralising and insulting.

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 14:04:05

I can understand that mistrust is a self full filling prophesy but in my situation I think my partner continues to hide stuff and is inappropriate rather than innocent . I can understand if he wasn't doing anything wrong but I was irrational then that would be tiring . He often acts really jealous even when I don't do anything but I'm not allowed to express my feelings if he's acting weird and that just makes it worse. I think there's a difference if you're consistently checking up and being paranoid. I'm not like this all the time but usually triggered by something like a text that he doesn't share or his laptop being turned off when I am still n the room.I think the issue started when he lent me an old laptop that had access to old emails and I read some and he was being really flattering and personal to females in his office. Bringing in presents for someone e.g. Costa coffee and doughnut and saying he'ld left it on her desk.He was thanking someone for booking a hotel room for him and sending a pic to her with the double bed and him lying on it. I think the upsetting thing is he hardly ever does similar with me and never gone to Costa's and given me a random coffee in 10 years. I do try and take my mind off him cheating as rationally I think something would have happened by now and he seems to enjoy my company when I don't discuss my fears or act jealous but the minute I do he just says I can't deal with this and cuts me down. Just that upsets me as if it was me I would at least try to understand and talk it over as it's not something that happens all the time. For example the last time I was upset that he was texting was 6 months ago so I can't understand why he acts so defensive, it just makes the jealousy worse.i do think I need to be on my own as I have lost trust and spend my time second guessing everything now.

Cricrichan Thu 24-Nov-16 14:30:57

That's different. I'd be really annoyed that he was so thoughtful and attentive with other people and not me. You aren't being unreasonable op.

sophiestew Thu 24-Nov-16 14:39:49

TBH I am not sure anyone can advise without knowing what the accusation was...... If he is stonewalling you though that must be infuriating.

Happybunny19 Thu 24-Nov-16 14:55:32

User that really is different to the original scenario and I think anyone would be suspicious, especially with his over defensive response. If my oh was treating other women better than me I would naturally be furious. The texting at weekends and evenings is unprofessional and totally inappropriate. Unfortunately I think you're right, you would be better off without him.

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 15:16:01

Thanks guys, sorry I've ambushed the original thread but totally understand how you feel when you have messed things up and spoken out and they act really hurt and offended.Stonewalling is abusive for anyone and I think it resonated as my partner does this when I accuse him of anything as can be irrational but he continues to make friends with women he works with. I get that it's better to get on with people but he spends time trying to get to know the new people and grooming them by flattering and listening , things he doesn't do with me. I think my situation is more worrying as he doesn't get why I feel so jealous but think anyone would . If I complain he just tells me to leave as I'm being ridiculous so I just suppress the feeling. He denies anything even if I've seen texts on his phone but then I can't tell him I've looked down his phone so I'm stuck how I can confront him!

Questionsaboutthings Thu 24-Nov-16 15:34:27

Hi OP I can definitely relate to the miss marple brain thing and there have been times this has damaged relationships so it's something I'm trying hard to control. It's sometimes very easy to build up a picture of things that diverges wildly from reality, and not become aware of that until the inevitable blowup that leaves you feeling awful.

For me it's an anxiety thing and just a general tendency to overthink in the hopes that by doing that I can prevent any and all disasters occurring. And an awareness that people are fragile and they do mess up so my internal logic I guess is that at least if I know I'm not as vulnerable, I can fix it, stop it going too far. Like you I recognise it's a problem though. Could CBT help? You mention going to your GP, that sounds like a good plan to me.

Just sincerely apologise to your partner, acknowledge the fact that it was hurtful and unacceptable, take steps to try and prevent it happening again. I'm sure given time he'll come round.

category12 Thu 24-Nov-16 15:39:05

user1479989941, maybe you should think about ending the relationship since you clearly do not trust him. It must take up so much of your headspace and cause you so much pain to be jealous and insecure all the time.

Also, if he never takes time to listen to you or flirt with you or compliment you, and that's part of the reason you're so upset by his behaviour with his colleagues - that's actually not an unreasonable thing to want from your partner (leaving aside him and the colleagues) - it's perfectly reasonable to want a relationship in which you feel appreciated and wanted. If you don't have that tho, the jealousy of his colleagues is almost a red herring - it's what's missing and what you're lacking in the relationship that's the problem.

user1479305498 Thu 24-Nov-16 15:48:41

user1479989941 Ive got an identical situation -- and in my case she works with me as my assistant and is away with my husband on tour quite frequently whilst I am back at home. . She is an over texter, I think hes an over responder and he deletes which doesnt help and she also whatsapps him. She must know full well though what i would think as its all on our mobile bills. Pages and pages of it.(and I can only see outward ones obviously) . He then gets thoroughly aggressive if I bring it up as if "how dare I think it anything other than normal " and its just general crap etc. Problem is I am getting to the point I really dont want her working with me and he is going to go nuts as she is a great worker and says my "jealousy" is totally illogical. Shes a single mum, reasonably attractive and quite "needy" -- she is also quite "fun" I guess and at the moment I am probably not--mainly because Im very anxious about all this and he doesnt seem to be taking my anxiety that seriously. (and Im not naturally like this) So yes, I totally get where you are coming from.

ClaudiaApfelstrudel Thu 24-Nov-16 16:10:22

If DP is getting angry and aggressive if he's quizzed on apparently harmless texts with a woman it would send alarm bells ringing in my head..if it really is harmless why would he care? just saying my thoughts out loud really

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 16:25:48

Thanks for such insightful stuff, the thing is I'm rational about most things usually and level headed but I do overthink how he behaves with colleagues and comparing how he treats me. I need to stop now before I lose my days just worrying. I agree it's a type of anxiety but think his behaviour compounds it.
I feel your pain about this assistant. I've come to realise that some people just don't put themselves in the other persons shoes. I see how you could feel she is a threat especially if is single and fun. No one wants their partner to be away from home in that situation it's torture. My partner works in sales and is often away on overnight stays.He manages 3 females and 1 he spends loads of time with. She's alot younger than me and is pretty but he never tells me if she is away with him. I drop in who is going and he tells me a male colleagues name but I know he's lying as look on twitter and company often posts pics of events he's at. He once went to a works black tie and didn't tell me she was going. I found picture of them on her Facebook page. She is engaged but he looked really happy in the pic and worry's me that he wasn't honest that she would be there. Am I being unreasonable to feel anger when I see this as my friends think maybe he hides things coz he knows I'll be jealous but I don't get why he continues to put himself in situations where he can't tell me stuff. I would rather know as I'm only angry when I find out that he's lied.sorry it's such a horrid feeling. I wish I didn't obsess about this so much as I really love him. I then talk myself around by telling myself he's with me and not with them and that nothing's going on. I have split with him several times and he blames it on my trust issues but I think anybody would hate what he does.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now