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Jealousy

(29 Posts)
avasmummyx Wed 23-Nov-16 20:02:03

I'm a really jealous person and I hate it.
But I feel that I've become this way because of my partners actions in the past and that he has given other girls attention, the way he should of only to me.

I hate if he likes other girls photos of themselves, it sounds so stupid. It I get jealous, I have a lot of body insecurities after having our daughter (I'm only 22 so when I see photos of other people our age looking amazing and with great bodies I feel rubbish) anyway I've told him how I feel and we've argued about it and he still carries on.
But he's the type of guy who loves attention from other people.

Personally I think if it upsets your partner you shouldn't do it, it's a like on a photo, I know it's not much and doesn't mean anything really but to me it does, it's not achieving anything him doing it there's no need to do it I find it a bit disrespectful and it drives me crazy to the point I sometimes look at what he's been liking! He doesn't think there's anything wrong with it even though I've told him I don't like it.

Please don't comment if your going to say something like grow up or get over it as that really won't help.
Is there anybody else who feels like this?

Simonneilsbeard Wed 23-Nov-16 20:27:08

Social media is the work of the devil when it comes to relationships sometimes.
I happen to think its massively disrespectful for him to like other women's pictures, it's such a public statement and other people can see that he's liked it as well not just you.

You've told him it upsets you and he's dismissed your feelings. That's an issue in itself.
Do you know the women in the pictures? Are they mutual friends? Sometimes people just randomly like things on Facebook or Instagram without really thinking. I do it myself ..but I wouldn't do something that upset my partner.

avasmummyx Wed 23-Nov-16 21:22:57

Most of the time they are either people he knows or I think are maybe random. One of them is my close friends as well which annoys me. Sometimes models, he knows i find it difficult and I can't stand that he still does it

Lolaandstan Wed 23-Nov-16 21:31:48

I get how you feel, Ive been through a similar thing lately. My husband started liking a girls posts to the point it got embarassing and then comments too. I am not normally jealous at all but it made me nuts. In the end I lost it with him but even though its stopped I'm still feeling hurt.

SherlockStones Wed 23-Nov-16 22:02:02

So you admit you have issues with jealously and yet only want what understanding on it? Nothing for you to sort out eh?

Marilynsbigsister Wed 23-Nov-16 22:25:49

Really truly, I promise you. Step away from bloody facebook and your relationship (and life in general) will improve ten fold.
If you suffer from low self esteem, then spending your time on a computer app populated by narcissistic show offs is just madness. Facebook is not real. Everyone in there is having a perfect life. Your dp probably isn't even really looking at the photos, it's just become habit to 'like' stuff.
When people start posting 'me DH and kids having blazing row in the car park at Asda' photos .. I might be less cynical but until then my advice is dump FB start living a real life instead of a virtual one. It's much better !

jeaux90 Wed 23-Nov-16 23:14:15

Hang on a sec he is just 'liking' photos of other people? Is he only doing that with girls or his male friends too?

KindDogsTail Wed 23-Nov-16 23:22:56

SherlockStones Wed 23-Nov-16 22:02:02
So you admit you have issues with jealously and yet only want what understanding on it? Nothing for you to sort out eh?

It sounds as though she is a human, reacting in a perfectly normal way to a thoughtless husband who does have something to sort out.

TheNaze73 Thu 24-Nov-16 07:41:26

If this was reversed it would be called controlling.

sherlock does make a valid point

Bluntness100 Thu 24-Nov-16 07:47:45

I think that you can't try and control what he does. The issue is maybe your own self esteem at the moment from what you said? Why don't you work on that instead, because it is something you can control and in doing so it's much more positive than arguing with your partner about silly social media issues.

If you have insecurities about your body why don't you switch your focus to that in a positive manner instead?

Simonneilsbeard Thu 24-Nov-16 07:52:36

Yes there is a point to be made about trying to control someone's actions here but the man sounds childish in my opinion.
Liking pictures of models when his partner has said it's hurtful? She's not trying to control him she's just asking for a little common courtesy. She can see it, presumably her family and friends can see it, his friends can see it.
To me it sounds like he's an inconsiderate, immature idiot.

pallasathena Thu 24-Nov-16 08:48:16

Is he doing it deliberately maybe? If he knows it upsets you it could be a form of control. Feeding into your insecurities can be an ego boost for some people; controlling partners especially.
Have you thought of mirroring his behaviour? That's what I would do just for the hell of it! Phwaww! look at him over there. Isn't he GORGEOUS!! followed by a lustful smile and a head tilt in the direction of the partner.
Play him at his own game and work on your self esteem. I'm sure you're just as lovely as these other women he ogles.

MTV123 Thu 24-Nov-16 09:03:27

I am assuming he is young too? Unfortunately we live in a social media world and unless you consciously take a step back and remove yourself from it then your insecurities will continue.

Jealousy is something for you to work on or else it will take over your life. If a man is going to cheat they will do it regardless of what you tell them they can and can't do. I would actually take steps to deal with this.

Remove yourself from FB and all other social media tools too. Like someone else has alluded to, it is just full of shows offs saying look at me and my kids basically.

KindDogsTail Thu 24-Nov-16 12:24:18

TheNaze73 Thu 24-Nov-16 07:41:26
If this was reversed it would be called controlling.

No, it would not it would be called asking for tact in a relationship.
I would certainly not go through photographs of handsome young men putting 'like' next to them in front of my husband - and that's even now we are older.

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 12:45:55

I totally understand and I'm a lot older than you and never been jealous until I met my partner 10 years ago after my divorce. We live in the same town but live separately with our kids who get on with this arrangement but think would freak out if we bought a house together. We will eventually when kids have left home. My partner is really friendly with women he works with and works in sales so stays away from home with his 'work wives' . I always feel anxious but control it but dont understand probably like you why I feel so jealous and envious of these women. I think if I met them I would be ok. He keeps things secret but says I will blow up so that's excuse. I have seen he texts them and speaks to them when I'm not around which doesn't help. All out arguments are about him and these work friends. He has no male friends and spends most of spare time with me so not sure where these feelings come from.I feel it causes cycles of activity. Jealousy is so destructive so I try to control it but seeps outThis is nuts but even yesterday after he had been away with 3 female work colleagues I went round to see him, hadn't seen him for 4 days and excited to see him and he opened the door looked really exhausted and cold towards me. I'd bought dinner and he said he had already eaten and started moving a strand of my hair out my eye which he had never done ever which I thought was odd. It sounds mental to read into that but he was so cold towards me. I then decided to go as he makes me feel so unloved but then he got angry and said he was exhausted and don't start on me, really defensive. His demeanour always changes when he spends time away and just adds to my suspicions. I don't think he would cheat as no reason not to tell me as we don't live together.i think he is a big flirt and gets attention off girls at work as he flatters them and sends nice texts. I don't get any texts apart from functional ones. Sorry for long note but wanted to say that jealousy is not pleasant emotion even when you try your hardest to control it as it's not attractive.Its a daily struggle for me and even got cbt for it. It's only in my relationship not with anyone else x

KindDogsTail Thu 24-Nov-16 13:13:49

User most partners do not spend so much time, in such an involved way with so many other women. The only excuse I could see would be if they were work colleagues, for example in a hospital.

No wonder you find it difficult, yet you seem to be blaming yourself!
What are you doing with him!

If you were spending that same amount of time with men, most male partners, however enlightened would find it tricky too.

SherlockStones Thu 24-Nov-16 13:29:23

KindDogsTail

Is he doing it in front of her or is she going out her way to look at his posts? Naze has a point to would be seen as controlling. In any case OP needs to work on her self esteem, sounds like there are more issues here than just social media.

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 13:34:17

I sometimes wonder myself! I do blame myself as really try to understand as he works in a mainly female environment and visits schools which are mainly female teachers. I think he's just friendly but once read texts and seemed to be totally different to the texts he sends me. Ones I've sneaked and read included One was a joke and the other was a supportive text as person made a mistake at work. His texts to me are are always functional e.g what to have for dinner , meeting times etc. I speak to my friends but they think I'm paranoid and say texts don't mean anything but still feel crap. In answer to why I'm with him is that I find him attractive, sex is good and when we get on it's great but if I've got a problem with his work wives he blows up. I've trained myself to ignore my feelings but every now and again it seeps out. For example the other day I noticed when he opened his phone that he had texts from a coworker and this was weekend . I was unable to read content but couldn't ask him as he makes me paranoid that I'm jealous so ignored it but it eats me up thinking what's he hiding. If we have a bust up he stonewalls me but eventually contacts me and we reset and nothing more is said but I want to discuss my feelings.i then am glad we're back together so forget about it all. I get angry that his work colleagues think it's ok to text him and flirty stuff like marry me messages on leap year once which I couldn't cope with.According to partner it was a joke and was cross with me for being upset!

noego Thu 24-Nov-16 13:38:35

The old green eyed monster. Usually associated with low self esteem, low self confidence. Suggest you see someone about reviving the above. then nothing can "get" to you.

KindDogsTail Thu 24-Nov-16 13:42:59

User
It does sound as if that is just the way he is with his colleagues; but you have made life very difficult for yourself being with this particular man given that you do feel jealous. I wonder if you have ever had counselling which could be to ask: either, why you have put yourself in a position where you are tortured and/or, why you lack self confidence and feel threatened by other women.

The very good thing is that you have an independent life too.

KindDogsTail Thu 24-Nov-16 13:48:14

SherlockStones Thu 24-Nov-16 13:29:23
KindDogsTail
Is he doing it in front of her or is she going out her way to look at his posts?

I don't have facebook etc, but from what I can gather from couples who do, it is perfectly normal to see each others posts. Also, one of the points of social media as far as I can see is tracking, even stalking, what other people are up to. So he would know she was very likely to see what he 'likes'.

Perhaps she does lack self esteem too and should get counselling, but this lack of respect will be making her have even less.

Simonneilsbeard Thu 24-Nov-16 14:18:25

My husband and I both use Facebook. I see his posts and I see the things he likes without having to go looking for them, they just appear on my timeline. I also have a male friend who likes pictures of models in bikinis all day long, I see those as well. I usually look at them and think 'what a tosser'. He has a wife and 2 young daughters. I'm not saying he shouldn't like them but why not just like them privately? Why does the ops partner need to click a button to announce that he finds another woman attractive? It's not controlling to ask him to stop.
It's the online equivalent of asking your husband not to gawk at women in public..it's not that he can't look or appreciate someone is attractive but there's no need to make it obvious! That's is literally what the op's partner is doing.

SlottedSpoon Thu 24-Nov-16 14:36:11

If this was reversed it would be called controlling.

Absolutely spot on.

Avasmummy if you were a man posting this about your female partner people would be wishing they could speak to her directly so they could tell her she should fear for her life, take the baby and run.

Think about that. If you want this relationship to last and to work then you need to pull yourself together and stop it.

bluebell9 Thu 24-Nov-16 14:40:08

Have you thought about counselling to help your self esteem?

I have suffered from low self esteem and it is really hard to live with. I did the same as you, and blamed my DP for me feeling the way I did eg 'if he didn't like girls pictures on fb, I wouldn't feel crap' But in reality, you will always find a way to beat yourself up, be it comparing yourself to these girls or some other way. Counselling really helped me to like myself more, it sounds like that might help you too.

avasmummyx Mon 28-Nov-16 00:11:07

I wouldn't say it's controlling.
I think me and him just have different ideas of what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship.
He knows I don't want to speak to other males they don't interest me so he has nothing to worry about and it's been that was for the almost 4 years we've been together.
Whereas I've always been the one being upset and heartbroken over some of his behaviour. He's admitted to me he's a flirt and recently told me he has "flirty banter" with one of the girls at work whom I thought there was something going on with.
I've gave him so many chances because I love him, I don't want to be with anyone else but I just wish he would grow up and respect me and our relationship. He doesn't see an error to his ways.

To me, in a relationship if you're with somebody you are with them, you shouldn't be flirting with other people or liking a stupid sexy selfie of them in a revealing outfit.
Especially when you done even bother to "like" the photos of your partner.

Why give another person the attention you should be showing to who you choose to be with. A relationship is between 2, nobody else. I love the saying "The grass is always greener where you water it" .. I feel like this could be so true, if I was made to feel like I was the only girl he wanted then I'd feel so much more confident and happy about myself instead of comparing myself to others.

He is very confident and vain but I deep down think this is all a front. He jokingly says that I'm "punching above my weight" and says I'm doing well for myself. Although I know he's joking sometimes I wonder if he really thinks so.

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