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Breathless with rage. Need to offload about ex H.

(52 Posts)
Greypaw Wed 23-Nov-16 18:50:24

I’m sorry, I haven’t been on here much, but I’ve got to offload this one somewhere. I’m so furious I feel I could burst with it.

My ex H, who I split up with three years ago, has sent me a text saying “I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done to upset you”.

I’d been a bit frosty with him, you see. Not rude or unkind, just not chatty when we’d met to pass the children over to each other on contact weekends. I used to chat and maybe even have coffee with him sometimes, pass the time of day. I thought it was the best thing to do, the best thing for the children, and that it would just generally make for a better life.

I don’t think he’s ever stopped being furious at me for asking him to leave, and every so often over the past few years he’d stop being friendly and would throw me some kind of curve-ball – some nasty comment or whatever that would indicate he was still unhappy with me. I would swear to myself I’d be less friendly in future, but I always thawed out. It’s not in my nature to do otherwise.

Three months ago I received the news that my mother was dying. She’d been ill for some time so I always knew it was coming, but it was still devastating and I was told it would happen quite quickly. I arranged to have her care moved to my area and got ready to look after her at my home. I told my ex H, because I thought I’d need him to look after the children more. He hugged me and told me “if there’s anything I can do, just tell me, I’ll do whatever you need”.

Four days later, the day after my mother moved in with me so I could care for her while she died, a letter arrived on my doormat. It was a long letter from my ex, telling me he’d looked up all sorts of information about me online – how much I sold my last house for, how much I bought this current house for, how much my car was worth, what businesses I had shares in – and that he had made the decision to cut the maintenance he paid me for the children because I had too much good stuff in my life.

He had decided how much he wanted to pay for them three years ago, and he has already cut it three times over that period for a variety of reasons, usually because I’ve done some thing he didn’t like. I’ve never fought back. This time, bubbling with rage and grief, worrying how I’d support the children if he kept cutting maintenance, I decided I couldn’t let it go unchallenged and took legal action. Those were precious last weeks with my mother and I knew he had chosen that moment to send me the letter because he thought I’d be too distracted to fight.

I’ve been so appalled at this behavior that I’ve found it hard to speak to him since, except to be civil when we’ve handed over the children. He’s clearly noticed I’m quieter than usual because I’ve had this text, apologizing for “whatever I’ve done to upset you”.

How can someone genuinely apologise if they don’t know what it’s for? And how can I even start explaining why he’s upset me? That one statement has brought up everything that he did to me over the last ten years. Do I say I’m appalled that he used the fact that my mother was dying to reduce the money he’d already promised in a court order to pay for his children? Do I go back further and tell him that it was just the final nail in the coffin, given that he’d reduced our money to such an extent in the past that we were forced to use food banks? Or further back than that, telling him it was because of the time he’d slashed someone’s tyres outside my house because he didn’t like the fact that I was dating someone else after the car crash of our relationship ended? Or even further, referring to the time he’d hit our three year old round the head because he had an accident when he was potty training? For the times he’d called him a “dick” or a “tit” when he hadn’t got something right. Or further back than that, when he destroyed the flowers I’d bought for my mother who was in hospital, or when he gave my books and clothes to charity without my knowledge because he thought I had too much stuff and didn’t keep it tidily enough? Or when he refused to let me have an email account unless he could have all my login details and duplicate accounts on his own computer so he could monitor everything I said to anyone (and when I refused, putting keylogger software on my laptop and doing it without my knowledge). Or when he quite literally “tore me a new one” during a sexual assault while I begged him to stop, then told me it was just a misunderstanding? Or all the times he shoved me so hard I had to grab onto something to stop myself ending up on the floor, and when I complained saying “I didn’t push you, I was just moving you out of the way”. Or the time he shoplifted and hid the stolen goods in my children’s shopping bags which he then got me to carry out of the shop for him.

“I’m sorry for whatever I’ve done to upset you”. Where do I start, and what the hell do I do with this rage?

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Nov-16 18:56:50

Ok breathe.

You split with him three years ago and for good reason it seems. So try to let the reasons for that stop causing uou rage.

Focus on the now, what's he done now, and that's the financials? Your mother moved in three months ago and the letter was four days later? So what's happened in the last three months since then?

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Wed 23-Nov-16 19:01:57

Wow, he's a total bastard. I'm amazed you have any functioning relationship with him at all, even civil handovers!

That must have been cathartic to get that out though!

Don't dignify it with a response, he can go to hell.

kaitlinktm Wed 23-Nov-16 19:02:27

I am really not good at advising here (and others will be along soon who are more knowledgeable) but I would be really, really tempted to use the 9th paragraph of your post (the longest paragraph) but write it to him rather than about him - and email it to him.

Greypaw Wed 23-Nov-16 19:03:57

I went to see a solicitor who contacted him to say the amount was court ordered and he couldn't change it arbitrarily. At the moment it's gone quiet except for some strange, stalker-ish behaviour.

It's this non-apology that's really made me mad. It's as if all the things from the last ten years have crystallised.

GinAndSonic Wed 23-Nov-16 19:07:32

Ignore him.
He's looking to get a rise out of you.
Don't give it to him. Rant on here. Ignore his message, never mention it, if he brings it up ignore or deflect.
Because honestly he sounds like a cunt. And I'm fairly sure from the description of his behaviour that he wouldn't give a fuck if you listed all the reasons that he's a shit, except maybe to be pleased with himself for getting you to froth.

Basically, don't wrestle with a pig. You'll only get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.

ChuckGravestones Wed 23-Nov-16 19:07:40

Wow. What a total bastard.

I agree, giving him a response just starts a dialogue. He doesnt care what he has done, he is just making you the bad person.

OohhThatsMe Wed 23-Nov-16 19:08:02

I'm amazed you've been for coffee with this man after he did all that.

For now I would focus on the financial side, particularly if it's led you to poverty. It's so clear cut that he's wrong. If a court order specified a certain amount, he hasn't the power to change that on his own, has he?

Threecherries Wed 23-Nov-16 19:08:27

So sorry to hear about your DM flowers

It's no wonder you feel so angry. He sounds rotten to the core.

Dont bother trying to tell him or explain, abusers never 'get' it. Anger can be a very overwhelming emotion, you could try writing it all out in a letter or letters you will never send, then burning or shredding them. Or get it out physically - running, dancing, kick boxing? grin. Or consider offloading to a counsellor.

But don't try and re-engage with him. It's not worth your precious time.

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:11:42

So, cmon, you managed him, he's probably being nice because he wants to reduce payment, hence the text. Ignore it, don't let it drag you down again. You got out, you've made a life, look on the bright side.,,

Greypaw Wed 23-Nov-16 19:11:44

"Because honestly he sounds like a cunt. And I'm fairly sure from the description of his behaviour that he wouldn't give a fuck if you listed all the reasons that he's a shit, except maybe to be pleased with himself for getting you to froth."

Yes, this, totally. I've told him all those things several times over, but he denies, minimises or rejects them. I know that if I told him why his behaviour three months ago upset me, he'd say "not everything is about you, you know, I need to get on with my life and paying you so much is hard for me, I'm sorry your mum was dying but not everything is about your feelings". Because that's what he said to me when he picked an argument with me at the exact time she was being operated on just before we split up.

I'd love to list all of that stuff and send it to him and really get it off my chest. But he'll fire it all back at me, and will tell me it was all my fault anyway.

GreenRut Wed 23-Nov-16 19:17:40

Yes I agree. He'd see it as an opportunity to answer your 'grievances' and actually only enrage you more. I think the best thing to do is stay civil, do not revert to friendly chats ever and that will be your revenge. If he does ever ask you and instist on an answer you could say I decided that I don't actually like you and I didn't want to keep pretending, it's a waste of my energy. There's no come back to that. And if he has got one tell him to stick it up his arse.

userformallyknownasuser1475360 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:19:50

I started reading this and thought, "is this another petty squabble that could be easily sorted out with a bit of compromise" but at this stage I'm thinking no way.

There would appear to have been a lot of Donestic Violence and possibly a lot more sexual abuse than you have alluded to here OP?

And that is exactly what it is DV! The thing about school is that a lot of the time it isn't the actual hitting or the sexual gratification that is wanted, it is power and or control -and that is what he is trying to do now.

You need to take the control from him, you need to let him know that all this annoyed you at the time but it no longer does (make him think that) - I wouldn't send it in a letter, I would email it and hope he responds.

You need to keep the relationship strictly business, drop off the DC and minimal contact - only re pickup times etc.

If he changes maintenance payment, no discussion, straight back to court, let him explain your lifestyle to a judge (and how he snooped to find it). There are and two pieces of legislation to be considered , the protection from harassment act, and data protection act (s55). He might not want s judge to know how much he has danced with them.

Re the use of email as alluded to above, this gives you an audit trail, and any replies are automatically recorded.

The other thing is, if there have been sexual assaults on you, should you be leaving dc in his care?

DorotheaHomeAlone Wed 23-Nov-16 19:21:12

flowers So sorry to hear about your Dm and about the sexual assault (and all the other deal he's put you through). He sounds like an utter shit and you have done incredibly well to get free and rise above it.

I agree with other posters that ignoring him is your best play here. You will never get the apology you deserve and he'll live knowing he can still upset you. Any response will only encourage more of the same.

FeelTheNoise Wed 23-Nov-16 19:24:07

I thought he sounded uncannily like my ex, but the words they'd use are identical. Look up sociopaths, my ex is one. Your history is so like mine it's unnerving

FeelTheNoise Wed 23-Nov-16 19:25:29

Actually, look up sociopath parents. Seriously. What's he like with your DC? I've stopped contact with XP and DS

travellinglighter Wed 23-Nov-16 19:26:52

Stop talking to him, get your solicitor to get back every penny he has skimped on and if continues the stalkerish behaviour then use it to get an exclusion order.

Mrskeats Wed 23-Nov-16 19:28:29

Ignore him and block him from your phone. Only have contact via email.
This man is an abuser and he will never see what he has done or how wrong it was-believe me I know.
Sorry about your Mum too. What kind of low life hassles you when they know what you're going through-utter bastard and well done you for getting rid of him ans getting your life on track.

Greypaw Wed 23-Nov-16 19:31:04

The solicitor suggested I get a non molestation order, but there were more than six months between the incidences at that time, and the new incidences are too hard to pinpoint (I believe). The solicitor thinks they wouldn't be accepted, anyway.

I do have some concerns about the contact he has with the children, which I'm trying to resolve through a solicitor. I'd prefer supervised contact but it's unlikely to happen.

Mamia15 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:31:37

Disengage.

Detach.

Ignore.

GinAndSonic Wed 23-Nov-16 19:31:40

I thought it might be accurate Greypaw I have a similar ex. He once whinged at me that he was skint paying all the bills alone while our dc and I were all sleeping in a single bed together at my mums with non of our possessions. But not everything is about my feelings hmm
These men are utter scum and they are below us. Pursue the legal and official means of making him pay what he should etc, but don't dignify his shit with a direct response to himself.
I patiently ignore mine when he's sending me loads of shit. If he's abusive or confrontational or blatantly trying to get a rise out of me I don't respond. He gets zero reward for being a dick, not even my acknowledgement. My friends and on here however do hear about how fucked off I am.

Hermonie2016 Wed 23-Nov-16 19:43:54

He is doing this to provoke you.Once you understand that he wants interaction with you then it's easier to breakaway.Something will be going on his life that triggers his need to interact with you.You don't cause it, it's his feelings.

His text is so you respond, he's hoping for a rant so that you are back engaging with him.
Any attention is what he is seeking.The grey rock technique is recommended.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

ElspethFlashman Wed 23-Nov-16 19:50:26

Attack him with the one weapon hes vulnerable to: indifference.

I recommend a deathly silence.

XinnaJane Wed 23-Nov-16 19:52:09

Have you been to the police about the assault? Or would you consider it? Only you know if you can cope with that process, but he's committed crimes which the police will take very seriously.

MakeItRain Wed 23-Nov-16 20:00:52

I agree with ElspethFlashman, that he'll be vulnerable to your indifference. Don't respond with any emotion at all. That will be the most difficult response for him to handle, as what he really wants is to have some power over you and your emotions. Pushing your buttons and getting an emotional response is exactly what he wants.

Have you reported the other abusive behaviour, such as hitting your son? If you wanted to fight for supervised contact, you would need evidence that you have sought advice for/reported all his abusive behaviour. (Otherwise he can argue that you're making things up.)

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