Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Husband says he wants a divorce(34 Posts)
Well just that really, we have been up and down for a while but I didn't think it was that bad. I've kind of been waiting for him to get help with his drinking problem - this is the cause of most of the arguments and that I can't get past that problem, I hate it when he drinks and it shows in my attitude towards him.
Any way he has told that he wants a divorce, he won't move out without money to get himself set up (and in the meantime is treating me like a stranger that has peed on him but expecting me to still play house, I'm still doing everything as I don't want to make things any worse as we have children. I really just don't know what to do, I've set up a meeting at the bank for tomorrow as the mortgage is in my name but I don't want this. I suggested relate but he just says he's done. I don't know what to do, I can't speak to my family about this as we are not close, I want to ignore this but I know that I can't just do that, I think I should go to see asolicitor but it feels like a massive step.
I feel like my world is falling apart, Im trying to keep a brave face on as I have to work and don't want the kids to suffer anymore than they need to. I just want my best friend to talk to and tell me it's going to be ok.
Any advice appreciated.
How much do you know about your joint finances? You need to get that sorted and it is an exercise you can do before going to a solicitor.
We brought a new house a year ago, but the housing market has gone mad so I don't know the value now, I have copies of all the credit cards and my income to take with me tomorrow to the bank. I have a pension but he doesn't, no savings. I got the mortgage on my own so I know I can afford it, I don't know if I could buy him out, google says he's entitled to half the equity but would that be minus half the debts?
I've kind of been waiting for him to get help with his drinking problem
This isn't exactly a recipe for success. Either he does it or (as in this case) he doesn't do it.
What does he mean by wants money to set himself up? Is he basically saying you have to give him a big chunk of equity from the house to finance him getting another place to live? How is it the mortgage is solely in your name?
I think you do need to talk to a solicitor, at this stage it's only a hypothetical 'what if' conversation to get your ducks in a row, you don't have to start divorce proceedings tomorrow. You don't have to start them at all if you don't want to - he can get off his arse and do it if he's that bothered.
You're not close to your family but do you have friends to talk to? I think he is going to make home life unbearable, particularly the drinking, to try to bully you into accepting a completely unfair financial split.
Is it likely he has someone else? His behaviour suggests he might.
His credit was not good enough to have a joint mortgage but I earned enough to finance myself.
He's had help but keeps slipping back, says I nag him and I don't respect him and that makes it hard for him as well as other factors, he keeps saying he will change but I think he's an alcoholic and needs more professional support than he's getting.
I think a hypothetical conversation with a solicitor would help. It just feels so final.
I won't let him bully me into a financial settlement, would a solicitor help sort out what he's entitled to?
Ok, the problem is his drinking and he wants the divorce? Is he an alchoholic ? Does he have any earnings i.e. Does he work?
You can't ignore it, he's said it's over, so uou need to sit down together and work out how you will split.
If you cannot afford to buy him out and you and the DC can't live in a cheaper property in order to release the equity he may well just have to wait for his share.
The first step is mediation, the courts want to see the DC housed so you won't automatically have to sell up to give him his share.
Did he contribute to the deposit? Was it a short marriage? I think there are a number of factors to consider, not least the fact you have to house his children (I'm assuming he's not suggesting 50:50 care?). A solicitor will tell you what you're entitled to, but should be able to indicate what he might be able to make a claim on.
The fact that he's blaming you for his drinking means you should have walked before now. He's not accepting that it's his problem and caused by him alone - this is probably why all the help he's had has failed as well.
Sorry, but you can't fix it on your own and with the drink problem still there, he's not accepting responsibility.
As you are married he definitely has some claim on the equity in the house, if there is such. Get a solicitor if you haven't already.
Is it possible to cancel the meeting with the bank tomorrow and talk to them after you have seen a solicitor to find out where do you stand?
Honestly, you don't want to inadvertently give the bank information that may make them wary of your credit.
50/50 is the departing point but it gets adjusted according to individual needs. It is not so much about you and him but about providing for dependent children, that is what a judge would be focusing on.
Strongly advise that you see a solicitor. The likelihood is that you will not have to buy him out, he'll have to wait for his money. Just as well as he'll drink anything he gets now.
Most important advice, though (and I am a family solicitor) is do not, under any circumctances, give him anything other than under a sealed order in divorce proceedings. Otherwise, he can drink whatever he gets, and come back for half of what's left.
There is no such a thing as "the likelihood is that he has to wait for their money", Mesher Orders have to be fought for tooth and nail.
Having said that, if he has a drink problem and is irresponsible with money AND you are already financially independent, a clean break might be the best way forward (age is also a concern, better to sell and buy when you can still get an affordable mortgage).
Thank you for all your advice, I need to get my practical head on and get my ducks in a row, I've had a chat with my manager at work and she's being really supportive.
I will take some advice from a solicitor before I see the bank I think. I don't want anything to affect the credit I have. I do worry that if he gets a lump sum he will waste it, but if this is it then I want a clean financial break if it's at all possible.
He's said tonight that he's found a room to rent and he's going to see it tomorrow, tried to talk to him and he's just being an arse.
I'll ring round some solicitors tomorrow, has anyone been through this? Are there things I need to ask or do I just tell them the situation?
Is he seeing someone else? So, so sorry to ask but I think it is relevant to how you proceed.
Can't offer any advice Dragonfly, but didn't want to read and run. I know you won't feel like this at the moment because you are still in shock, but if he isn't prepared to acknowledge and address his drinking problem, this is the best thing that could have happened for you and your children.
He wants out - he won't pursue you for leaving him, and you and your family won't have to watch him get worse and worse and possibly physically violent.
I do hope you manage to get things sorted out. As you have dependent children I would hope that the court will give their need for a secure home, and the comfort of a familiar school and staying near their friends, precedence.
I do think though that you will find, as tribpot has suggested that there is another woman involved, even if he moves into a bedsit (or whatever) in the meantime.
I don't think he is seeing anyone else but I have not asked, I have access to his phone if I wanted to.
He's still certain this is what he wants, I asked about going to relate and maybe a trial separation but he seems adamant that he does not want to try and fix things between us.
Yes, being there my suggestion, if you don't want to spend too much money in solicitors is to order "The Which? Guide to Divorce" from Amazon ASAP as it provides all the general information you need and then use the solicitor just for more specific questions about your case. That can save you literally thousands of pounds.
There are things I wish I was told clearly when we started the process, but the most important ones are to close all mutual accounts ASAP and do not assume you will get an accurate response to your questions as there is no law written on how to split the assets, it is decided case by case.
The OW is relevant just for 2 reasons. If he is seing someone, you can speed up the disolution of the marriage (if adultery is involved you can apply for divorce straight away rather than waiting 2 years to divorce by mutual agreement).
It may also have a bearing on the disolution of the assets if (and this is a big if) the OW owns a house and therefore his accommodation needs are partially covered by her.
But one thing is important to note, adultery doesn't affect who pay the solicitor bills, how the assets are split or the arrangements for the care of the children. It is simply not considered.
Is the fact you don't like his drinking the reason he's leaving? Usually there is something that causes it but the only thing being articulated here is his drinking?
How much does he drink , because either maybe you have a low tolerance to his drinking and it's within normal limits or he feels so hassled he'd rather be alone with his booze?
I would do anything I could to avoid leaving the house. If you're paying for it and taking care of the children, why the hell should you?
Drinks every night up to 8 cans, maybe more of the odd occasion. It is an issue for me, I hate it around the children, it's not what I would want for then. I worry about his health and moan, it affects the finances, I moan. I can see what he's saying that I'm making things worse. Our sex life has suffered. It's not a great situation once it all written down like this.
wow, that's a lot. let him start his new life with his 8 cans a night, in a rented room. I couldn't drink 8 cans of diet coke in one night.
i think you have to make a make from that/him.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.