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Should I speak to DM about her prospective engagement?

(18 Posts)
OldKingThistle Wed 23-Nov-16 13:44:44

My DM has been in a relationship with a lovely man for a few years. They live together and are happy, the relationship is not without its issues but all standard day to day gripes rather than anything major. I really like him so this is not about my feelings, however, he has told me that he plans to propose to her on Christmas Day and he would like my help finding out her ring size. The thing is, I'm not at all sure that she is going to want to say yes. She has always said she would never get married again (horribly abusive ex-step father). She is happy now but I also know she would walk away from the relationship and still be happy, I don't think her BF would be. I can't decide whether I should tell her about his plans or not so she could either try and put him off or just have time to think about whether it's what she wants or not. I worry she will say yes when asked because she couldn't bear to upset him but then will end up upsetting him even more if she tells him she's changed her mind at a later date.

So do you think I should do anything? Or just keep my nose out and see what happens. Maybe she will be happy and if I've told her then it would ruin the lovely surprise. She's never been all that big on surprises though confused

LolaStarr Wed 23-Nov-16 13:46:39

Don't tell her! She's an adult, she can deal with it. She might be happy about it and then the surprise will be ruined!

HuskyLover1 Wed 23-Nov-16 13:51:12

Could you try to see how she feels, without actually spilling the beans? Maybe tell her, that one of the girls at work has just been proposed to, and it's all very exciting....maybe follow that up with "do you think you and X will ever get married?" See what her response is to that? She might say "maybe one day" or "Hell would freeze over before I would marry again" Either way, you'd get an idea of her current state of mind, and you might then be in a better position to decide on the way forward.

OldKingThistle Wed 23-Nov-16 13:54:52

That's a good idea. Also her bf is the least stealth person ever so there's a good chance his 'subtle' hints have already been noticed by her so if I bring up something like that she might open up to me that she's worried he might propose and I can just encourage her to make her feelings clear before he actually buys a ring!

OldKingThistle Wed 23-Nov-16 13:56:54

lolastarr I know you're right and she is an adult, I just think her bf will be so upset! I know she will be fine either way. Not that she doesn't love him, she's just been through a lot in her life and is now very independent and comfortable with her own company

paap1975 Wed 23-Nov-16 13:59:33

I don't think you should. Only she knows how she feels and it would be a shame to ruin the surprise. And even if she doesn't say yes, she might nevertheless be pleased to have been asked. Really it's between them

Doje Wed 23-Nov-16 14:00:22

Could you talk to her partner and explain your concerns? Tell him that you're not sure she wants to marry again and suggest he has a discussion her along the lines of 'would you consider marrying again?'

Somerville Wed 23-Nov-16 14:04:09

Yes, hinting is the way to go here.

If it makes you feel a bit better, my boyfriend told my parents and sister that he was going to propose to me. My family were freaked out because the last they'd heard from me, I was absolutely not going to even think about getting serious with him until after x date - months and months after he was planning to propose.

He's now my fiancé. grin

Unless this guy is truly clueless, it's unlikely that he isn't aware of a change in mindset from your mother, of which even you are unaware.

Somerville Wed 23-Nov-16 14:06:06

Oh, and when my sister hinted to me (she asked whether I was planning on asking him to move in with me) I continued with the 'not even thinking about anything like that until next year' line. I wasn't ready to talk to anyone but him about loving him and wanting to be with him for the rest of our lives, IYSWIM.

AyeAmarok Wed 23-Nov-16 15:06:02

I think don't say anything.

My best friend was in this position (horrible abusive previous marriage, she got shafted every which way while divorcing). Many years later met someone else, someone great and they were so happy together.

I would have absolutely bet my life on my friend never getting married again. Thought she'd never even contemplate it, she'd been ruined by the first marriage. Assumed they'd just both be happy living together and having a great time and that marriage would never even be a consideration.

I was wrong, she was thrilled when he asked and they got married and lived happily ever after.

So you just never know!

Mistletoetastic Wed 23-Nov-16 19:58:03

My Mum turned my Step Father down several times before agreeing to marry him. They are very happily married.

goddessofsmallthings Wed 23-Nov-16 20:45:41

In common with your dm I don't appreciate being surprised unless it's with something I've clearly stated that I want/need, and I'd certainly appreciate a heads up if the surprise was likely to leave me struggling to find the right words because I'd been put on the spot.

I also have particular tastes in jewellery and I wouldn't want an expensive piece bought for me unless I've had some input into its style/design.

If I were you I'd tell the bf that, if he's intent on proposing, he's best advised to do so without a ring as you know that your dm would appreciate being involved in its selection as she'll be the one wearing it for evermore (or not as the case may be).

At the very least this may help your dm frame a polite rejection on the day if she's less than delighted, or enable her to say no at a later date without worrying about him getting his money back for a ring she wasn't eager to receive.

Out of curiousity, is he planning to propose in public or in private?

Damselindestress Wed 23-Nov-16 21:02:19

I wouldn't tell her his plans but since you get on with him I would tell him what she told you about never wanting to get married again and leave it up to him whether he still wants to take the risk of rejection.

DoinItFine Wed 23-Nov-16 21:05:56

I would definitely tell her in yiur circumstances.

She's your mother.

You owe all the loyalty and consideration to her here.

Fuck surprises.

Someone is planning something for her that you think she would like advance warning of, so you tell her.

MimiSunshine Thu 24-Nov-16 07:33:05

She might say yes but they may never actually get married and he may be fine with that.

I know an older couple who are engaged. I'm pretty certain there are no plans to marry but the engagement (and ring) is a way of being and showing how committed they are to each other and at their age having a title more significant than boyfriend / girlfriend (they don't like 'partner').

RaeSkywalker Thu 24-Nov-16 07:39:51

Maybe they'vealready talked about it? Most men I know have had a conversation that skirted around the issue before actually oroooding. I know DH did with me. They must've talked about where their relationship was going, surely?

RaeSkywalker Thu 24-Nov-16 07:41:38

^ proposing, not 'orooding' blush

JeepersMcoy Thu 24-Nov-16 07:48:56

Why don't you just talk to him!

If you like him then let him know that you are a bit worried as she had said she didn't want to get married again and that maybe he should scope it out before proposing. You could suggest that if she isn't keen you could help him choose a really nice bit of jewellery and do something special for her if he wants to show commitment without the actual marriage business.

Anyway, as others have said they may have talked about it already and she may have indicated to him in private that she is up for it.

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