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How to confront an emotional affair

(21 Posts)
unicornpoopoop Wed 23-Nov-16 10:22:44

Finally set up on account after months of lurking... Sorry this may be long.

So my husband has embarked on an emotional affair with on old friend (possibly more but they were children: teenagers at the time) who now lives in a different country. She tracked him down about 6 months ago which he told me about and they sent a couple of courteous catch up emails and he randomly told me that even if she was back home he wouldn't want to meet up with her.

Fast forward and about a month ago she started messaging again. He mentioned a couple of messages in passing - all completely innocent. But then he started become detached from me, and I had the feeling something was off. Had a look and there were lots of essay length emails between them... The stuff he's saying to her was definitely crossing a line but she was keeping things very friendly and asking about me etc and checking that i was happy they were messaging... He lied and said I knew all about it and I didn't care but even if I did he wouldn't stop.

Now he hardly uses his phone and is never on Watsaap. But recently he's been texting me but then not replying back to me... I've just assumed he's busy at work and left it at that... but I needed to send him a photo so went to send it on watsap and saw that he was online.... For ages! Still no reply to me... So I sent him a couple more messages... No reply to me but still online...

Now for the past week I've been watching and he's literally on watsap all day! I checked his phone one night and there were messages on there between them. I didn't bother reading all of them but then it started to bug me so I checked again and they'd all been deleted! Went back to his emails and they've all been deleted too!

Now before anyone says I shouldn't be snooping... He's welcome to go through my phone at any time (and does) and he finds it funny that I have literally every message I've ever sent or received for the last 6 years (no idea why?!)

So before this gets any longer! What should I do? I honestly don't believe he will ever believe he's doing anything wrong?

User7o873 Wed 23-Nov-16 10:51:38

You really need to talk to him. The fact that he's on whatsapp and you message him and he ignores you -I presume he knows you can see that he's online and ignoring you. That suggests to me he isn't even that bothered about you suspecting. He can after all just claim that he left it online accidentally or something. The fact that he's deleting messages though - that suggests to me there's something concrete in there that would prove he's being unfaithful.
You say he won't even belive he's done anything wrong. That doesn't seem to be a great relationship. Think about what you'll do if he denies it or even if he admits it and doesn't seem sorry.
Honestly, the fact that you don't seem to have addressed this for weeks makes me wonder if he's just ground you down to the point where you won't even challenge him. Does he belittle you or generally make you feel like crap?

unicornpoopoop Wed 23-Nov-16 11:06:18

He's not the smartest when it comes to technology - in all honestly he probably would have no idea that I've even noticed - normally I would send a text message to him not watsap so I doubt it's entered his head that I can check.

I've not confronted him as part of me is aware that the distance between them means that nothing more can happen and at the start I had respect for the fact the woman was thoughtful of me. The only problem is I can't now see if that's still the case. I know I need to do something and it's pathetic but I don't want to rock the boat...

Part of me is wondering if I am over reacting... But then he wouldn't need to delete it all if there was nothing to hide. And I know full well that he wouldn't like it if the tables were turned.

I will also need to explain I've been snooping and he'll then start covering his tracks more. I feel I need to gather more evidence first maybe and see exactly what he's saying to her.

Initially I was going to send her a message - not an aggressive one in anyway as she seems genuinely nice - as she's also married with a child and in the messages is very complimentary of her husband, and I just wanted her to know that she has become my husbands secret.

StefCWS Wed 23-Nov-16 11:09:13

its easy for people to slip, im not condoning it. Some woman can be conniving also so talk to him, tell him you are not happy about what you have seen and from now on will be keeping an eye out. He will probably realise he went to far and feel really bad about it. He may have just got caught up, cheating and flirting is a different thing but you should let him known that you know about them before it goes too far

leaveittothediva Wed 23-Nov-16 13:59:50

So, he writes flirty, crossing the line, essay type emails to her. And won't even answer your text message. And he's your husband. And you think you are over reacting. If anything your under reacting. Does he spend hours in deep conversations with you, and flirt with you.?. If it's all above board with his female friends, why is he hiding it.?. He obviously has told her he doesn't care what you think.? What are you preparing to do about that fact.?

HuskyLover1 Wed 23-Nov-16 14:01:52

Have you checked his deleted e-mails folder? Or the Trash can? If he's not tech savvy, maybe he doesn't realise they could still be sitting there.

Bluntness100 Wed 23-Nov-16 14:08:31

Hmmm, i would not text her, no, but i would speak to him if it bothers you, deal with him not her. He's uour problem, not her and going direct to her behind his back is bound to cause issues.

I think sometimes we all need friends, he's just talking to her and it's without the complexity of being face to face, it's more impersonal as it's via text and she's a long way away,

As said, speak to him about it not her.

Happybunny19 Wed 23-Nov-16 14:15:39

Don't email her. She will most likely tell your husband straight away and then he'll find out second hand that you're on to him. You may push them further together in this ea and end up being portrayed as the bad guy.

Either confront him now with all you've seen so far or hold off and continue to monitor the situation, but DON'T contact her.

user1479305498 Wed 23-Nov-16 14:16:50

Im in an almost identical situation except with my assistant in the business (husband and I work together) . Single mum, needy. Tons of texting this summer (now much reduced after I confronted him) and whatsapping, all deleted -- am told that its all just crap stuff, she is just a bit lonely. (she used to overtext me but I didnt answer so she stopped). He says he told her to cut it back, but didnt tell her she was causing marriage issues because he felt embarrased as nothing is going on. My hubby just doesnt seem to see that being available to answer back all the time is for me crossing the line and to me is an EA--he says thats all psychobabble. If it carries on I plan on leaving (as my 18 year old now not at home) with a letter setting it out and saying that i am noones afterthought.

user1479305498 Wed 23-Nov-16 14:30:33

in my case also, I dont think he actually noticed the "last time seen" feature or doesnt realise I have seen it!!

unicornpoopoop Wed 23-Nov-16 15:58:30

Thanks for all your replies.

Yes he did empty the junk folder which did surprise me. To start with he was archiving the messages so they weren't in his main inbox so again he would have no idea I would think to look there.

The messages (that I saw) are lots of reminiscing but then gushing about how much he would love to see her again and would hug her and never let her go... Some personal details about our relationship and some minor bitching about me... A lot of apologising for what ever happened to make them lose touch.. And lots of there's so much I want to say or ask but don't think I should... Waiting for the inevitable please tell me.. But that's where the emails stopped...

The thing that gets me the most are he's on watsap literally the second he leaves the house in the morning. And all the way home... I keep thinking surely they would have ran out of innocent things to be catching up about now...

Whereas I'm at home with a new baby all day and keep telling him how lonely it is...

The thing is I've always liked to keep an ace up my sleeve. As I know once I let on to how I've found something out, he'll know what to do next time..

I think I need to monitor it for a little longer and then confront him. Hopefully he'll slip up soon. Or losing interest would be even better...

HuskyLover1 Wed 23-Nov-16 16:54:51

I've just seen your update, and I am raging on your behalf. So, you've seen enough. You don't need to see more. You are able to quote his words back to him, and he cannot deny it. He isn't going to lose interest. The only way to stop this nonsense, is to totally lose your shit with him. He needs shaking back to reality. Tell him all that you know. Tell him to leave. Tell him you are going to tell OW husband what's going on (and do it). Tell him he can see the baby every other weekend. You are completely over. Throw him out tonight. The only thing that is going to bring him back to you, is to be alone tonight, contemplating his behaviour and truly believing that he is on the cusp of losing his family. I'm pretty sure he will cut all contact and come crawling back to you. The question is, do you want him? He's been a huge twat, after all. flowers

Alfiemoon1 Thu 24-Nov-16 10:10:35

I am having a similar situation with my dh texting and being over friendly with a woman at our horses stable. Big hugs and I hope u work it out one one way or another

user1479989941 Thu 24-Nov-16 14:55:20

So sorry to hear as am in this horrible paranoid situation with my partner being over friendly to work colleagues-all female . I also checked phone and email and just tortured myself but didn't find anything that would suggest physical affair but more emotional and being flattering. I find it difficult to trust my partner and don't know what to do , well I do but can't deal with breaking up with him as 75% of relationship is good.I also think that if they want to be with someone else they would be and you can't stop cheating but I think men like an ego boost. I think my partner is different at work than at home and I hate it. He seems so nice and helpful at work, even his texts are flattering and doesn't seem to have boundaries. If I mention my fears he gets enraged.I then apologise and say I'm being silly but as an example he was going on a work away day but mentioned also he was taking his car in for service that day. I then asked if he needed a lift, he then said oh don't worry sue from work is picking me up that day. In my head was who is Sue as never mentioned her name before.i then asked where she lived and he said round the corner , something that's never been mentioned before. Obviously someone he knew well but hey hoo. What upset me was I felt he wasn't transparent and felt I was grilling him unintentially and he just got defensive but I think any would would feel the same? Have I lost my mind? I then shut up but he does loads of similar stuff which I find difficult to deal with and just suppress my feelings . I think if I met his work colleagues I would feel differently but haven't met anyone for 2+ years.Last year we spilt for 4 months but he contacted me again and we got together again and he had tried online dating but said he missed me too much! Am I being a mug?

babbinocaro Fri 25-Nov-16 19:49:01

You could console yourself with the "men need their egos stroked" theory but the root of it is that you are not valued, your husbands and partners view you as dependable, afraid to leave, wife and mother appliances.., believe me it will get worse as you age..you deserve better partners. Hope you are strong enough to discard them.

2rebecca Mon 05-Dec-16 19:46:12

I wouldn't monitor it.
I would be confronting him with his behaviour and texts and telling him that he can see as much of her as he wants but our marriage is now over unless he stops all contact and stops being on wattsapp.
No arguments, either she is in his life or you are. I would also print out stuff on emotional affairs and show it to him.
People can very quickly develop emotional affairs. They have to be stamped on early.

unicornpoopoop Tue 06-Dec-16 17:55:59

I did confront him a couple of days ago and he tried at first to deny it but luckily didn't try to keep up the pretence. Within a couple of minutes he admitted he had been talking to her non stop and it had started off innocent but then she started telling him she was developing feelings for him again. And he liked the attention.

We had a big long chat about our relationship and why he felt the need to get sucked into the emotional affair with her.

That night I messaged her and she was full of apology and said she was having problems with her husband and she never meant to hurt me hmm
Anyway she promised to cut all contact. (Husband doesn't know I've spoke to her)

He'd already told me he wouldn't talk to her again. I was skeptical of this so when he came home the next day I asked if he'd messaged her or her him and he said no, so I asked to see his phone. He said no problem and that he had in fact blocked her, and he had. I was actually really surprised.

She's since messaged me a few times saying how terrible she feels.. Worse thing is, I've actually started to pity her.

Twittwoo72 Tue 06-Dec-16 18:16:41

And is that it? He has effectively had an emotional affair and he has blocked her so it's all ok?

unicornpoopoop Tue 06-Dec-16 18:24:35

I never said all was ok...

I'm not divorcing over this. What happens next is what's important and it's only been 2 days.

Right now I feel the right steps have been taken and I feel that taking the initiative to block her was a positive thing.

Obviously now, we both need to work on the marriage and take it from there.

AnyFucker Tue 06-Dec-16 18:24:57

Good job you rescued him from his own stupidity, isn't it ?

What are you....his mother ?

2rebecca Tue 06-Dec-16 22:30:34

I wouldn't divorce over this now he has admitted his stupidity and stopped it. Ensuring it doesn't happen again is the next problem.
I had a similar problem with my husband 3 months ago. He had occasionally texted a group of people through one of his hobbies and ended up exchanging near daily texts with one of them. He also occasionally met up with her.
I knew about the occasional meet ups but not the texts (or would have said no to the meet ups.)
The texts weren't sexual and no wanting to hug each other and not let go but it was the secrecy and the way things rapidly escalated over 2-3 months that alarmed me.
I think he was mainly flattered as she is a good bit younger than him, and he said he felt rude not replying to her texts but admits he wanted to keep texting her as a friend and enjoyed seeing her.
It took threatening to leave and showing him stuff on emotional affairs to make him realise this wasn't just a friendship.
It has stopped now but I still worry that it could happen again and he still feels nothing happened between them.
Having said that I became over fond of texting a male friend of mine a couple of years ago so know how easily these things can flare up and that it doesn't necessarily mean there is a problem with your marriage.

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