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I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

(31 Posts)
user1479866731 Wed 23-Nov-16 02:10:41

My bf and I have been together 8 years and living together for 7 but at his parents, simply because i'm studying and he works with his parents and we can't afford to move out yet.

Lately we have been having arguments about silly things e.g not having enough room in the bed (pathetic stuff). A few times though during an argument he has been saying go home to you're mums its normal to have space. Which is true but to say this now? After 7 years of living together. He is 28 btw, being quite hurt and confused by this I explained that when we get our own house that we will be living together and that I wont be taking trips to my mums house for the night because its normal to have space.

Then I compared us to other couples and he says they don't need space because they have their own houses and we live with parents therefore he wants mee to spend nights at my mums and then nights at his.

I just don't get this after 8 years, why now? I will literally be living out of a suitcase coming back and fourth when I have already made a home for myself here. He said he never has time to himself because I'm here and it just makes me feel really sad and crap about myself tbh.

I really don't know what to think. Obviously I am going to respect he wants the space but I just don't think I can go back to having sleepovers at my age.

Any advice?

mummyto2monkeys Wed 23-Nov-16 02:40:41

This would be a red flag to me! Seven years living with his parents is a long time though. Have you been studying for the entire time?

I would be worried that your partner actually means that he wants space from your relationship. How do you get on with his parents? Would you be given access to remove all of your things if he turns nasty? I would be willing to bet that he has met someone else and that the 'space' he needs is actually so he can go spend the night with her. You have been together a long time, has he made any commitment to you? Are you engaged or planning a wedding? I think that the lack of progression over that length of time is worrying.

How is your relationship otherwise? When my then df (fiancé) now dh lived with my parents, we lacked space too. But it was space to be together alone. My dh would book us into a hotel and/ or take us on days out to give us more space to be a couple together. It was my family we needed a break from, not each other. Do you both still have nights out with your own friends?

I would ask what he means, you have lived with him for seven years, that is your home. He can't ask you to leave your home because he wants space. Not unless he wants a trial separation (which to me sounds like a green card to sleep around under the pretence of needing space).You deserve honesty and he isn't being honest, I smell a rat and its definitely your dp!

Questionsaboutthings Wed 23-Nov-16 06:22:50

I don't know, I could see how it could be claustrophobic as the only space that's really yours is your bedroom and obviously that's not somewhere you can go to get away from each other. If you've been bickering about space in the bed and things like that I can see how getting some space could really help. I'm the sort of person who needs space from time to time and can get quite grumpy without it; it wouldn't mean I don't love the person I'm with, it's just something I need to function well in a relationship.

Going back and forth doesn't sound very appealing but why not spend a week at your mum's and see if that helps. He'll probably miss you. The odd night apart could be a useful pressure release given your living circumstances, but if things don't improve between the two of you and/or you don't move into your own place reasonably soon I would guess that perhaps the relationship has run its course.

Scooby20 Wed 23-Nov-16 06:31:37

You have been studying for 7 years and in that time neither of yiu have managed to scrap enough money together for a deposit?

Honestly I would hate that. He has no where he can get some space. Me and dh live in our own home and still like our own space. I couldn't live in a house with 3 adults.

He may be checking out of the relationship.but he also can't ask his mum and dad to go somewhere else.

I think you need an honest talk. If he isn't sure about the relationship then at least you know.

If he isn't checking out you both need a firm plan to love out of his parents.

Summerlovinf Wed 23-Nov-16 06:35:20

Sounds like this relationship is going nowhere fast and he's considering other options.

Justmuddlingalong Wed 23-Nov-16 06:40:22

7 years? Perhaps you've overstayed your welcome. It is his parents home after all.

Lweji Wed 23-Nov-16 06:50:35

Yes, move to your mother's. Permanently.
He clearly wants out.

You should be at a stage where you're getting your own place together and planning babies. Not getting space from each other.

Simonneilsbeard Wed 23-Nov-16 08:19:40

If someone was telling me to leave every time we had an argument I would gladly oblige!
My pride simply wouldn't let me stay where in clearly not wanted.

BakeOffBiscuits Wed 23-Nov-16 08:25:30

Yep I'd be moving back to my parents and staying there.

I think the whole situation is weird. Most couples want their own space together. He wants space but he's rather have it with his parents than you. Sorry op but that says a lot about how he feels.

Ellisandra Wed 23-Nov-16 08:45:42

7 years?! Surely whatever you're studying you're coming to end of it by now?!

There's a good chance - just because, such is life, that this is over for him. He was only 20 when you got together (presume you similar?) and you both moved quickly to move in after a year. Just statistically a split would be common.

I actually can see the space issue - in your own place, you wouldn't be on top of each other as you must surely be with his parents?

You're right not to live out of a suitcase though. I would probably stay at your parents for a week, not taking your things - not as a regular thing, a one off, for you BOTH to take stock.

Then make or break: split up, or have a firm plan when you will get your own place together.

It's not just about him though. Forget comfort and habit and housing - do you still want to be with him?

Boolovessulley Wed 23-Nov-16 08:55:29

I couldn't live with someone's parents for 7 years.
I would spend time At your mums
and see how it goes

You really need to speak to him and find out how he feels about your relationship.

Happybunny19 Wed 23-Nov-16 09:58:36

Jesus, 7 years living with his mum and dad sounds like utter hell. Doesn't sound like he wants to leave when he probably gets waited on hand and foot and doesn't need to grow up.

If I were you I would get somewhere to live on my own. That way you gain control of the situation and you can dictate when and if you want him to stay at yours.

sofato5miles Wed 23-Nov-16 10:00:55

7 years, i would have murdered someone! You, as a couple, don't seem to have the werewithal to have your own place.

TheNaze73 Wed 23-Nov-16 10:03:38

You're suffocating him. Move out for a bit

pictish Wed 23-Nov-16 10:09:12

I agree that 7 years is a loooong time to live with parents as a couple and having only a bedroom for your own. I would be climbing the walls by now so I suppose I have some sympathy for him. What happens when you bicker, how do you get space from one another with his parents everywhere you go?

No...it's a fraught situation. I'm amazed you've made it this far. How do his folks feel about having had you living with them for 7 years?

mrssapphirebright Wed 23-Nov-16 10:16:29

Sounds like you are wasting your life OP. 7 years is a long time!!! time to move out and move on IMO.

As PP have said, if your relationship has not progressed in this time it doesn't look likely that it will do at all.

ElspethFlashman Wed 23-Nov-16 10:19:17

Those parents must be saints.

user1479866731 Wed 23-Nov-16 10:52:32

Thanks for all the feedback guys. I haven't been studying for the full 7 years however I was 19 when we met and I was working full time but not earning a great deal of money being so young. My oh also likes to spend quite a bit of money on his car that is financed so that also doesn't help us to save. I then became pregnant at 22 and we started flat hunting and found a few places to move out but then our baby was stillborn and all our plans all fell through I was devastated obviously and I needed to focus my mind elsewhere I went to college for a year and then university which will be ending in 2017 and I'll be earning good money. My oh works and lives with his parents and has worked for them since he was about 17 but is starting a new job elsewhere from next week. I do understand where he is coming from about the space but yes he does go out with friends and his parents are really nice people they don't harass me I get on with them well. He wanted me here from the start and now after all this time is saying well you stay at your mums for a few days and then here for a few days. It's just stressful for me having clothes here and there and my car recently broke down so I would have to get buses back and forth and I don't see him making an effort to come to my parents. We're not in a rush to get married and we have discussed it but my priority is affording to move out atm. What I want more than anything. I'm just really sad I love my oh but feel like he's checking out and not making any effort

Simonneilsbeard Wed 23-Nov-16 11:08:56

The man you've been with for 7 years is telling you he no longer wants to spend every night with you.
I would go..pack all your stuff, concentrate on you! Let him make the effort to come and see you! I wouldn't be bussing myself and my stuff back and forth to be with a man who's essentially asked me to leave!

You've obviously been through a lot together but it seems like the relationship has run its course.

tipsytrifle Wed 23-Nov-16 11:35:19

From what you've said so far I'm not sure he's checking out of the relationship but I would certainly be stir-crazy by this time, no matter how well everyone in the household got on.

It's possible that things have run their course but equally it may be that some breathing space would really help. Perhaps you need to talk a little more about what it all means and how it would work in practice.

I would certainly move out, take all my stuff and operate on the basis of visiting/dating him rather than splitting my stuff between homes and making all the journeys back and forth. Another idea might be to see if you (alone) can possibly afford any other kind of shared accommodation rather than returning to your parents.

What you've described does sound a little hmm with regard to your P seeking the easiest-for-him way - ie: you make all the changes while he stays put.

I'm sorry about the loss of your baby. What a heartbreaking experience for you all. Had things gone otherwise, was the plan for your new family to continue living with his parents?

19 was young to get so very settled down. I speak from experience on that one. I wish I had been more confident and independent enough to set up on my own rather than going into a situation similar to yours.

As Simonneilsbeard said - perhaps it's time to focus on you and your life. You're still a young woman but even a relatively comfortable cage is still a cage. Maybe you're also suffocating more than you realise.

user1479866731 Wed 23-Nov-16 11:46:10

No we wasn't going to live with parents as we had found a flat to rent and just as the plans started to go through we found out the terrible news. After that I couldn't do anything my whole life fell apart so I decided to make my life better and study so that I wouldn't be working dead end jobs anymore and be more prepared when I decide to have another child. It does seem the best idea to move out, I just feel sad because in my mind I feel like we are going backwards rather than forwards. Just like simoneilsbeard said, my partner is telling me he would rather sleep alone.

tipsytrifle Wed 23-Nov-16 12:08:52

Sometimes there is no "backwards" or "forwards". Sometimes it is simply Change in and of itself. Though it's understandable that a shift of perspective like that is hard to accept. Events aren't always "linear" or straight-lined in terms of direction. Ripples are circular and expand beyond themselves.

It's good that you're talking in terms of it being YOUR decision if/when to have another child. That shows that you do indeed have a sense of independence.

It's ok to be sad because it seems like maybe this is some kind of splitting up going on but you don't know for sure yet. My advice would be to try and see this as saving yourself from a situation that has the potential to become very difficult indeed if he keeps insisting that you leave. I think I'm saying that you should take control, even in the middle of the emotional stress, and ensure that you have a home at all. First and foremost.

One step at a time. Take one (soon) before you suddenly find yourself in an emergency that will certainly finish everything off with him. Think about the implications/wider ripples later.

LesisMiserable Wed 23-Nov-16 12:18:30

Go bak to your mums and let him come to you. Whether he does or not will tell you what you need to know.

Mistletoetastic Wed 23-Nov-16 12:37:20

He is changing jobs, away from his family, this is big sign that he is growing up and wanting more from the world.

In your boat I would happily move out but I am very independent so would more likely be looking at a student share but if money is too tight then Mums.

Work hard and have fun in your last year of Uni, you will never get this time back. If it meant to be with him then he will seek you out.

Inertia Wed 23-Nov-16 13:05:33

Sorry, but it sounds like he is beginning to check out of the relationship.

Could you get student accommodation, which would reduce your travel needs, and let him drive to you ?

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