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Not sure why I keep going back for more rejection :(

(42 Posts)
MycatsaPirate Tue 22-Nov-16 15:07:02

Bear with me, this may be long, a bit all over the place and may not make sense. There will probably be things I've missed which I've meant to put down.

Parents adopted me when I was 6. They already had a dd (who I shall refer to as Abby) of their own who was 4 when I moved in. They adopted me because I was part of the wider family and when my parents died (rather awful circumstances - dad murdered mum and then killed himself) myself and my younger sister (who I shall refer to as Carrie) were taken into care. She was adopted by our dad's sister and i was adopted by her SIL and husband.

I'm 47 now. I have dealt with all the stuff about my natural parents. Carrie and I are close, we have researched endlessly about what happened as no-one would really tell us and have found everything we can.

I was raped about 17 years ago. I was living a long way from my parents at the time and eventually rang to tell them. My mother's response was to suggest that maybe I had 'asked for it'. To say I was devastated was an understatement. In the whole process of claiming criminal injuries I accessed my medical records and found that when I was adopted the Courts and SS had specified that I must receive counselling. I was taken once. Then my mother said that it wasn't needed and never took me back. I was never encouraged to talk about my bio parents but rather to just start calling them mum and dad and the whole 'lets sweep it all under the carpet' mentality which my mother does so well was what happened.

My childhood was ok. In terms of being fed, housed, warm, clothed they met all those things. I was never loved. I didn't get cuddles or I love you's. It was very much like they were going through the motions, especially my mother. My dad was always at work, and he always made time for me to play draughts or teach me stuff but there was this emotional gap.

I ended up leaving home at 17, dossing about in various shared houses and eventually moving 600 miles away and starting over. I was gone for 20 odd years and only came back a handful of times. I made bad relationship choices, most notably the rapist who is the father of my DD1 and DD2's dad who was so violent that I had to get a non mol and flee the area we were living in. I think I know deep down that I have issues and have been seeking the acceptance and love I've never had from anyone, even if they weren't good people.

So coming back to today. I've lived back down near my parents for the last four years. I live with my fiance and we are very happy. My two DD's live with us, one is going off to uni, one is still in school and being assessed for ASD. Life is by no means easy but we are coping fine and I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time.

When I moved back down Abby suggested we all have a girls night out. While we were in the pub she pulled me to one side and told me that I mustn't ask our parents to babysit as they are very busy and that I mustn't expect to see much of them. She basically made it clear that I was stepping on her toes. Abby's son has been going to my parents house every week (once a week) for dinner after school (they used to pick him up from school) and this has continued even now he is in his teens. Which is nice but they have no time for my DD's at all. Christmas, Abby and her son go to my parents house for the day with her partner. My parents have said that there isn't room for us as well. I haven't spent Christmas day with my family in 18 years.

I rang my mother yesterday to ask if they could look after DD2 for a couple of hours on a Saturday in December. She said 'oh we don't have space ... errrrm, no we can't'. I came off the phone in tears. It's just endless rejection. I know my mother and Abby go out for lunches together. I have often invited my parents over for dinner (they say no) and often suggested doing things with my mother (always busy) and I just can't keep doing this.

They are in their 70's now. Dad still fit and active, volunteers etc. Mum is still the 'what will the neighbours think' person she's always been. I got knocked off my motorbike once and and ended up in hospital and all she was concerned about was a) the police coming to the door (what will the neighbours think) and b) that her food shopping hadn't been put away (she rang my bf at the time and got him to go).

I know if I was reading this I'd be saying just tell them all to fuck off. But I can't. I don't have a relationship with Abby at all. I messaged her last week - no response. I am close to Carrie but she lives 3 hours away and has just become a Nanna for the first time, her life is as busy as mine. We meet up when we can.

DP doesn't understand. He thinks everyone is like his family (although his parents are dead now). He doesn't quite get that I have spent my entire life feeling rejected, second best and not really wanted.

I'm not even sure where I'm going here or what I want from posting it but getting it all written down helps to formulate my thoughts.

Thanks for reading if you got to the end of my essay.

Aedh Tue 22-Nov-16 15:50:23

I got to the end, Cats.
You have had a few shit, I mean really shit, things happen in your life. Your parents sound hopeless and Abby seems slightly poisonous.
Maybe further counselling might help you to loosen the ties you have to these people. I don't know what to suggest that would help you deal with their shit sense of family.
I hope you can deal with this.

MycatsaPirate Tue 22-Nov-16 16:08:30

Thanks for reading it all and replying.

I've been so tearful since the phone call yesterday. I just feel so unloved. Which is pathetic really, I have two gorgeous kids and a dp who all love me. But I still wish I had the closeness that Abby has with our parents.

Abby is very different to me. She makes snide comments to me on occasion which often go missed by others but I feel she's always trying to put me down. I haven't worked for about 10 years now as I'm disabled and have just had my second spinal surgery. I said something daft about answering phones at work and she said 'I don't answer phones! I'm far too important for that!' and not in a funny jesting way but a rather snobby way. Our lifestyles are completely different, she's always out with friends and/or her son/dp drinking and eating out. I'm more of a family person where things revolve around my kids rather my kids revolving around my life. I'm not criticizing, just pointing out the differences. We pretty much having nothing in common except shared memories of our childhood which are probably viewed very differently.

I've had CBT already. It helped in a way but you only get a certain number of sessions. I need to get some more. I've got complex PTSD from all the childhood stuff compounded by the rape and DV. I have anxiety and depression (long term) and feel like I'm wading through life battling against everything.

Cricrichan Tue 22-Nov-16 16:21:05

Big hugs op. None of this is about you but about them. It's not your fault that your father killed your mum or that these people who took you in haven't treated you as a daughter. Abby has just learned her behaviour from her mum.

But the great thing is that even throigh all you've suffered, you have two amazing kids and a lovely boyfriend and a lovely sister Carrie. Concentrate on them and don't bother about the others. Nothing's ever going to change so concentrate on the people who deserve you.

Hissy Tue 22-Nov-16 16:31:30

Oh love (((hug))) you're only a year younger than me, but have a big sister hug anyway.

You have had a really raw deal.

You are in a happy, stable, loving family unit that you have created, huge well done on that score, because with the start and role models you've had, you couldn't have pulled that off if you weren't a truly lovely person in your heart.

Now... the adoptive family... please just do yourself and your family the biggest favour ever and leave them to it?

Abby is jealous and a bitch, your "mother" is neglectful and should be sued for breach of duty of care or something. Did they get foster payments? In any case, they are never going to be decent people, they'll never enhance your life or that of your children.

Stop trying to give them chances to hurt you.

Delete and block and grieve for the parents you never had, enjoy the love of your fiancé and your dc and never ever look back.

I wish I knew you in real life, I bet you'd be a friend I'd be really proud to know xx

Hissy Tue 22-Nov-16 16:32:58

I say this as someone whose mother moved house hours away without telling me anything about the new house/address etc

For this and a lot besides, I have nothing to do with her anymore

You're not alone love.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 22-Nov-16 16:34:59

Wow - you've had an extemely hard life.
I really can't imagine it.
After the rape did you get some counselling/support?
If not then, even now, Rape Crisis might be able to help you.
For your past abusive relationships, did you ever support from Womens Aid?
If not, then they can help you with local support services for specific counselling and other things. Give them a call 0808 2000 247.

I've no idea why you keep going back to be knocked down again.
I really don't understand how it all works.
But please try to stop doing it to yourself.
Because you are now doing it to yourself.
You know they are useless.
You know they make you feel like crap.
You know they make you feel rejected but you keep going back for more.
Time to stop!!!!
Time for you to stop trying to please people all the time.
Time for you just YOU!
And the lovely family you have made for yourself.

Your DD is off to Uni!
That's some achievement!
Time to leave the past behind you, as much as you can.
And that starts with going low contact with your so called 'family'!

I wanna give you a massive ((((((HUG)))))) and tell you everything will be alright.
Concentrate on the good things in your life.

This is worth remembering and a quote I really love:-

'You are only going to be as good as the people your surround yourself with...
So be brave enough to let go of those who keep weighing you down'

Happybunny19 Tue 22-Nov-16 16:44:28

Have you subsequently undergone the counselling you missed out on as a child? I can't begin to imagine how you've coped with all this. It shows what a strong, resilient person you are, no thanks to the people who were meant to care for you.

I have utterly useless parents and have more or less come to terms with their failings as both parents and people in general, however every now and again their selfish behaviour gets me down. My partner understands as he's witnessed their behaviour over our long relationship. He still thinks I need counselling to fully come to terms with it all. He's right and I will probably do this in time, but find it easier to forget about them and get on with making my own happy family.

I also see my older sister struggle with our childhood and understand it continues to have an impact well into adulthood (we're both in our forties now). I really appreciate having her to speak to and we often enjoy a good rant together.

MycatsaPirate Tue 22-Nov-16 16:59:14

oh god, your posts have me sat here with tears streaming down my face.

No, I've never had counselling to deal with any of it really. I tried with the rape but I just couldn't find the words. It's something I have pushed to the back of my mind because it is so hard to talk about.

And the whole adoption thing was never dealt with either. No one would talk about what happened to me or Carrie. We were just told that it was in the past and to move on. She wasn't told she was adopted until she was 12 and then completely went off the rails. She's nc with her adoptive mother who treated her appallingly. It was the 70's. It wasn't the done thing to have counselling I guess. Appearances meant more to the parents than the welfare of the dc.

I'm a giver. I give myself to others happily and readily. I trust easily, too easily. I would do anything to help anyone but that's probably a bad thing at times, I've been taken advantage of too many times. I am reaching the point that I will no longer trust anyone new because I just can't cope with rejection any more.

I know I need to get this sorted, in my head, through counselling. I just can't talk about it in RL. I can never find the words. Or it comes out like I'm sounding petty or jealous of Abby and her son.

You are all so, so lovely. I really am so touched that you've taken the time to reply to me. I don't have any friends here, I left all my friends behind when I moved and I miss having someone to just talk to or meet up with.

I am a sad loser. I really am.

Cricrichan Tue 22-Nov-16 17:02:31

You are absolutely not a sad loser! Even from the little you've written you sound like a wonderful person. Where have you moved to?

You've had some serious stuff happen in your life and you could really do with some counselling.

MycatsaPirate Tue 22-Nov-16 17:04:03

I'm in Dorset. I grew up here (for a while) and lived in Scotland for 20 odd years. Moved back here a few years ago.

Cricrichan Tue 22-Nov-16 17:05:44

Very far from me but a beautiful place.

loobyloo1234 Tue 22-Nov-16 17:19:38

Hugs OP

I would also suggest looking into counselling. There is no time like the present. It may hopefully not only help you to deal with your past, but also how to be stronger with your family going forward. Your Mum btw, does sound toxic. I don't see what she brings to your life except for rejection and to make you feel like shit about yourself sad

Hissy Tue 22-Nov-16 17:35:51

You're not a sad loser!

Well if you are, so am I!

The fact that our parents or hose who should have acted as them failed us respectively is THEIR failure, not ours!

You know now what it is to be a good mum, that clearly came from within you, because you sure as hell haven't seen it modelled!

Abby is a product of her mother, you broke the mold tho, you went your own way.

Poor Carrie too. My heart weeps for you both. You didn't deserve this.

My counsellor told me off for repeatedly going back to my mother in the vain hope she'd show me she loved me, she only ever showed me the opposite, yet I gave chance after chance. Broke my heart.

Life IS better without them in my life. Smaller, but better and healthier

Counselling would help you a great deal, and I think from either the fostering angle or the rape angle, hopefully you may have options to get some kind of talking therapy to help you put all this behind you.

Mumsnet too is a great supportive place, Stately Homes thread in Relationships could be a good source of support.

We're here for you know, lean on us if it helps?

category12 Tue 22-Nov-16 17:38:18

I would stop trying with your adoptive family and go low-contact or no-contact with them. They don't have it in them, and it's not your fault. Reject them for their piss-poor parenting and favouritism.

The thing to do, to me, would be move closer to Carrie, even as a long-term goal. Certainly focus on friends and your dc and dh. And consider getting counselling if you can, cos you have had a lot of undeserved knocks in life.

beepbeeprichie Tue 22-Nov-16 18:34:05

I can't offer you any advice. But I have to post to tell you. You're not a loser!! Stop that nonsense!! You've had a really tough run of things, and to come out the way you have, a successful mum in a loving partnership is testament to what sort of person you are. And that's not a loser!!! I hope that some of the suggestions other posters have made are of use to you, and I wish you happiness and most of all peace. Don't judge yourself by your adoptive parents' failings x

Lottapianos Tue 22-Nov-16 19:21:50

Enormous hugs OP. I have done the same thing with going back for more again and again with toxic family members. It is so hard to let go of the last glimmer of hope that they will one day start to treat you in a loving and respectful way. You don't stop needing your parents just because you become an adult yourself

I hear what you're saying about counselling. I was in therapy for 7 years altogether and it was intensely painful. it involved going through the enormous box of shit that you carry around with you when you have been through such terrible experiences. That said, it remains the absolute best thing I have ever done for myself. It helped me to understand the messed up dynamics in my family and to see that I deserve much better, and to slowly let go of the hope that things will change. I could not recommend it enough.

If it helps, my therapist said that we are unconsciously drawn to what is familiar, even if we hate it and know it does us no good. Hence going back for more punishment long after the rational part of us has figured out that it is unhealthy behaviour. So what you're doing is 'normal' and understandable, but for your own health and sanity, breaking that pattern would be a good thing. It's not easy I know!

HollowTalk Tue 22-Nov-16 19:34:07

It would have been so much better if social services had placed you with a family that actually wanted to adopt, rather than assuming that family connections would be better. It sounds as though Abbie wouldn't have chosen to have an adoptive sister and has felt her nose pushed out of joint since you were there. She's keen to show you that she's the real daughter, isn't she? Your mother shouldn't have adopted - she clearly doesn't have the love to give. I wonder whether her "what would the neighbours say" attitude was what led her to adopt in the first place.

You've had so many traumatic experiences and I think counselling now would really help you. I'm so glad you have a lovely husband and children now. I think you're right that your husband doesn't understand - if you've had a 'normal' family upbringing it's so hard to really understand how it feels to be rejected so often.

I would go very low contact with your adoptive family and try to forge even closer bonds with your sister.

JamieLannistersFuckButler Tue 22-Nov-16 19:40:49

MycatsaPirate have a look at The British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy's directory of therapists:

www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists

www.bacpregister.org.uk/check_register/

diamondofdoom Tue 22-Nov-16 20:33:07

cats massive hugs to you lovely. You're the same age as my mum and if I was your DC reading that you think of yourself as a sad loser I'd be in bits.

You've had a horrific time in some aspects of your life. But look at what you've achieved and what you have! I don't even know you and I'm proud of you smile

Your DC and DP think you're wonderful and, although you feel there's a void to fill, that's all that matters.

My dad committed suicide when I was 14 (I'm now 25) and I too feel how you do. I feel I need constant validation, love and affection and I give everything to other people without a second thought to myself.

YOU ARE WONDERFUL. Repeat that to yourself until it sinks in. You don't need your adoptive parents or your bitch of a sister to make you wonderful and loved. They aren't worth your time, energy or thoughts. Your DC are better without them, judging by how they were with you.

The day you were born and your parents gazed at you lovingly, they would never think in a million years you would be feeling so down, and all due to their relatives. They'd be horrified.

You have come such a long way, you deserve every ounce of happiness and love that's thrown your way. Your adoptive family DO NOT deserve you.

I feel like I'm waffling but I couldn't read and run. Massive hugs to you!

(Ps I live in Edinburgh; Scotland is great sometimes huh?) smile

MycatsaPirate Wed 23-Nov-16 09:00:31

Hollow I think you nailed it. My mother probably felt she had to adopt. I know my bio dad's parents wanted to adopt me and my sister but SS said no as my Grandads health wasn't great. Ironically he only died when I was 32. My Nan passed away when I was 24. I miss them both.

I think my Dad pushed for adopting. My mother's brother adopted Carrie with his wife (bio dad's sister). I think both dads did their best but Carrie's mum was an utter bitch to her growing up and because we all saw each other regularly it was hard for me, Carrie thought I was her cousin and I knew she was my sister. I wasn't allowed to tell her. They eventually told her when she was 11 or 12 and by then I was 16/17 and breaking free from home life. I suddenly had this huge responsibility to a younger sister who I'd been denied a sisterly relationship with for all those years. My aunt would phone me up telling me that Carrie was going off the rails and this went on for years. I would drive up and down the country regularly to see her but I basically had her behaviour and welfare dumped on me at a very young age when I was struggling with my own life. Both Carrie and I feel that all the adults handled things very badly.

Carrie and I both agree that we would never, ever lie to our kids. We don't hide the truth from them about anything. We have watered things down where it's not suitable for their ages but knowing what it's like to live with lies and not being able to discuss things, we both wanted different for our own kids.

Abby very much makes it clear that she is Number 1. I quite honestly believe that when our parents are gone that we will have no contact at all. And I'm fine with that.

We normally have a pre-christmas get together at my parents house. They have downsized and are in a one bed flat now so I offered to have it here at our house which has tons of space. Mum said no. Mum gets everyone a table present every year and once I moved down I said that I would buy for her and dad as I didn't think it was right for her to be buying her own present. So I have done that every year. This year I sourced and bought presents for everyone except myself and DD1. Mum gave me the money but to me it was about wanting to help. The only date free was one Saturday in December as DD1 is off to America in two weeks, working as a volunteer for Destination Dreams (disabled children's make a wish type thing). Now because Abby has a works night out the night before she can't make it so the whole thing has been cancelled. I always make and bring a cheesecake or other pudding too, Abby never brings anything, she contributes nothing yet she's still the favoured, her son is still the favourite grandchild.

DD1 and I do muck about with each other and dp joins in. We often pull her up on stuff, jokingly, she gives as good as she gets. Abby will say things like 'I don't think this is the time or the place for this, do you?' and at times she's left me in tears. She clearly sees herself as the guardian of the gates where our parents are concerned.

Sorry if this is rambling. There's so much stuff, it's just all muddled. And it seems so petty but it all adds up to me feeling so second rate and just not wanted at all. And I really don't know why I make an effort with them all.

I am still unable to drive because of my surgery so dp is having to take time off work to take ;me to hospital appointments or DD1 is swapping her shifts to take me (she's still learning but I can supervise her). I just don't feel able to ask the parents to take me to physio etc because I know it's just inconvenient for them.

Dp has often said, why don't you ask your mum and dad over for dinner. Why don't you ask them if they want to come out with us for the day. I have always said no, it's fine. Last night I showed him this thread and he read it in total silence and then just wrapped his arms round me. I think he finally understands how utterly rejected I feel and that him saying these things (which would be completely normal for most couples) is just pushing me to get more rejection. He feels bad but it's not his fault. He had lovely parents who doted on him and his sister.

I haven't even mentioned my other siblings. My bio mum had two dc before she had me. It's so complicated but involves another husband, cheating partners, more adoptions and eventually finding another sister about 6 years ago. Can't find my brother but Jenny (who is 18 months older than me) has remained in contact with me and despite not being as close as I am with Carrie, I am still glad she's in my life.

DD1 was 18 this year. Carrie came down with her family, my parents and Abby were there and lots of friends of DD etc. Abby was sat on my right, Carrie on my left. Abby said 'oh is Jenny not coming?' I said no, her grandson was due any day, she didn't want to travel away in case she missed the birth. And so she turned her back on me and barely spoke to me the rest of the meal. I'm not sure why she's even interested in meeting Jenny, she has no time for me or Carrie.

MycatsaPirate Wed 23-Nov-16 09:01:39

diamond Thank you. Your post made me cry. I'm so sorry you've gone through the whole suicide of a parent thing too. It's shit. It leaves you wondering if you aren't good enough to live for. You seem wise beyond your years, your mum must be (and should be) very proud of you.

MycatsaPirate Wed 23-Nov-16 09:06:42

lotta

Thank you. I know I need to break the cycle. Mostly I know I need to be able to talk about things. I have tried. I have seen several counsellors over the years. I just find it so hard to actually sit down and say, this is what's wrong.

My CBT sessions I ended up rambling on about my day to day life most sessions because dp and I were having a tough time of it (not with each other, just life in general). So I didn't really open up about anything.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to discuss the rape. I'm still traumatised over giving evidence in Court so many years later. He wasn't convicted either which was so hard to deal with, he got a Not Proven verdict (Scottish Law). I feel sick when I think about it never mind actually discussing details of it. It's in a box locked away in my head. I try not to disturb the dust on it, never mind open it.

Bountybarsyuk Wed 23-Nov-16 09:24:07

I don't know if I am the best person to give advice in this situation as I have not been in it, but I just wanted to say that your story has touched me immensely. You write in such a clear way- if only you could speak those truths out loud to a counsellor, I do think it would help.

You also do have a family- you have Carrie and Jenny and your lovely partner and daughter, there's so many people that do love you and don't reject you, that I think minimising contact or even just not seeing those who continually reject you (parents, Abby) is a good idea. It doesn't seem like those dynamics are going to change now, so basically you have to decide if you want to go back every now and again for a kick (which is what they are doing, kicking you and keeping you in your place) or whether it might be better to avoid them altogether.

You sound lovely, they are (at best and the kindest interpretation) inadequate parents, and they have allowed that to flow onto the next generation through Abby. I think you would feel better about yourself if you didn't have to see them or get rejected, perhaps offer one thing for Christmas or send them a card and don't ask again. I love your partner's response, it sounds like you have got a good source of support there.

springydaffs Wed 23-Nov-16 09:39:53

I have a crap family - shall we get together? wink

Because you sound GORGEOUS. A really lovely person. Anyone would - SHOULD - be glad to have you in their life. Your adoptive family are shits (there, said it).

Apropos my crap family, I have had acres of therapy. I needed it, big time. Yet you've had much worse than me - and mine was bad enough. Through therapy I have been able to distance myself from my family (NC with siblings, currently look after very aged parents) and it is a joy to no longer have them in my life. I feel no pangs, just overwhelming gratitude I no longer have to put up with their endless shit.

You've had a rough, rough deal. Yet look at you, you have achieved so much.

I heart you, in short.

Get thee to a therapist. Forget the NHS (chocolate teapot/no MH funding) and crack on with processing this awful pile of shit. You'll be glad you did. ime I had therapy for years, so do be prepared for the long haul as weeks/months do more harm than good when it's big stuff. Contact BACP etc, get a list of therapists in your area (lots), whittle down who you like the look of, contact them. If £ is an issue, ask for fee scale - most therapists offer a sliding fee scale and won't be offended to be asked. Therapists are like a good pair of shoes - they have to fit and feel comfortable. So even if one looks good on paper, don't go with someone unless you feel entirely comfortable. I have seen a number of therapists over the years, you don't have to stick with the same one.

You are lovely, did I mention. I wish you the very best in the whole world. You deserve it flowers

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