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I'm not a mum but need help with my relationship...(8 Posts)
I hope you can help me? I my current partner at the start of February this year. Everything has been going well (or so I thought) and we have really got on to the point that she has asked me to move in with her, which I have over the past few weeks.
My partner is separated but not divorced yet. She has been single for 8 year but had no sex for ten years before we met (or so she tells me). She has 4 children.
All was going fine until she dropped in a conversation about some alterations to her house that someone/ a builder that she knows had asked her out. I was of course shocked. She said that she had told this guy if he had asked sooner she might have but had now met someone. She said that she did not want to speak to him ‘as she did not want to encourage that at the moment’.
She then went on to say that this guy was now flirting with her best friend and co-worker whose marriage has just broken up and that she was responding. She commented that her friend was playing with fire.
I let it go by for a while and latter jokingly said if I had anything to worry about as she had some workmen coming to start on her bathroom in the morning. She said I had nothing to worry about and was in love with me. She said he was a nice guy and really likes him and would of gone out with him if he had asked sooner but didn’t so too late. I let it drop not wanting to make things worse.
Since then this guy’s name has crept up a lot in conversations and my partner is constantly receiving texts who I assume to be from her friend and see to be very interested in their relationship.
I have been told that this guy is now interested in getting to know her friend. She has even suggested at going out with them on a double date out of the area just in case her friend is seen with this other guy and her recently ex-partner finds out. I told her I felt very uncomfortable with this and would be happier to do it 6 months down the line once they were more stable.
I have also found out that this guy made his feelings know about dating when my partner was out with her friend on a girls nite out a couple of months ago. It has now changed to this guy asking through her friend and that he was out drinking in the same pub on a Monday nite. To me this stinks.
This weekend my partner invited me to a music event which she and her friend had organised and at which this guy is also attending as an act. See came up with an excuse which meant I had to go latter with her parents while she went earlier to do sound checks etc. She was also thinking about staying latter for a drink and walking home (no mention if I would be involved or not) but she changed her mind because of her children and having to get up early the next day.
I went and noticed the body language and the eye contact between them. My partner also seemed to make more of an effort to dress up than her friend did.
I also found out (noticed her write it in while sat next to me) that she has made a date in her diary that this guy group is performing in a months’ time on a Friday nite at a local hotel. See did not mention it to me.
I can ‘t help but feel very jealous, confused, insecure and upset by what is going on. My sixth sense is telling me that something is up. I don’t like the triangle forming between my partner, her friend and this guy. She often says that her friend is a bad influence on her.
She keeps telling me she loves me more than anyone else she has been with and so much more connected, likes me moving in and that I have nothing to worry about. I don’t know if I am over reacting to all this?
There was never any mention of this guy prior to all this in our relationship but now it seems to regularly crop up.
She has recently had some work on the house done by another trades man but he has left some unfinished work. Once again, this guy’s name crops up as she says he is interested in doing some inside work for her and he could do the work.
I don’t feel at all comfortable that contact is going on and the thought of him and my partner being in the house together (she does spend some time at home on certain days during the day).
This guy is currently a friend with benefits with her friend.
This whole situation is really upsetting me and I am unsure how to tackle it or if I am just being paranoid.
I'm not really surprised you don't trust her. You've only been together a few months and it really shouldn't be this dramatic during this honeymoon period. I would finish things now before you get any more attached. I think she may be engineering a drama and wants two men fighting for her. Find someone who you can have fun with.
She's made it very clear to you that she wants you, she prefers you and she is with you. You're lives aren't tied together in any way so if she preferred the other guy, she'd be with him. So stop being so paranoid and trying to second guess everything she does that might involve him or you will find that she does end up with him or at least ditching you.
Your not you're!
Also, she's matched her friend up with him so it's not like she wants him. at worst she finds it flattering.
She has been single for 8 year but had no sex for ten years before we met (or so she tells me)
It could be that her relationship with you has caused her self-confidence to rise to forgotten heights and she may be, not so much making up for lost time, as revelling in a new found sense of empowerment and the somewhat giddy feeling of excitement this can engender.
Your relationship appears to have gone at a rapid pace and you've moved into her home before she's divorced. Is there a divorce in progress? If not, you should be aware that her husband could divorce her for adultery and cite you as co-respondent.
I'm not saying this will happen or that it would necessarily be a bad thing if it does but, if you haven't given any consideration to the fact that you may find yourself liable for a portion of the courts costs of her divorce, I would question how well thought out your decision to move in with her has been.
She often says that her friend is a bad influence on her I'd be wary of anyone who makes a statement such as this as it implies they have no will, or will-power, of their own and that they may seek to excuse unacceptable behaviour by blaming someone else for their preventable excesses.
It seems to come down to the fact that you don't trust your 'current partner' and, as Happybunny has said, you shouldn't be harbouring these doubts during the honeymoon phase of this hitherto short-lived liaison.
As open and honest communication is key to a harmonious relationship, I suggest you put your cards on table with a view to ascertaining whether her boundary lines are in accordance with yours and cut your losses if they're not.
She seems keen on the guy and I'd feel the way you do. Where's your security by moving in with her? That's what I'd be concerned about. Just keep some money for alternative accommodation.
If you spoke of a girl who fancied you and made every effort to see her in a band .... would she be okay with that?
Just don't fall head over heels with her.
Thanks for your advice i do appreciate it.
I had an ex who swore blind she wasn't interested in an acquaintance, made me feel a jealous fiend, but I saw her behaviour change and soon after they had a fling. Trust your gut
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