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Should my boy be talking to his baby mum that way??

(211 Posts)

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user1479224526 Tue 22-Nov-16 02:31:21

My boyfriend is having REAL issues with his baby mum. They broke up when she was pregnant and it's been nothing but messy since. First no contact, then screaming and shouting, now he sees the baby monthly but with no formal agreements in place and she controls the lot.

They text each other all the time, she is either screaming and shouting at him, arranging him seeing the baby or saying how she still loves him and so desperately wants him back.

He doesn't defend his reasons for leaving. He lets her scream at him. He lets her call me all names under the sun (by ignoring it). But I looked at his phone tonight after finding last week that he'd deleted his messages from her. He was mostly ok, but at one point he said "I love you with all my heart" (as a defence to her saying she never loved him). He also said when he next saw the baby he wanted to have 1 day where they pretend to be a family. She referred to her son and him as "my boys" and he said "we are". I get that he's trying not to upset her, especially as he wants to talk to her about going to court soon, but wtf?! Apart from the fact that he's handling the baby situ all wrong, should I really put up with this? Constant messaging, him not defending himself or me, saying all the things which lead her on? I feel disrespected and like I'm being lied to, having to share him with his ex.

Do I continue to push him to do things formally and hope the messaging stops, or shall I get the hell out if he behaves like that towards her secretly?

BratFarrarsPony Tue 22-Nov-16 02:35:18

'Baby mum' - really? '

I would run for the hills and not look back to be honest, it sounds like they are still involved.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 22-Nov-16 02:36:51

I have known two men who've left pregnant women and both of them were utter shits. It takes a special kind of arsehole to do that. And it sounds like your relationship was either the reason, or far too soon.

ClarissaDarling Tue 22-Nov-16 02:37:24

Is 'baby mum' = mother of his baby? (Sorry, been awoken by my baby and feeding so sleep deprived) I think that as there is a child involved he will never be fully 'yours' and until the Child reached their early teens there will always be an aspect of get involvement. How old is the baby?

NerrSnerr Tue 22-Nov-16 02:43:30

How long have they been separated and how long have you been together. It sounds like neither of them have got over the split yet and they probably need time.

user1479224526 Tue 22-Nov-16 02:45:50

He isn't an utter shit, he's just too soft. I won't go into the details of how much he's tried to fight to help her and be a daddy because that isn't what this is about.

But that is why he's so soft with her texts. Terrified that a year of hard work getting her to talk to him will be lost. But this is too far right??

Baby is only 6 months old. It's all very sour still. I don't expect him to be fully 'mine' but I didn't expect to see messages like that sad

user1479224526 Tue 22-Nov-16 02:46:25

We did meet just after they broke up, hence the hate for me

BratFarrarsPony Tue 22-Nov-16 02:49:21

" . I won't go into the details of how much he's tried to fight to help her and be a daddy "

good because nobody will believe it anyway. Sorry to say it.
Why did he 'try to fight' and not just 'fight' eh? or just do it?
Sounds like he has spun you a line tbh.

YouHadMeAtCake Tue 22-Nov-16 02:54:19

Why do people use the awful term baby mum etc. He is clearly still attached and to be honest, it would be better all round if they got back together, which I think you will find is exactly what will happen. Otherwise you are saddled with all the drama forever. Ugh.

user1479224526 Tue 22-Nov-16 02:57:20

Wow that's a bit much without the full story or context. He did fight and that's why he now finally sees his boy and helps her.

He says he is going to start court proceedings now, now that he realises shes going to continue playing with him forever. But do I believe he will really pursue that, after the messages I've seen?

user1479224526 Tue 22-Nov-16 02:58:22

You think they should get back together just for the sake of the baby, even though the relationship was never working and he didn't love her anymore?

user1479224526 Tue 22-Nov-16 02:59:33

Sorry for poor terminology I am not a regular mumsnet user I just came here for help

BubblingUp Tue 22-Nov-16 02:59:49

They are going to go off and play happy family every now and then - surely with sex involved as that's part of the deal - and because he's soft as you say - and then he will come back to you with lies.

YouHadMeAtCake Tue 22-Nov-16 03:01:35

Sorry to say OP, I think he does still love her though.

toopeoply Tue 22-Nov-16 03:06:09

To answer your question, no messages like that are completely inappropriate. I'd not put up with that at all. You are his partner now and obviously he shouldn't be telling anyone else that he loves her and wants to be a family.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 22-Nov-16 03:08:11

If you get together with man who has just split up with his pregnant partner, do you not expect drama? I would have given him an extremely wide berth but you didn't.

Trifleorbust Tue 22-Nov-16 03:11:53

'Baby mum' isn't just poor terminology. I can't believe you call her that!

user1479224526 Tue 22-Nov-16 03:12:50

He's always said whatever it takes to avoid an argument with her because he's scared it will mean a backwards step in building a relationship again. But these sorts of messages aren't keeping peace are they, they are either taking peace too far at everyone's expense, or meaningful.

Bogeyface Tue 22-Nov-16 03:19:50

I think he is playing both of you.

He is with you but telling her he loves her and is one of her boys, they are playing happily families and then he comes back to you. He is having the best of all worlds. Her hanging on a string waiting in vain desperately hoping that he will come back to her and letting him play daddy when it suits, and you providing him with the fun childfree life the rest of the time.

Sadly she isnt on this thread because if she was I would address this to both of you......dump his sorry ass and find someone better. She deserves better than him and so do you, but sadly you both seem to view him such a prize that you are both desperate to keep him. He is no prize, believe me.

Whatever he told you about why he left her, it wont be the truth.

YouHadMeAtCake Tue 22-Nov-16 03:21:06

So you've been together what, a year ish? How old are you and how old is he and his ex?

Bogeyface Tue 22-Nov-16 03:21:26

Does he pay maintenance?

KittyWindbag Tue 22-Nov-16 03:28:34

Even if he's just saying those things to her to placate her, as you say, which I'm not sure I believe, it's totally inappropriate and unfair of him to give her false hope. It's also unfair of him to tell another woman he loves her when he is supposed to be with you.

You should leave him. He will be involved with this woman forever. You have no obligation to stay.

Viviene12 Tue 22-Nov-16 03:30:54

What Bogeyface said.

treaclesoda Tue 22-Nov-16 03:39:26

You're referring to your boy, so I'm guessing you're very young, teenagers maybe?

I'm sorry to say that you are fooling yourself if you believe that he is sending her messages declaring his love for her just to be nice to her because he is so soft.

This is what he wants you to believe, because then you are left doubting yourself and he can make you feel like the bad guy. The world is awash with men who paint their exes as emotionally demanding and unstable. And the world is awash with women who find themselves abandoned when the reality of parenthood dawns on their partner. It's not hard to draw the conclusion that there is a link.

You've seen his interaction with her written down in black and white. He isn't some soft hearted knight in shining armour, he is someone who wants to have his cake and eat it. Why would you want to accept being treated like this?

Sptownmama Tue 22-Nov-16 03:45:41

Run away very fast. He is obviously still in an intimate relationship with the 'baby mum' and this will not end. The texts tell you ALL you need to know. Stop living in denial.

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