Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What shall I do ?

(100 Posts)
Loveheart82 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:20:36

My boyfriend of 2yrs left me yesterday. I have a 5yr old who he is Very close to.
He has a temper and gets angry but he's been working on it
Yesterday I found out something he liked about - very trivial - but I pulled him up on it and he started. Pulled my chair I was sitting on and told me to F off in front of my lo so I grabbed my lo and left to go to my friends to diffuse the situation as in the past they've lasted so long
I was gone a couple of hrs and he left me voicemails saying get home or if I don't he's calling the police to say I've stolen his car and he sounded so angry on the phone so I stayed at my friends a bit later
Then he said he was out of here and left?! Packed up all his things and haven't spoken to him as I'm so upset
He's made no effort today
Everything is always my fault never his
I love him but I'm finding it hard believing how someone is supposed to love me but leave me so easily
Just don't know what to do
Feel really down and first time posting on here hoping to get some advice x

Costacoffeeplease Mon 21-Nov-16 14:29:02

He's an abusive arse, stay well away from him from now on

Simonneilsbeard Mon 21-Nov-16 14:34:29

I really don't want to be harsh because I know this must be a horrible time for you right now but this man does not love you.
He verbally abuses you in front of your son.
He's done you and your child the biggest favour by walking out ..keep him out.

Loveheart82 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:34:51

Is it normal for someone to get so angry?
It was over something so silly !
Just don't want to give up on someone I've gone through quite a lot with
And I love him so much
Why does it hurt
I just don't know how to get over him

Simonneilsbeard Mon 21-Nov-16 14:35:53

No it's not normal.
Sorry I realise now it's you who left the home.

Loveheart82 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:36:39

Yeah exactly i left
But in my defence it was because he was angry
And I did return
But in that time he was calling me saying get home now or he's off

Loveheart82 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:38:05

My issue is he shouldn't have left
He's done it in the past and I've told
Him it really hurts
Everything has gone from my flat and he was so angry

Costacoffeeplease Mon 21-Nov-16 14:38:58

No, not remotely normal - and no remorse or apology, just get back or I'm calling the police, or I'm gone?

Just be glad you're out of there, and thank him for showing you the way

Simonneilsbeard Mon 21-Nov-16 14:39:30

I totally understand why you'd left in order to diffuse a situation where your child was present.
So has he now left? Are you back at home at this point?

Loveheart82 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:41:55

To be fair there's never an apology
Just always my fault

I only left to let him calm down
But he takes it to the extreme and leaves

I can't seem to talk to him without him losing his temper or sighing or huffing. I love him but I don't like how he is sometimes
I just don't know what to do to move on

He sent me a voice note to my little one this morning but I'm not happy he shouted and swore in front of her
But other than that no contact

Noodoodle Mon 21-Nov-16 14:42:45

He told you to get home because he didn't want you talking to someone who might make you see how horrible he is. Well done to you for not immediately doing what he ordered. If it's your property lock it and don't let him in. If it's his, find somehwere safe to stay.

He's being abusive, you don't want that around your child.

LesisMiserable Mon 21-Nov-16 14:44:00

I'm in the minority in so far as I don't believe that because someone has a temper problem that means they don't love you.

He may well love you very much, but the fact is he's emotionally not mature enough to have a relationship with you and absolutely nothing you can do can change that for him. He may in time get there himself, he might never do, but certainly there's nothing in it for you if he would kick off then leave every time you have a fall out. Couples need to be able to disagree and yes argue sometimes, but they also need to be able to feel safe with each other to do this. This man does not feel safe and that's why he's run out on you. That's not your fault, it's completely based on his own low self-esteem. Please, please don't try to help or fix him.

The very best thing you can do right now is walk away. If you love him as you say you do, that's honestly the best thing you can do for him. His behaviour will never change unless he loses something important because of it. If you are too scared that you are not valuable enough for him to lose, then you also have low self-esteem. Two people together like this are a disaster waiting to happen and you will rip each other apart because neither of you has the capacity to help the other. This isn't healthy.

Loveheart82 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:44:18

In the past, the arguments would either last hours or he just ignores so so that's why I left to go a friends for a bit let him calm down

He left at 6 and said he's done with me - because he was telling me to come back and I wasn't

He doesn't live with me
( me are in the process of buying a house together )
He took his work stuff as he was staying at mine, all out vitamins that we both take and even my toothpaste which annoyed me lol!

KinkyAfro Mon 21-Nov-16 14:44:19

Think of this as a blessing, keep away from him for your own good. It could be worse next time and what if he starts on your child?

Steamgirl Mon 21-Nov-16 14:45:15

It must be a horrible time for you. But do you really want your LO to be brought up thinking this is normal and reasonable behaviour? the right way to treat the one you love?

I think you don't, judging by the fact that you took your lo and left until he calmed down.

It's happened before, it will happen again if you let it.

Be strong and put yourself and your child first. Not this man.

Steamgirl Mon 21-Nov-16 14:46:39

Oh no please don't buy a house with him. It will get worse.

SandyY2K Mon 21-Nov-16 14:47:36

This man isn't good for you.

He threatens and tries to control you when you argue. Threats to call the police. Threats to leave. Let him go.

You don't need an abusive man, who speaks to you like that in front of your DD.

He has anger management problems and assuming everything else in your relationship is good, then I'd only take him back if he got professional help.

He never accepts fault and he'll continue being this way, as long as you allow it.

MummyWolf79 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:48:30

It sounds to me like you and LO would be far better off away from him. If this was happening to a friend what would you tell them? Probably the same as what I and the posts above are saying, right? I know you love him, but to be honest it doesn't sound like he loves you.

pinkoneblueone Mon 21-Nov-16 14:48:38

I think he has done you a favour in leaving. I would stay well away

Yamadori Mon 21-Nov-16 14:49:48

Don't buy a house with him!

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being shouted at for nothing, being ordered about and having to do as you are told? Imagine what it would be like once you are living together.

Loveheart82 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:51:08

Lesismiserbale
I've burst out crying at your post because I know you are right
I do believe he loves me very much
Like we've been though so much because I've known about his bad temper and anger problems since day one
He's been arrested for assaulting me and I've taken him back as he went to anger management
A year ago this weekend we assaulted me and we've had no violence since ....
He's a very troubled person and has been though a very hard life
He's 40yrs of age, lives at home with his mum and has had a tough few years and lost a marriage and 2 rounds of ivf so he said his life changed when we met me and my daughter....
He assaulted me because he was high and on drink which he has completely given up for me as I didn't know he did it until I found out one night
I've put so much time love and trust into this man it's so hard to let him go but he doesn't seem to be learning

Costacoffeeplease Mon 21-Nov-16 14:53:53

He's been arrested for assaulting you?

Run very far and very fast

Loveheart82 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:56:37

Yes it's my flat and doesn't have a key but he's lending me his car at the moment as mine died
And I have his phone! I called EE to try get it back to my account as I changed it all over last month and I'm on his tariff and share his data but we can't help! so I'm driving his car, have his phone so I'm buggered...
Because we are trying to buy a house together we said we wouldn't put any new credit applications through so now he said he has called the police as I've stolen his car ( I haven't I've been driving or for a few months and he put me on his insurance )
I just don't even want to talk to him but if I ignore him he will just get nasty won't he

Steamgirl Mon 21-Nov-16 14:57:14

I stayed with someone who was troubled and assaulted me. I forgave him because I thought we were in love. He never did it again but I was always scared he would and it coloured our relationship with fear. I look back now and wonder what on earth I was doing.

ocelot7 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:59:02

LesMis does write very thoughtfully but would perhaps have seen it differently now we know how old he is.
2 years of 'sunk costs' (ie you think you should get a return on yr 2 year investment/time with him so need to stick it out) is not sufficient reason to try to continue with this - not fair on your daughter to grow up with such a person nor on you.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now