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Pregnant with ex abuser's baby - need advice :(

(41 Posts)
user1479657614 Sun 20-Nov-16 16:16:21

So I have recently found out that I am pregnant with my ex boyfriend's baby. We've split up as a result of the abuse I received from him not only physically, but mentality and emotionally. sad It is all currently being dealt with by the police who have encountered it as one of the worst cases she has seen in her whole 10 years in the force.
I don't know what to do as everyone is telling me I shouldn't keep it as its his and how i will grow up to hate it because of this, but I don't see how? angry Its my baby too and as horrible as it sounds i couldn't risk him ever seeing the baby just because of what he is capable of. The ex doesn't know I am pregnant due to a restraining order given to police so it's no contact. I'm left mentality and physically scarred from this man. Would it be such a bad idea to keep the child?

Cherrysoup Sun 20-Nov-16 16:21:33

He's going to find out then he's going to want unsupervised contact. He may not get it given his history: are you prepared to risk it? Are you going to be moving away from him? Given you have a restraining order, I take it you're not planning on moving?

HermioneWeasley Sun 20-Nov-16 16:23:38

As Cherry said, if you have this baby, you're tied to this man forever. He is likely to use the child as leverage over you. You may spend the next 18 years fighting to prevent him getting access/contact, or worried sick if he does.

You will never be free of him.

MidnightVelvetthe7th Sun 20-Nov-16 16:31:32

Its up to you. But it will mean you always have a link to him and if he finds out about the baby then he may be allowed access which means you may see him for the next 18 years. Plus as the child grows, if he's allowed contact then he may have the child overnight, take it away on holiday & basically drip feed whatever he wants into little ears. Plus there's no guarantee of him not abusing the child & as a pp says using the child for power playing games with you. The child may be seen by him as a controlling technique for you. Going into the future what would happen of the teen/adult looks like him, would that be OK for your mental wellbeing?

Having said all that though, you're right its your baby as well and its your choice smile

Neverknowing Sun 20-Nov-16 16:32:35

I disagree, due to his past I doubt he'll get a nose in with the child. It's your baby too, you deserve the right to keep the baby if you want to, he shouldn't be able to take anything else away from you!
Well done for getting away from this man by the way, and good luck it sounds like a hard situation flowers

inlectorecumbit Sun 20-Nov-16 16:34:25

he may not know now that you are pregnant but l don't think you could keep the child's existence secret forever.
He will be able to put 2 and 2 together and could demand a DNA test--then you would have him in your life forever.
No one can tell you what to do-it's your life, your story and only you know how you would deal with either option in the future.
It's a hard one---good luck for whatever you decide flowers

OohhThatsMe Sun 20-Nov-16 16:34:27

Can you face telling a child what his/her dad was like? Personally I wouldn't want any connection to that guy at all - he sounds really dangerous.

sykadelic Sun 20-Nov-16 16:41:14

You could try keeping the child's existence from him but if he were to ever find out you had a kid, he could ask for a DNA test, ask for custody and/or visitation, ask the courts to change the child's last name to his (if it's not already).

If he found out you could try telling him you had an affair but it wouldn't stop a DNA test.

If he doesn't think the child is his and doesn't go the custody/visitation route, then what about the risks to you and the child if he thinks you had an affair? Given you said the officer said this is "one of the worst cases" then I wouldn't like to think of the risks to either of you.

If you're willing to move far away in order to avoid the risk of him finding out you have a child then it's possible... but you WOULD live in fear which you could project onto your child. I don't think you'd hate your child, but you would be scared of the risks of him ever finding out, and of explaining to your child why you'll never tell him/her who or what his/her father was and what he did to you.

user1478904621 Sun 20-Nov-16 16:43:08

I've been in your position. i already had a young baby by my ex & found out I was preg a wk after splitting up. I had no support network except my best friend & like everyone else said I was worried I'd be even more tied to him. I was also suffering from PND after my 1st child & she was a difficult baby. I chose not to keep the baby & have had to live with my conscience for the last 20yrs. I did what I thought was best at the time but if I'd had more support around me I think I would have carried on with the pregnancy. As for the comment about the child reminding u of him in the future I don't think is the case for me as my 1st child was only 4 months when we split. She's nearly 21 & is my best friend. I never look at her & think of him. Good luck with what ever decision u come to.

prettywhiteguitar Sun 20-Nov-16 16:43:12

How many weeks pregnant are you ?

I would really consider it, you will never be rid of him if he finds out. I have an ex who was abusive and had to see him every fortnight for the last 8 years, no police involvement but it has affected my mental health before.

SheldonCRules Sun 20-Nov-16 16:46:33

You will have to live with the fact that he will be in your life for the next eighteen years. The courts rarely deny access even if supervised. Can you live with that and having to hand your child over to him?

user1479296630 Sun 20-Nov-16 16:47:43

He will probably find out you are pregnant. Men like this will use the courts to try and get access to the child and therefore you. The family court may grant contact and even if it is limited or supervised you will be faced with 18 years of having to deal with this man. If you want years of dealing with him and the courts then go ahead, if not then don't. I am writing from a position of working in the judicial system.

scoobydooagain Sun 20-Nov-16 16:52:30

You will be tied forever. I wouldn't worry about the baby reminding you of your ex, my ds does look like his dad but that is not a problem at all, he is my lovely wee boy. However I am tied to his dad, I do have minimal contact with the ex, he picks up from an activity and drops at bus stop which is something but not possible with a baby really. My abuse was significant and for a period it was supervised by a male social worker ( not deemed safe for a female social worker) but social work will not stay involved forever. In my case I was unable to get legal help to reduce contact as there was no recent abuse which was because of supervised contact for nearly 3 years! Anyway what I am saying if the dad wants to be involved, you are tied to him in some way for a long time

user1479657614 Sun 20-Nov-16 16:53:37

I didn't think I would be worrying about him knowing as he is expected to be going to jail for at least 10 years with the offences that are against him. He has actually done a runner from this back to his home town in London, but once the police catch up for him he will be going down. I am only 5 weeks pregnant but just the thought of that little baby means so much more to me than he ever did or will.
He is the sort of bloke to accuse me of cheating and denying it is even his, but you are all right. I couldn't bare to see him again, dreading court with him let alone the next 18 years of my life. Is it not possible to get a restraining order on my unborn child too? confused sad

SmellySphinx Sun 20-Nov-16 16:53:42

I can't imagine how awful this situation has been for you and I'm glad you managed to get away from the fucker!

You must be so conflicted and either choice will no doubt be a hard one. I get the inkiling that you are more towards the choice of keeping baby and as you said, why shouldn't you?

He really doesn't have to know but if he were to find out I'm not sure legally what he can and can't 'force' you to do with regards to DNA tests and the like. Maybe it's worth finding out what the legal stance would be first. I wouldn't dream for one moment of telling you what would or wouldn't be the best course of action in this case. If it were me I would not let him know at all, is there any other reason for you to have contact with him ever again? I assume there will be some kind of court case for the abuse you have suffered?

I don't think you would hate the baby at all. The baby may have the look of him but that isn't the babys fault, it may be difficult to deal with but by no means stop you from loving the baby.
The decision is yours to make and 'people' should and will hopefully support you x

ThatStewie Sun 20-Nov-16 16:55:34

Men, even very abusive men, have all sorts of rights in family court. If he were to find out, he would get access as family courts very rarely recognise domestic violence as an actual barrier to parenting. He will be able to use the courts and maintenance to control you (although he can't force you to change the baby's name. That's just silly).

The question is do you want this child? Can you deal with the potential of him in your life for the next 18 (and more) years? Are you in a position to move away from the area? (And change your name so he couldn't track you?).

Women's Aid can help you with practicalities but only you know what his reaction would be and how it would impact you.

I'm so sorry you are in a position where you need to make such a difference. No woman should ever have to deal with this. flowers

user1479296630 Sun 20-Nov-16 17:04:18

You cannot just assume that your ex will go to prison or for how long. It depends on the outcome of the court case and presumably you will be a witness. Even with screens or video link you may not escape someone involved in the case telling him you are pregnant. Even if he gets a 10 year sentence he will be out in 5 years - and a man like this may well try and track you down.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Sun 20-Nov-16 17:20:30

OP, you are in such a hard place, I'm so sorry.
If you choose to continue with the pregnancy, he will find out, in time.
He will try to contact you, or get someone else to get in touch.
He may want to see his baby.
He may get to see the child in a contact centre initially, and if all goes well, try for more.
His family may do the same.
Can you tolerate a life with this man, in it ?
Could he influence your child ?
Whatever you decide to do, is solely your choice, you will make the right decision for you. 🌸🌸🌸

luckylucky24 Sun 20-Nov-16 17:23:23

I haven't been in this situation but if I felt the chances were he wouldn't get access via courts I would go ahead with the pregnancy. A light at the end of the tunnel smile

user1478904621 Sun 20-Nov-16 17:32:27

I agree luckylucky24. My daughter is my gift for putting up with such as arsehole! Luckily she is nothing like him & is disgusted that he abused me. She still has contact but as she says it's only cause she feels sorry for her younger half siblings cause they love her to bits.

ThatStewie Sun 20-Nov-16 17:45:16

The chances of family courts preventing access are virtually nil.

PoldarksBreeches Sun 20-Nov-16 17:50:43

How old are you?
If you're under 30 I would advise definitely terminate. If over 35 I'd advise to seriously consider it but also weigh up options of leaving the area and hiding all online presence from anyone who might know him. It's a life sentence to be honest.

Cricrichan Sun 20-Nov-16 17:51:18

Nobody can tell you what to do but it would be worth talking to someone who knows about what's going to happen to him and his rights.

I'd be tempted not to tell him if I was going to keep the baby though

goddessofsmallthings Sun 20-Nov-16 18:28:49

once the police catch up for him he will be going down

That isn't the case. When the police apprehend him there's no guarantee that he will be remanded in custody until he's tried for whatever offence(s) he's charged with and he could be on bail until the trial.

If he pleads not guilty it could be 9 months or more before he's tried. If convicted, only the judge can determine the sentence and, as another poster has said, he'll be out in half the time of whatever prison term he's given.

In the event that he goes to prison, he'll have access to solicitors and be given legal aid to establish his parental rights and pursue you for access to his child through the family courts and, if it established that he is the father. it's not inconceivable that you will be ordered to make the child available for prison visits.

If it should come to DNA testing, you may be held in contempt of court if you fail to provide samples.

With regard to restraining orders, injuctions are granted for a set period of time after which they lapse. Application can be made for renewal of a non-molestation order (which is what I am assuming you have) but any such application is unlikely to succeed unless he's been found to have been in breach of the earlier order.

You cannot seek a restraining order for an unborn child, nor can you seek an order to keep the father away from the child when it is born unless you can prove that he poses a significant risk to its wellbeing - as he may be safely banged up when the current order expires you'll be on a hiding to nothing in endeavouring to establish that he's a risk to you and/or the child.

Regardless of whatever the father of the child has done to you and regardess of whether or not he's made child maintenance payments, the family courts will not terminate his parental rights and are more than likely to grant a contact order. This may take the form of him intially engaging with the child in the supervised environment of a contact centre and, providing this goes well, extend to unsupervised contact, overnight stays, etc after which he could apply for a 50-50 childcare arrangements order.

How will you feel if the child is required to spend weekends, half of the school holidays, every other Christmas etc with its father, and how will this impact on you and on child itself?

Imo continuing this pregnancy could be the second worst decision you've ever made; the first being your decision to become involved with an abusive man and failing ditch him the minute he revealed his true nature.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 20-Nov-16 18:35:39

as horrible as it sounds i couldn't risk him ever seeing the baby just because of what he is capable of

What you need to understand is that, should you continue this pregnancy, it will not be up to you, or down to you, to dictate terms as you, and the child, will be entirely at the mercy of the family courts who are not particularly merciful to women who have been victims of abuse.

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