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No closure

(16 Posts)
onmybroomstick Sun 20-Nov-16 08:33:43

How do you move on without any closure? When you're just given the silent treatment. 3 years, he's done this once before, just changed and stopped replying to messages/seeing me. It hurt so bad and when he reappeared I just fell back in to his arms. The last few weeks I sensed it was coming and begged for him to just tell me what's what this time, he hasn't. I've given up and do not want to cave when he gets back in touch, which he will, eventually. He's the only person I've properly loved, he's completely changed me, knocked all my confidence. I do not want to put myself in this position again so any advice on how to just accept that the closure I always wanted is never going to happen. I don't like having all the unanswered questions playing on my mind everyday. I feel a lot stronger than the last time but not strong enough to just want to run back when he decides he wants some attention again. I know how pathetic i sound..

Iamdobby63 Sun 20-Nov-16 08:52:27

Try addressing why you feel the way you do about him as he really doesn't sound like he is worth it given the fact that he can't respect you enough to give you a simple explanation.

Without knowing much about him he is coming across as extremely controlling.

Consider that he knows exactly what he is doing and knows that by not having any discussion he knows that you will be blaming yourself and will be very grateful when he decides to pick you up again. Do you really want to be someone's safety net?

Work on making yourself happy. 💐

onmybroomstick Sun 20-Nov-16 09:15:11

He is very controlling and I'm only just starting to realise it for myself. Several friends have always said how controlling he is with everything he does. He knows I cry, blame myself, apologise for things I haven't done. I've done it all wrong, everytime he behaves wrong I reward him with attention and beg for him to forgive me when In reality I've done nothing. In my head it's so clear how wrong he is on so many levels but my heart says different, how messed up I am! Why isn't it as easy as it should be to just forget he exists and not care.

Iamdobby63 Sun 20-Nov-16 09:49:23

How you are feeling now and how you feel when he comes back is a direct result of how he makes you feel about yourself.

I think it will help when you recognise the fault is with him not you. You need to make a conscious decision to break the cycle and realise that you can have a much happier life without him in it.

Ellisandra Sun 20-Nov-16 09:53:00

Seek your closure elsewhere.
You don't want anything from this shitty piece of work.
Do the freedom programme, find a counsellor... something like that is your way to closure.
Closure isn't him deigning to give you some bullshit explanation that blames you for his arseholery.
Closure is you deciding you are worth more than his crap.

onmybroomstick Sun 20-Nov-16 22:34:19

Thank you. I am better than his crap and I'm nearly at 48 hours no contact, I know that's not much but for us it is. This weekend is the first in a year I haven't spent with him and I haven't shed a tear. That sounds so daft but I'm usually a mess, I usually txt n beg n cry about why he won't talk to me. I don't know what he has done to me. I'm feeling strong this time. My only concern is because he hasn't had the usual response he'll reappear much sooner. The last time he did this and I gave up on him he told me he'd left a bag of my stuff outside his flat and to go collect, it was a huge bag of gifts he bought me because I 'deserved them.' I just walked back in his life as if nothing had happened, like I was grateful to be allowed back in. I deserve more than his games that he plays. I want to be strong enough to ignore any attempts he makes in the future and not go weak at the knees. I'm 30 years old how does he have me acting and feeling like a teenager. He's put me under a spell and destroyed my confidence and I want it all back.

Greypaw Sun 20-Nov-16 23:08:03

The silent treatment and push-pull relationships are hell, aren't they. Counsellors say the cycles are known as "idealise, devalue, discard" and they are quite literally addictive. This is why, after the devaluation phase, you crave some kind of reunion so that you get that "one last hit" that alleviates the agony. The trouble is, then you're back into the loop, and each cycle strengthens the addiction.

If you're feeling stronger at this particular point, then that's a really good sign because these relationships can be so totally crushing. When you have a partner who behaves like this, people do say "you have to create your own closure", but no one ever explains how. The best advise I had was to use his own techniques against him - any time I caught myself idealising him I was to stop and begin devaluing him by focussing on all the things that really annoyed me about him, even the trivial, shallow things, until I couldn't think of anything else. That and to get totally stuck into living a life that's just for you.

Dunno if that helps, but yeah. I can totally relate. The silent treatment is all about control and it's utterly unfair of him to hold all the information about why your relationship is at this point, while you are expected to beg and apologise before you're bestowed with some kind of relief. Yuck.

springydaffs Sun 20-Nov-16 23:21:23

Do the Freedom Programme . It will get your head straight in record time.

I've linked you to the 'find a course' page because I suggest you get on one asap.

I wish they taught this in schools!

flowers

FlowerOfTheValley Sun 20-Nov-16 23:22:01

Finding your anger always helps. Focus on his many bad points and the shitty way he has repeatedly treated you.

Closure can be you deciding you deserve better than him and that you won't see him again.

Yes you may want answers but the only one that is relevant is that he's an arsehole.

It is horrendous and you have my sympathy, I've been there, but it will get better. Truly believing you deserve better and improving your self esteem will all help.

Counselling made a big difference for me.

Obsidian77 Sun 20-Nov-16 23:23:35

It's great that you're feeling stronger this time. You know already that closure can't and wont come from him, it has to come from you, but like greypaw says, nobody ever really explains how you do this.
What has changed in your mindset this time? Hold on to those thoughts, the strong ones that tell you this is the last time, that he can't string you along like this anymore.
It helped me to keep really busy and to minimise the chance of seeing him. Go to the gym, do overtime, visit a friend who lives in another part of town so you don't go to places you associate with him. Delete his contact details.
Could you pay for counselling or CBT?
He doesn't deserve to have this control over you.
The bittersweet thing about closure is that it only really comes when you don't need it any more.

LellyMcKelly Mon 21-Nov-16 05:07:40

Oh I know exactly what you're going through. In the end, you have to be ready to leave, and mean it - not just in your words but also your actions. After 2 years of silent treatments, I just never responded when he was ready to forgive whatever I'd done to him that month. I walked away. The relationship had become stressful and boring. I'd stopped being myself - scared of saying the wrong thing in case he withdrew. Good luck. Men like this are like cold sores - a bugger to get rid of, but you feel much better once they're gone.

pklme Mon 21-Nov-16 05:35:40

Enlist your friends. They know he is controlling, get support from them to stay away. Get one of them to stay with you if he gets in touch, and collect your stuff. It's like an external brain to keep you regulated when yours is a bit off balance.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 21-Nov-16 05:52:37

If he really cared about you as a human being with feelings, rather than as a toy whose buttons he can press when he's in the mood, he'd never treat you like this. You know why he does it? Because he can, and because it works. If it stops working he might drift off immediately to another victim, or more likely first off he'll go for Plan B, the one where he does the crying and the begging. It won't mean any more than Plan A - it's just a technique to get you back in the hamster wheel. Hang onto the thought that you're nobody's hamster.

onmybroomstick Mon 21-Nov-16 07:22:17

Ahh thanks everyone was nice waking up to read them replys and knowing I'm not the only person it's happened to. Makes me feel like I'm such a rubbish person not worthy of being treated with a bit of respect. As much as I know that's not true his hold over me certainly makes me feel that way. Haven't spoke to him since Friday night, i know I can keep it up now it's just if I'm strong enough to ignore him if/when he makes contact. I do keep reminding myself of his bad points, something keeps popping up to make me smile when I think of him though. This is what I need to lose. It would be so much easier to have a big argument with him and walk away at least I'd be angry then with something to focus on. I don't want to think of him!! The push pull is such a head fuck. I've already made plans for this weekend coming with the friends I've made excuses to for the past I don't know how long. I'm trying to do all the right things but I'm concerned I haven't been upset, is it all gonna come crashing down when I think I'm ok and put me back a few steps.

Greypaw Mon 21-Nov-16 10:11:04

It sounds like what you're describing is a head vs heart situation. You're angry, you want to tell him you're angry, you want him to stop doing what he's doing, probably you just want this to be a decent relationship and want to be able to express all these things and perhaps sort it all out. I think that's really understandable. But on the other side, your head is telling you quite rightly that none of this is ok, that you're being disrespected, psychologically tortured and you are worth far more than this shitty treatment.

I honestly believe your head is your best friend here. You do deserve better. I wonder if there is a way to buy yourself some time so that you can do some of the work of getting over him before he cycles back round? Focussing on the bad is a really good technique, perhaps every time you think of something that makes you smile you can make yourself remember one of the harder realities? Can you block his number so its hard for him to contact you? With any luck he'll find out he's been blocked and go into another snit, which will buy you more time.

onmybroomstick Wed 23-Nov-16 22:09:45

I miss him tonight, can't think about anything else. Trying so hard not to reach out to him. It's only giving him what he wants and il feel a million times worse when he ignores me. I've been so strong until now. This is horrible

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