Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

He was doing his duty!

(19 Posts)
midnightsnacking Sat 19-Nov-16 23:10:29

So my husband of 24 years left me ) weeks ago got an employee of his. Ten years younger than me. I'm trying to be ok. He has never discussed bring miserable. He told me he didn't love me and walked out. His mum told me today that he had told her that he was tired of going hid duty and just couldn't stand it any longer. Gulp.

CremeBrulee Sat 19-Nov-16 23:20:12

So sorry you are going through this. Don't listen to whatever he's telling his Mum. He's thinking with his cock and making up excuses for what everyone around him will know is utterly shitty behaviour.

flowerswinechocolate

mumofthemonsters808 Sat 19-Nov-16 23:23:22

Good God, what a spineless bastard he sounds, if he were my son, no way on this earth would I do his dirty work for him, I'd have forced him to tell you himself.As for doing his duty, he should of thought about this before he said his marriage vows, especially the death do part bit.

Twenty four years is a long time to be with someone and you're going to go through a huge period of readjustment, it really is life changing, but you'll get through it, you're not alone and there's lots of advice on here.Once your state of shock has worn off, I'd start making some plans.

amammabear Sat 19-Nov-16 23:24:15

Damn. I wasn't quite at 24 years with mine, but had been my entire adult life, and not many years less than 24. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice, but we're here x

GingerIvy Sat 19-Nov-16 23:29:07

I'd be knocking chats with his mother on the head too. hmm

ravenmum Sat 19-Nov-16 23:31:47

What did he even mean? That he was fed up with being a decent person as it was just too much hard work?

These arses all do it the same way. It is him, not you.

TheNaze73 Sun 20-Nov-16 07:43:07

It sounds like he felt like he's being going through the motions & the spark that men need had gone.

Horrible thing to hear & to have happen to you. Hope you get through this in time flowers

midnightsnacking Sun 20-Nov-16 08:22:01

Thanks all. It was hard to hear. He has a cruel side. I hadn't realised the spark had gone, I was still trying my hardest, bloody fool that I am

Thattimeofyearagain Sun 20-Nov-16 08:25:20

flowerswinechocolatebrewcake he is a cock.

Im0gen Sun 20-Nov-16 08:29:06

Stop talking to his mother

And keep posting here, we can't fix it but we can hold your hand

Iamdobby63 Sun 20-Nov-16 08:35:43

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Yes, please ignore his mother, these are just excuses to try to justify his behaviour. Top and bottom line is you should work on a marriage together if it's struggling or talk about it so both parties are aware of issues, not stay until one finds someone else.

You will be ok, hold your head up. If he has a cruel side she is welcome to him and you are better off without him. 💐💐

StreetFighter Sun 20-Nov-16 08:38:39

I'm so terribly sorry, Midnight. What a cruel man your husband is. And frankly, it was pretty cruel of his mother to repeat his spineless "excuses" to you.

He will be saying all manner of things right now to defend his indefensible actions, including rewriting history, and casting you as in some way responsible. It's not true. None of it. This is all on him.

It's funny - the actual infidelity isn't always the worst part of the betrayal. The lies and cruelty post it, are so, so painful.

flowers Do you have any RL support?

Hermonie2016 Sun 20-Nov-16 09:02:55

To justify his leaving he has to make you the bad person, otherwise others will just see a weak man.

As hard as it is, be strong and don't try to get him to change his mind.At the moment he may be feeling exhilarated but slowly he will start to feel the losses.

I think when someone has an affair they assume the new partner will have all positive traits of the wife but then be much better.The reality is over time he will realise what kept you together for 24 years was a good compatible and it's hard to replace that.

It is a grief process, my h left 5 weeks ago (not sure if there was an OW except I couldn't do anything right) and I am less tearful than I was.

I have a few people I can talk to but have learnt to avoid others (well meaning but seem to try and find ways I was responsible so it can be fixed).

Also when you are really upset, go for a walk, ideally in a quiet place where you can sob if you want, but it helps to restore the emotions.Also top tip from this site, crying gives me a headache so drink lots of water.

midnightsnacking Sun 20-Nov-16 09:59:48

Thanks everyone, I have so many gorgeous friends who are completely behind me. Many of them have said in the past and now that they didn't like how he treated me and I was becoming quieter and quieter. My head knows it wasnt right but my heart is going argh!!! I'm starting counselling tomorrow. I really want to be me again xx

StartledByHisFurryShorts Sun 20-Nov-16 10:06:43

Good luck with your counselling tomorrow. 24 years is a hell of a long time to just end suddenly. It's OK to feel devastated no matter how much better you are off without him.

As for counselling, is it NHS or private? Have you had counselling before? I ask because it's OK not to 'gel' with a particular counsellor. My experience is that counselling works better with someone you get on with. And if you find that counselling isn't working for you, try to find an alternative counsellor rather than dismissing the whole idea. (Possibly completely unnecessary advice, sorry.)

midnightsnacking Sun 20-Nov-16 10:11:31

No that's good advice . I met her last week and really liked her. I think it will be good. I just need to get my head around what has been done to me. Take care of the kids. They worry about me and I don't want them to.

SandyY2K Sun 20-Nov-16 10:24:27

I really want to be me again xx

That's brilliant.

Don't communicate with him unless it's for necessary child related or divorce matters.

So that he knows you aren't pining for him and waiting around, considering filing for D otherwise he'll drag his feet and you'll be stuck in limbo land.

StartledByHisFurryShorts Sun 20-Nov-16 10:31:21

How old are your children, Midnight? I think it makes a difference to how you handle this with them.

As for his arsewitted "doing my duty" remark, he's rewriting history. See, he's not the bad guy for leaving you. He's the good guy for staying with you all those years when really he wanted to be off fucking younger women. What a fucking hero. angry

midnightsnacking Sun 20-Nov-16 10:48:03

I love that!! He deserves a medal for all the years of being waited on hand and foot. He is trying to rewrite the past but no one is believing him, the truth is people love me. Not him. Still doesn't make me feel any better. My kids are university age. Bright compassionate kids, they want nothing to do with their dad. But I'm not trying to distance them at all from their dad. He was a good dad to them .

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now