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We've been together around 14 months - is it strange that we've never talked of 'the future'?

(19 Posts)
ladylouanne Fri 18-Nov-16 12:52:16

I've posted a couple of things about my relationship previously on this forum. In summary, we've been together for a bit over a year. It's a bit of a relationship at a distance due to where we both live and work but we see each other pretty much each weekend and talk/text every day in between.

We've had several weekends away during this time and a couple of week long holidays. Everything has been lovely - we make each other very happy, he treats me very well, and we are in love.

The only problem is, I don't have a clue where we are heading. We're just at the end of a week's holiday and I can feel my heart sinking at the Thought of returning home to the weekend arrangement, after being together all the time. I think I might find this easier if I had a sense that we were both committed for the longer term but I don't know if this the case. He's done nothing to suggest he isn't, but equally hasn't talked of the future either.

Am I expecting too much to be having this conversation by now? The reason I ask if that up til now he has definitely moved at a slower pace than I experienced in the past, and there were times in the earlier days when I was very frustrated at how long it took for him to say he loved me etc. I just don't know if it is me who is too impatient and if I just need to relax a bit.

ZoFloMoFo Fri 18-Nov-16 12:53:56

Well, why have you never started "the talk"? confused Why are you waiting for him to initiate it?

donajimena Fri 18-Nov-16 12:58:05

You need to have the talk. We had ours very early on. My fiance is divorced and I have never been married. I'd like to get married one day. I needed to know if we were on the same page.
I guess it depends on your age too. Be prepared that he may not want a long term future (he may but who knows) it will save a lot of time and heartache.

ladylouanne Fri 18-Nov-16 13:00:16

So, good question. A couple of reasons really. Firstly - being honest - because I'm scared I won't like the answer I get (he is very much an 'in the moment' person and I can entirely imagine tht he hasn't really thought about it. Secondly, because I can't actually see my way through the logistics of making a change. Our jobs are settled etc!so whilst I'd like to know he is committed, I'' not sure anything could then happen in the foreseeable future.

trevortrevorslatterfry Fri 18-Nov-16 13:04:12

You need to have it out, even if you don't like the response.
I went on like this for 6 years!

Normandy144 Fri 18-Nov-16 13:13:23

Without wishing to be too blunt, assuming you find out you are on the same page and he wants a future together, then one of you will have to move. I'd be having the conversation sooner rather than later.

ladylouanne Fri 18-Nov-16 13:14:17

I could easily see this going on for years!

Age isn't really a pressure factor - we're both mid to late forties so this isn't about planning a family or anything like that. I'd just like to think we can plan other aspects of our life together.

TheNaze73 Fri 18-Nov-16 13:38:40

You need to ask him then?

Why Dick about for years, dodging the inevitable if you think you'll get a bad response?? Surely it'll be worse for you in the long run if that's the case? He sounds happy & content in the moment, you'd not be rocking the boat asking. Even though it's only 14 months in, I think it's a legit question.
Good luck op

Allofaflumble Fri 18-Nov-16 18:43:35

Or waste eight years like I did. Finally call it a day and him skipping into a new relationship weeks later! That's hard to stomach. Have the conversation or it will eat away at you but bear in mind you can still be strung along if he is just saying what you want to keep the status quo.

HandyWoman Fri 18-Nov-16 18:48:58

Do either of you have kids?

ladylouanne Fri 18-Nov-16 22:24:48

Handy, I have one DD who is now away at uni. He has no kids.

mamakena Sat 19-Nov-16 01:47:07

Coming back from a trip is a good time to raise the issue, as in 'we had such a lovely time and it's been so wonderful being together... what kind of future do you envision for us?' His response will tell you what you need to know. If he changes topic or gets annoyed or shifty, that's also a response.

citybumpkin Sat 19-Nov-16 08:23:23

I echo Flumble. Strung along for 3 years and then I compromised to move closer to him (not live with him). Another 3 years and then I could live with him. After 3 years living together he ended the relationship and rapidly moved in with someone else. All along I was having the conversations but he kept stalling. Have the discussion now, otherwise you will be waiting years, hoping he will say what you want to hear. Good luck OP.

Lonecatwithkitten Sat 19-Nov-16 08:28:26

Lady I agree I think you should start the conversation. My OH and I had part of the conversation on our first date, namely did either of us want children in a future relationship. Fortunately neither of us did, but had wanted to it would have been unfair to pursue the relationship.
We have since had other conversations about what we are both looking for in the future. Again we both seem to have the same outlook.

Squeegle Sat 19-Nov-16 08:32:02

Well, what do you want to happen in the future? If it is eating you up you need to ask. If you don't get the answer you want you would do better to confront it rather than to have it eating you up inside. It's hard, but I think you know this.

Crazycat1980 Sat 19-Nov-16 08:40:47

I had this talk two months ago and it ended up with us breaking up.
I still don't know whether I regret pushing things but ultimately he wasn't giving me what I wanted.
I cannot possibly predict what he will say but make sure you are prepared for his answer, I wasn't.

Ellisandra Sat 19-Nov-16 09:18:08

There is only one answer: talk to him.

At your ages (and no plans for a family) it's perfectly possible to be 100% committed to a future together - but be happy that that future means living apart. Which doesn't suit everyone.

ladylouanne Sat 19-Nov-16 12:56:47

I really appreciate everyone's comments. All I really want to hear is that he is committed to the relationship lasting - I have mixed views myself on whether I'd want to live with a man again, let alone marriage. For example, I have some thoughts about a few things I'd like to do next year and want to know if we can make plans together.

I'll brace myself for the conversation!

Myusernameismyusername Sat 19-Nov-16 13:10:48

I think that's a reasonable expectation really, doesn't seem you are asking for any giant changes - I would feel the same. It's too easy to drift along, knowing he was feeling the same could bring you closer together in that sense. If he doesn't want the same then please don't agree to anything you won't be happy with. Hopefully it will all be ok and it's just that he didn't think you 'needed' to talk about it as in, he was already just doing it.
Good luck

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