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Had enough of parents and want to avoid them at Christmas

(15 Posts)
sadandanxious Thu 17-Nov-16 20:00:54

Sorry this is so long but I don't want to drip feed.

For as long as I can remember my parents and I have had a strained relationship. When I was 13 I ended up in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship which put me into a really bad place and I ended up taking a lot of it out on my parents because I didn't know how to tell them or how to cope with everything that was going on. My dad and I would get into the most horrendous rows, I would say some really hurtful things and he would say some hurtful things back. There was lots of shouting and swearing on both sides and he physically threw me out (as in picked me up and threw me out the door) more times than I can remember. Sometimes he would hit me and I would retaliate and other times I would end up hitting him first and he would retaliate. One time he called the police on me and threatened to try and charge me for assault. The police told me off and told me I was very lucky he didn't want to press charges. My mum never said anything in these situations and always made me apologise to my dad despite him never apologising to me.

When I was 17 a friend of mine died in a car accident and I couldn't handle the grief. This eventually led to the breakdown of my relationship with the abusive guy I got with at 13. I have never told my parents any of what went on with him and things didn't improve with them at all. A few months later we got into an awful argument about me coming home late (I got back about 8 pm instead of 6 pm for dinner). My dad threw me against the wall with his hand around my throat and told me to "fuck off out of his house".

A while later i was sexually assaulted by somebody who I thought was my best friend. I struggled with the feelings surrounding that for months and ended up in a deep depression and started self harming. About 6 months after it happened I told my parents. My mum's response was "well you haven't seen him since then so what's the problem? Why are you even thinking about it right now? Well he didn't rape you so what's the issue?" That massively damaged me as I already beat myself up about why it bothered me and how it could've been worse etc. My dad on the other hand didn't say a word.

I moved out shortly after that and haven't lived with them since. We mostly get on okay and my dad is really good to talk to about most things now - as long as you don't massively disagree with him about something. When I was 19 I got with another guy who was abusive - he was emotionally abusive, broke my nose, raped me and was overall an awful person. We ended up (stupidly) getting engaged but thankfully never married - due to some amazing friends I had at the time who helped me work through it all (including my now DP who has genuinely been my best friend for so many years now). My mum was awful when we split up - she thought she was being helpful but her comments just made me feel worse. My dad on the other hand was amazing and really helped me emotionally get through it all.

I feel like despite the fact we get on now I still hold a lot of resentment over the past and still hold a lot back from them - including my recent mental health spiral, seeing a psychiatrist and subsequent diagnosis of EUPD. We see each other maybe once a month if that and I always find it really stressful seeing them. I hold a lot of responsibility for the things that happened between us and it makes my feelings confusing and difficult to deal with. They never make the effort with me. They complain they never see me but they never call and since DP and I moved into our new place a year ago they've visited once and only because I moaned they hadn't been here. Some of the comments my mum has come out with have been horrendous including ridiculing my 5 year old stbDSD for having speech problems - though thankfully she's only ever said anything to me, not DP or my stbDSD - she'd be NC if she ever ridiculed DSD to her face!

They only seem to call when it benefits them and I've had enough. The last time they called was because a fine had gone to their address for me (goodness knows why it went there!) And they were worried if I didn't pay it they'd have bailiffs knocking at their door. Then when they called me about that they moaned about my DP (who has a joint condition) saying he couldn't go ice skating with them when we see them next and saying he was a spoil sport - fwiw he'd absolutely love to join us but he physically can't and it wears him down emotionally that he can't do that things he used to enjoy without my mother making him feel worse!!

Re Christmas they always expect me to go down there, I've never not spent Christmas with them. This year DSD will be with her mum so I'd really like it to just be DP and I. I don't want to see my family as Christmas with them is always incredibly stressful - they spend lots on random crap we don't ask for and I find mum thinks because she spends lots of money it makes up for emotionally not being there. I don't know how to tell them though as I do mostly get on with my dad now. In some ways I wish I could just see my dad and not her. Part of me thinks we should just lie and tell them we have DSD and don't want to drive her 3 hours on christmas day so it'll just be the three of us.

I'm really struggling mentally atm and the most recent phone call from my mum has made me feel even worse and like she really doesn't care about us. I'm half tempted to just say you know what, just f off, DP and I are having a quiet Christmas and you can go away.

Cricrichan Thu 17-Nov-16 20:06:48

I'm not sure. It uses like you're blaming them for not knowing or doing something about the abuse, even though they didn't know. I honestly think you should sit them down and tell them what happened to you. It will hurt them but it will help them understand why you behaved like that and that it wasn't about you or them, it was about the abuser.

I'm glad you've got a lovely dp and hope that if you're open to your parents that you can also have a nice bond with your parents.

Cricrichan Thu 17-Nov-16 20:07:24

*seems not uses

OohhThatsMe Thu 17-Nov-16 20:17:08

I'd tell them you're having your step daughter - unless they would ask to come to you?

fc301 Thu 17-Nov-16 20:18:41

They may be your parents. But they really don't have your back do they? Your emotional needs over the years have been an inconvenience to them.
Certainly your DM sounds emotionally unavailable. And they are both selfish.
You are starting to realise all this (well done! It took me till I was 44!). Thank goodness you have a supportive DP.
You are an adult with your own home & family. You deserve the Xmas you want.
I've read the following which helped:
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.
The emotionally absent mother - Jasmin Lee Cori
Children of the self-absorbed - Nina W Brown
'Stately Homes' thread here on MN under Relationships.

sadandanxious Thu 17-Nov-16 20:22:10

Right cric so I should tell them about the abuse despite their response to be me being sexually assaulted? I'm sure that'll go well... Not!

oohh not a chance theyd ask to come here - it's too much effort.

Thanks fc

fc301 Thu 17-Nov-16 20:22:45

PS the police were way out of line. No matter who hit who first your DF really crossed a line with his behaviour.

fc301 Thu 17-Nov-16 20:25:17

I'm certain that Cric means well but is operating under the assumption that your parents are 'normal'.
Emotional abuse is very difficult to understand if you've not experienced it. I was IN IT AND DIDNT RECOGNISE IT!

GooseFriend Thu 17-Nov-16 20:25:48

A nice bond with the parents that chucked her as a child out of the house, belittled a sexual assault and we're physically violent... what?

Tell them you and dp are having a Xmas together and just repeat that fact over any complaints. It'll be hard but it's the truth and they don't deserve you running yourself ragged for them.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you!

sadandanxious Thu 17-Nov-16 20:27:18

Thanks fc ive had such bad experiences with the police. I tried to report my "friend" for sexual assault and the police officer refused to even take a statement, said it was my word against his and despite the fact he did all bar piv they couldn't see the issue. I have serious issues when it comes to trusting the police and / or believing what I feel is real.

sadandanxious Thu 17-Nov-16 20:29:00

X -post. Unmumsenetty hugs are most welcome Goose

I do feel lying will be easier for my sanity - sort of, at least there will be limited fall out

GooseFriend Thu 17-Nov-16 20:30:43

Fair enough then do that. I think you should lie with a clear conscience though (if you know what I mean) as you're doing it as an act of self care.

SeaEagleFeather Thu 17-Nov-16 20:41:04

BPD turns up for a reason. Not always connected to parents, but often. Sometimes that are causes that are not connected with them, but mostly they are.

In your situation it sounds (from what you have said) that the relationship has always been strained the subtle undertones from early have been contributory. Trust is a huge problem, usually because you've been severely let down.

I think right here, in this situation, you should acknowledge that your parents are not what you want them to be, as well as sometimes being good people. You should talk to your DP and see what he wants. You should express your fears and what you'd like to see happen, if possible, and plan how to manage what might go wrong. Then, frankly, put your own wishes first.

You also need some skilled and long term therapy, since you have BPD. I do not say this unkindly. Once you realise that your responses are sometimes off-key, you need to learn ways to control that for the sake of the (healthy) people you love and for yourself.

But ask your DP to support you in not jumping to your parents' tune. They love you clearly (even more clearly in your fathers' case) but there is past history that cannot always be forgotten and ... You have your life now. Here and now, with the people who are wholly good for your. Grieve the hurt, the desire for wholly loving parents, and trust the people who are truely good in your life.

However.

You can make your own decisions now, your DP sounds like a real star and their inability to adjust to the current situation is -their- problem not yours.

sadandanxious Thu 17-Nov-16 20:41:57

I get what you mean Goose I feel bad for lying but I don't feel able to tell the truth as I know they won't appreciate it. I don't know if that even makes sense though. I don't want to end up feeling bad on christmas day. I feel it's supposed to be about family but I'm doing my utmost to avoid mine. Although i do feel DP is the best part of my family so I guess I shouldn't feel too bad.

SeaEagleFeather Thu 17-Nov-16 21:11:39

Sometimes you can't help but feel bad on christmas day.

too much romance, too many illusions about a day that in the end, is a construct of the media and really shit for people with family that push you down.

Plan a lovely day with your Dp that you will both enjoy and tactfully offer your apologies to the rest of your family of origin. New traditions can be a very good thing.

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