Sorry this is so long but I don't want to drip feed.
For as long as I can remember my parents and I have had a strained relationship. When I was 13 I ended up in an emotionally and sexually abusive relationship which put me into a really bad place and I ended up taking a lot of it out on my parents because I didn't know how to tell them or how to cope with everything that was going on. My dad and I would get into the most horrendous rows, I would say some really hurtful things and he would say some hurtful things back. There was lots of shouting and swearing on both sides and he physically threw me out (as in picked me up and threw me out the door) more times than I can remember. Sometimes he would hit me and I would retaliate and other times I would end up hitting him first and he would retaliate. One time he called the police on me and threatened to try and charge me for assault. The police told me off and told me I was very lucky he didn't want to press charges. My mum never said anything in these situations and always made me apologise to my dad despite him never apologising to me.
When I was 17 a friend of mine died in a car accident and I couldn't handle the grief. This eventually led to the breakdown of my relationship with the abusive guy I got with at 13. I have never told my parents any of what went on with him and things didn't improve with them at all. A few months later we got into an awful argument about me coming home late (I got back about 8 pm instead of 6 pm for dinner). My dad threw me against the wall with his hand around my throat and told me to "fuck off out of his house".
A while later i was sexually assaulted by somebody who I thought was my best friend. I struggled with the feelings surrounding that for months and ended up in a deep depression and started self harming. About 6 months after it happened I told my parents. My mum's response was "well you haven't seen him since then so what's the problem? Why are you even thinking about it right now? Well he didn't rape you so what's the issue?" That massively damaged me as I already beat myself up about why it bothered me and how it could've been worse etc. My dad on the other hand didn't say a word.
I moved out shortly after that and haven't lived with them since. We mostly get on okay and my dad is really good to talk to about most things now - as long as you don't massively disagree with him about something. When I was 19 I got with another guy who was abusive - he was emotionally abusive, broke my nose, raped me and was overall an awful person. We ended up (stupidly) getting engaged but thankfully never married - due to some amazing friends I had at the time who helped me work through it all (including my now DP who has genuinely been my best friend for so many years now). My mum was awful when we split up - she thought she was being helpful but her comments just made me feel worse. My dad on the other hand was amazing and really helped me emotionally get through it all.
I feel like despite the fact we get on now I still hold a lot of resentment over the past and still hold a lot back from them - including my recent mental health spiral, seeing a psychiatrist and subsequent diagnosis of EUPD. We see each other maybe once a month if that and I always find it really stressful seeing them. I hold a lot of responsibility for the things that happened between us and it makes my feelings confusing and difficult to deal with. They never make the effort with me. They complain they never see me but they never call and since DP and I moved into our new place a year ago they've visited once and only because I moaned they hadn't been here. Some of the comments my mum has come out with have been horrendous including ridiculing my 5 year old stbDSD for having speech problems - though thankfully she's only ever said anything to me, not DP or my stbDSD - she'd be NC if she ever ridiculed DSD to her face!
They only seem to call when it benefits them and I've had enough. The last time they called was because a fine had gone to their address for me (goodness knows why it went there!) And they were worried if I didn't pay it they'd have bailiffs knocking at their door. Then when they called me about that they moaned about my DP (who has a joint condition) saying he couldn't go ice skating with them when we see them next and saying he was a spoil sport - fwiw he'd absolutely love to join us but he physically can't and it wears him down emotionally that he can't do that things he used to enjoy without my mother making him feel worse!!
Re Christmas they always expect me to go down there, I've never not spent Christmas with them. This year DSD will be with her mum so I'd really like it to just be DP and I. I don't want to see my family as Christmas with them is always incredibly stressful - they spend lots on random crap we don't ask for and I find mum thinks because she spends lots of money it makes up for emotionally not being there. I don't know how to tell them though as I do mostly get on with my dad now. In some ways I wish I could just see my dad and not her. Part of me thinks we should just lie and tell them we have DSD and don't want to drive her 3 hours on christmas day so it'll just be the three of us.
I'm really struggling mentally atm and the most recent phone call from my mum has made me feel even worse and like she really doesn't care about us. I'm half tempted to just say you know what, just f off, DP and I are having a quiet Christmas and you can go away.
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Had enough of parents and want to avoid them at Christmas
14 replies
sadandanxious · 17/11/2016 20:00
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