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Those of you who left EA relationships

7 replies

whatminniedidnext · 17/11/2016 19:08

.... and went to Court, did you find they believed you?

.... if you didn't go to Court, did you find agreeing separation terms difficult?

I am leaving an emotional abusive XP who is predictably being an arse even via solicitors re: finances etc. Just wondering if it is worth taking him to Court if it came to it.

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whatminniedidnext · 17/11/2016 19:10

I should mention the police were called on one occasion as he grabbed me violently and bruised me.

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Donatello68 · 17/11/2016 22:29

What - you will be believed. I started divorce proceedings against my abusive XH. It is very liberating telling people and being believed. It takes their power away.

Get a very good solicitor who will work on your behalf. Going to court is a very expensive and drawn out process and should be avoided, if you can. Good luck What! I never thought that I would get to this point. I have done it - you so can too.

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Enough101 · 18/11/2016 06:41

I have left the relationship recently. He is still in the home. The abuse has been ramped up since I told him and, like you, being believed is my main worry. Not because I want anyone to do anything about it, I just want to get away from it in one piece. I am going to court as we have DCs and he will not discuss the arrangements for them going forward. He is making my life absolute hell with malicious allegations, including involving the authorities. All I can do is hope that the truth will out. It's been really tough and frightening. Women's Aid are good, maybe try them for support if you haven't already. Even just to validate that you will be believed. Big hugs to you and well done for making the best decision of your life. Xx

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GreenRut · 18/11/2016 06:54

Hi OP. I have some experience with this. From my understanding, the court part of things will not focus on the abuse if it was /is towards you and not the children. I personally think it's outrageous that this is the case because surely it goes hand in hand that someone emotionally abusing you is probably using the same way to manage their relationship with their children, and even if not your children will have no doubt been exposed to seeing him abuse you.

So from what I see, if you're going to court over finances, the judge isn't going to say ok you should get x because he was abusive, it will be a case of them looking at it objectively and saying what proportion is fairest, I guess based on the childcare arrangements going forward. I have not been through this myself though so I'm hoping someone who has might come along and tell you if this is the case or not.

For the being believed part, my best friend is going through this right now and she has found great support from women's aid so do give them a call if you can. Even though we saw she was being abused for many years and she knew it deep down, the relief she found when someone with nothing to gain confirmed for her that she was /is in fact a victim of domestic abuse has given her enormous strength.

Good luck op, it's daunting and terrifying but you can and will break free.

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whatminniedidnext · 18/11/2016 07:07

Thank you for your replies. Enough that sounds awful: my ex has been good so far with access to the children (keeping to the times / days we have agreed) but essentially I wanted a larger split of the equity in our house, which he is refusing despite being a high earner and able to buy mortgage free with his share whereas I am a SAHM to our two very young DC and unable to obtain a mortgage right now. He also wants to keep the family car despite me putting money towards it out of my tiny savings, which means I then have no vehicle (he has another car). Everything in his letters via solicitors is controlling, as he has always been basically. He is also quibbling the amount of child maintenance he will be paying and asking me to deduct his travel costs!

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Simonneilsbeard · 18/11/2016 08:11

I left an EA relationship just over 5 years ago. I went to court to get a non molestation order and I was believed.
But the abuse escalated after about 6 months of him leaving the home, malicious allegations to ss being the main thing since he couldn't actually contact me directly..he did everything he could to regain control of me. I'm so thankful to women's aid, definitely contact them x

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whatminniedidnext · 18/11/2016 10:10

Wow Simone that is horrible, I'm sorry to hear that. My XP has previously claimed ( when we were together) he would tell people I was a "shit mum" and would try to get 50/50 custody etc - so far he hasn't tried this but it is early days in the separation and it wouldn't surprise me if he does resort to disgusting tactics like that. He is losing control and doesn't like it. I have started reading Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" and it is enlightening, if somewhat painful, reading.