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30 day no contact/opening up for happiness

(42 Posts)
Unrequitedlove Thu 17-Nov-16 08:24:48

How is everyone doing?
We started the 30 day no contact over the summer then Opening up for happiness thread shortly after.. I was apple.
I'm ok, moving on still, definitely do not want ex back and recognise how badly he treated me.
Would love to hear how others are doing..

Crazycat1980 Thu 17-Nov-16 08:53:02

Hi I think I was briefly on that thread.

I've just finished 30 days NC and still b much DO want him back...

hmm

Flurple Thu 17-Nov-16 10:23:19

Hi unrequited, I was on this thread and the original, I failed at no contact and am now in an awkward state of limbo with my ex.

The thing about this is I'm happy and although I don't know how this ends (but I have a strong feeling it involves me crying into a bottle of wine and a tub of ice cream) I'm enjoying it for what it is right now.

Glutton for punishment comes to mind.

donerwillbehere Sat 19-Nov-16 08:03:51

OMG ...... I was in this thread in the summer ...... Flurple I remember you ........ Stay strong ....... How are you all doing ?????

It is hard and coming up to Christmas and the dark nights you do think about them ..... I will briefly fill you in I was NC was doing pretty well . He made contact ( unknown call ) I was hooked back in. Same behaviours still there constant need to be adjhored ..... I said was fine with a casual thing ...... Wanted to concentrate on studies finishing off BA and then teacher training .... He didn't like that so usual behaviour OLD ...... He said he wanted to get 12 steps done and counselling finished . Funny really he needed me more then I needed him ...... He did turn nasty and as I reminded him he contacted me ........ Dig deep ladies it is hard really hard ..... Try and find pleasures in the little things ........ I am looking forward instead of back and making little changes subtle ones ..... Thinking of you all ...... I have to say when I think about him I think of him wearing a ladies dress this thought makes me smile ....... He is 6ft 4 and pretty big ........ But emotionally a very small very small child xxx flurple always post on here ??!!

Angleshades Sat 19-Nov-16 09:07:58

Hi unrequited. Glad to hear you're doing better now smile

I too went nc this summer and kept it up. I'm so glad there was no further contact. I'm in a much better place now. My social life has taken off, my world feels like a much brighter, happier, calmer place without drama. I'm looking forward to Christmas and all the wonderful things I have planned with family and friends.

It's only now that I'm being myself again that I realise what a dark place I was in. The fling I had during the summer was very damaging at the time and I really wish I'd never met him. Although there has been no contact he has been telling lots of lies about me to anyone who will listen and some of it has filtered back to me through friends. There's nothing I can do about it really so I'm choosing to ignore it and get on with my life. He really is a very sad, lonely and pathetic individual. I wish I had got to know him better before dating him as I wouldn't have gone there in a million years had I known the real him. Lesson learned there.

Anyway the future really does feel bright and full of promise. There is so much to look forward to and I can't wait for the new year, I have lots of trips away planned.

I hope everyone else is looking forward to Christmas and to happier times ahead. KOKO everyone, you will get there.

Flurple Sat 19-Nov-16 15:26:46

I'm so glad to hear everyone's updates and to see how you're all doing now.
Doner and Angel, thanks for the updates, you both sound like you're doing really well smile

donerwillbehere Sun 20-Nov-16 10:06:32

Help hand holding please for some reason having a really bad morning been up early feel quite weepy ...... I have that miss him much feeling ..... Havn't felt like this for a while .... Weekends are hard ....... Need to stay focused look forward not back .... How is everybody else ..... Flurple good to hear from you ...... Angel words of wisdom please hmm

Angleshades Sun 20-Nov-16 10:53:07

Doner sorry you're having a bad morning. I had quite a few in the few weeks after going nc. Here's how I got through it. I made sure I had something planned for every free weekend I had without the dc. I said yes to every invitation out somewhere, even if I didn't feel like going. I made sure I was busy during the times I was by myself at home so that I wasn't sat there overthinking. I put in more overtime at work so that I was busier (and could pay for the extra nights out grin). I made sure my calendar was full so that I always had something to look forward to.

All of the above worked for me and has put me in a really good place. That's not to say I haven't had bad moments and wondered 'what if'. But on the whole I'm happier now. NC really is the best way forward. I couldn't be doing with all that toing and froing and messing about. When it's the end it's best to recognise it and move on as best you can. It takes time but with perseverance you end up in a much better place.

Someone posted a link to a website here on a previous thread and this really helped me too. Might not be for everyone but I found it a massive help actualised.org there are some interesting videos on there about why we get stuck in bad relationships etc.

Angleshades Sun 20-Nov-16 10:54:21

Sorry that should be actualized.org/categories/relationships

donerwillbehere Sun 20-Nov-16 11:25:41

Thank you angel ....... I will certainly take a look ....... I suppose I am reflecting more because .... The tram crash that happened. Ex brother in laws brother died and I have been with the family this week, children have gone to dads , I think I am on my own , overthinking and feeling sorry for myself ........ House is silent. Anyway off to take the dog for a walk and throw myself around the front room (keep fit smile) thank you appreciate X

Unrequitedlove Wed 23-Nov-16 08:08:27

Morning all. Good to hear your updates. I had a big birthday recently and caved and contacted him sad just general text, he replied with happy birthday, I stupidly sent him a pic of my birthday night out, he replied looking good, then nothing.
It's especially hard as I had a miscarriage earlier this year, it was a long distance relationship so I'll never see him again. I feel sad and annoyed I 'put myself through that' but I thought we were going to be together.. was planned. I'm 40.
I'm annoyed he is probably already with someone else, he was sending innaproptiate messages to my best friend (we're no longer friends) .. I feel it has impacted my life (having miscarriage)..
I was his rebound from marriage split.
In the end he ruined my self esteem, said I did 'nothing' for him and went back 3.5 hours never to be heard from again. I was depressed following miscarriage. I'm ok as only that 1 contact on my birthday otherwise nc but Xmas last year I was with him( and happy)

donerwillbehere Sat 26-Nov-16 16:56:52

Un ..... You probably were depressed after miscarriage maybe still are especially now you have spilt ..... I feel maybe you should talk to someone maybe a counsellor to help you . Happy birthday !!!

2016 is coming towards an end .... Make plans and do things for yourself .... Write them down in a post it and put them away .... Get them out in a few months and see if you have done them ...... Will give you a focus for next year ....... What plans do you have for the Christmas period ? Any nights out ?

Questionsaboutthings Sat 26-Nov-16 22:27:37

Hello, just wondering if I can join in with the 30 day no contact thing as I'm trying to get over someone, it wasn't anything serious but I really liked him and it's affected me mentally a bit. Just need to be strong and draw a line under it.

Unrequitedlove Sat 26-Nov-16 22:32:40

Yes true re possible depression. He told me he has met someone else today. It is hard. No contact is definitely best.
Question- keep strong.

donerwillbehere Sun 27-Nov-16 06:47:21

Question of course you can ...... Stay strong keep your mind occupied ..... Make plans .... Say yes to invites ...... Even though you may not want too ..... Look at Natalie Lleu ........
If you need to rant, cry do it here .....NC is best ..... No looking at social media it will make you feel worse ..... If you get the urge to contact ..... Find a door shut it with fingers init ........ smile you will just feel like pants if you contact .......flowers

Unrequited ..... Have you thought about goin to the doctors and have a chat with them ?
Look forward ..... Not back ....... Please keep to NC ..... Otherwise you are self sabotaging you recovery ......
What are you doin today ? It does get better slowly but it does holding your hand .....

Questionsaboutthings Sun 27-Nov-16 11:56:11

Thank you! I've been trying hard this week and not contacted since Monday. It's difficult because it's been left a bit in the air and I have a feeling he'll be back at some point I just don't know when, and I've been driving myself a bit mad thinking about it confused.

It wasn't really a very healthy situation but I felt such a strong connection and I'm finding it hard to move on and stop thinking 'what if' and wondering if it's worth one more shot. I've fallen into the trap of looking at his social media most days even though I know it's making me feel worse. I haven't done that today though and I'm going to give myself a gold star for every day I manage grin.

Just hoping if I can manage 30 days I'll have a much better perspective on the whole thing. I don't feel ready to let go and say it's totally over but maybe I'll be stronger after a month of cold turkey.

Unrequitedlove Sun 27-Nov-16 12:59:21

Doner. Yes I'll make an appointment.
Very scared to keep repeating destructive patterns and making bad choices, which I clearly have. On the whole I'm ok, hadn't messaged for a long time and made that mistake after guess what.. alcohol sad
My own fault.
Question, it is difficult but it's very early days for you. How are you today?

Questionsaboutthings Sun 27-Nov-16 15:49:28

Hi unrequited, I'm ok thanks. I haven't done any online stalking, go me! I just feel a bit empty though sad. I want that feeling to go away, I seem to be stuck on this and it was never really going anywhere but I haven't felt like that about anyone for a long time.

Unrequitedlove Sun 27-Nov-16 17:05:01

That empty, numb, alone feeling is awful but does pass in time when you start to get enjoyment out of life again and they fade into the past.
The online stalking is so hard not to do- we all do it!
I deleted exes number from my phone but wrote it down (could quite get rid of it). Yesterday that went in the bin and the text I and he sent are now deleted.

Unrequitedlove Sun 27-Nov-16 17:05:28

Couldn't

Questionsaboutthings Sun 27-Nov-16 17:53:57

Thanks. Rationally I know it will pass, just feeling a bit vulnerable atm. I keep having conversations with him in my head blush. Ridiculous.

Unrequitedlove Mon 28-Nov-16 01:36:37

Ok so I've just found out my ex was having an affair, our baby was due last month and I find out he's getting married next month! To say I'm devastated! On my hands and knees in grief

donerwillbehere Mon 28-Nov-16 05:36:00

Unrequited ...... What a bxxxxxd so he is a cheater ? Not worth your time ..... I know you can't see it you had a lucky escape ..... If he couldn't give you the respect when together and finish it like a real man and move on instead he had to have someone in the wings ...... To me shows a weakness ....... I think it is time now to grieve for your losses ...... Whoever you got the info from ..... Please tell them you don't wish to know about him anymore ...... Time to put yourself first ...... I know this is so hard .... Please please pick yourself up NOW I am sending you hugs and holding your hand ...... Read anything you can about getting over relationships .......... Keep posting on here ....... Maybe seek some help over miscarriage and him ....... Counselling really helped me ....... One day at a time ..... What are you dong today ????

donerwillbehere Mon 28-Nov-16 05:38:14

Questions ...... It will pass ....! You may find that you will have 3 good days and 2 bad ...... Keep gong it will be worth it .......: I had a. Wobble yesterday ........ Now I am ok ....... KOKO .......

Angleshades Mon 28-Nov-16 08:00:38

I'm sorry to hear that Unrequited flowers wine. Time to mentally kick him to the kerb now. No more stalking on social media, no more contacting him. Get rid of every last trace of him, take a deep breath, your new better life starts right now.

Cry if you have to when you're having weaker moments but in your stronger moments force yourself to get out of the house. Take a long walk, call a friend, arrange to do something with a friend or family member that will occupy your mind and stop you thinking of the past. When your alone at home put the tv on or radio on in the background while you keep busy. Constantly keep yourself distracted.

Within a couple of months you should be feeling much better and stronger. I do think you need some counselling with regard to losing your baby as it has hit you hard and it sounds like you're struggling with that. Don't reach out to the ex though as he is not going to help. He has moved on and reaching out to him will set you back in your recovery.

This isn't going to be easy but with perseverance you can get there. You will look back on this part of your life one day and think 'why on earth was I so upset over that loser' and you'll laugh about it. Life can be good again. But you have to push for it.

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