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Nurture your relationship when you have small kids, how??

(17 Posts)
wildlingtribe Tue 15-Nov-16 21:09:27

We're in a rut. We have four kids aged 6,4,2,7months. We have no time for ourselves let alone each other. Then intimacy is out the window.

What do you do to nurture your relationship? Make sure you're still a couple along with being parents?

We feel so out of balance.

He also feels the way in regards to intimacy more so, sex too. I'm so tired it's not even on my radar but he takes offence!

I think intimacy is more than that too, but time is short, we get stuck in a rut and it also puts the whole house off balance/ not as happy.

Tips?

RainbowBriteRules Tue 15-Nov-16 21:52:36

With 4 DCs and the youngest 7 months?! I'm definitely not qualified to give tips I'm afraid. You must both be exhausted. Is there any chance of you getting any time alone (just you, I mean, not necessarily as a couple)? Or is that a distant dream at this stage?

allthatnonsense Tue 15-Nov-16 21:54:24

Regular, small acts of affection and kindness towards one another.

Kindness begets kindness.

Ledkr Tue 15-Nov-16 21:59:11

Eating dinner when kids in bed and st the table so we can chat.

I know it sounds stupid but we love watching series together.

We text each other a lot. Not necessarily romantic but jokey ones about work and kids (we both have warped severs of humour)

I dint worry too much about the lack of sex as long as it's good when we do manage it and we know one day it will be as important as sleep again!!

wildlingtribe Sun 04-Dec-16 23:19:34

He sees sex as a big part of a relationship where as I think intimacy is more so. Esp when we have small kids. Tiredness etc, small acts of love but he takes it personally

wildlingtribe Tue 20-Dec-16 09:03:04

Well it's still not a better situation. I can't ever seem to have any interest. We rarely be intimate in other ways even the simplest of ways. We're very rarely without the kids and even when they're in bed the baby is awake, and then feeding in the night. 3yo has a new trend of waking up at 5:30 so tiredness is at a high!

I can see his point that it's a part of a relationship, physical side of it but it's not everything. But he doesn't seem so keen on the connection side of things from my point of view.

How we've got in this rut after ten years is mad. But I guess four small kids will make changes.

LiveLifeWithPassion Tue 20-Dec-16 09:15:45

The connection side of thing is important. It's hard to want to be intimate with someone you don't feel connected to even if you're not exhausted.
I agree with the allthatnonsense - small acts of kindness and affection.
What do you and he do to show each other your affection?
Do you just sit and talk? Or do anything together? Even watching tv?

wildlingtribe Tue 20-Dec-16 10:03:38

Talk but I sometimes feel like I'm talking to myself, as he's got his phone in his hand doing something. Or I feel like I'm talking too much.

We sometimes have great chats, but sometimes it's when he's had a drink. (I don't drink) and I just feel like it's a pointless conversation when Ones half cut.

I just get the impression that if we're not having sex intimacy then he can't be bothered. We cuddle but then he'll initiate when I'm just not in the mood. I said the other day (which turned into a argument) that how would he feel if he was so exhausted, his body has changed so much, sex was painful, and your sex Drive has gone and you're ashamed of it. He had no answer.

We watch tv, but usually he will go on his phone so then I end up working on my computer. We attempt a DVD but then the baby wakes, I said we should try a Boeing board game and do no tech nights, massages (which he will initiate something after) then he says well we need to be a couple too, not just parents.

It's like we've really lost our way along the ten years. He has a high sex drive , he does a great role in our family, helps with the kids but I've always been the night feeder etc, so I will feel more tired plus I'm anaemia still (8mpp) but he can't see it from my view.. he just takes it personally. And gets quite moody and snappy after not having any for a week.

farfarawayfromhome Tue 20-Dec-16 10:16:40

you have 4 kids, be kind to yourself. i have one, work FT and we still have to work at it!

Anything you can pay to outsource, do it…cleaning, ironing etc. we have a nanny who babysits once a week and she’s a godsend, but even having said that, we’ve been so busy with work and in the run up to Christmas that we haven’t been out together for around a month.

How much time do you get to spend doing things you enjoy, alone? This may sound counter-intuitive but regular time apart really helps us too. I’ve just had a weekend away alone with friends and came back a new woman.

we don't have a connected TV so once DD is in bed that's our time together to catch up and be peaceful..i recommend it.

LiveLifeWithPassion Tue 20-Dec-16 10:22:45

No tech is a good idea if he's ignoring you for the phone. Massage is a good way to get reconnected too. It could help with intimacy and lead on but if sex is painful and you definitely don't want it, then it may not be such a good idea.
Have you seen a gp about why it's still painful?

I think it's important to have some time to yourself too. For both of you. Even if it's an hr a week each to start off with. Go and see a friend, go for a swim or a walk.
You need space and time for yourself to just be you. Find some calm and space.
You can put energy into your relationships and family when you're not feeling totally lost as you, if that makes sense.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 Tue 20-Dec-16 10:34:38

don't have four small children can't imagine how tiring it must be for you, but in our case I try to treat him as I want to be treated and it normally works. Eg. if I wish he would greet me affectionately when I get in from work, I make sure I disconnect from work in the car and come in with a smile and a kiss for him. Just small things like that really... he makes the bed even though he thinks its unecessary but knows its important for me. Puts hotties in mine and DDs beds to warm them, small things just to say I am busy, but I do still care about you and think about you

SparklingPearls Tue 20-Dec-16 22:39:39

I have two, the youngest being 5 months.

SparklingPearls Tue 20-Dec-16 22:46:17

I didn't finish from my previous post. I'm sorry.

You have four, you are still together and doing great!

It's been the MOST testing year for my Relationship but communication, honesty, respect and of course, love is key, the littlest things can sometimes mean the biggest. Time together and also time to yourself is important.

I've heard it gets easier with age! wink Hang on in there.

wildlingtribe Mon 09-Jan-17 08:01:15

Still out of balance. Lack of sleep making us bicker. I say things I don't mean out of reaction to his lack of empathy or his sarcastic remarks.

Today has been that way so far and I see a pattern of worst sleep making me worse and him he just seems to be moody when he's not had a any intimacy/sex time. For all of three days.

I'm at the point where I don't think we're going to find a balance sadsad

Offred Mon 09-Jan-17 09:48:42

I have four. After we had the twins (older two were 3 and 4) we didn't have sex for 18 months. I have a high sex drive but there were just too many children and too much work. When we ultimately split it was because throwing unexpected twins into the situation meant we just didn't pull together.

If he had been moody, pestering and a grump because he wanted sex AT ALL, never mind more than every 3 days then we would have been over much quicker.

Offred Mon 09-Jan-17 09:53:51

And I've dated since splitting... I am more of a three times a night kind of person naturally but there is just no way given the extreme tiredness and all the work after the twins were born I would have wanted that then. I think it's really disrespectful and a sign of shitty priorities (extreme selfishness in his approach to sex) that he doesn't recognise that the priority is getting through this time as a partnership and he is instead stropping about feeling entitled to get sex.

Anyone who thinks sex is something you get for yourself from someone else is an abusive dick IMO.

Offred Mon 09-Jan-17 10:03:23

And no, I don't think you will find a balance if he is set on believing he is entitled to sex whether you want it or not and he is not prepared to put any effort into nurturing the relationship at all.

The only way you would be able to find an acceptable balance would be if he accepted that sex is off the table at the moment, that he needed to invest in the future sex by nurturing the emotional and practical parts of your relationship now and he just lets you take the lead on sex but even that may not work now because there is a history of him bullying you for sex and it will be hard to trust him now.

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