Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

The grim acceptance and sadness that my husband is horrible to me....

(89 Posts)
EasyToEatTiger Mon 14-Nov-16 18:56:12

Where did it all go wrong? It seems that throughout our relationship my husband has had real hints of nastiness. He punched me nearly 20 years ago because I didn't share his point of view. I have felt often as though I have been around to cook, clean and fuck. Today he said he wished I were dead. Of course everything is my fault. We have 2 gorgeous dcs. My husband has always had a habit of picking on someone to vent. Before me it was a dog. I am feeling very sad and vulnerable. He said he would prefer to live alone and I agreed. I am certainly not perfect but I don't expect to be told emphatically that I am an abject failure who has never had a proper job and I'm useless and I don't look after my family. He used to criticise me heavily and tell me I should be able to take criticism. I said it was not helpful. Anyway, he didn't agree. I am painting a picture of a monster, which is not entirely accurate. I saw his behaviour today as that of a frightened child.

YokoUhOh Mon 14-Nov-16 19:01:41

Perhaps it went wrong 20 years ago when he punched you,OP

Have you agreed to split? Your 'D'H living on his own sounds like an excellent idea to me.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Mon 14-Nov-16 19:02:01

Life is too short, get away from him now.

KarmaNoMore Mon 14-Nov-16 19:08:15

I really think that when he can tell you he wishes you were dead you really need to accept that your relationship is well and truly over and move on.

Of course, like many
Married people you can choose to stay, or join one of the many support threads for people in dead marriages, but honestly, I think you will be happy if you call it a day.

It is more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

memyselfandaye Mon 14-Nov-16 19:11:19

Frightened child? Bollocks, he's a nasty shit who picks on people/dogs who can't fight back and stand up to him.

EasyToEatTiger Mon 14-Nov-16 19:35:43

The door was wide open when he left his first wife. I am particularly frightened because I grew up with a dad who was a ferocious bully and suffered eating disorders and severe depression as a result. I have suffered, and my work prospects have been profoundly damaged. When everyone else was out finding jobs and things to do, I felt that nobody would ever want me for anything. So to find myself married to a man who thinks actually nothing of me feels particularly poignant.

ShebaShimmyShake Mon 14-Nov-16 19:47:04

It's never too late to cut your losses. Dear God get away from this abusive turd.

EasyToEatTiger Mon 14-Nov-16 20:22:21

I really thought after years and years of therapy and treatment that I wouldn't end up with a shit. I thought I was better enough than to land myslelf with a bit of lowlife. He doesn't understand that groping doesn't involve consent. He says it is showing affection and as his wife I should accept it. So I am wrong and mad. He has also moved parts of my body onto his body for his own satisfaction. I just find his behaviour really really odd and I cannot begin to understand where he's coming from. I have never ever met someone who does sex at me until I met him. I cannot understand when it is ever ok to criticise someone for something they do or their way of doing it. It can only end badly. Anyway I'm looking at the gov divorce papers. I can't print them out at the moment because my dc will get them off the printer. I am really shocked that I am doing this.

EasyToEatTiger Mon 14-Nov-16 20:24:32

I also have a contact at WA which I will revive. I have no idea where I am going to live or if anyone will buy our house, or how I will live with the dcs and rather a lot of animals.

cheapskatemum Mon 14-Nov-16 20:31:20

EasyToEat when DCs are in bed and while you're at the computer, Google The Freedom Programme. I used to make all sorts of excuses for my (D)H's behaviour, but from the 1st FP session (it's a course that informs women about all the ways controlling men manipulate and abuse their partners), I realised that he's not special, just abusive.

cheapskatemum Mon 14-Nov-16 20:33:17

X posted! WA run The Freedom Programme, they can also give you and DCs refuge. Not sure about all the animals though.

PickAChew Mon 14-Nov-16 20:50:39

Him living alone is probably the best idea he's ever had.

PaulDacresConscience Mon 14-Nov-16 21:23:59

Well done OP. It sounds like you are taking tentative steps towards getting your freedom.

Re: the animals, have you got friends or family that could step in and help temporarily? If not then talk to independent local rescues (not the RSPCA). Mine has fostered for people in situations like yours before, until living situations have been sorted out.

EasyToEatTiger Tue 15-Nov-16 09:12:37

These steps are tenative. I have the FP books and have read through them. It is a really isolating experience so I would prefer to go to a FP with real people who are going through similar things. I have booked myself onto one. It would be good to get the house on the market although it's in a bit of a mess as we haven't been able to do much apart from get a new roof. I have also booked an appointment with a therapist who we saw together. We have been to untold marriage guidance and I think I have been blinkered about my husband's behaviour. It took a child psychiatrist to prize open my eyes and all you lovely people on MN. I am very frightened. My family think my husband is marvellous. I think my husband is a cruel and bitter man.

tallwivglasses Tue 15-Nov-16 09:45:33

You might be surprised to hear what your family really think, not that it matters. I'm so glad you're waking up to his cruelty. He wishes you were dead? Tell him he's dead to you and you want out. Nasty little loser that he is.

EasyToEatTiger Tue 15-Nov-16 10:13:23

Today I told him I am thinking about having a conversation with the police. There is a paper trail building up. Months ago I told the schools that our relationship was in trouble and I have had contact with WA. I take wishing death on your spouse as a threat. I'm in no doubt that he calls it Only Words. I really think he has gone too far. AIBU to contact the police? Or is that just mad?

GreebaHouse07 Tue 15-Nov-16 12:43:39

If you feel genuinely threatened by his behavior then you should go to the police with your fears. You should also contact a women's refuge and find out what they can offer you by way of help support and advice. He sounds like a really nasty piece of work and you and your children deserve better and whatever temporary hardships there may be it will be worth it when you realise that you don't have to worry about his abuse and threats in your own home. Could you perhaps ask someone a good friend or reliable family member to come and support you whilst you ask him to leave your home? If you fear his reaction could be physical assault then obviously don't do this - but it would be even more proof to yourself (if you need more) that it is necessary to remove yourself and your children from the whole situation. Citizen's Advice or contacting a local solicitor who deals with legal aid funded cases would be a step in the right direction to help you find out what you can do and who can help you. Good luck.

GeekLove Tue 15-Nov-16 12:54:25

You've posted about him before. He really is a pieces of shit. I'm glad you are making plans to leave him - I know it's not going to be easy but it sure as hell will be an upgrade compared to where you are now.
If what you say is true there are so many reasons you could go to the police. Death threats are the tip of the iceberg here.

EasyToEatTiger Tue 15-Nov-16 13:35:05

He has not threatened to kill me, just said that he would prefer that I was dead. At the moment I feel very frightened and physically sick.

RedYellowPinkandGreen Tue 15-Nov-16 13:46:50

OP, I remember earlier threads. I am sorry things are still bad but glad that you see the need to do something.

I see you have had some helpful posts. I just wanted to ask about the counsellor you have made an appointment with. When you both saw her previously did she recognise the abuse in the relationship? Did she encourage you to work on things? Just wondering if she is the right person to help you.

flowers

AgathaF Tue 15-Nov-16 13:57:36

I', glad you can see him for what he is. A nasty, cruel and manipulative bully. Now, what are you going to do with this information? Hopefully leave him. He doesn't deserve you or your family, but you do deserve a calmer, happier life without him.

Please speak to the police about him. But don't tell him. He is not your friend. He does not have your best interests at heart. Se keep your cards close to your chest. Get the advice and support you need and get yourself and your DC away to a new life.

RedYellowPinkandGreen Tue 15-Nov-16 14:01:42

Sorry you are feeling so frightened. Can you speak to someone today, WA, police, family etc, about how to keep safe?

EasyToEatTiger Tue 15-Nov-16 16:10:11

Thank you all for your support. At least I am getting my ducks in a row. What I really, really need now is a job, then I have absolutely no reason to stay. Today I have been so shocked that I haven't known what to do. I have been literally dumbfounded. Silenced.

EasyToEatTiger Tue 15-Nov-16 20:51:45

Just spoken to the police. I feel like a fraud as though I'm making things up.

AgathaF Tue 15-Nov-16 22:07:20

Well done. That's a big and positive step on the way to your new life.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now