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I am the scapegoat

(16 Posts)
mawi Mon 14-Nov-16 11:30:36

I have realised this and have begun dealing with it. I have stepped outside the role that was assigned to me and shook everyone to the core. My DH is delighted that I have finally opened my eyes (he is in the process of dealing with his own issues about his parents).
I have had no contact with my mother for a couple of months and the flying monkeys were used but didn't work thanks to many hours reading MN. Thank you all. You help so many people who never even post.
My family are toxic except DB and he and I get on great. He is the golden child now as the rest of the family are NC with our mother.
My sister (2) was the original golden child but there was an argument with our mother years back. So that started the rift in the family, sister was angry with those who wouldn't take sides etc. Half the family speak to one side, half the family speak to the other and I speak to my DB and only him as I realise the rest are toxic.
DB ended in golden child status by default. There was a pecking order and we all knew our place. I was second last and DSis (1) was last. DSis (1) died a year ago by suicide which of course has caused the whole family devastating pain and made me realise how toxic the family is. Even our grief couldn't unite us. Everyone knew DSis had mental health problems so she was not the scapegoat. I wouldn't toe the line and do what I was told by a sister who was 3 years older than me so I was the bad one. The rest of them idolised her and I could see through her and so we never got on. Now I know the our mother put sister (2) into this position as she didn't want to parent us.
Our father sexually abused me at 13. He beat us regularly, he was a nasty horrible bully. He died this year but none of us had seen him for years. Our mother is so proud that she can say he never hit her but she let him beat the shit out of us to save herself. We were poor or so I thought, we never had nice things, were force fed food we didn't like as that's all we could afford but our mother had approximately 40 pairs of shoes at any given time and went to bingo 3 nights a week and my father was in the pub the same amount if not more.
I remember being in town with her and not being allowed a treat but her buying yet another pair of shoes and being told to not tell your father. But the next day I was force fed porridge until I threw up because there was nothing else.
I don't even know why I am writing this, I think I just want a record for myself that I can read over and add to.

Evilstepmum01 Mon 14-Nov-16 11:44:40

Have you had counselling? I highly recommend it. Theres a great thread on here called 'but we took you to stately homes' which is all about toxic families.
I too am the family scapegoat and shook off my twin sisters idea of who I should be. It wasnt easy, nence the counselling but now I have a good relationship with both my parents and one sister.
I'm glad your DH is supporting you, that makes a huge difference! good luck x

mawi Tue 15-Nov-16 11:42:24

I am actually waiting for counselling to begin. I honestly don't think any amount of counselling will heal the rift in the family as I am not the only one who needs counselling. I know I am not perfect, I was told often enough but I am a decent person with a big heart full of love that my wonderful family and friends can see and appreciate me for who I am. I refuse to be the bad guy anymore. I have learnt that no matter what I do or say it will never be enough as my mother got what she needed from me by being mean and making me work for her love. I am better than that. I deserve love just for being me, I am loved just for being me and I would not put up with this from my DH so I will not put up with it from her because she gave birth to me.

MsPrincessLeia Tue 15-Nov-16 22:56:40

Hi Mawi. I haven't read your thread in detail, because I didn't have to. I am 'The Scapegoat', my younger Darling Sister is 'The Golden Child'. We absolutely adore each other, and are both super-mutually supportive. I am researching counsellors now, for me, for all sorts of reasons. MN was the reason I even began to understand Narcissistic personality disorder. It has been an amazing source of support. You don't even have to explain that much, it is now so recognised, I would imagine, but I am a bit of a new poster. All I can say is it really stings to shoulder the blame for all the family dysfunction that you did not cause. Big Hug to you. x

MsPrincessLeia Tue 15-Nov-16 23:12:54

Mawi, I have now read your OP in detail. Oh My absolute F-ing God, you have been through hell on earth you poor thing. "I don't even know why I am writing this, I think I just want a record for myself that I can read over and add to".

Yes, you do know why you are writing this, you absolutely, totally, DO know why you are writing this: Cry for help. I promise you, you will get it here. I am a MN baby, and it has been a life saver for me.

But, minus the sexual child abuse, my child hood was NPD Scapegoat-Golden Child text book. I was blamed for every single mistake my Incompetent Parents made.

Lots and lots of love and support to you. x x x

OnTheRise Wed 16-Nov-16 08:24:27

I am actually waiting for counselling to begin. I honestly don't think any amount of counselling will heal the rift in the family as I am not the only one who needs counselling.

Counselling isn't intended to heal the rift in families; it's intended to help you. The person going through counselling. And if you work hard at it, and have a good therapist, it will help enormously.

You can't force anyone else to go into therapy but grab everything you can for yourself. It's such a huge help, and you've had such a terrible time. You really do deserve better, and I do hope you get the help you need.

mawi Wed 16-Nov-16 15:09:17

Thank you for your replies. It is so strange that people understand as most people I know have not been through it so have no comprehension of not wanting to continue the dysfunctional relationship with my family. I have spent years trying to make them love me but no more. The sad thing is losing extended family as the refuse to believe any of it. It's sad but not enough to make me choose to continue on the path that I have being on for years. I am starting my new life now, it'll be hard but worth it when I come out the other end a stronger happier less stressed person.

fc301 Wed 16-Nov-16 19:14:48

Poor you. well done fir reaching an understanding of the dynamic. This will help you to KNOW - ITS NOT YOU!!
DB & my roles switched about 5 yrs ago (no idea why). I literally could do nothing right, my (D)F could barely look at me. Not a problem now as I am NC and MUCH happier.
Take care, and get some help x

Cheeseandbeansontoast Wed 16-Nov-16 21:25:12

I am a decent person with a big heart full of love that my wonderful family and friends can see and appreciate me for who I am. I refuse to be the bad guy anymore. I have learnt that no matter what I do or say it will never be enough as my mother got what she needed from me by being mean and making me work for her love. I am better than that. I deserve love just for being me, I am loved just for being me and I would not put up with this from my DH so I will not put up with it from her because she gave birth to me

^^
This. You believe in yourself and that's half the battle won. That. whole. paragraph. Inspirational flowers

Mlb123 Wed 16-Nov-16 22:16:01

You have had a terrible time, but your strength will get you through this. I think it is truly the right decision to have no contact with the toxic members of your family as they will bring nothing positive to your life. It is hard and I have had some experiences quite similar to yours and it is hard to get past it all and be free of the anger of being mistreated by those who you should have been able to trust and be treated with love by. Stay positive and I hope you can find some help with it all xxx

mawi Thu 12-Jan-17 14:09:33

I have just had my first counselling session. Got on really well with the counsellor, we definitely clicked so that's a good start. I have a regular appointment for the next 6 weeks and they will then extend it if I feel I need more. Scared, exhausted and delighted all in the one go.

Joysmum Thu 12-Jan-17 15:37:17

Good luck. In my experience, the session that makes you most feel like you don't want to go anymore is the turnaround g point and I really needed to go the the following ones. It got harder before it got better as it opened old wounds before it gave me the coping strategies.

Thought I'd mention it just in case you find the same. If I hadn't been pre-warned I'd have stopped going.

mawi Thu 12-Jan-17 15:52:44

Thank you for the advice. I didn't know about that. I have being exhausted all afternoon. Feel deflated.

Joysmum Thu 12-Jan-17 16:50:52

Understandable, but seriously, write yourself a letter if you have to to remind yourself of your committee that to go.

I'm so glad I stuck things out and had that warning. You can do this, it's worth it to ultimately feel better flowers

Joysmum Thu 12-Jan-17 16:51:17

*Commitment to go

Sorry about that blush

sarahnova69 Thu 12-Jan-17 16:55:25

I have being exhausted all afternoon. Feel deflated

That's common and in many ways a good sign, because what counselling does is drag the messy painful stuff up and help you PROPERLY deal with it, not just cover it up.

Stick with it, but make sure you do something nice and loving for yourself after each session - long bath, peaceful walk, coffee with a friend, whatever nurtures you. flowers

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