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So tired of walking on eggshells

(35 Posts)
MadJeffBarn Mon 14-Nov-16 00:47:48

Me and dh have been together 8 years. We have two children together.
All the time I've known him he's had anger issues. For the most part I know how to navigate him, but sometimes I just have to bite back. Tonight is a prime example of how ridiculous he can be. Watching one of his dvds and it starts to skip. He gets up, huffing and puffing, and tries to fix it. It's still skipping, so he throws the dvd case across the room. I turn my back and pretend to be asleep so he doesn't start. He eventually gets into bed, and punches the bed above my head. Because my back was turned I asked him what he did, and he tells me he punched it. We've had a bad day anyway so I tell him not punch our stuff, to which he goes fucking nuts. I chose to turn my back and pretend to go back to sleep while he's still yelling but secretly seething. I've decided to wait until he's asleep before going for a cigarette and I notice he's thrown my phone on the floor too. He gets so pissed off if he feels like his stuff is being disrespected (despite us not having watched this particular film for about 5 years and we've had a house move since then it's clearly me who's scratched the disk) he is incredibly disrespectful to my stuff. If I leave something on the kitchen side I come back to find its been moved or thrown away because it's 'messy' yet I wouldn't dare even tidy his stuff away. He's broken kids toys by throwing them across the room in anger, earlier this year he broke a knuckle by punching a wall because he needed a doctors appointment for something but I dared try to tell him it would be shut at 10pm on a Saturday and I wasn't trying hard enough.
On top of this he doesn't work, instead he's trying to work at what he loves to do, which is fine, but if I were to say 'don't punch our bed because I would have to be the one who pays for it (again)' it would be met with aggression.
His only saving grace really is that he's a good dad. Although when I really stop to think about he's an okay dad. He gets up in the morning with them, makes them breakfast, helps with bedtime but spends most of the day on his phone ignoring them. I can't remember him ever taking them somewhere fun without me begging him too.
Problem is, I just can't kick him out. I cant pass him on to his mum, as he's so hard to deal with, nor will be take responsibility for himself and get a job. Most likely he'll plead and beg until I take him back or take an overdose for sympathy.
I've never admitted this out loud about our relationship and it's making me feel so sad, and so angry, but so defeated.

user1479082159 Mon 14-Nov-16 00:57:50

So sorry you feel like this. I know you say he has angry issues but could you try speak to him or organise a night out just the two of you?

goddessofsmallthings Mon 14-Nov-16 01:00:46

His only saving grace really is that he's a good dad. Although when I really stop to think about he's an okay dad

How can he be an okay dad if "he's broken kids toys by throwing them across the room in anger"?

He's not going to change while you're facilitating his unacceptable and unreasonable behaviour. Tell him to leave. If he overdoses that's his choice and NOT your responsibility.

DonaldStott Mon 14-Nov-16 01:20:22

I just typed a big post out and deleted it. All I wanna say, is that if you're walking on eggshells, get the fuck out , cos it ain't gonna improve

Montane50 Mon 14-Nov-16 01:22:10

'Try to organise a night out' im staggered by that suggestion!!
Hes a crap dad and worse partner. Why on earth would you want to salvage anything with a man who sounds like hes an animal? Leave him before he hurts you

LadyB49 Mon 14-Nov-16 01:28:44

I spent 22 years walking on eggshells and not leaving because he'd take an overdose. When I left he didn't take an overdose !!

QuoteMeYouFuckers Mon 14-Nov-16 01:42:58

He's not a good dad (or even an OK one) if he makes the mother of his children feel afraid and disrespected. Neither is he a good dad if he throws and breaks the kids' toys in anger.
Chuck him out. What he chooses to do with himself after that is his problem as a result of his own behaviour. If he takes an overdose then he's chosen to do that to himself.
Chuck him out because you don't want your dc growing up thinking this is how normal relationships work and that this is acceptable behaviour.

Ahickiefromkinickie Mon 14-Nov-16 02:17:00

user are you for real? hmm

It really does sound like he's a child, OP (an angry abusive one) because you say you can't pass him off to his mum.

You have no responsibility for this man child. He will never work out what he loves to do.

How dare he punch the bed near your head? Did he punch the mattress?

Chirstmascake1 Mon 14-Nov-16 06:24:44

This is domestic abuse.

ishouldcocoa Mon 14-Nov-16 06:29:05

Start planning to leave him. He's going to get worse.
Go and see a solicitor if necessary, but just GO.

AnyFucker Mon 14-Nov-16 06:32:05

You don't have to live like this. You are choosing to. You have the choice but your children do not. Get them away from this loser before they grow up just like him.
Why does he not work ?

hopscotchegg Mon 14-Nov-16 06:45:49

Sorry love but he doesn't sound like a good dad.

Costacoffeeplease Mon 14-Nov-16 07:06:10

He's not a good dad, he's not a good partner, he doesn't work

What is he actually for?

He's an adult, you don't have to 'pass him off to his mother' he can stand on his own two bloody feet

How can you stay with someone who breaks your children's toys in anger and aggression?

Chottie Mon 14-Nov-16 07:09:36

What a horrible man - do you really want your DCs to grow up around him?

IHeardDonaldTrump Mon 14-Nov-16 07:21:50

You are very clearly describing an emotionally abusive relationship.
liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

There's a quiz on that link, please have a look.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 14-Nov-16 09:18:20

This is pretty bad abuse.
You say I cant pass him on to his mum
But you are happy for your children to live like this?
Because if you are walking on egg shells they are too.
So in turn they are also being abused.
Don't do this to them.
He's a cocklodging abusive nasty bully.
Get him out of the house and give yourself and your DC an abuse free life.
Only you can break this cycle.
YOU!!! ONLY YOU!!!!
Maybe have a chat with Womens Aid so they can help you see this for what it is.
ABUSE!!!!!!!!!

Simonneilsbeard Mon 14-Nov-16 09:54:33

This is abuse! He's throwing things and punching walls and making sure you know what will happen if you make him angry!

Organise a night out? What?? hmm

Bluntness100 Mon 14-Nov-16 09:58:09

This is not ok. Not even close. He's like a spoiled aggressive kid. I'd sit him down and tell him it's not ok and things either start to improve or the relationship has to end. Sounds like he is doing it because he can.

And uou don't " pass him onto his mum" , he's a grown ass man.

mumonashoestring Mon 14-Nov-16 10:01:19

"I cant pass him on to his mum, as he's so hard to deal with, nor will be take responsibility for himself and get a job."

Don't 'pass him on' to anyone - he's an adult, not a badly behaved dog. What choice will he have about getting a job if you do split? He'll need to live on something. Stop telling yourself that by taking him back you'd be being nice/kind/sympathetic and start thinking about allowing your children to grow up in an environment where they don't have to be frightened all the time. Be kind to them.

TheHobbitMum Mon 14-Nov-16 10:03:36

Sorry op he isn't a good dad at all. I still remember the fear I felt watching my parent pick up my toys and throwing them in anger! He is teaching them that this behaviour is normal and this is how you treat people & people treat you this way. He sounds like an abusive asshole and I plead you to get yourself & kids out of this mess. Once you have made him leave he isn't your responsibility and he's not supporting you now so there won't be any change there. You all deserve better than this

hopscotchegg Mon 14-Nov-16 13:07:08

I remember telling a counsellor my dad wasn't violent as he didn't tend to hit people - the counsellor said I needed to widen my definition of violence. That seems to apply here too.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Mon 14-Nov-16 13:18:11

I don't think I could have someone as volatile and destructive as that around my children.

Even if he isn't physically violent to them, he's causing background fear or establishing that this behaviour pattern is completely normal.

Sorry op. It's abusive and it's no way to live. flowers

tribpot Mon 14-Nov-16 13:31:34

He's not your responsibility. He's not your mum's responsibility. He's a grown man.

Your children are your responsibility. At best he is a dreadful role model, at worst an abuser. Why the fuck live like that?

Jiggl Mon 14-Nov-16 13:44:56

Let me guess. It's always your stuff or stuff belonging to the kids that get damaged? Not his phone, or any of his prized possessions. And if it does belong to him then it's likely something he's fuck all interest in anyway.

Bananalanacake Mon 14-Nov-16 13:52:03

How long has he not had a job for? unless he's been signed off work then he's a worthless shit, why isn't he working while he's 'trying to work out what he loves'. And who cares if he takes an overdose, that's his look out not yours.

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