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I know better. So why does it hurt?

(13 Posts)
KeithRichardsPetCat Sun 13-Nov-16 23:18:20

It's hard pretending you don't care. Especially when it's yourself you need to convince..

Long story. I won't bore anyone. Woman meets man. Has the time of her life - he has many issues; (drink, drugs, gambling, controlling behaviour etc) this becomes the relationship's downfall. They cannot be together..no matter what; it can't happen

The only way I can describe him is like a drug. I know he's awful for me. I know he's bad news. He has broken my heart and made me cry like a little girl. I know I have to cut contact with him. But those eyes. And the way he made me feel; I felt like a princess for the first time in my life. Except, of course, when he was controlling and shouting at me. But I glossed over that..even now I make excuses for him

I need to grow up. I'll meet other people; I'm only 26. Flip sake I've been married before. But that excitement..the sparks, fireworks..the texts, making plans to meet him. Feeling proud to be with him. Because, despite aforementioned problems - he's very successful and popular; he's loved by many. Such an engaging man. Ahhh. I've never felt anything like it in my life

Just a rant. I dunno if I need to cry or buy a self help book. I'm mourning a person who is still alive. And I'm mourning the peace I felt in my life before I met him. I'm tormented; I'm tormenting myself 🙁 life goes on. But it hurts an awful, awful lot

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 23:21:24

I'm sorry you are hurting
I think you do need to look into why you want to save this man, maybe the reasons why you feel like he is an addictive drug is that he is feeding into your needs to be wanted. The excitement can be very addictive so maybe separate them from him as a person... it's the excitement that the situation entailed, the thrills of making up and breaking up that you were addicted to, not him, but the chaos he creates. He is just a sad addicted nightmare
flowers

Cherry24xx Sun 13-Nov-16 23:28:06

Wow, I just logged in to write a very similar post.. I know exactly how you're feeling.
The only way you can break away from this desire and hurting feeling it to actually GET AWAY.. Short term pain for long term gain (get that freedom and painless heart back).. Is there any way you could possibly get away?.. Go travelling?.. Just be surrounded by different places/faces.. Out of sight is a massive hell to healing that heart x

KeithRichardsPetCat Sun 13-Nov-16 23:41:49

I just want peace. I want to be able to have a bath and think of nothing, or walk my dog and laugh at him chasing birds or jumping in puddles - like I did every single day before I met him

I've been through a divorce. This is what is bewildering me. I'm nearly finding it funny tbh, acting like a lovesick teenager over a man who has more issues that the Rolling Stone magazine

I guess I did want to save him. But I'm aware that I can't do that. He texts every day, and I mostly just read and don't reply. Because I know there's no point. I'm never gonna see him again. Yet I tell myself that I'm gonna block him completely "tomorrow" it's been tomorrow since September ffs

He made me feel so alive. Maybe I'm afraid that I'll never feel that way again. I'm not afraid of being alone..but I dunno, he made me feel special just

No opportunity to get away until Feb/March time. Busy time at work. I've hobbies, I've been on nights out and I think I'm doing a good job at pretending I'm okay. It's just this sadness. Fuck me, this overwhelming bloody sadness that envelopes me. I'm gutted

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 23:44:14

Every day life is mundane. It isn't exciting every day. So when you have it and then it vanishes it's a really tough adjustment. But it does get easier. I now love the mundane because it's just calmer. Drama is very tiring.

Block him now. You know you need to. You are just playing with fire not doing it. Time to listen to your head not your heart. Your heart is fooling you.

Thisisacting Mon 14-Nov-16 00:14:09

Why don't you try blocking him now and just tell yourself it's a day? I have just done that in a similar situation to yours and the relief is amazing. I don't have that anticipation feeling on tenterhooks all the time waiting for the next text. It clears your head a bit.

Shayelle Mon 14-Nov-16 07:39:32

I understand about the sadness 😞 Try and hust stay strong and hopefully in a couple of months things will feel a lot lot easier (this is what im countibg on....) xx

Bob19702 Mon 14-Nov-16 08:16:39

I am reading with interest this is something I need to do but struggling to make the first step , I crave my simple trouble free life from before but cannot see a life without my partner in it ...

KeithRichardsPetCat Mon 14-Nov-16 08:22:32

Thanks for the replies. I hate the thought of anyone else feeling like this..but I kinda get a bit of comfort out of it too

flowers for everyone

It's so hard to block him. He is so nice in texts - he wants to be with me; but it cannot happen. I am adamant that he is not the way forward. So I know what's right and wrong. And it's killing me. I can see this for what it is; I just want it to stop hurting sadangry stamps foot and acts like a toddler

Myusernameismyusername Mon 14-Nov-16 08:45:52

Keeping the line of communcatjon is hurting both of you and not helping you move on
It's kinder for both of you
You are picking at a wound right now it isn't going to heal if you do that!

KeithRichardsPetCat Mon 14-Nov-16 10:17:51

You're right. Ahh. If my friend had written this post, I'd be telling her the exact same thing

The ONLY good thing I've gleaned from this is that I can actually "like" someone

I've spent the last two years being rather indifferent towards men. I appreciate a good looking one just as much as any other woman grin but I've never had that butterfly feeling thing. Guess this has shown I am capable..

Deep breaths eh?

singleandfabulous Mon 14-Nov-16 10:24:23

I feel your pain OP.

I had one of these 15 years ago. It's like a Rock Star has come into your life and lit it with a million stars. Their aura captivates you and you're desperate to cling on no matter what because the alternative is so dull.

But you have to disengage totally and it will be shit. There's no getting away from it. In the long run though (6 -12 months) you'll feel better, stronger, more capable, liberated and eventually, you'll wonder what the hell you saw in the manchild. I'd advise getting out and meeting people and being so busy that you don't have time to think of him. There are better men out there.

flowers

KeithRichardsPetCat Mon 14-Nov-16 10:50:26

You've hit the nail on the head there. He was like a rock star. It was dazzling. I was the only woman in the world; I know this says more about me than it does about him..my need for attention and I even quite liked his possessiveness at the start - although his mood swings and abuse soon put paid to that

I've downloaded a book called "Women Who Love Too Much"

I'm only young - I'll meet someone else. Just the sick feeling in my tummy and then the anger at missing him when there's actually not much to miss sad

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