Am I just not cut out?

[Dephane12]

I'm sitting here questioning if I'm cut out for relationships and wondering if I'm alone here in my thinking.

I'm 34, have three children and am over two years out an emotional and controlling relationship.

In this time, I ignored advice to stay single and find myself. I went on to have a short term relationship with a similar controlling man (I never saw the signs initally). I proceeded to have two failed non starter relationships. Both men were decent bit I sabotaged them with my 'other thinking/jealously/clingyness).

I took 6 months out and enjoyed being single. Something I never thought I would be able to. I felt ready to start dating. After lots of self help books etc, I thought I'd cured myself and was ready to have a mature normal relationship.

My current boyfriend of 8 months, has been nothing short of wonderful. It seems very balanced and nice. However, we live quite far apart and had been seeing each other every 2 weeks.

This weekend, we decided to introduce the kids (he has children too). All of this was his idea (I agreed of course) and he was overly keen. Weekend went well, kids got on and I was blissfully happy. I senses that him seeing me that extra weekend was toon much for him. Even though he said he had a nice time.

When we spoke this eve, he said maybe some weekends when I come to his we should cut the weekend shorter (me going home a day earlier.

I have always said that we didn't have to spend whole weekends together, but he insisted that he wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. So this came as a blow so soon after oureading big meet up.

There have been other things. Initially he said he'd marry me one day, sees a future with me etc. I took it with a pinch of salt (early days and all) but now he makes jokeyou comments with me ie. Not ready to live together just yet, subject change anytime a mention of weddings etc (not about me/us). And now the above.

I'm general he is lovely but I have anxiety around relationshipso as I question everything. Thinking my life willik be simpler without the added drama in my head. If I was single.

Am I mad?

[angryangryyoungwoman]

Check your post urgently, there is an email address in it

[Montane50]

Ive reported purely to get the email address removed

[IonaMumsnet]

Thanks for your reports. We've edited that email address out now.

[angryangryyoungwoman]

It sounds like he is regretting going too quickly. You could take things slower, spend less time together and see how you feel then. Things may become clearer to you

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

So he'd marry you, then he's not ready to live with you.
He wants to introduce the all the DCs, then it's too much for him.
He sounds like fucking hard work to me.
Is it always on his terms?
Are you just pleased to be controlled like this and grateful that he might be interested in you? (Then he changes his mind anyway).
Dump the idiot - there are far too many red flags.
Get strong and have some faith in yourself and YOUR thinking.
Good luck

[Dephane12]

Thank you for your advice.

I can't put my finger on it. He is still being as lovely as always but I get the impression (gut feeling is guess) that he feels he has spent too much time with me even though he has not actively said that. It just makes me question if he really does see a future with me? After all, it's only two weekends in a row that we have just seen each other. Not everyday!

He has photos of us in his home, we have met each others parents and we are official. I had no reason to doubt his feelings about me. Until now!

Excuse previous spelling errors. Predictive text and I didn't proof read!

[Dephane12]

angryangryyoungwoman what you say makes sense, except we don't exactly spend heaps of time together as it is!

[KeepCoolCalmAndCollected]

To me every two weeks (at weekends) would sound about right in your circumstances, so wanting to reduce it by one day sounds as if he is backing off you.
It's not good being with someone who blows hot and cold, because you could end up feeling quite insecure, and also more importantly that they are the one who is controlling the relationship. It's GOT to be equal.
In answer to your question: Am I Just Not Cut Out.
Yes, you are, but IMHO I don't think he is.

[Dephane12]

Thank you. I think as well I have reservations as he is a little younger. I know that shouldn't matter but I was weary from the start and overtime stopped seeing it as an issue.

[Threecherries]

Yes its him, not you.

He could have taken it slower but he set a fast pace and now he's pulling back - that's not your fault!

When you are on the relationship bus thinking you are travelling to town A and the driver suddenly announces you are arriving at city B, you have to ask yourself, why you are in the passenger seat anyway, and not upfront co-piloting the trip!