No Sex - Would you stay?

[user1479064517]

Evening all,

My partner and I have been together for 3 years, in our early twenties with an infant young son. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent, it has got to the point where we rarely have it at all anymore. We have had it 2 times in the past 3 months. I used to try to initiate a lot but I would get rejected, so I have pretty much stopped trying.

When we do have sex it is very wooden. He is not interested in oral, touching or trying anything new. Just bog-standard stick it in. Most of the time I do not orgasm as he doesn't like to touch me or give oral. He will often finish and then just roll over and go to sleep. I have suggested many things that we could try and he always rejects them. It is like he just isn't interested in having sex.

I know it is wrong to compare, but my sex life with my ex was incredible. He always made sure that we were both satisfied and enjoyed ourselves. He was totally open to new things. My sex life with my current OH couldn't be more different.

I've tried to talk to him about it, I have asked him what is wrong and if there is anything he would like to do. He always says there is nothing wrong, that he doesn't see what the big deal is and makes out I am sex obsessed?

I know it sounds terrible, but I often fantasise about other men. I don't get any sexual attention from my OH. He never looks at me in a lustful way and when we do have sex its usually because I have nagged and badgered him. I've started to resent him because I feel as though I have lost so much of my femininity and sexuality.

So my question is, would you stay in a sexless relationship? Am I just being totally selfish? I feel like I should stay and make things work for my son, but after 3 years it is killing me to never feel wanted.

[wobblywonderwoman]

Two times in three months and not of great quality - especially when you are instigating. Its not great. I don't know what to advise though. How is everything else. Do you feel wanted apart from physically ?

[user1479064517]

He is affectionate in other ways - kissing and cuddling, but it just isn't enough for me. I need to feel passion. He says he doesn't want to split up and can't imagine a life without me, but he just can't empathise with how I feel in regards to sex.

He very much has the attitude that if it doesn't effect him, he can't see what the big deal is. He used to do nothing around the house and although he has got better in recent months, I still have to nag him to do most chores e.g. not leaving towels on the bed, hanging washing up, cleaning the bathroom once a week.

[RandomMess]

TBH - I wouldn't stay. Compromise is a huge part of a relationship, doesn't sound like there is any of that going on!

[DorindaJ]

Nope. I wouldn't stay in the circumstances you have described. If it were a warm, mutually caring and supportive relationship, I wouldn't budge.

The relationship sounds dead. (Sorry)

[keepingonrunning]

No I wouldn't stay. Your self-esteem will be in shreds before long.
He is using you as a wank hole. I wouldn't be surprised if he is addicted to porn.
He is the one being selfish, not you. A healthy, satisfying sex life is a normal human need. Prioritise your own needs as much as he clearly prioritises his. It's a really difficult decision when you have a LO, but consider his long term happiness with a happier mum who feels desired and valued by a new partner.

[randomer]

are there lots of 147's?

[abbsismyhero]

I would leave I feel really shallow saying it but truth is I could not stand not being wanted

[keepingonrunning]

He can't imagine a life without you because who else is going to cook his meals, tidy up after him and give him a comfortable home life?
He sound like an entitled prick who sees relationships as a one-way street where he doesn't have to make any effort.

[leaveittothediva]

Has it been always like this with him.? I can't believe your three years in, now with a baby, and didn't realize sex wasn't that important to him. You enjoyed sex with your ex. Why would you end up involved with someone who doesn't enjoy you.? Or has he just changed sexually for some reason.

[user1479064517]

When we got together I was his first serious relationship. He had sex with a few women before me, but he had never been in a relationship.

I assumed that because I was his first real relationship, he was nervous/inexperienced and would get better as our relationship progressed (in hindsight this was really stupid). I became pregnant with our son quite soon into our relationship.

[user1479064517]

Also to add - he has agreed to see a counsellor, although I am not sure how much this will actually help the situation. I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to please your partner...

[PsychedelicSheep]

I wouldn't stay no. Crap sex is a total deal breaker for me.

[user1479064517]

"I wouldn't stay no. Crap sex is a total deal breaker for me."

Even when children are involved? Our son is the one thing keeping me with him at the moment.

[Yoarchie]

It would be different if you were say 48 with 3 kids and all the baggage you collect up over the years. Then I might say stay if everything else is fine.

But you are really young and there is only one dc who is so little he would not ever know about you living together/splitting. You need too lay it out for him and explain to him that your desires are normal and that you need him to make an effort to change things or you will have to go separate ways.

[RandomMess]

I'm in my 40s 4 DC we've had a very difficult few years, sex is no longer frequent/intimate/close etc. But I have the knowledge and memories that we do still fancy each other that we did have a passionate relationship that there is hope for one again.

You've never had one, he's never bothered with you as a sexual person, I can't see how we would have survived until now without that earlier on when the kids were little.

[user1479064517]

I think I am just prolonging the inevitable. I never saw myself as a single mum and my family is very much of the attitude that you should stay together no matter what.

It's a very very difficult decision. But on a selfish level, I don't want to live my life feeling so unloved and undesirable all the time.

[SandyY2K]

I wouldn't stay. Not when you're young and have your whole life ahead of you.
If he's inexperienced he can go on Google to find out how to please a woman in bed.

There's no excuse for his laziness and selfishness.

[PsychedelicSheep]

Yes even when children are involved. You can still co-parent with each other. Having a child is no reason to stay in a dead relationship. It's depressing how many men think it's ok to be completely selfish in bed.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I never saw myself as a single mum

I didn't either, and so I stayed with my ex for YEARS after we should have called it a day. We have 2 DC. Thankfully, I was enough of a PITA :) for him to end it. I never would have done. But it was fine, and I actually LOVED being a single mum. It's really not what you're picturing; it can be happy, warm and sweet, and your ex could turn out to be a great co-parent.

[user1479064517]

SandyY2K - I've suggested he google it but he never bothers. I've also tried to show him in real life and he's just not interested. His own words, he "doesn't like touching or oral" so it makes no difference to him.

PsychedelicSheep - It really sucks. I had a great sexual relationship with my ex but everything else was crap. I just can't seem to get the right balance in men.

I think a part of me has always been scared about becoming a statistic. I don't want to be seen as a the stereotypical young single mum. I'm also scared that no other man would want me because I would be a young single mum

[keepingonrunning]

You are very unhappy. You have told him how you feel. You have given him opportunities to meet your need for more intimacy. He hasn't tried to improve things.
That is reason enough to end it. It's about your life not your family's. I'm sure you don't want your son to grow up with an unhappy and resentful mother and an absence of a template for a contented, fulfilling relationship to follow when he is older.

[SeeYouTomorrow]

Asexual? Gay? Past abuse? If not, has he been to the doctor to check his testosterone levels? Would he consider therapy about his dislike of, it appears, all types physical intimacy? If he is not making any moves to help himself then he is not bothered about you and your feelings.

For many people, sex is an integral part of a healthy relationship. People are entitled not to want it but their partners are entitled to leave them for this. Seriously OP, leave him to it. I couldn't be with someone this selfish.

[user1479064517]

Yes he has been to the doctor to have his blood tested for testosterone, and they found that everything was as it should be. He had a physical examination too and all was well.

I have considered he might be gay but he swears he isn't. Asexual is possible but I know he has/does watch porn, so that doesn't match up either.

I will encourage him to try counselling. If there is something genuinely wrong with him then it must be emotional/mental. Though I don't see how counselling could change how he feels about vaginas

[Raines100]

You might be surprised how understanding your family are (immediate family- obviously you can't go around telling everyone this) about your reason for leaving. People don't broadcast their sex lives, but a sexless relationship would be unbearable for most- especially at your age.

[SauvignonPlonker]

Ah, porn. So there's your answer. It's not you, it's him.

FWIW, the experience on MN seems to be that this won't get any better.

At least he's prepared to go for counselling.