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Long term divorce planning

(10 Posts)
ShastaBeast Sun 13-Nov-16 18:13:36

My marriage is very up and down. Today is another down. I have chronic pain and mobility problems so struggle with physical housework, although I do all the organising, finance etc. Husband is completely disorganised and has no self discipline so we make a bad combination. He stressed at work, angry and negative, he's edging into abusive territory, he promises to get therapy and never does. I'm fed up and feel I would cope better on my own - we have two young school age children. I work part time but can see this increasing if I can physically cope - it's office work. Unfortunately I don't earn enough and even if we spilt, sold the family home etc, I'd never be able to afford to stay locally, the kids are in a great school and I can better further my career here.

My only option right now would be for me to leave and live really far away with my family. He would never let me take the kids nor would he move out. So my only choice is to quietly start planning for a longer term plan. I just have no idea, save winning the lottery, what I can do make an escape plan. I feel completely trapped. I gave up a previous career to stay home with the kids for several years so he's massively advantaged financially in comparison.

Northernlurker Sun 13-Nov-16 18:21:05

The first thing you need to do is quietly see a solicitor and assess what you're actual position will be. What fir example will your rights over his pension be?
You could also get advice on the benefits position too. You might be surprised.

Threecherries Sun 13-Nov-16 18:30:31

Have you worked out exactly what you'd be living on if you did split up?

If you can share some rough figures it might help see whether increasing hours etc would move you from 'very difficult 'to 'doable'.

I've been there and it was a real squeeze to begin with as I was only working 20 hours but increased them quite soon after leaving.

ShastaBeast Sun 13-Nov-16 18:30:52

I suspect he has almost nothing in a pension and due to location I would struggle to get a place with housing benefit - not that I'd qualify if we sold a house but couldn't afford to buy a new one so had thousands in the bank, the sensible decision would be to move far away to buy an affordable property - but then he'd never let me take the kids, so I'd either be scraping a living private renting near the kids or I'd be comfortable in my own home without kids. I'd be without the kids either way.

PurpleWithRed Sun 13-Nov-16 18:33:51

Do remember that while you are married any money you manage to save is jointly yours and his: similarly anything he has in his name is jointly yours.

ShastaBeast Sun 13-Nov-16 18:40:24

Right now I only earn just over £1k per month. Renting a two bed flat would be more than my income. I probably wouldn't qualify for benefits until all the money had been spent from the house sale, hence moving away being most sensible for my own security. I don't think I'd qualify for disability benefits either, despite it impacting my ability to work. My job is relatively new too so taking my time is essential. The marriage is probably tolerable medium term but I need a contingency plan. I guess a solicitor would be the best move but I have a feeling I won't have any rights to being the main resident parent nor remaining in the home while the kids are young. That's certainly the impression I get and why I feel I have no choice but to stay.

Threecherries Sun 13-Nov-16 18:55:22

If you were awarded 100% of the equity in your current home, could you raise a mortgage with the income from your earnings, tax credits, and child maintenance combined (on a smaller home if necessary)?

ShastaBeast Sun 13-Nov-16 19:07:56

And if he does seek help and address the stress and anger we could be fine. We get on ok, if there is no stress he's happy. If I did all the house work and chores he'd be much happier. I actually do all the banking, he'd never bother saving without me, no home improvements or family holidays/outings either. It's just I can't afford to buy nearby even if I have £150k, from savings/selling the house, because my income isn't enough to get a mortgage for the rest (£200k minimum). I have started a career in a profitable sector but worry about my disability limiting my earning potential. Plus house prices are out of control.

I have to balance my financial security with the welfare of the kids and right now I can't so need to plan how to make it work longer term. Unfortunately a lot of money seems to be the only solution. House prices are the trap. Perhaps moving north together will give more options if it does become intolerable. It's just a shame they'd have to move school.

ShastaBeast Sun 13-Nov-16 19:19:53

I suspect I could make it work with 100% equity, but I wouldn't want to screw him over and take the lot, not that I'd imagine that was possible. He's not abusive, although can act abusively at times. Ideally I would stay with the kids here and he could easily afford to rent a similarly sized property nearby. Then we would sell when the kids reach 18, or in X years, and we'd spilt the equity. We can parent equally. But I don't think this arrangement is likely anymore.

Threecherries Sun 13-Nov-16 21:18:10

If he could afford to rent and you stay in the house until DC are older then that's what the court would decide, I'm sure, but I can understand why you wouldn't necessarily want that outcome.

It does sound like your biggest challenge is house prices and I suppose if I were you I'd try and have a very frank conversation about moving elsewhere to enable an equitable split with shared care of the DC.

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