Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why do I feel like this?

(24 Posts)
Pleasegimmeanamechange Sun 13-Nov-16 18:02:22

I have been messaging a man for a while now, he's a lovely man, kind, funny, caring.

He told me in the beginning he doesn't want a relationship, just sex, I explained I am not open to that and we should just be friends.

We continued to talk, there have been times when he's told me he's fond of me, he's always messaging me first and I look forward to talking to him.

Over the past few days, it's seemed to be mostly sexual, so today I explained that I see us as friends and we will not sleep together.

I feel gutted, I didn't expect this, he's become quite cold, although I suspect that's because his pride has been hurt. I wish I hadn't said anything, I want us to be like we were just a few hours ago.

Have I made a mistake? I'm not a friends with benefits type woman, so I know I haven't in that regard but should I have waited to see where it would go?

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 18:36:10

This doesn't make any sense to me
Both of you have wasted this period of time hoping one another will change your mind.
You stuck to what you wanted (good for you) and he stuck to what he wanted.
You don't want the same things
So it's over.
He's been trying to charm you into bed and it hasn't worked so he's not going to keep making the effort now.
You need to listen to what someone is telling you no matter how charming they seem

Simonneilsbeard Sun 13-Nov-16 18:38:05

You've absolutely done the right thing!
He's gone cold because he hasn't gotten what he wanted.
Good on you!

Pleasegimmeanamechange Sun 13-Nov-16 18:40:54

I hear what you are both saying, I don't know why I feel so gutted, but I am sure now I have done the right thing.

MudCity Sun 13-Nov-16 18:41:50

You have absolutely done the right thing. The best thing you can ever do in relationships is to be clear about what you want and where you stand. If he doesn't want the same as you then there is no future. It sounds as though he doesn't want friendship. You do. Time to move on and find someone who respects you and who does want the same as you. There are plenty of kind, funny and caring men out there who would be glad of your friendship and company, I'm sure.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 18:42:24

Don't regret this decision. I think all it is is that you had hope he wanted more and now he's shown you he doesn't
Move on from him - so good you stuck to your guns

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 13-Nov-16 18:42:45

Its not you, its him. He just wanted sex and you wanted more than that. You were both incompatible from the beginning because you want different things; your only mistake here was to keep messaging him and say that you and he should remain friends. He never wanted your friendship. What you and he had a few hours previously was a mirage, it never existed.

How long had you been messaging him for?. Did you ever meet this man face to face?.

I think you have had a lucky escape; this person did not care about you at all but only wanted his own sexual needs met. You repeated that you wanted to remain friends only and you stuck to your guns here; what is wrong with that. Why should you not be true to your own self?

Let him go and remain gone. Block him from contacting you and vice-versa.

I would also now raise your own too low relationship bar a lot higher before you again embark on a relationship.

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 13-Nov-16 18:43:07

Myuser sums up my thoughts entirely, you've done the right thing,block him and tell him to ring a sex chat line.

Pleasegimmeanamechange Sun 13-Nov-16 18:49:04

Attila - we work together but not closely, we began talking after a work night out. We have had lunch together a few times, it's been three months.

Thank you all for re-enforcing what I know to be true. I will learn from this and move on, even if I have to have a few days of feeling crap.

springydaffs Sun 13-Nov-16 19:03:46

His pride isn't hurt! His pride isn't hurt!

Just saying that twice so you get it. He's gone cold because you have made it clear he's not going to get a shag so he's cooled off. Because a shag is all he wants. He said so.

Bravo you for sticking to your agenda. Next time, stick to it earlier and move on the minute someone clearly says they want something you are not prepared to give.

You done good flowers

HandyWoman Sun 13-Nov-16 19:04:56

When they say they don't want a relationship, they really don't. If you keep messaging you give them the message you are up for having your mind changed. Often men online enjoy this challenge, turn the messaging content to sexual and the next step is being sent cock shots. Next time you'll know to cut it off a lot sooner - chalk it up to experience and don't feel bad - lesson learned.

Buzzardbird Sun 13-Nov-16 19:15:16

Ah, bless him, he tried, you didn't fall for it. Well done you.

IonaNE Sun 13-Nov-16 19:35:51

Why would you want to be friends with a man who only wants sex from a woman?

Pleasegimmeanamechange Sun 13-Nov-16 20:11:06

Got it, his pride isn't hurt - he just didn't like the answer he got.
I certainly will chalk it up to experience, he did try and he almost fooled me.
Despite him only wanting sex, he is a nice guy - or at least the side of him he wanted me to see is nice.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 20:37:36

You should be proud you stuck to your feelings, it really will get you far. It weeds out all the wrong people in all walks of life

Pleasegimmeanamechange Sun 13-Nov-16 20:44:42

Thank you. I often run blindly into things, so I'm please I made the right choice this time.

Smartleatherbag Sun 13-Nov-16 20:47:49

You're sad because a bit of you hoped it might become something more meaningful. You've done absolutely the right thing, and should be proud of yourself.

Buzzardbird Sun 13-Nov-16 22:10:49

It obviously works for him sometimes. You know how you don't give in to children when they try to manipulate you? Well, his parents did.

springydaffs Sun 13-Nov-16 22:26:24

Not necessarily, Buzzard! Watch out for that way of thinking, you may get a shock when (?) your kids grow up.

RestlessTraveller Sun 13-Nov-16 22:55:32

While I would completely agree that the op has done the right thing for her, I'm really uncomfortable with some of the language on here about the guy. It's perfectly ok to just want sex from someone as long as you're honest about it (like he was).

springydaffs Sun 13-Nov-16 23:13:03

iyo, Restless. Not everyone feels the way you do.

I also wouldn't be interested in someone who just wants sex.

<thread police monitor>

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 23:24:12

Well you know. It is his perogative. But he stuck around in the hope of trying to wear her down into agreeing when she said she didn't want to. So he's no prince

RestlessTraveller Mon 14-Nov-16 06:53:22

I didn't say everyone did feel the same way. But some people do and there's no need to be judgy about it.

Pleasegimmeanamechange Mon 14-Nov-16 18:18:38

I will say, I see nothing wrong with wanting just sex. In this case however, it's become evident he just hung around to have sex with me. That is not ok.
I'm doing much better today, I'm glad I've at least seen his true colours.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now