Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

So confused, shall I end it?

(18 Posts)
Lukat Sun 13-Nov-16 14:19:10

Hi
I was previously I was married for 16 years but we just drifted apart and parted amicably. I have 2 children.
Met new dp 2 years ago, he was single for many years after having his heart broken by cheating partner.
So 2 years on, I am ready to take the plunge and move in with each other but he isn't.
I'm thinking it's going nowhere so do I break my heart and end it now?

HuskyLover1 Sun 13-Nov-16 14:22:18

What does he say about it though? If he wants to review things in the New Year, fine. But if he's saying that he will never again co-habit, and you do want to, then that's a deal breaker. 2 years is a long time, imo. My DH moved in after 8 months.

Lukat Sun 13-Nov-16 14:24:27

He's just saying he's not ready.
I love him dearly and it would truly break my heart but I don't want this for me or my girls forever.

PoldarksBreeches Sun 13-Nov-16 14:26:18

Why do you have to live together? Why can't you keep separate households? And what do your girls have to do with it?

tribpot Sun 13-Nov-16 14:29:58

Sounds like this is a workable situation for you and your dds whilst they're still living at home. Moving in to a home with children is a daunting prospect and it sounds like your DP is being very honest that he's not ready for that step.

Lukat Sun 13-Nov-16 15:30:26

I feel as though he's only taking his happiness into consideration.
He is the most honest person I have ever met and won't give false promises.

tribpot Sun 13-Nov-16 15:42:16

Why aren't you happy living apart? What about your dc, are they happy?

yogayear Sun 13-Nov-16 15:58:36

I don't think 2years when you have children is the excessive.

Do you want more children?

SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies Sun 13-Nov-16 16:05:56

Ifeel as though he's only taking his happiness into consideration
^ no actually he isn't. If he moved in to please you and became very unhappy, then you would become unhappy too. He's actually thinking of you equally as much as himself.

He is the most honest person I have ever met and won't give false promises
^ There you are then, he isn't messing you around, he's been totally truthful with you.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Sun 13-Nov-16 16:13:04

I think two years is quite early on to be moving in together tbh, esp when one of you has children.

I'd carry on with the status quo, but I can see if you feel you are dangling then that won't be much fun.

TheNaze73 Sun 13-Nov-16 16:23:15

I agree, step away and look at it as an outsider. 2 years is no time at all.

If you are at difference stages in a relationship, the default position has to be to maintain the status quo.

Is there a reason you're in such a rush?

Lukat Sun 13-Nov-16 17:34:32

I like to feel settled, having been married for so long the unkown future scares the crap out of me.
My eldest has said she isn't ready but younger one is so I know it can't be yet.
I don't know, I suppose I just want more from him.
He's as straight and honest as anyone can be and for that I am grateful.
He is scared too I think.

IreallyKNOWiamright Sun 13-Nov-16 17:52:44

Maybe he feels that you are not ready in your heart, even though your head says do it. You admit you are scared to be on your own. Could it be he Is picking up on those vibes and it's making Him cautious.

Lukat Sun 13-Nov-16 17:59:34

Ireally - I'm very very insecure and hate my own company and he knows this. I am insecure due to a horrid childhood.
Maybe I THINK I'm ready but I'm not.

tribpot Sun 13-Nov-16 18:03:40

It sounds a bit like you're desperate for someone to come and 'fix' you so you don't have to do it yourself. Sorry for speaking plainly but I doubt that is a very attractive trait to him. I would want to be very cautious if I thought my partner was hanging all her hopes for the future, and by extension her children's sense of stability, on me - especially so soon after the end of a marriage.

Why don't you feel settled with your own household, not dependent on anyone or beholden to anyone? (Other than the dc of course)? If the previous few years could have taught you anything it's not to be reliant on other people to make your own happiness. Why is the future unknown? You have a house, a job, a family? That's about as much as any of us know.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia Sun 13-Nov-16 18:09:54

good grief...you are running your relationship goals past your children??

I think you need to sort yourself out (meant in the kindest way !)

at the risk of sounding like an internet meme you should NEVER make anyone else responsible for your happiness. Deal with your issues and set a good example of how to live life to your daughters.

timelytess Sun 13-Nov-16 18:18:43

Don't force this man onto your children. Let him and them have their space, and you be happy that you have lovely children and a partner who is good to be with some of the time. You've had one marriage - wasn't that enough? What do you need to prove?

Lukat Sun 13-Nov-16 19:27:07

I'm taking all your comments on board and yes they all make sense.
I suppose he could promise me the world but let me down big time.
I don't want that for any of us.
I think I see it and take it as a personal attack on me, for example, he doesn't want to move in so he doesn't really love me.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now