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Fall out with oldest friend - do I reach out?

(25 Posts)
LittleRed321 Sat 12-Nov-16 20:47:22

I fell out with my oldest friend last year over cancelling a trip away (due to her not responding to my numerous messages trying to make arrangements). I cancelled the trip and sold the tickets; out of nowhere she accused me of lying about the trip like it was a scam (she lost out on £30) and taking my partner instead, and threatened to take me to court. I split the money from the refunded tickets equally between us, sent her proof of the refund but we have not spoken since. Our mutual friend told me recently that she has told her she would be willing to rebuild the friendship, but only if I make contact with her first. We've known each other since we were little and it seems silly to fall out over something so small, but should I bother reaching out when she's not willing to herself?

MooPointCowsOpinion Sat 12-Nov-16 20:48:11

Is she worth being friends with? Sounds like a fruit loop to me.

Lilaclily Sat 12-Nov-16 20:50:23

Yep sounds like a nutter, steer well clear

Sparkesx Sat 12-Nov-16 20:51:16

I wouldn't, she's in the wrong and it doesn't sound like much of a friend anyway!

AlexaTwoAtT Sat 12-Nov-16 20:51:33

Avoid.

Myusernameismyusername Sat 12-Nov-16 20:56:26

She owes you a giant apology. I'm not sure I could forgive such crappy behaviour myself.
You could test the water but I would be very careful about expecting too much

FiveGoMadInDorset Sat 12-Nov-16 20:58:58

She needs to do th reaching and the aplogising

cheekyfunkymonkey Sat 12-Nov-16 21:01:28

Was the friendship great before? If it was and she had an out of character overreaction then maybe, it if it wSone of those friends just because you have known her so long then I would leave it.

Groovee Sat 12-Nov-16 21:03:10

Did she often behave like this?

Myusernameismyusername Sat 12-Nov-16 21:03:33

I Had a close friend who wouldn't apologise to me over an incident, it was a one off to be fair but it was equally just awful and unnecessary. I just instantly knew I would never trust or respect her ever again - it was dead for me. I probably could have resurrected the friendship of my own efforts but you know what? I miss the idea of her, I don't actually miss her all that much in truth

LittleRed321 Sat 12-Nov-16 21:15:37

She's always been known to just sort of 'drop' people/acquaintances from school, not text people back etc. Until it's just kind of dwindled to me, her and our mutual friend remaining close. This overreaction was out of character but I'm not sure if it was due to making a new friend at the time (now she's always hanging out with her) and she always admitted that whenever had a large amount of friends and wanted to make more. Our friendship was good, more so as we've grown older together, to the point where she would say I'd be maid of honour at her wedding. Our mutual friend moved out of the area with her partner 18 months ago, so it became just us 2 seeing each other more often until our mutual friend came back to the area to visit. At the time I was discussing moving out of the area with my partner, so I'm not sure if that triggered the change in friendship? I don't think I did anything wrong, but should I test the water as you say and see how it goes/if it was a misunderstanding, or just call it quits if she's happy not being friends unless I contact her?

Myusernameismyusername Sat 12-Nov-16 21:19:41

I think she took for granted that you would never leave the friendship and expected you to put up with her crap. You didn't so she got angry with you over it.
If she doesn't apologise then you have no friendship because that's not how friends treat each other

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 12-Nov-16 21:22:05

Hi OP. I've lost a longstanding friend over something similarly bogglingly baffling. My advice to you would be, do whatever will make you look back on it in ten years' time and know you handled it right. If that's giving her a chance to kiss and make up then do that. If on the other hand you would always feel like it was you running to patch it up with her and her not reciprocating, then I'd give it a miss. (I did the latter, btw. I decided that if we did make it up then our friendship would not be an honest one anymore because I'd lost my respect for her as a person because of her behaviour. So although it made me sad - and still does - I just didn't like her enough for it to be worth gritting my teeth and being the bigger person I'm afraid.)

maggiethemagpie Sat 12-Nov-16 21:24:53

Go with your gut. Does it feel right to be the one to reach out? If it makes you feel uncomfortable, don't do it.

Sassypants82 Sat 12-Nov-16 21:25:24

Ask yourself if your life is poorer for not having her in it? If it is, get in touch, if not, then is leave it. They say friendship should feel effortless for the most part, she sounds like hard work.

magoria Sat 12-Nov-16 21:26:37

If she wanted to get in touch with you I am assuming she could? Phone, email, FB etc.

Don't get involved in her game with your friend. She is trying to make you dance to the tune she wants you too.

dovesong Sat 12-Nov-16 21:27:55

I was ready to say that you should just make up with her but tbh it sounds like she's a bit odd. Maybe send her a message telling her there's no hard feelings on your side and you hope she's doing well. Leaves the ball in her court, you don't have to apologise (as you shouldn't have to!) and you'll always know that you did the right thing so you won't feel bad about the whole situation when you look back on it.

WuTangFlan Sat 12-Nov-16 21:46:55

I'm not sure how threatening to take someone to court is a "misunderstanding".

Don't contact her. If she wanted you back in her life she'd contact you.

ethelb Sat 12-Nov-16 22:32:29

How old are you OP, you mentioned weddings/moving in together?

I'm late 20s and dropped a childhood friend this year. It was oddly enough, after an incidrnt where she had been virtually uncontactable in the run up to a trip, was very rude to me in the event, and hasn't contacted me since.

She didn't do anything as bad as what your friend did, but the lack of contact was a bit of a power play which just shed the whole friendship into a bit of a negative light.

Can you think of any similar dismissive, blaming behaviour before.

EasternDailyStress Sat 12-Nov-16 22:38:58

Only if you're one of The Four Tops

LittleRed321 Sat 12-Nov-16 22:46:24

We're both mid 20s, she lives in a house with her partner, they're not yet engaged but she has said previously I would have been her maid of honour. I've recently moved in with my partner, but at the time when we last spoke it was only an idea, so I'm not sure if she just thought because I'm moving out of area she wouldn't really need to bother friendship wise, and reached out to this new girl (who is a friend of her partners).

She's always been one to kind of disappear in terms of keeping contact, so I suppose that's not the greatest indicator of a good friendship. Perhaps I was just a convenience friendship? I understand she would have been upset about not going to the trip, and she would always talk to me about problems/concerns she had with her partner so maybe she wasn't in a good place, but I've never given her a reason not to trust me or especially think I would steal from her, etc. I think the threat of a small claims court was just a threat for me to pay her the whole refund (we couldn't get the full amount of money back for the trip, but she blamed me because I decided to cancel it and wanted me to pay her back what she had paid).

The more I think about it/explain the worse it sounds really!

I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your friend ethelb, it's sad to lose that bond with someone no matter the circumstances.

ohdearme1958 Sun 13-Nov-16 07:54:08

OP she seriously doubted your integrity by accusing you of being dishonest.

There would be no way back from that for me.

LittleRed321 Wed 16-Nov-16 20:38:01

Thanks for all of your advice everyone, mixed views but they have helped me see things from different perspectives. I'm sad the friendship ended, but I feel she just wants me to play to her tune as though I'm desperate for her friendship. I think the only thing driving me towards contacting her is curiosity! She could easily contact me if she wanted to, but neither of us see we have done anything wrong so there will be no apologies, so I guess there would be no respect between us now.

Cricrichan Wed 16-Nov-16 21:02:22

She's no friend. You're better off with it ending.

Atenco Thu 17-Nov-16 03:47:08

OP she seriously doubted your integrity by accusing you of being dishonest

If she apologised, considering she is an old friend, I would forgive her, but only because of the years of your friendship. If a friend hasn't caught on that you are honest, they are not a friend.

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