Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dating someone from OLD land. Red flags?

(32 Posts)
pennyfromtheblock Sat 12-Nov-16 20:31:06

Hello wise MN people,
Talk some sense into me!
I have had a couple of LTRs with EA men (inc my DC dad) & after a fair time of singleness decided to do OLD (ok cupid).
Met a guy, drank beer, had fun & we are now 5 dates in. I am almost LOOKING for something to be wrong with him. I'm enjoying the ride & we have loads in common & of course it's really early days but....
1. We had the 'are you dating anyone else' chat & he said he hasn't looked at any dating sites in weeks yet when he was in the shower a POF thing popped up on his phone (I have not deleted my profile though i haven't looked at any messages since I met him & have deleted the ok cupid app.

2. He has mentioned that he uses drugs recreationally sometimes at music festivals.

3. He has hinted that he used to drink loads & 'was a nightmare' when he was 20/25. He is now early 40s.
I like him & I am not jumping into anything. Just wondered if any of these things would make you go hmm
By the way, 2 and 3 used to apply to me as well. Am I being OTT or would you be put off by these things?

Myusernameismyusername Sat 12-Nov-16 20:36:54

Yes number 2 is a deal breaker for me if still using

3 was me too in my youth I suppose so I would be wary but not totally put off

1... well you haven't deleted it either and POF are annoying for spam. I have deactivated my profile and keep getting 'you have unread messages' messages so I had to delete the app - even though my profile wasn't active!! But 'in weeks' is too vague of an answer to reassure me 'no I only want to date you'. 5 dates in might be too soon, but if it is for him (too soon) he should say that and not lie. But he might lie if he thinks that's what you want to hear.

You need to have a further clarification discussion about that at some point. Not that you saw his phone but if things are serious, is he dating and agree to both deactivate profiles.

So I wouldn't put all my eggs in this basket anyway because it's early days and time will tell.

Bluntness100 Sat 12-Nov-16 20:46:02

For me, someone who was a bit of an arse 15/20 years ago, no it would be irrelevant.

However I would question the drugs more, what are we talking about here? If it's pills or powder that's where I personally draw the line and it's game over. I've never done pills or powder, it's where I asked my daughter to draw the line and I wouldn't be involved with a man where that was what he did.

As for the dating website, no I would find that an irrelevance.

pennyfromtheblock Sat 12-Nov-16 20:46:31

Thanks myusername smile
I've never used POF so not sure how it works BUT (& this is gonna make me sound slightly crazy) I wanted to know if he was bullshitting or not as my last two exes were excellent liars & I did a fake POF profile & saw he was last active over 30 days ago so perhaps he is telling the truth & I kind of think deep down even with battered self esteem that he might be a bit into into me (he seems quite direct & honest) ... We shall see.
I haven't deleted my OLD profile. 'Just in case...' & he's probably in that same boat.... Early days I guess. This is really unexpected.... I was having zero OLD success...
PS I was on the OLD thread lots-have NC wink

pennyfromtheblock Sat 12-Nov-16 20:49:44

Hi Bluntness
Yeah, MDMA & weed it sounds like.
Where I live & in my circle, it's not uncommon - I have a few friends who smoke/use occasionally. I don't but did in the past ....

Myusernameismyusername Sat 12-Nov-16 20:50:54

Ok I understand your reasons but that is slightly OTT re the fake profile.
You have to take risks sometimes with trust I think the drugs are more of an issue out of all of this though

pennyfromtheblock Sat 12-Nov-16 20:55:17

I know! Totally OTT but I think I wanted to know NOW if he's a liar & then it's easy to walk away.... But after I did it & saw he hasn't looked since b4 we met I gave myself a good talking to... Won't do it again
Yes. The drugs......
I don't have time for a relationship anyway so maybe it's not meant to be....

MistressDeeCee Sun 13-Nov-16 01:34:53

No.2 would be a dealbreaker for me

No.1 - you're only 5 dates in, youve put all your eggs into 1 basket but that doesnt mean he has to

aforestgrewandgrew Sun 13-Nov-16 01:41:58

Drugs at festivals would not be an issue for me if MDMA and weed etc. Coke I would be more wary of as so addictive.

Maverickismywingman Sun 13-Nov-16 01:42:40

I think he sounds ok, if I'm honest. smile

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 13-Nov-16 01:44:28

Nothing screams red fag or deal breaker to me.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Sun 13-Nov-16 01:44:51

Bugger.

FLAG. Red FLAG.

Secretsandlies222 Sun 13-Nov-16 05:07:38

As long as the drug use is only recreational in the way you describe, I really don't see an issue.

pennyfromtheblock Sun 13-Nov-16 08:28:43

Thanks all for your posts. grin

SquirrelPaws Sun 13-Nov-16 08:33:48

That level of drug use wouldn't be an issue for me. It's very, very occasional. Drinking too much in the past -meh. Many of us did. If you see signs that he still drinks in troublesome ways (missing things he's planned, going to work in a state, being aggressive, weeing somewhere that isn't a loo or in extremis, a bush) that's a red flag.

I haven't been on a dating site for years, but I remember when I was first going out with DH I didn't delete my profiles for a while, although I didn't look at them, and it was a real pain in the arse to delete some of them. I wouldn't read too much into that at this early stage. I do think you're wise to be cautious, though.

Desmondo2016 Sun 13-Nov-16 08:34:55

Sounds fine to me. I think you'll struggle to find someone if you do wider those things red flags. It's your low self esteem and past experience making you paranoid. Chill, this could be good!

DrMorbius Sun 13-Nov-16 08:51:27

By the way, 2 and 3 used to apply to me as well. Am I being OTT or would you be put off by these things?

So you are asking if certain characteristics are red flags characteristics that apply to yourself. That's hilarious. So you wouldn't date yourself?

As for the whole fake profile pantomime blush........ biscuit

Yes I see lots of red flags

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 13-Nov-16 09:12:42

Depends what 3 meant. Does it mean argumentative and puked on someone's carpet or beat someone up and spent time in a cell?

I'd keep an eye on 2. Many smokers downplay how much they smoke and I wouldn't want to find out that recreationally was 3 times a week rather than 3 times a year.

Fairylea Sun 13-Nov-16 09:16:27

Any drug use would be an instant no from me. I am very anti drugs (I don't smoke or drink at all either, used to drink heavily in my early 20s) so for me that would be a total deal breaker- mainly because I wouldn't want my teenage dd to be anywhere near someone that had that attitude to drug use.

pennyfromtheblock Sun 13-Nov-16 12:15:00

Totally appreciate all your posts.
I feel like I've come a long way since the last manipulative & EA relationship & like someone said, yeah this cd be good!
Now I have DC I'm obviously more cautious (hence fake profile 'pantomime' (thanks Dr) but he seems pretty genuine actually.
Still at the stage where I can take him or leave him wink

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 12:16:49

Drug use is totally personal preference OP. I've had a bad experience of liars and people who are bad drunks so it puts me off. If he has self control then it's your call

pennyfromtheblock Sun 13-Nov-16 12:58:14

Thanks myuser name & all.
Seeing him later. Going to focus on enjoying, not being a OTT detective .........

Boolovessulley Sun 13-Nov-16 14:44:16

If 1 and 2 applied to you then I think it's totally fine.
I've still got an online profile because I can't seem to delete the bugger

TheNaze73 Sun 13-Nov-16 16:26:13

No red flags to me. Depends on the level of usage though on 2. If they were a regular pot head & were regularly on the sniff, I doubt I'd go there

DrMorbius Sun 13-Nov-16 18:44:44

penny how does this read from his side?

Met a woman, she has mentioned that (s)he uses drugs recreationally sometimes at music festivals

She has hinted that (s)he used to drink loads & 'was a nightmare' when he was 20/25. now early 40s.

Then she set up a whole false account to spy on me and check me out.

What advice do you think he will get from "blokesNet"?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now